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Friend saw me for the first time in 3 months...



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Hi y’all, I’m back for some support because I can feel mine waning so quickly it’s actually outpacing my weight loss. So today I got to see a friend for a second for the first time since November. (I’ve lost 48 lbs since then). She told me I looked “sickly” and “50 lbs is plenty” and that I was going to regret “butchering my body” in 10 years when I end up back where I started. She said all what I’ve done is undermined the hard work that people like her have put in to do it “the non cheaters way out.” I was actually stunned to hear those words uttered to me. I’m not trying to toot my own horn, but I’m nice to a fault, like I get told by people all the time I have no mean bone in my body. I didn’t have the guts to stand up for myself in that moment. I would never dream of being unsupportive of ANYONE trying to better themselves. So seeing people I’ve confided in and spent so much time with in my adult life turn on me for something that was done for health reasons that would have eventually killed me, has absolutely demoralized me. I don’t need to be coddled, but a little bit of “yeah we’ve seen first hand, your health deteriorate in the last 2 years, this is definitely something that’s going to help you so we’re here” would just mean a lot. But alas, I guess my expectations are too high.

This is my 3rd friend in 3 weeks to completely rail on me and tell me how dumb I am or how big of a failure I’m going to be, and I don’t think this isn’t the kind of journey that I can do on my own. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know who to confide in, and I don’t know how to convince myself that people are gonna judge and I’m just going to have to be okay with it. But I’m struggling. Never thought doing something to save my life would rid me of all my 3 best friends. And these aren’t co-workers or acquaintances, these are hang out every weekend, talk daily, been doing it for 5 years, type of people. How do I get through this? Any advice is welcomed and appreciated.

Sorry for being so long winded. If you read this far, thank you. I just needed to vent.

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I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's reasonable to be disappointed and hurt by the reaction and words you describe. People are full of opinions, but no one knows your health or what it has been like to be in your shoes better than you.

I used a lot of my time with a pre-op therapist to untangle and work through the way others perceive WLS and may judge me for it. I have been surprised how helpful working with a therapist has been on the relationship side of WLS. One of the conclusions I have come to is that I don't owe anyone an explanation and I don't have to take on making them more comfortable with the idea of me having WLS. Another thing that came out of it is I have decided (at least for now) to have a very small circle of people that know I am having this surgery. Everything I have to work with to be on this path feels like a lot already and hearing the input and opinions of other people (especially when they are not educated in WLS) just feels like more than I want to take on at the moment.

Sending you good thoughts!

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Well done on the weigh loss so far. You weigh about 200lb (assuming as you mention 50lb but the profile on left shows something different), at your height 200lb if far from looking sickly.

Your friends aren't supportive at all, maybe time to take a break from them and look at developing supportive friendships with other people.

I don't know how you get through this, hopefully there will be plenty of suggestions, but one thing I would suggest is some counselling for you so as to help you deal with your feelings around this, and hopefully some suggestions on how to deal with non-supportive friends and family members.

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34 minutes ago, Nicossa said:

Everything I have to work with to be on this path feels like a lot already and hearing the input and opinions of other people (especially when they are not educated in WLS) just feels like more than I want to take on at the moment.

Thank you so much for your reply. I’ve been working with the counselor diligently. I was mentally stronger than I’ve been in my entire life going into sx, because going to the ER with BP so high it was in the “stroke” zone at 29 and being told I’m going to end up killing my self, really woke me up. I guess in all of the pre-op counseling, we worked through so much, including judgments from others. But I never in a MILLION years considered that these people that I considered more sisters than friends would do this. It’s just disheartening. Maybe it’s because they’re all the size I was when I started this and it’s projected jealousy.

I haven’t told anyone else about the surgery but them and my parents because we have always supported each other no matter what. So for 3/5 of my support system to peace out on day 10 post op was just overwhelming. I’ll definitely be talking to my therapist this week about how to do this without my circle, but in a way that’s healthy and conducive to my journey not just physically but mentally!!

thanks so much, I appreciate you!

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43 minutes ago, Hop_Scotch said:

Well done on the weigh loss so far. You weigh about 200lb (assuming as you mention 50lb but the profile on left shows something different), at your height 200lb if far from looking sickly.

Thank you very much!! I can’t figure out how to change my profile. At my post op they actually gave me my paperwork from the beginning of everything, and my starting weight at the clinic was 262 not 252. I am 210.4 as of this morning. I agree that 210 on me is nowhere near “sickly” but I guess them seeing me for all these years being “bigger” and then seeing me with noticeably fewer chins and my XXL clothes gaping on me, in their minds, since I was always their size, me not having that super full face and more pronounced stomach is their version of “sickly”; when a good bit of us going through WLS know that just because you lose 50 lbs doesn’t mean you’re anywhere near healthy or complete. I’m still 87 lbs from goal lol!

I have been working with a therapist and ironically, we had a conversation about how supportive everyone had been so far. Jinx!

Thanks for your response, I appreciate it. You’re 100% right, just because a friend was a friend doesn’t mean they have to continue being a friend when they stop supporting!

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What the actual f**k? That person is NOT your friend. She put you down and then turned it around to make it all about her and HER "honest" efforts... she's jealous and trying to cut you down to make herself feel superior. Anyone who has been on this journey AT ALL knows this is quite far from the "easy way" or the "cheater's way." You made a choice for your health, now the it's time to choose your mental health and cut her out. 210 for your health is far from sickly (and congrats on the 50lbs! That's a LOT of weight!) My sister was a huge nay-sayer, saying that I was going to have bigger mental health issues and ruin my life etc. She just didn't get it. A lot of ppl who aren't there themselves don't. I'm sorry to hear your "friend" was so awful to you. You don't deserve that at all.

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I am sorry that you had to go through that. Do you mind if I ask if your friends that have treated you this way are overweight? If so they are probably jealous that you are losing weight and they are having difficulty losing theirs. I always find it funny, too, when people talk about bariatric surgery as cheating. It's like, "I had a health issue and I had a medical procedure done so that I could correct that issue". Is someone with cancer being a cheater if they have surgery to remove a tumor?

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I can't use the words I'd like to to describe this "friend"! Like others have said, I suspect it's jealousy that YOU are being successful with your weight loss and they are struggling. I'm sure there will be some folks that disagree - YES, this surgery IS like starting a race well ahead of anyone else trying to "run the race" with you. However, it sure has hell doesn't meal prep or force you to eat the right foods and follow the plan. YOU make the choices of what goes into your body. YOU make the choice to follow the plan (especially with the sleeve since we generally can tolerate just about any foods). YOU are making the effort to be successful. That my friend is a win!

Hang in there! You've got support on this board and look at the positive - These folks may have been fun to hang out with, but now they've shown you who they really are and it's up to YOU to choose whether or not they remain on your friends list - If not.... well...we all know that the world is far friendlier to people who aren't overweight and you have a new opportunity to find them!

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4 hours ago, JMJames92 said:

Do you mind if I ask if your friends that have treated you this way are overweight? If so they are probably jealous that you are losing weight and they are having difficulty losing theirs

Thanks for your response. I think you hit the proverbial nail on the head. My group of friends have always been my size (pre-pre-op). The 4 of us shared and swapped clothes weekly. So I do think that maybe you’re right, and seeing me lose weight this fast and in this manner is something that is bringing out the true jealousy.

They were so supportive until they all saw me in person (quarantine and sx prep has made it hard to see people IRal) in the last 2.5 weeks. Then they dropped like flies. I guess they didn’t realize what it would entail.

My pre op therapist warned me about a lot of WLS pts losing relationships over these surgeries, but I was naive and said nah not me, I’ve got the most supportive people in the world. Whoops.

But as far as WLS “cheating,” it’s just bs. It’s like 100x harder than any fad diet you can think of. But if this surgery extends my life another 40 years, I’ll be a cheater.

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28 minutes ago, MandoGetsSleeved said:

YES, this surgery IS like starting a race well ahead of anyone else trying to "run the race" with you. However, it sure has hell doesn't meal prep or force you to eat the right foods and follow the plan. YOU make the choices of what goes into your body. YOU make the choice to follow the plan (especially with the sleeve since we generally can tolerate just about any foods). YOU are making the effort to be successful.

This. This right here is what people don’t get. It’s a tool. My ex had the surgery in 2016 (prior to us meeting), she lost a decent amount of weight, but made TERRIBLE choices regarding eating after, and in the time we were together she ate so poorly and stretched her stomach back out so much that she went from 4 bites on a first date 2017, to being able to eat 2 orders of sushi in one sitting this summer plus a beer. So I saw literally first hand how just because you have this surgery, doesn’t mean you’re not gonna end up 260 lbs again if you don’t use the tool you’ve been given properly (more like worked your ass off for).

Thanks for being so supportive. These “friends” are going on the trash heap. I have no time or energy for these behaviors when I’m working on a better me, I don’t need people tearing me down!! I just had a very small circle (4 people) and now, they’re ALL gone.

I appreciate you. thank you for your comment!!!

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Whoa. With friends like these, I'd hate to be in a dark alley with your enemies.

A lot of what I had to say about your "friends" is already wisely expressed above.

I'm glad you have access to a therapist, that is always a good thing.

In the meantime, you probably need a healthy dose of kindred spirits, and you will find an almost endless stream of them here.

You are doing awesome ❤️

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sounds like you need some new friends. I'd have no problem dumping people like that. They are being horrible!!

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My sister is the one giving me crap about my surgery. She has always been skinny, and I was always chubby.

When she saw me at Christmas time, I had lost about 60-65 lbs. She never said one word about my weight loss. Finally, my mom asked her how did she think I looked. Her response, though she barely looked at me, was "Oh maybe I will have to give her all my clothes that are too big for me now". She said in a very sarcastic way.

Then she said, "I guess its easy to lose weight when you can just have a simple surgery, and cheat your way out of it." Then she continued to talk crap about how most people can just go on a diet, not eat so much food, and lose weight if they really had to.

OMG, now I was getting mad! She knew I had to have the surgery due to being a severe diabetic. The weight loss was a bonus.

When it came time to eat dinner, all I could eat was a little bit of food, and then she made a wise ass comment about that. We have never been close, but this was a slap in the face. I haven't talked to her since, and don't really want to.

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13 hours ago, HealthyLifeStyle said:

My sister is the one giving me crap about my surgery. She has always been skinny, and I was always chubby

My sister has been the same way. She and I aren’t very close, but when she found out I was having the surgery for my hernia, and was going to have the VSG while they were in there, she made a comment about how “well now you’ve finally got an excuse to make yourself lose that weight.” She knew I had the surgery because I had a balloon in my chest and severe blood pressure issues. But she didn’t care. Im a cheater. But she weighs 135 🙄 That was in November. Haven’t talked to her since.

She texted and asked my parents how I was doing, and they told her I had lost 50 lbs and her response was “let’s see how long that lasts.” After that response I said ya know what, sc*ew em all. This is for US. Not for anyone else.

I know it’s corny but I believe that the best way to heal, succeed and improve your life is to surround yourself with positivity and joy. If the people in your life aren’t about that. They don’t deserve to be there!!

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