I’m just frustrated with dating. Two years after surgery I know I will always need to be vigilant to keep weight off. I can’t be with someone who struggles with food or isn’t active. I’ll get sucked right into their lifestyle.

It makes me feel shallow, even though I know it shouldn’t, and it limits the dating pool. I guess I didn’t have any expectations concerning relationships after weight loss, but I did/do have aspirations. I’m tired of being single, and when you exclude overweight women, single moms, women 8+ years older than you, people who don’t have their **** together, women who want kids, and people so into Jesus it’s in the first 15 words of their dating profile, it’s like trying to find a specific needle in a haystack-sized pile of needles. It’s frustrating and sometimes it hurts.

That’s my venting for the day. Off to find something enjoyable.

No help here but I have a feeling that I could have written the same rant. Thinking about being in the "dating pool" or having to fish there doesn't give me good vibrations at all.

How old are you, btw? Is that 86 in your name the year you've been born?

I could have written this same rant about anything that doesn't live up to my expectations,lol

I think being specific/selective is a part of self care especially if you know it will derail you to be around bad habits ... I'm just happy this post wasn't as shallow as I thought it was going to be.

53 minutes ago, ryan_86 said:

Off to find something enjoyable.

Perfect, because this is where you'll meet the person who fits into your lifestyle! You're right to be picky. Being with the wrong person is much worse than being alone. Good luck!

1 hour ago, ryan_86 said:

I can’t be with someone who struggles with food or isn’t active.

My only question is if you rule someone out based upon weight alone how do you know this isn’t something they are actively working on?

Are you saying you would never date someone that has had the same issue as you did? There are women that may be actively losing weight that aren’t going to share this with someone right out of the gate.

For me it’s like saying I would never date a short man or a man that was losing some hair. I’ve learned basing attraction solely off of looks does rule out some prospects for no reason, but some of this comes with age and experience.

Things like intelligence, a great sense of humor, integrity, manners, and the like are more things I look for now.

Not saying you should be with someone you aren’t attracted to, but sometimes just because you don’t feel overwhelming lust for someone at first sight doesn’t mean they aren’t worth a look.

19 minutes ago, KimTriesRNY said:

My only question is if you rule someone out based upon weight alone how do you know this isn’t something they are actively working on?

Are you saying you would never date someone that has had the same issue as you did? There are women that may be actively losing weight that aren’t going to share this with someone right out of the gate.

For me it’s like saying I would never date a short man or a man that was losing some hair. I’ve learned basing attraction solely off of looks does rule out some prospects for no reason, but some of this comes with age and experience.

Things like intelligence, a great sense of humor, integrity, manners, and the like are more things I look for now.

Not saying you should be with someone you aren’t attracted to, but sometimes just because you don’t feel overwhelming lust for someone at first sight doesn’t mean they aren’t worth a look.

Completely agree. I am single and I know i've been turned away for being overweight but then I also know I have criteria I look for in a man as well....baldness was a no but as I get older I think its about the person, but there does have to be something whether it be on the inside or outside of that person I am completely attracted to. I'm not even sure, once I'm done losing weight that I'll be attractive inside or out.... and not sure if I want to put myself out there, if it happens it happens.

I know what you mean. It isn’t easy but maybe you can be the positive influence on someone to get them to become more active and have a better healthy lifestyle? Just a thought....

I get your concerns about being with someone that will support your new lifestyle. As far as some of your other requirements, no one is perfect, we are all a work in progress - so keep that in mind.

It will be difficult to find a woman without children, or that doesn't want children - that alone will be your biggest hurdle.

I suggest joining activities that you really like, bowling, join the community theater and help build stage sets, join the county fair committees, ride horses, dance lessons, biking, hiking, stained glass class, community college travel groups,whatever floats your boat. Go where there are groups/clubs doing things and just have fun - usually this is the best way to meet new people. Even go one or two towns over from where you reside.

17 hours ago, KimTriesRNY said:

My only question is if you rule someone out based upon weight alone how do you know this isn’t something they are actively working on?

Are you saying you would never date someone that has had the same issue as you did? There are women that may be actively losing weight that aren’t going to share this with someone right out of the gate.

For me it’s like saying I would never date a short man or a man that was losing some hair. I’ve learned basing attraction solely off of looks does rule out some prospects for no reason, but some of this comes with age and experience.

Things like intelligence, a great sense of humor, integrity, manners, and the like are more things I look for now.

Not saying you should be with someone you aren’t attracted to, but sometimes just because you don’t feel overwhelming lust for someone at first sight doesn’t mean they aren’t worth a look.

Thank you for your response.

My aversion to dating overweight people is not aesthetic. I’m concerned if I’m around someone who eats poorly or is inactive, I’ll begin to eat poorly or be inactive. Obesity is socially contagious, and much of my success has been due to being single in the first place - I didn’t need to be around unhealthy food for anyone else’s sake. I’m actually impressed with those who did have to be around unhealthy food and yet still succeeded. I don’t think I could have.

My dear, it is a more than equal ,certanity you will not be,bothered**** as a still obese. single person it is VERY UNLIKELY I would. be attracted to a smirking self-righteous dude that feels obesity,is a communicable,disease,that might reinfest,him due to,faulty vaccination. And when I finish my weight loss I still WOULD NOT BE INTERESTED for frankly,, my,Dear, I CAN DO MUCH BETTER!

9 minutes ago, Frustr8 said:

My dear, it is a more than equal ,certanity you will not be,bothered**** as a still obese. single person it is VERY UNLIKELY I would. be attracted to a smirking self-righteous dude that feels obesity,is a communicable,disease,that might reinfest,him due to,faulty vaccination. And when I finish my weight loss I still WOULD NOT BE INTERESTED for frankly,, my,Dear, I CAN DO MUCH BETTER!

Unlike many people on here, you and I live with other full-grown adults who make their own food decisions. Maybe it doesn't bother you when your son brings something very unhealthy into the house, but I admit, it makes it very hard for me. When one of my boys made fried chicken the other night, I ate a small piece. I shouldn't have; it makes it harder for me to stay on plan. Having four other, non-obese people in the house means I have to face temptation every single day and it sucks.

Ryan, I get what you're saying about avoiding people who eat poorly or are inactive, but there are plenty of normal-weight women who will present the same unhealthy temptations as overweight women. You might actually do best finding a compatible person in the support group meetings for WLS. They are chock-full of people who are trying to eat healthy and exercise more.

On 09/03/2018 at 10:53, Orchids&Dragons said:

Unlike many people on here, you and I live with other full-grown adults who make their own food decisions. Maybe it doesn't bother you when your son brings something very unhealthy into the house, but I admit, it makes it very hard for me. When one of my boys made fried chicken the other night, I ate a small piece. I shouldn't have; it makes it harder for me to stay on plan. Having four other, non-obese people in the house means I have to face temptation every single day and it sucks.

Ryan, I get what you're saying about avoiding people who eat poorly or are inactive, but there are plenty of normal-weight women who will present the same unhealthy temptations as overweight women. You might actually do best finding a compatible person in the support group meetings for WLS. They are chock-full of people who are trying to eat healthy and exercise more.

Exactly this! My husband is not obese, but we have had to have some discussions about foods that cannot be brought into the house and changes in behavior that he needs to make to support me in this journey or at least not inadvertently sabotage me. I know I’m the one that had surgery, but such a drastic change for one half of the relationship does not happen in a vacuum. Willpower fails, because we are human. Being realistic about that fact is self preservation. I don’t want the surgery to have been for nothing. I’d also like to see him adopt a healthy lifestyle with me, cause I want him to be around forever and enjoy life with me.

I totally get where Ryan is coming from. I don’t think it is shallow or superficial, I think he is being self aware about his own willpower and the risks associated with constantly being around temptations.

I wouldn’t date a smoker... because I know that would increase the likelihood that I would smoke again.

Ryan- keep on keeping on! Best of luck!

2 hours ago, ryan_86 said:

My aversion to dating overweight people is not aesthetic

The point I was trying to make is if you look at someone and they are a bit overweight and you decide based off of that, that they are living an unhealthy lifestyle filled with junk food and a sedentary lifestyle then I’m sorry but you are making assumptions about people based solely off of looks that may be incorrect. It is the same as assuming that because a woman is thin she must eat healthy and exercise...sorry but it’s not true.

I am not encouraging anyone to seek out morbidly obese people to date if that’s not their thing but just trying to state that assuming things about ppl based off of snap judgements could be a mistake.

4 minutes ago, KimTriesRNY said:

The point I was trying to make is if you look at someone and they are a bit overweight and you decide based off of that, that they are living an unhealthy lifestyle filled with junk food and a sedentary lifestyle then I’m sorry but you are making assumptions about people based solely off of looks that may be incorrect. It is the same as assuming that because a woman is thin she must eat healthy and exercise...sorry but it’s not true.

I am not encouraging anyone to seek out morbidly obese people to date if that’s not their thing but just trying to state that assuming things about ppl based off of snap judgements could be a mistake.

That’s fair. I had in mind something a little more specific than what I described, and you’re entirely correct.

I agree with @Sosewsue61, that finding a woman without children and who doesn't want children is by far a bigger hurdle than finding someone not obese.

I also agree @KimTriesRNY that just because someone is a normal weight doesn't mean they have good eating habits or active lifestyle.

I do totally get what you are saying though. It gets harder to date the more criteria you have. I'm in that same boat, although my criteria are different.

11 minutes ago, sillykitty said:

I agree with @Sosewsue61, that finding a woman without children and who doesn't want children is by far a bigger hurdle than finding someone not obese.

He would have totally found this woman here. So we are out there.