Hi All,

I know this is a little (or a lot) out of the ordinary for this site, but you all have been a huge support on my WLS journey so far and, well, I need an outlet and some support. I'm not looking for advice or condemnation of my wife, just support and listening ears, and maybe a bridge if anyone on here has gone through something similar. It's a bit of a long story, so thanks for reading.

I met my wife in kindergarten - by the end of September, I'd already proposed. Curiously, she said no. I tried again in December, again, she said no. In all, I think I proposed to her 8 times before we had finished second grade, I asked her out throughout middle and high school, and then, during her senior year of college, after having been best friends for most of our lives, she finally said yes. My dreams came true.

Our marriage has been wonderful, she always has been and always will be my best friend. But sex was never particularly satisfying - I loved it, but knew she wasn't getting much out of it and wasn't attracted to me sexually. It was hard, but our relationship was well worth it. She wasn't gay, we thought, she may not have been attracted to me, but she wasn't attracted physically to anyone. Maybe she was asexual.

Two months ago, we decided together she should pursue counselling to help her work through her own sexuality, to help her know if she was asexual, or repressing her sexuality as the result of some childhood trauma that I won't get into, or something else altogether. We put all sex and physical intimacy on hold to give her the space to go through her process. It was hard, sex is very important to me, but worth it. I never really imagined that what happened last night would come.

Last night she said she wanted to give me an update on her process. "Smye," she said. "I wanted to let you know that in the last few weeks I've felt some stirrings of sexual attraction for the first time and it's scared me really badly. But it's absolutely been happening."

HELL YES, I thought. FINALLY!

Then came the bomb. "And I want you to know, Smye, it's only been towards women. I'm not going to put a label on it yet, I'd give anything to have attraction to you, and maybe I still will. But so far I'm only attracted to women."

S***, S***, S***. I love her, she's still my best friend. And I'm thankful as hell that there's no affair going on to deal with.

I wouldn't trade the 7 years we've had as man and wife so far for anything. And I know she still loves me as much as ever. But it hurts like hell, I don't have a clue what's next, but the research I've (perhaps foolishly done) suggests that only 1/6 of mixed-orientation marriages survive more than 2 years after disclosure. I don't want to lose my wife, I don't want to lose my best friend. But, even if magically she wakes up tomorrow and is attracted to me as the one man she finds attractive, the marriage I thought I had is dead. No matter what happens, I know I need to grieve that.

And I've reached out to the straight spouse network. But while I'm waiting to hear back, having no clue what's next or how I'll even survive the next 10 minutes, I know I need to tell someone and come out of my own closet, so to speak. Has anyone else here been through something similar? Or do you have words of support? I do NOT want "it's god's will" or "it'll be okay" or "it all happens for a reason" etc, nor condemnation of my wife, my marriage, etc. I trust her implicitly, know that this blindsided her as much as it did me, and know too that our marriage was/is based on an incredible friendship that still exists. So don't go hating.

Neither do I want advice. I don't have a clue what it is I'm asking for exactly, but I hurt like hell, I'm terrified, and I know I ought to reach out to keep myself sane. Thanks!

EDIT - PLEASE READ BEFORE REPLYING:

To everyone, thank you again for your support! This is still very much a work in progress and I will be keeping everyone here up to date - for my own therapy if nothing else. A quick note though before lending me your love and support (unless you just want to say 'I hear you, I love you, here are some digital hugs, and take care/let us know if you need anything' - then go for it.)

I HIGHLY recommend you read the entire thread before posting yourself, I know how therapeutic this has been for me. I've received several PM's from folks about how your responses have helped them and/or given them grace for a loved one they didn't previously understand and even one from a person who is considering whether or not to come out to his/her partner him/her-self. And there's also the selfish reason I'd like you to read it all first - the few responses I've gotten that have felt more hateful towards Mrs. Smye and, despite the authors' intentions, hateful towards me and my choices as a result could, I think, have been prevented had the author had the entire up-to-date picture.

Edited August 26, 201510 yr by Smye

I don't see how there could be a single-size-fits-all interpretation of any of these break-ups.

People are much more than "gay" or "straight." They're honest, liars, empathic, assholes, smart, stupid, aware, delusional, or have countless other attributes.

Interpreting Smye's and his wife's situation and future prospects in terms of the experiences of other male/female couples who disbanded because one partner was gay and came out is likely going to miss the mark.

Divorces are all pretty unique to the people involved. (Mine sure was.) Smye's and his wife's divorce will be the way they create it.

I have no words of wisdom or suggestions for you, but I do feel empathy for you. Know you have some friends here you can turn to during this difficult time. Hugs to you.

@@VSGAnn2014, Thank you, thank you, thank you! I want to say more, but nothing can say it better. Thank you. Please keep speaking truth to power (and to bariatric pals).

@@Dar200, thank you. I do.

@@Folly, Thank you again for sharing your experience - although mine will undoubtedly be unique, I am thankful to learn what has happened to/for others. When I reached out to TSSN, their response was... less than supportive. They were well-intentioned, but the assumption of duplicity on Mrs. Smye's part at the least was a given for those I spoke with. Serious bummer.

I can't even imagine what you are experiencing. I have nothing to say but I hope for the best possible outcome for the both of you.

@@AnA92212, thank you for your support, sitting with me in my grief is precisely what I need. That and I may invite advice on the process when I start dating - though less about my current relationship and more about simply "what the hell is dating?" But yeah, it hurts like hell. And it's exhilarating. And scary. And, well, everything.

Just a quick update - Mrs. Smye is still working through her process and debating whether/how to tell her parents. I, on the other hand, am continuing to realize more and more how much of the grieving of our marriage I've already done. 6 years ago when she first told me she didn't think she was actually attracted to me, I started grieving the 'mutual attraction' aspect. 5 years ago when she told me (with the utmost kindness and honesty, not out of spite or anything) 'I really don't enjoy sex and, you know, if we never had it again, I'd be thrilled,' I started grieving the 'sexual intimacy' portion. When she told me 'it really bothers me/makes me uncomfortable when you a)suprise me with something special; B.) tell me I'm beautiful; c) arrange a special evening even with my foreknowledge; d) do anything else typically identified as 'romantic,' I began grieving the 'romantic' aspect of our relationship. 2 years ago when a surgeon who was working on something else entirely essentially destroyed her vagina (the bas****, he's still the only person I've ever had violent dreams about - even without sex it hurts her to walk more than 5 minutes at a time...), I began to grieve the 'sex at all' portion of our relationship.

Everything else, our deep love and respect for one another as parents, as best friends, as co-learners and cohabitators, those I don't have to grieve. Except for the last, but that's a ways off and I can start that grief process now. I don't mean to claim that I'm 'over it.' Holy hell it still hurts. I'm nowhere near over it. I don't know if I ever will be. But I feel, in many ways, a sense of peace that my feelings of never being 'enough' for her were not only justified, but had nothing to do with me. AND I'm shocked at how excited I feel for both of us to move forward while doing our damnedest to keep our friendship solid whatever comes in terms of the pain/frustration that's inevitable moving forward.

All that said, though a piece of me is screaming "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" I've recognized that this has all been going down for as long as we've been wed. Not that she knew she was ***** (her currently chosen term), nor that we would inevitably divorce some day, but that our marriage wasn't all of what either of us wanted it to be, despite being nauseatingly idyllic in so many other areas. And I never, ever, have to sacrifice those idyllic pieces if I don't choose to, even if and when we divorce.

And so the next step - dating. I'm not interested in dating around, sleeping around, or trying to 'get the most bang (sorry) for my buck out of my new body.' But if I'm decided to find a new partner (and I am), I'm eager to get going. I'm thinking I'll start with an OKCupid account here in the next couple of weeks after my next meeting with my counselor. How weird to be simultaneously nauseated and utterly thrilled.

Does that make sense?

Edited September 13, 201510 yr by Smye

Whatever makes sense for you is what is right. Just remember, normally true healing does not start until a divorce is final. The average person has to heal at least two years prior to remarriage, or the risk for another divorce is in the 80% zone... one of my cousins got divorced after years of stress, waited 6 months, fell in love, married and at three years post divorce realized he had married on the rebound. It is natural to want to reconnect into a serious relationship. A therapist I know says one is ready for another serious relationship when one goes 24 hours without any painful memories of the other person.... that makes sense to me. Sorry for being preachy... just be careful, every instinct in you will be to get another relationship, get hitched, and that is not fair to yourself or the other person.

@@VDB, Not preachy at, all - thank you. And I agree - I'm not headed into anything just yet, more allowing myself to explore the possibility at this point and all under the careful guidance of a Straight Partner-experienced therapist.

I don't typically make decisions until I've overthought them for at least a year - so although I'm excited to form a newbond of some sort, I'm 100% upfront about each step of the way and don't see marriage until quite a ways out.

Edited September 13, 201510 yr by Smye

The whole thing takes time. When I first found that my ex had feelings toward men, it was an ongoing process to work things out. Not an overnight thing. Yes, it was a grieving process, little by little you feel better later. Take your time finding your way and eventually things will fall into place. There was no facebook or Bariatric pal to find support back then so you are lucky to be able to reach out to find people who have been through this. Remember, this is not your fault!! Keep your head up high ????

Was in a wonderful first marriage but he died. Was in a lousy second marriage and got divorced in 2003. Didn't date again till spring of last year and did so only under the auspices of my therapist who has been helping me avoid some pitfalls along the way. Got really really lucky and found a great guy about four months ago. So far, so good.

Yes...take the time you need to get Mrs. Smye in the place she belongs in your head and work closely with your therapist. Good luck!

You are an incredibly understanding and perceptive man. It sounds like you have been grieving over parts of your marriage/relationship for awhile. You've learned to adapt to the changes, but it isn't the same as accepting them.

I admire the open and honest communication the two of you seem to have had throughout all of your relationship.

She has been your one and only since you were 5....... how many people can even fathom this? I know I can't, although I wish I could

I personally know that living in a marriage without any type of intimacy is very hard to do. My husband quit touching me in any way 3 years ago. I tried to reach out to him but was only frustrated in return. Last year, I moved out and found my own place. Since then we have actually become closer, but as friends. Neither one of us has any intention of dating or looking for anyone else and this is working for us.

I guess what I'm saying is, there is no one size fits all for the human race. You have something special with her and you will find a way to make it work together.

Believe in yourself and do what you need to to keep yourself happy.

Hugs to you

@@bellabill, thank you so much for sharing your experience. You're right, I'm incredibly fortunate to find people like you to help me through this. You're a huge support!

@@gowalking, I'm so sorry for your losses. Thank you for sharing, I'm honored you would share your process after the loss of your first husband with me, I am wrestling with a deep desire to fully love and be loved and the need to make sure I'm making healthy choices - your reply is hugely supportive.

@@fairee, Thank you for your compliments - they carry a lot of weight for me right now. I'm sorry for your loss also, congratulations to you for doing what was right for yourself. It's incredibly hard. And yeah, having been one and only since 5 is amazing, it's part of what's so scary about looking elsewhere - there's nobody else from my kindergarten classroom that's remotely interesting.

Curiously, my therapist and I created my OKCupid account recently. In response Mrs. Smye made one of her own. It's weirdly terrifying and exciting! I've got a date lined up for the first weekend in October. On the flip side, once I had that set up, Mrs. Smye asked for more emotional distance between us - we're still best friends and coparents, but she'll no longer be processing externally with me through the deep stuff. Something else to mourn, but I think that stopping my own process to 'keep' her wouldn't be healthy for either of us.

Thanks all for reading.

Hello Smye,

I am so sorry you are having to go through this, and I speak from experience. I was married to a man who realized he was gay 14 years into our relationship/marriage and I have survived. We went through therapy together and separately, and then divorced. For me one of the hardest things to do was to come out as someone who was married to a gay man. After we divorced we did not see each other or communicate for 6 months just to get our bearings individually. He and I have remained great friends, and we speak oftern. I still visit his parents once a year.

I know if it complicated, but with time you will be fine.

Namaste.

@@Mandala27, Thank you, thank you, thank you. It sucks, it hurts like hell, but stories like yours help me make some semblance of sense of it all.

Update: So I made the OKCupid profile, I even messaged someone on the advice of my therapist, essentially detailing the whole story and linking her here - just to test the waters. She wrote back, was entirely supportive and over the last week have struck up a conversation. I like her, she seems to like me. This afternoon she asked to set up a date next Saturday evening. Hooray!

Or not. At that moment, it clicked - what the hell am I doing? I'm not ready yet. I've got a hell of a lot of work to do on myself before I go trying to form a committed partnership with someone else - not to mention the fact that I'm not remotely comfortable with casual dating.

I feel awful, but I'm going to be emailing her after I post this to call it off and ask "may I contact you again in a few months? I'm so so sorry." And to top it off, there's that little voice screaming "you idiot! What are you doing? You've had huge gaps in your needs from the day you got married, they've only grown over the years, and now you don't even get a goodnight peck from your wife. Why are you throwing away the closest chance you've got to getting to kiss, cuddle, love and be loved?" But I think if that's the reason I'm pursuing a relationship, because I'm terrified of continuing not to have those things, that's the wrong reason to enter a relationship. And so on it goes.

And oh yeah, Mrs. Smye already pulled back emotionally when I created the OKCupid account - still my best friend, but I'm no longer her primary emotional support. Dammit. But I believe waiting (for now, we'll see how I feel in the morning) is the best choice [totally joking about the 'in the morning' part].

Edited September 27, 201510 yr by Smye

I'm actually very surprised your therapist has you creating this OK Cupid account. This isn't a dig, but it's obvious you are in a very vulnerable place right now and adding the feelings/emotions of another person seems very dangerous.

I worry that this woman wants to fix you...support you, nurse you, etc. I'm so sorry Smye but I really think you are right...you are so not ready for a relationship. Tell this woman now that you jumped the gun. She will either tell you it's OK, or tell you to F**k off.

My biggest challenge in the dating world was to understand that I had no control over someone else. That was hard because I always felt it was my fault. Not pretty enough..not funny enough, not good enough in bed. God..the list can go on and on.

You want to be the best Smye you can when you start to look for a new partner. Enough with the dating... Work on your issues first and be the healthiest emotionally you can.

I don't mean to sound superior but I'm living proof of this strategy. I was so desperate to remarry after my husband died that I did marry four years after his death to a man who was as desperate as me. He thought a wife would make his life wonderful. He got everything he wanted. A wife, a nice house, more money than he was used to...and he was still a miserable son of a bitch. He hated his own life so nothing I did or tried made any difference. I knew from that experience not to date again. And I didn't. Not for 20 years. And just to make sure nothing would ever ever happen with the opposite sex, I made myself so unattractive that no man would want me.

When I had WLS, it was for medical reasons. Only after I lost all the weight, did I realize I was getting interest from the opposite sex. For a year after going online, I made mistake after mistake and only with the therapist's help, was I able to be smart about who I was attracting..and who I was attracted to. I'm currently with an emotionally healthy man and we are having a great time together.

Sorry for this long post, but really...you are heading in a very bad direction in my opinion..and I also feel bad for this woman you are likely going to disappoint.