Hi All,

I know this is a little (or a lot) out of the ordinary for this site, but you all have been a huge support on my WLS journey so far and, well, I need an outlet and some support. I'm not looking for advice or condemnation of my wife, just support and listening ears, and maybe a bridge if anyone on here has gone through something similar. It's a bit of a long story, so thanks for reading.

I met my wife in kindergarten - by the end of September, I'd already proposed. Curiously, she said no. I tried again in December, again, she said no. In all, I think I proposed to her 8 times before we had finished second grade, I asked her out throughout middle and high school, and then, during her senior year of college, after having been best friends for most of our lives, she finally said yes. My dreams came true.

Our marriage has been wonderful, she always has been and always will be my best friend. But sex was never particularly satisfying - I loved it, but knew she wasn't getting much out of it and wasn't attracted to me sexually. It was hard, but our relationship was well worth it. She wasn't gay, we thought, she may not have been attracted to me, but she wasn't attracted physically to anyone. Maybe she was asexual.

Two months ago, we decided together she should pursue counselling to help her work through her own sexuality, to help her know if she was asexual, or repressing her sexuality as the result of some childhood trauma that I won't get into, or something else altogether. We put all sex and physical intimacy on hold to give her the space to go through her process. It was hard, sex is very important to me, but worth it. I never really imagined that what happened last night would come.

Last night she said she wanted to give me an update on her process. "Smye," she said. "I wanted to let you know that in the last few weeks I've felt some stirrings of sexual attraction for the first time and it's scared me really badly. But it's absolutely been happening."

HELL YES, I thought. FINALLY!

Then came the bomb. "And I want you to know, Smye, it's only been towards women. I'm not going to put a label on it yet, I'd give anything to have attraction to you, and maybe I still will. But so far I'm only attracted to women."

S***, S***, S***. I love her, she's still my best friend. And I'm thankful as hell that there's no affair going on to deal with.

I wouldn't trade the 7 years we've had as man and wife so far for anything. And I know she still loves me as much as ever. But it hurts like hell, I don't have a clue what's next, but the research I've (perhaps foolishly done) suggests that only 1/6 of mixed-orientation marriages survive more than 2 years after disclosure. I don't want to lose my wife, I don't want to lose my best friend. But, even if magically she wakes up tomorrow and is attracted to me as the one man she finds attractive, the marriage I thought I had is dead. No matter what happens, I know I need to grieve that.

And I've reached out to the straight spouse network. But while I'm waiting to hear back, having no clue what's next or how I'll even survive the next 10 minutes, I know I need to tell someone and come out of my own closet, so to speak. Has anyone else here been through something similar? Or do you have words of support? I do NOT want "it's god's will" or "it'll be okay" or "it all happens for a reason" etc, nor condemnation of my wife, my marriage, etc. I trust her implicitly, know that this blindsided her as much as it did me, and know too that our marriage was/is based on an incredible friendship that still exists. So don't go hating.

Neither do I want advice. I don't have a clue what it is I'm asking for exactly, but I hurt like hell, I'm terrified, and I know I ought to reach out to keep myself sane. Thanks!

EDIT - PLEASE READ BEFORE REPLYING:

To everyone, thank you again for your support! This is still very much a work in progress and I will be keeping everyone here up to date - for my own therapy if nothing else. A quick note though before lending me your love and support (unless you just want to say 'I hear you, I love you, here are some digital hugs, and take care/let us know if you need anything' - then go for it.)

I HIGHLY recommend you read the entire thread before posting yourself, I know how therapeutic this has been for me. I've received several PM's from folks about how your responses have helped them and/or given them grace for a loved one they didn't previously understand and even one from a person who is considering whether or not to come out to his/her partner him/her-self. And there's also the selfish reason I'd like you to read it all first - the few responses I've gotten that have felt more hateful towards Mrs. Smye and, despite the authors' intentions, hateful towards me and my choices as a result could, I think, have been prevented had the author had the entire up-to-date picture.

Edited August 26, 201510 yr by Smye

Oh Smye, thank you for posting this. I will admit it made me cry, but in a positive powerful way. I have observed your and Mrs. Smye's process from afar, and I've been so impressed with the integrity, honesty and respect that you have for each other and this process. I truly hope that she gets the inclusive love in return that she is putting out to her dad and others as she comes out. Thank you again for sharing, I hope that it's therapeutic for you it definitely has been for me.

@@butterfly23, thank you. And I'm right there with you, every time I post to this thread, even a sentence or two, even to say thanks, I find myself crying. This is by far the most painful experience I've ever been through, but simultaneously one of the most beautiful. I'm glad to hear my posts have been of benefit to more than myself - and yes, it's absolutely been therapeutic - taken literally even, as I've continued posting as part of my work with my therapist

Oh, and she's getting all kinds of support - it's beautiful really. We've lost 1 friend so far, and it was my friend, not really hers. Beyond that, her dad's response was the 'worst,' which is to say, the best we could have expected or even hoped for from him.

Syme, big cyber hugs to both you and your wife. I was not strong enough to come out on my own. My Father found out I was gay and outed me to family and friends and disowned me with a 5 page letter he mailed to me certified saying he wished I would die like every other faggot and dyke in the world. My point is I had no one I could turn to to come out on my own and deal with my feelings, no one I loved enough or felt close enough too. I think that for her to tell you this that she loves you to the moon and back and that she has tremendous respect and trust in you. I know it does not ease the pain, but only time can do that. My x girlfriend and her wife, and I with my boyfriend of 7 years are good friends. It sounds messed up to some, but my x and I still love each other, just not in the sexual way. Just still love your wife and be willing to listen to every word she wants to tell you. It could help you as much as it might help her. But I give her huge credit of being honest with you and not having affairs behind your back and waiting until the day she would leave to tell you why. It has to be the hardest thing you have ever had to listen to from the person you least wanted to hear it from. But for her, it has to be the hardest thing she has ever said to anyone and I am sure with the love she has for you that you were the last one she wanted to tell or to hurt. In the end she deserves huge credit for her honesty. But you also need to take care of yourself. I wish you both nothing but the best. Please take things one day at a time.

Big hugs to you and her.

@@RussD and @@Chrystee, thank you - the hugs are very much needed and even more appreciated.

@@RussD, I'm so sorry for the trauma your father's reaction must have caused. Thank you for your support and yes - she is indeed an amazing woman.

Also, there's finally a straight-spouse network meeting happening A) close to home and with folks who don't want to vilify Mrs. Smye for being gay. Sunday, here I come!

Well that was interesting.

Last night I attended my first straight-spouses network meeting. Some good, many blah, one very bad. All in all worth it, I think. It's monthly, so I'll certainly be attending again in December and we'll just see how it goes.

For those wondering: Straight Spouse Network is a support group for people whose spouse, or other committed partner - in an assumed heterosexual relationship - have come out as LGBTIQ. I'm actively working on expanding my network of friends and peers and figured hey, why not attend an event of folks who've been through a similar trauma experience - turns out we didn't have as much in common as I'd hoped, but there were one or two gentlemen with whom I connected. It was good to connect with folks, but there was this one guy who was absolutely full of S and kept demanding everyone acknowledge what an incredible husband he was while citing bogus stats while spouting about the 'ridiculous charges' he's facing (8 counts of assault, all from different women - suspicious to say the least) - he about drove me crazy.

I'll also admit (on an entirely separate notes) that it's tough to always be the youngest person in the room by a good 15-20 years - whether I'm at work, the straight spouse network or elsewhere. The comments of " wow, you're so lucky to be doing this now" or "you must be ________ to be here now, my son is five years older and he only just now managed to ______" are entirely aggravating and don't serve to move the conversation in the least. The odd genuine question is fine - but belaboring the fact as though I'm some sort of marvel or else overly ambitious and whatnot is frustrating - thanks for reading my venting... Done now.

And thank you again all for allowing me the space to air my process here and get support.

Oh, one more thing. Last night Mrs. Smye did confirm that, although she's in 'absolutely no rush... may be 3 years even,' she does, indeed, want a divorce at some point so as to pursue other relationships. She is not open to an 'expanded family' model. Poop on a stick!

Life is too short, Mr. Smye. She has told you straight that she will want a divorce, that she's not interested in anything alternative. Why waste your time? There is no future with this woman. Great stay friends but move on. I wish you lots of luck!

Y'know, the classics are classics for good reasons.

Divorce works.

So much good counsel and support you've been given here!

I haven't much to add, except to say that my husband's former wife took 20+ years and a long affair to unravel her own sexuality. You are blessed indeed that your wife talked with your about it first, before acting on it. I can tell you from the experience of our family that the alternative has even more hurt within it. My husband was far more hurt over the betrayal of the affair (and its length) than his former wife's orientation. She lost many friends over the lies, not her orientation.

What I can offer more than ten years down the road is that not only does healing happen - but change does, too. As you heal, the things you hold as absolute today may also change. I completely believe that you and your wife can re-formulate your friendship and partnership into one that makes room for you to both be fully loved as you each deserve, and to be faithful parents to your son. What you can hope for is that you will heal, and grow, and make room in your heart and your life for someone who will be a full partner to you. One blessing of your relative youth is that you won't be parenting teens through this process, because let me tell you, that's no day at the beach .

Peace and healing be with you all.

Edited November 9, 201510 yr by 2goldengirl

@@betrthnever, although I'd agree with you for many couples in my situation, you are grossly mistaken. I appreciate your willingness to do the unpopular, go against my wishes and 'tell it like it is' - no sarcasm, I really admire your commitment to authenticity. However, I hope you'll agree (and if you don't, oh well) that you don't quite understand the dynamics of my marriage. Short version - we'll both be finding new exclusive partners when we're each ready as individuals, divorcing at that time, but maintaining our incredible friendship through it all and maintaining our wonderful partnership in the meantime. I'll even likely help write her OK-Cupid (or whatever service she uses) profile and walk her down the aisle - and vice versa. As a society, all we can do is accept that the experience of folks who discover their sexuality "late" in life and the choices they and their partners make (keep in mind, we're significantly younger than you probably think we are - we both graduated high school and college very early and were married at an age most could call unconscionable) might not reflect our own but is still real for them, and support and love those around us in spite of not understanding or even thinking they are completely out of their minds. But seriously, your apparent internal outrage on my behalf is weirdly comforting . I will say though that your advice did have the effect of making me feel silenced by you rather than helping me 'find my voice.' For what it's worth.

@@VSGAnn2014, See above. Also, that's why it's the plan, just not today Thank you again for your support throughout.

@@2goldengirl, Thank you. It's valuable to hear the enormous variety of stories out there.

Hi All,

I know this is a little (or a lot) out of the ordinary for this site, but you all have been a huge support on my WLS journey so far and, well, I need an outlet and some support.

I want to start by saying I have not gone through what you are. I, as a fellow human being, feel sad and proud. I love that you are supporting her in this. I am proud that you love her that much. I am sad for you that you are enduring this pain for her. I understand that kind of love. I suggest that you get into your own therapy if you aren't already. This is not something you can go through alone. It may be that you lose your wife, but not your best friend. Feel free to message me anytime I am a good ear and do not feel the need to tell you what to do. I send you a huge hug and will pray for peace for you.

Nrssmile]

You are right! All of our paths are different. As well as the dynamics of your relationship. I think I was deflecting from my own personal relationship with my ex. now that I'm in a wonderful relationship I look back and ask myself why did I stay in my relationship as long as I did. It wasn't fair to him or me.

Life is too short, Mr. Smye. She has told you straight that she will want a divorce, that she's not interested in anything alternative. Why waste your time? There is no future with this woman. Great stay friends but move on. I wish you lots of luck!

Obviously, we don't know her, but I feel like she is using you..

@@Chrystee, you are mistaken, but that's fine

@brtrthnevetr, I'm so sorry for your loss. And no worries, I wasn't kidding with my thanks.