Hi All,

I know this is a little (or a lot) out of the ordinary for this site, but you all have been a huge support on my WLS journey so far and, well, I need an outlet and some support. I'm not looking for advice or condemnation of my wife, just support and listening ears, and maybe a bridge if anyone on here has gone through something similar. It's a bit of a long story, so thanks for reading.

I met my wife in kindergarten - by the end of September, I'd already proposed. Curiously, she said no. I tried again in December, again, she said no. In all, I think I proposed to her 8 times before we had finished second grade, I asked her out throughout middle and high school, and then, during her senior year of college, after having been best friends for most of our lives, she finally said yes. My dreams came true.

Our marriage has been wonderful, she always has been and always will be my best friend. But sex was never particularly satisfying - I loved it, but knew she wasn't getting much out of it and wasn't attracted to me sexually. It was hard, but our relationship was well worth it. She wasn't gay, we thought, she may not have been attracted to me, but she wasn't attracted physically to anyone. Maybe she was asexual.

Two months ago, we decided together she should pursue counselling to help her work through her own sexuality, to help her know if she was asexual, or repressing her sexuality as the result of some childhood trauma that I won't get into, or something else altogether. We put all sex and physical intimacy on hold to give her the space to go through her process. It was hard, sex is very important to me, but worth it. I never really imagined that what happened last night would come.

Last night she said she wanted to give me an update on her process. "Smye," she said. "I wanted to let you know that in the last few weeks I've felt some stirrings of sexual attraction for the first time and it's scared me really badly. But it's absolutely been happening."

HELL YES, I thought. FINALLY!

Then came the bomb. "And I want you to know, Smye, it's only been towards women. I'm not going to put a label on it yet, I'd give anything to have attraction to you, and maybe I still will. But so far I'm only attracted to women."

S***, S***, S***. I love her, she's still my best friend. And I'm thankful as hell that there's no affair going on to deal with.

I wouldn't trade the 7 years we've had as man and wife so far for anything. And I know she still loves me as much as ever. But it hurts like hell, I don't have a clue what's next, but the research I've (perhaps foolishly done) suggests that only 1/6 of mixed-orientation marriages survive more than 2 years after disclosure. I don't want to lose my wife, I don't want to lose my best friend. But, even if magically she wakes up tomorrow and is attracted to me as the one man she finds attractive, the marriage I thought I had is dead. No matter what happens, I know I need to grieve that.

And I've reached out to the straight spouse network. But while I'm waiting to hear back, having no clue what's next or how I'll even survive the next 10 minutes, I know I need to tell someone and come out of my own closet, so to speak. Has anyone else here been through something similar? Or do you have words of support? I do NOT want "it's god's will" or "it'll be okay" or "it all happens for a reason" etc, nor condemnation of my wife, my marriage, etc. I trust her implicitly, know that this blindsided her as much as it did me, and know too that our marriage was/is based on an incredible friendship that still exists. So don't go hating.

Neither do I want advice. I don't have a clue what it is I'm asking for exactly, but I hurt like hell, I'm terrified, and I know I ought to reach out to keep myself sane. Thanks!

EDIT - PLEASE READ BEFORE REPLYING:

To everyone, thank you again for your support! This is still very much a work in progress and I will be keeping everyone here up to date - for my own therapy if nothing else. A quick note though before lending me your love and support (unless you just want to say 'I hear you, I love you, here are some digital hugs, and take care/let us know if you need anything' - then go for it.)

I HIGHLY recommend you read the entire thread before posting yourself, I know how therapeutic this has been for me. I've received several PM's from folks about how your responses have helped them and/or given them grace for a loved one they didn't previously understand and even one from a person who is considering whether or not to come out to his/her partner him/her-self. And there's also the selfish reason I'd like you to read it all first - the few responses I've gotten that have felt more hateful towards Mrs. Smye and, despite the authors' intentions, hateful towards me and my choices as a result could, I think, have been prevented had the author had the entire up-to-date picture.

Edited August 26, 201510 yr by Smye

Man, i cant say something like i know what youre going through or anything remotely like that because I sure cant. Offering you my support and saying, im listening man. If you need to rant, bark at the moon or howl. just let me know. I , like so many here wish you no more pain, in an obviously painful time.

You are obviously a strong and caring guy for getting to this point.

I wish you the best.

My process is about ME, hers is about HER, and ours is about US! What could be more lovely? And more painful? It's odd, but I feel I'm big enough to hold both inside me.

Thank you for sharing part of your process and feelings during this huge transition for you and your wife. I am really struck by what you wrote above and only hope I can have the same wisdom and courage you exhibit when faced with such pain.

I imagine your roads will continue to be windy and up and down, yet I hope you both continue to have these moments of clarity and connectedness along the way. The intimacy you both seem to share because of your openness and honesty will hopefully take you far. Thank you again for sharing, I hope it has been healing for you. I am inspired by you (and especially appreciate your candid yet tactful feedback to others on their response posts) and wish the best for you and your wife as you explore this new level of your relationship.

Hi, I have been through this finding out my ex - husband was gay. It's a long story how this unfolded. I found out 3 months after we got married but continued our life and had 2 kids. I did love him and I was very young at the time. As the years went by, I slowly started not to like him on so many levels. I fell out of love and found someone else who I was really attracted to and we have been happily married. It does not change. Let go of this person and just be a good friend to her. Well, I am not friends with my ex so maybe that is not good advice. There were many other things that I did not like about him. Lots of dysfunction in his family so your situation maybe different. When I found out the first time, I felt like I lost something, the trust mostly. It was the hardest time in my life. I could not tell anyone cause I just had gotten married. He reeled me in to cover his tracks to make everything "wonderful" for him. There is so much more to say but I hope you find your way to accept the truth. This is the worst thing anyone has to go through. In time, it will get easier for you. Life does go on.

@@butterfly23, thank you. Your support and feedback mean the world to me. Especially your feedback on my feedback and the genuine-ness (not sure of the right word) in your thoughts, they mean the world to me through this.

@@bellabill, thank you for your candid thoughts coupled with a willingness to recognize the differences in our experiences. I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine the pain of our experience will ever go away. I am so thankful, having read your story and others like it on the Straight Spouse Network to have the deep history and background with Mrs. Smye that I have - there were never lies, no hidden secrets, just a long delayed process that she was willing to share openly with me. As devastating as it still was/is, I cannot imagine having to play act after disclosure, not to mention having aspects of my partner I didn't like. I still love her and like her as my best friend, and genuinely believe I always will. I feel so lucky as to be struggling at the moment with something akin to 'survivor's guilt' in all of this. I'm not sure if you've read everything I've posted so far, but I recommend you do, it helps build a better picture and writing it all in real time has been therapeutic as hell for me

@@Stevehud, thank you man. I've gotta say, when I got the message that "stevehud has replied to your post" I felt shocked that I hadn't already thought to just message you directly. Thank you for your constancy and support, whether it was preop, post op, or this whole business - you are a good friend and I value your insights and kindness to no end.

@@toasty, Thank you! I will and I do. I appreciate all of the outpouring of 'you're not alone.' Especially when I realize I'm currently on cloud 9 and my next moment of grief and shame and utter despair is right around the corner. Thank you.

Oh, and you're right on, my friendship is gold, it's completely priceless, but I do indeed need to be careful not to put it above or before my own wellbeing. Thank you.

Edited August 26, 201510 yr by Smye

Hugs to you, @@Smye, for being so understanding and loving your wife through all this. You alluded to some childhood trauma - perhaps it did some damage in her ability to be fully intimate with a man, and that through her counseling now, she's allowing herself to start to feel sexual feelings, but it's safer to be attracted to women right now. I don't think that means that she definitely has that orientation forever. I agree you also should be getting counseling to help you emotionally through this, but if you are both open and honest with each other, there may still be a future for your marriage, and if not, you'll know you both tried very hard, and it sounds like you could remain good friends if you part.

We all feel for you,@@Smye, and wish you nothing the best in working through this painful ordeal. Hopefully through therapy and the support of groups like the BariatricPal family, in time you'll regain your footing. In the meantime, please, please don't let this derail your amazing weight loss progress. You're down 150 stinkin' pounds, man! Stay proud and stay strong. These are the types of crises that often cause people throw away their progress for the short-term comfort of food. You need to funnel your pain into the strength to persevere over the food demon. I guarantee you that gaining misery weight will not help. I repeat, eating will not make you feel better! Especially in the long run. Stay focused on your program; and hold onto that as proof that you are strong! Big hugs, dude, we're rooting for ya!!!

@@drmeow, Thanks - and I appreciate your co-denial with me (as I mentioned on page 3 I think of this thread, your theory was one I hoped for) but realistically there's VERY little in the literature to support such a theory, it doesn't seem to be how latent human sexuality actually works - damn! But you're right on, we've got a great friendship and, I believe, will make it through this with a lot of joy alongside the inevitable (and appropriate) pain and grief. I'm working on holding both at the moment - I'm so excited for her to be embracing who she is and she's reported feeling elated to not feel any pressure to be romantic with me (from herself and from me), but I also sobbed while driving between district meetings this morning in grief over the loss of all my future plans for romantic evenings, dinners, ice skating, etc. What a weird mind-twister, let alone the heart. Thank you for your support!

@@Rogofulm, right on! And let me tell you, right after disclosure, I absolutely though "I wish so badly I could just stuff my face right now and make a conscious decision to find comfort in food." But - though I know to remain vigilant and never feel 'safe' from food as comfort - as a result of my own process and identify shift through this process am in a place where I know that even in the moment of eating, I wouldn't actually feel any better - not to mention the awful physical pain of eating the junk. The issue I'm having isn't so much the temptation to take comfort in food, it's having to remember to eat at all. Just finished 2 oz of homemade goat Jerky though after reading your post - so thanks for the reminder. Eating enough and the right things is just as important as not eating too much or the wrong things.

To everyone, thank you again for your support! I HIGHLY recommend you read the entire thread before posting yourself, I know how therapeutic this has been for me. I've received several PM's from folks about how your responses have helped them and/or given them grace for a loved one they didn't previously understand and even one from a person who is considering whether or not to come out to his/her partner him/her-self. And there's also the selfish reason I'd like you to read it all first - the few responses I've gotten that have felt more hateful towards Mrs. Smye and, despite the authors' intentions, hateful towards me and my choices as a result could, I think, have been prevented had the author had the entire up-to-date picture. I'll post this note back on the first post also.

When I first started this thread, I was in a time of utter crisis and had no idea what, precisely, I needed other than the general list of guidelines I put in my first post. Now I'm still in a time of significant grief. Although Mrs. Smye and I have what appears to be a solid plan in place, I'm seeking a suitable therapist, she's continuing her work with hers and we're both reaching out for support while turning towards, rather than away from, each other, it's hard. It hurts. I'm mourning the loss of the marriage we had even in the midst of celebrating the marriage we have and the friendship we will continue to have. I'm thrilled, really and truly, that she's learning more about herself - I'm even excited at the potential of 1, 2, 3, or 10 years from now for both of us to be in relationships where we're entirely fulfilled while maintaining our friendship throughout. But I still cry myself to sleep and still find myself yearning to lean in for a kiss or to initiate lovemaking. In short, I know that this still hurts and that I still have a lot of work to do on and for myself. But I'm okay with never being 'over' the loss of our romantic marriage - I don't think one ever really, truly does get over it, nor am I convinced I even want to. But I know what I need from you all now, my bariatric family.

What I need is, in many ways, what most of you have been doing already - I just need you to sit with me in my grief, to validate and honor my pain, to Celebrate with me when a day goes well or when we have a 'victory,' and to offer me virtual hugs when I ask for them or you simply think they're warranted. In short - I need a community to bear witness to my process, validate my experience, and remain present with me throughout. Thank you for all you've done and for all you do! I'll keep this forum updated regularly with what's happening, how everyone is doing with the changes, etc - writing this all down is a huge part of my own processing, so thank you for bearing witness.

Edited August 27, 201510 yr by Smye

We are there for you...unconditionally.

@, thank you

I am sorry you are going through this. My EX was not gay but had no interest in physical intimacy of any kind. There were signs early on, but over the years it became soul crushing to not be hugged, kissed or receiving any intimacy. i blamed it on my obesity for a long time, but turns out that WASN'T it. I have no answer for it because I still care deeply for him, still miss him. I am single now and at times regret that decision, but truth is I was so terribly lonely being in a relationship where i felt neither part of a couple nor free to be single. This was way beyond the sex part, it was the whole way we interrelated with each other and the world.

Since you clearly love her, i hope you are able to give the process time before making any "permanent" decisions. This must be terribly difficult however.

I'm going through this right now as well. For a long time I blamed it on my weight and have found that's not it at all. I've begged him to see a doctor and he refuses. For the time being, I am not making any rash decisions and I can't imagine my life without him in it.

Smye - I can't imagine what your going through... I'm hopeful that even if you are not Husband and Wife, you can still be friends. It may be hard for both of you to get to that point, but keep working on it. Don't worry about the statistics.... You do what's right for you . Keep it real, keep it honest and keep the lines of communication open.

I wish the best for you!

Hi, I'm new here, waiting for my psych eval to get approval for surgery and came across this post. I am wondering if maybe your wife could be bisexual instead of gay. She obviously loves you. I feel for you and hope you figure everything out. I myself am bisexual and I love my husband dearly though there are desires he cannot fulfill. I am happy with him but occasionally there needs to be more. We have come to an agreement that works for us. I will not bother you with details. Just know there are lots of people in this situation. Maybe you both can have a long talk and feel better. Hugs to you and your wife. Feel free to message me if either of you want to talk.

Smye, sending you some hugs to stockpile when you need them. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

@@katladee, Your post made me cry, a lot, in a good way. Thank you!

@@funredneckgal, I'm glad you and your partner were able to find something workable - the more I research the more rare I learn that is. And thank you for your support. Unfortunately (for me anyway), she's not bi in the least, just hesitant (and I don't blame her) to accept any particular label.

@@PokeyJo, I'm so sorry for your struggle/frustration/grief. And you're right on - we can indeed, we believe, maintain the core and the foundation of our relationship throughout this with honesty & openness.