Hi All,

I know this is a little (or a lot) out of the ordinary for this site, but you all have been a huge support on my WLS journey so far and, well, I need an outlet and some support. I'm not looking for advice or condemnation of my wife, just support and listening ears, and maybe a bridge if anyone on here has gone through something similar. It's a bit of a long story, so thanks for reading.

I met my wife in kindergarten - by the end of September, I'd already proposed. Curiously, she said no. I tried again in December, again, she said no. In all, I think I proposed to her 8 times before we had finished second grade, I asked her out throughout middle and high school, and then, during her senior year of college, after having been best friends for most of our lives, she finally said yes. My dreams came true.

Our marriage has been wonderful, she always has been and always will be my best friend. But sex was never particularly satisfying - I loved it, but knew she wasn't getting much out of it and wasn't attracted to me sexually. It was hard, but our relationship was well worth it. She wasn't gay, we thought, she may not have been attracted to me, but she wasn't attracted physically to anyone. Maybe she was asexual.

Two months ago, we decided together she should pursue counselling to help her work through her own sexuality, to help her know if she was asexual, or repressing her sexuality as the result of some childhood trauma that I won't get into, or something else altogether. We put all sex and physical intimacy on hold to give her the space to go through her process. It was hard, sex is very important to me, but worth it. I never really imagined that what happened last night would come.

Last night she said she wanted to give me an update on her process. "Smye," she said. "I wanted to let you know that in the last few weeks I've felt some stirrings of sexual attraction for the first time and it's scared me really badly. But it's absolutely been happening."

HELL YES, I thought. FINALLY!

Then came the bomb. "And I want you to know, Smye, it's only been towards women. I'm not going to put a label on it yet, I'd give anything to have attraction to you, and maybe I still will. But so far I'm only attracted to women."

S***, S***, S***. I love her, she's still my best friend. And I'm thankful as hell that there's no affair going on to deal with.

I wouldn't trade the 7 years we've had as man and wife so far for anything. And I know she still loves me as much as ever. But it hurts like hell, I don't have a clue what's next, but the research I've (perhaps foolishly done) suggests that only 1/6 of mixed-orientation marriages survive more than 2 years after disclosure. I don't want to lose my wife, I don't want to lose my best friend. But, even if magically she wakes up tomorrow and is attracted to me as the one man she finds attractive, the marriage I thought I had is dead. No matter what happens, I know I need to grieve that.

And I've reached out to the straight spouse network. But while I'm waiting to hear back, having no clue what's next or how I'll even survive the next 10 minutes, I know I need to tell someone and come out of my own closet, so to speak. Has anyone else here been through something similar? Or do you have words of support? I do NOT want "it's god's will" or "it'll be okay" or "it all happens for a reason" etc, nor condemnation of my wife, my marriage, etc. I trust her implicitly, know that this blindsided her as much as it did me, and know too that our marriage was/is based on an incredible friendship that still exists. So don't go hating.

Neither do I want advice. I don't have a clue what it is I'm asking for exactly, but I hurt like hell, I'm terrified, and I know I ought to reach out to keep myself sane. Thanks!

EDIT - PLEASE READ BEFORE REPLYING:

To everyone, thank you again for your support! This is still very much a work in progress and I will be keeping everyone here up to date - for my own therapy if nothing else. A quick note though before lending me your love and support (unless you just want to say 'I hear you, I love you, here are some digital hugs, and take care/let us know if you need anything' - then go for it.)

I HIGHLY recommend you read the entire thread before posting yourself, I know how therapeutic this has been for me. I've received several PM's from folks about how your responses have helped them and/or given them grace for a loved one they didn't previously understand and even one from a person who is considering whether or not to come out to his/her partner him/her-self. And there's also the selfish reason I'd like you to read it all first - the few responses I've gotten that have felt more hateful towards Mrs. Smye and, despite the authors' intentions, hateful towards me and my choices as a result could, I think, have been prevented had the author had the entire up-to-date picture.

Edited August 26, 201510 yr by Smye

Well I've gone and done it - I've taken this thread and turned it into a blog - GayWifeConfusingLife.

Here's a recent posting:

As many of you know, Mrs. Smye and I have built our life together around our farmstead. We both work demanding jobs and find enormous joy in caring for our goats, ducks, chickens, and produce every afternoon and weekend - it's the stuff life is made of.

The only catch is it's also expensive. Repairs to the fence, extra feed when the snows come, the cost of watering the garden, soil alteration, and simply the mortgage required to sustain a large enough property and our home take a financial toll. But we're alright - together we make ends meet and our combined income is enough to get us by.

For now, well, we're still together. But at some point we won't be. I don't want to give up this life. Neither does she, but unless we can both find partners who A. are the loves of our lives, B. are willing to move way out in the woods and C. make bookoo bucks, that's not really an option.

It feels petty, especially with all of the other fears, insecurities, and pain surrounding this whole situation, but I'm also scared of losing my home, my goats, my food sources, my lifestyle. I don't want to go back to an apartment, or the city, or anything other than where I am. This is the first place I've allowed myself to put down roots.

Damn it.

It sounds like you have built a satisfying life together in many ways.

Whether you have to make a major change to your living arrangements now or in the future, you don't have to decide anything today do you?

You have time to explore options and look for possibilities. Just being open to ideas will help you navigate the unknown. Solutions that you never thought of in a million years may find you if you have faith and patience.

Are you a praying person? Prayer works.

Just do what is next. You don't have to have all the answers. But, you do have to have lots of questions.

@@Inner Surfer Girl, I am not, but thank you. I often envy those who are - though this is not an option for me at the moment.

And yes, I can wait/have time... but I've always been a planner, so day-to-day feels hellish (after all, I planned for 14 years to marry Mrs. Smye at 19

Dumb therapist (she's actually incredible, but hey) encouraging me to look into match.com...

You have my sympathies as you go through this difficult time in your life. I too was once married to my college sweetheart. We were married for 10 years before she revealed to me at the time that she was homosexual and wanted to end our marriage. Fast forward about 5 years since then, she's now come out as transgendered and although we stay in contact with one another, and I still have love for this person (that won't ever change I believe), I did learn to move on and live my life knowing that she would no longer be a part of it in that capacity. I say that to you that in the case you both decide that the marriage can no longer work, that you too will survive this.

I too reached out to Straight Spouse Network in the early years of going through my divorce. I wanted to find answers as to why this happened to me. It was comforting to know that I wasn't the only person in the world going through this sort of relationship/marriage ending. Try to understand that what's going on is not your fault. You didn't make your wife that way. It is what it is, who she is. She's dealing with things now that honestly, you knew nothing about. You have to try and pick your pieces back up. I would suggest the following:

1. Get counseling for yourself (separate for any marriage counseling you two were involved in). You are going to need some help coming to terms with a lot of things. The biggest one is that your marriage is eventually going to come to some sort of ending.

2. Give yourself time. You are gonna need some time to heal from this. You will indeed go through the grieving phase, because you are grieving. You are losing someone in your life that you didn't want to lose.

3. Understand that her discovering or accepting her sexual preference had/has nothing to do with you. You didn't cause this. You didn't make her that way. That one was the biggest hurdle I myself had to overcome. It took me almost 2 years to come to terms with the fact that my ex wife was gay and that had nothing to do with me, and that I didn't cause that to happen.

If you ever need anyone to just reach out to and vent I am here. You can private message me if you want. But understand that you are not alone in going through this. That you will survive this. And that you will be happy and whole again.

@@BigTink2LilTink, thank you. I appreciate your support, but please also read this entry and the entirety of the thread before offering advice. Not upset, just an honest expression of my needs.

Hey I will admit I kinda jumped the gun a bit on this because I have been down this road before. As I said before and will say again, you will get past this. Just give yourself some time. And yes I do need to read the other 14+ pages of this to see what was all said and offered to you as far as advice. Good luck to you!

@@BigTink2LilTink, thank you. I appreciate your support, but please also read this entry and the entirety of the thread before offering advice. Not upset, just an honest expression of my needs.

@@BigTink2LilTink, thanks - and yeah, it's a bit much to pour through. The blog here: gaywifeconfusinglife might be more digestible.

OKCupid Part 5

Clearly it's been a while. Holidays have come and passed (they were excellent by the way), I've been to several Meetups and spent time with friends old and new and have generally been spending less time hurting and more time out playing - hence the paucity of posts since... Wow, it's been longer than I thought.

Quick updates:
New friends are excellent, especially when combined with trivia night, Star Wars, or a Boardgames & Booze Meetup

Back on OKCupid - now that I'm hurting weekly instead of daily and feeling quite sufficient to be enough for myself - my therapist and I agreed a while back that I'm ready to dip my toe in the Water.

I went on my first ever "date-date" just last week and had a blast.

I'm considering taking yet another OKCupid hiatus. In the last week I've...

Continued here.

My timing sucks...

Getting ready for Date #3 with the woman from OKCupid 6. I'll call her The Actress, she should have a name but also have her privacy protected.

Very excited.

Like her a lot.

Going to continue to get to know one another, I've got a number of questions.

She texts, hooray!

What's it say? (edited to protect identities, etc.)

"Hey Smye,

So.. I think I need to cancel our get together next Sunday. I’ve decided that I need ...

http://bit.ly/1n6VsaA

My timing sucks...

Getting ready for Date #3 with the woman from OKCupid 6. I'll call her The Actress, she should have a name but also have her privacy protected.

Very excited.

Like her a lot.

Going to continue to get to know one another, I've got a number of questions.

She texts, hooray!

What's it say? (edited to protect identities, etc.)

"Hey Smye,

So.. I think I need to cancel our get together next Sunday. I’ve decided that I need ...

http://bit.ly/1n6VsaA

That's actually one of the nicest blow offs I've seen. Most of the time, you just stop hearing from them and you are left to wonder what happened. I'm not trying to make light of this, just letting you know that it happens all the time. You really need a thick skin to be doing this dating thing. I got really lucky and found a man I enjoy being exclusive with and have been off the dating sites after looking for about a year and a half. It's nice not to be going through that but I also know that if things go south with this guy, I'll be kicking him to the curb and back looking once again. It's the only way I know to hopefully meet someone. Good luck Smye...and hang in there.

@@gowalking, thanks and congratulations! And I agree - The Actress is pretty awesome and I greatly appreciate her kindness in the letdown... however... maybe it's not quite the letdown I thought it was...

This morning I woke up to a new text from The Actress - one that I was both surprised and gratified to read:

"Hi Smye,

Sorry for not responding to your message right away. I really appreciate your understanding and for being so supportive of my need to take a step back. Honestly, I just... http://bit.ly/1OC7kIQ

So perhaps there's hope with her yet...

Now if only I could get Chumbawumba's Tubthumping out of my head...

Seriously? My life is starting to read like a poorly written, overly-indulgent teen romance novel...

Ok I've been out of the loop ... Have u decided to divorce or will u be dating while u r still married?