Hi All,

I know this is a little (or a lot) out of the ordinary for this site, but you all have been a huge support on my WLS journey so far and, well, I need an outlet and some support. I'm not looking for advice or condemnation of my wife, just support and listening ears, and maybe a bridge if anyone on here has gone through something similar. It's a bit of a long story, so thanks for reading.

I met my wife in kindergarten - by the end of September, I'd already proposed. Curiously, she said no. I tried again in December, again, she said no. In all, I think I proposed to her 8 times before we had finished second grade, I asked her out throughout middle and high school, and then, during her senior year of college, after having been best friends for most of our lives, she finally said yes. My dreams came true.

Our marriage has been wonderful, she always has been and always will be my best friend. But sex was never particularly satisfying - I loved it, but knew she wasn't getting much out of it and wasn't attracted to me sexually. It was hard, but our relationship was well worth it. She wasn't gay, we thought, she may not have been attracted to me, but she wasn't attracted physically to anyone. Maybe she was asexual.

Two months ago, we decided together she should pursue counselling to help her work through her own sexuality, to help her know if she was asexual, or repressing her sexuality as the result of some childhood trauma that I won't get into, or something else altogether. We put all sex and physical intimacy on hold to give her the space to go through her process. It was hard, sex is very important to me, but worth it. I never really imagined that what happened last night would come.

Last night she said she wanted to give me an update on her process. "Smye," she said. "I wanted to let you know that in the last few weeks I've felt some stirrings of sexual attraction for the first time and it's scared me really badly. But it's absolutely been happening."

HELL YES, I thought. FINALLY!

Then came the bomb. "And I want you to know, Smye, it's only been towards women. I'm not going to put a label on it yet, I'd give anything to have attraction to you, and maybe I still will. But so far I'm only attracted to women."

S***, S***, S***. I love her, she's still my best friend. And I'm thankful as hell that there's no affair going on to deal with.

I wouldn't trade the 7 years we've had as man and wife so far for anything. And I know she still loves me as much as ever. But it hurts like hell, I don't have a clue what's next, but the research I've (perhaps foolishly done) suggests that only 1/6 of mixed-orientation marriages survive more than 2 years after disclosure. I don't want to lose my wife, I don't want to lose my best friend. But, even if magically she wakes up tomorrow and is attracted to me as the one man she finds attractive, the marriage I thought I had is dead. No matter what happens, I know I need to grieve that.

And I've reached out to the straight spouse network. But while I'm waiting to hear back, having no clue what's next or how I'll even survive the next 10 minutes, I know I need to tell someone and come out of my own closet, so to speak. Has anyone else here been through something similar? Or do you have words of support? I do NOT want "it's god's will" or "it'll be okay" or "it all happens for a reason" etc, nor condemnation of my wife, my marriage, etc. I trust her implicitly, know that this blindsided her as much as it did me, and know too that our marriage was/is based on an incredible friendship that still exists. So don't go hating.

Neither do I want advice. I don't have a clue what it is I'm asking for exactly, but I hurt like hell, I'm terrified, and I know I ought to reach out to keep myself sane. Thanks!

EDIT - PLEASE READ BEFORE REPLYING:

To everyone, thank you again for your support! This is still very much a work in progress and I will be keeping everyone here up to date - for my own therapy if nothing else. A quick note though before lending me your love and support (unless you just want to say 'I hear you, I love you, here are some digital hugs, and take care/let us know if you need anything' - then go for it.)

I HIGHLY recommend you read the entire thread before posting yourself, I know how therapeutic this has been for me. I've received several PM's from folks about how your responses have helped them and/or given them grace for a loved one they didn't previously understand and even one from a person who is considering whether or not to come out to his/her partner him/her-self. And there's also the selfish reason I'd like you to read it all first - the few responses I've gotten that have felt more hateful towards Mrs. Smye and, despite the authors' intentions, hateful towards me and my choices as a result could, I think, have been prevented had the author had the entire up-to-date picture.

Edited August 26, 201510 yr by Smye

@@pink dahlia, thank you!

Weeeeellll, just as I posted my last reply, I saw that your update had just come in. To paraphrase Bariatic Pal Chrystee , " A day late and a dollar short , I am !! Still sending you hugs !!

@@pink dahlia, doesn't change the fact that you're dead on and supportive as hell in the meantime. Thank you.

Welcome !

Smye, I am so happy for you right now I am smiling (even though you can't see me!). I prayed for you yesterday, all day, and am so glad that you are in a much brighter place today. You are an amazing person, and your wife I'm sure agrees.

Somehow this is not cool!!!She is just figuring that out now!!!????Give me a break...what's important that you understand that life is short and you need to live your life happily..lI am not like others..,I am going to tell it like it is...you deserve better,You deserve someone who is going to prefer men and most of all you..."YOU"...ditch this wifey who doesn't wAnt you...you can remain friends if you want.GET YOU BACK..LOVE YOURSELF AND GET OIT THEREAND FIND YOU SOMEONE that will loveYOU...want to have a fulfilling intimates do meaningful relationship with YOU...this wife needs to be EXED.Live your life...this is coming from a cancer survivor!

It's about YOU!!!

Seize life and leave dead weight alone.

You need to be happy and fulfilled.Find your voice.

There is a woman out there for you...this is nonsense...she is just figuring it out now...please...

@@Pinkgirl1234, although I'd agree with you for many couples in my situation, you are grossly mistaken. I appreciate your willingness to do the unpopular, go against my wishes and 'tell it like it is' - no sarcasm, I really admire your commitment to authenticity. However, I hope you'll agree (and if you don't, oh well) that you don't quite understand the dynamics of my marriage once I get the chance after work tonight to write out our current resolution. Short version - we'll both be finding new exclusive partners when we're each ready as individuals, divorcing at that time, but maintaining our incredible friendship through it all. I'll even likely help write her OK-Cupid (or whatever service she uses) profile and walk her down the aisle - and vice versa. And yes, she really and truly is just figuring this out now - I don't know how deeply part of the LGBTIQ community you are or aren't, but it's a thing, it happens, and it's not anybody's fault. As a society, all we can do is accept that the experience of folks who discover their sexuality "late" in life (keep in mind, we're significantly younger than you probably think we are - we both graduated high school and college very early and were married at an age most could call unconscionable) might not reflect our own but is still real for them, and support and love those around us in spite of not understanding. But seriously, your outrage on my behalf is weirdly comforting . I will say though that your fervor did have the effect of making me feel silenced by you rather than helping me 'find my voice.' For what it's worth.

@@katladee, she does, I do too, and thank you! You've been a lovely support! As have all of the folks on here.

Edited August 25, 201510 yr by Smye

@, Thank you! Me too, I just wish I knew what they were and that they could fasttrack us - I'm so sick of being in pain/afraid.

My situation was the death of my spouse but I understand you when you say you are sick of being in pain and afraid. So was I my friend. We try all kinds of things to fast track grief but unfortunately, if you don't experience it however you have to, you will not be able to accept it and move forward in a healthy manner.

For all intents and purposes, you are going through the death of your marriage. You will have to mourn and grieve and it will take time. Work with a therapist who will help you navigate this emotional minefield. I did and I don't know if I would have made it without her.

Know that some wounds cut so deep that the scar remains no matter what. I didn't date for 15 years because I was afraid of losing someone I loved again. I finally got up the strength to try to let someone in my life and while I'm in a relationship now, I still fear the loss. It will always be there. Your pain may always be there as well. You will just have to learn to live with it and not let it define you.

Hugs to you and wishing you only the best in this long and difficult journey you face. Try to remember that she sounds like a wonderful person who might evolve into a great friend one day. If not, at least you are a better man for having had her in your life.

@@gowalking, agreed agreed agreed agreed agreed agreed and she already is and always has been

And thank you.

AND I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine...

Edited August 26, 201510 yr by Smye

My process is about ME, hers is about HER, and ours is about US! What could be more lovely? And more painful? It's odd, but I feel I'm big enough to hold both inside me.

Smye, you said: "Short version - we'll both be finding new exclusive partners when we're each ready as individuals, divorcing at that time, but maintaining our incredible friendship through it all."

Are you talking about an open marriage? Hmmmmmmm....interesting concept for your situation. That might just work.

@@Miss Mac, Not precisely, we're certainly not calling it an open marriage, nor are we going to be pursuing what would be 'typical' of an open marriage - though it's fair to call it a derivative of an open marriage. As I understand open marriages, the idea there is to keep the core partnership as primary while pursuing 'getting needs met' outside of the marriage. We're both pretty certain this would get ugly quick for both of us.

In our case, rather, we'll be remaining married strictly platonically as best friends for the time being, but when and if (it may not happen, we'll see) we start dating, the idea isn't to 'meet sexual needs' with long or short term flings, but that we're actively seeking a new forever partner. Once that new partner is found for either of us, we divorce amicably, while remaining best friends throughout. Ideally even living in the same neighborhood or as housemates with the other couple. Our marriage would be intended to end, a placeholder representing our forever deep love, not to mention the social, financial, legal etc benefits of remaining married in the meantime. But after each date debriefing as we would with anything else, helping one another problem solve along the way, etc. Oh, and SUPER clear communication throughout. And all of this AFTER she settles on whatever her identity actually is, this is all new enough she'd rather not wait.

And since we're family, our future dating will be as it would be with any other family "look, you marry me, you're marrying my mom/dad/sister/family too." Does that make sense?

Also, thanks for asking! Answering this question really helped me continue my own processing here.

Edited August 25, 201510 yr by Smye

@@Smye, I have a close friend who found out after many years of marriage, and two children, that his wife was attracted to both men and women, and who had a friend that she loved as well (although no physical relationship had yet happened). I know how powerfully difficult this was for their whole family, because like your situation they were really close too.

In their case, there were lots of challenges that occurred over time. I won't go into details, since your situation will undoubtedly be different, but I want to wish you the best in your journey. Please remember that although your friendship is very important to you, that it is also important for you to take care of yourself as well, and not deny your own happiness and health (otherwise it will eventually lead to lots of suppressed resentment).

Best Wishes.