Hi All,

I know this is a little (or a lot) out of the ordinary for this site, but you all have been a huge support on my WLS journey so far and, well, I need an outlet and some support. I'm not looking for advice or condemnation of my wife, just support and listening ears, and maybe a bridge if anyone on here has gone through something similar. It's a bit of a long story, so thanks for reading.

I met my wife in kindergarten - by the end of September, I'd already proposed. Curiously, she said no. I tried again in December, again, she said no. In all, I think I proposed to her 8 times before we had finished second grade, I asked her out throughout middle and high school, and then, during her senior year of college, after having been best friends for most of our lives, she finally said yes. My dreams came true.

Our marriage has been wonderful, she always has been and always will be my best friend. But sex was never particularly satisfying - I loved it, but knew she wasn't getting much out of it and wasn't attracted to me sexually. It was hard, but our relationship was well worth it. She wasn't gay, we thought, she may not have been attracted to me, but she wasn't attracted physically to anyone. Maybe she was asexual.

Two months ago, we decided together she should pursue counselling to help her work through her own sexuality, to help her know if she was asexual, or repressing her sexuality as the result of some childhood trauma that I won't get into, or something else altogether. We put all sex and physical intimacy on hold to give her the space to go through her process. It was hard, sex is very important to me, but worth it. I never really imagined that what happened last night would come.

Last night she said she wanted to give me an update on her process. "Smye," she said. "I wanted to let you know that in the last few weeks I've felt some stirrings of sexual attraction for the first time and it's scared me really badly. But it's absolutely been happening."

HELL YES, I thought. FINALLY!

Then came the bomb. "And I want you to know, Smye, it's only been towards women. I'm not going to put a label on it yet, I'd give anything to have attraction to you, and maybe I still will. But so far I'm only attracted to women."

S***, S***, S***. I love her, she's still my best friend. And I'm thankful as hell that there's no affair going on to deal with.

I wouldn't trade the 7 years we've had as man and wife so far for anything. And I know she still loves me as much as ever. But it hurts like hell, I don't have a clue what's next, but the research I've (perhaps foolishly done) suggests that only 1/6 of mixed-orientation marriages survive more than 2 years after disclosure. I don't want to lose my wife, I don't want to lose my best friend. But, even if magically she wakes up tomorrow and is attracted to me as the one man she finds attractive, the marriage I thought I had is dead. No matter what happens, I know I need to grieve that.

And I've reached out to the straight spouse network. But while I'm waiting to hear back, having no clue what's next or how I'll even survive the next 10 minutes, I know I need to tell someone and come out of my own closet, so to speak. Has anyone else here been through something similar? Or do you have words of support? I do NOT want "it's god's will" or "it'll be okay" or "it all happens for a reason" etc, nor condemnation of my wife, my marriage, etc. I trust her implicitly, know that this blindsided her as much as it did me, and know too that our marriage was/is based on an incredible friendship that still exists. So don't go hating.

Neither do I want advice. I don't have a clue what it is I'm asking for exactly, but I hurt like hell, I'm terrified, and I know I ought to reach out to keep myself sane. Thanks!

EDIT - PLEASE READ BEFORE REPLYING:

To everyone, thank you again for your support! This is still very much a work in progress and I will be keeping everyone here up to date - for my own therapy if nothing else. A quick note though before lending me your love and support (unless you just want to say 'I hear you, I love you, here are some digital hugs, and take care/let us know if you need anything' - then go for it.)

I HIGHLY recommend you read the entire thread before posting yourself, I know how therapeutic this has been for me. I've received several PM's from folks about how your responses have helped them and/or given them grace for a loved one they didn't previously understand and even one from a person who is considering whether or not to come out to his/her partner him/her-self. And there's also the selfish reason I'd like you to read it all first - the few responses I've gotten that have felt more hateful towards Mrs. Smye and, despite the authors' intentions, hateful towards me and my choices as a result could, I think, have been prevented had the author had the entire up-to-date picture.

Edited August 26, 201510 yr by Smye

I have no words of wisdom-just sending you a hug....

Hugs to you. I know there are no words that I can say that will take away the heartache you are experiencing. It sounds to me as if your wife loves you very much and the chance of you losing her as your best friend is very slim.

I hope you both find all the happiness you can handle, whether it be together, apart or together but separate.

((((((((((Hugs)))))))))

My heart goes out to you and your wife. This has to be an excruciating experience. I hope it all works out for your good. I understand what you mean when you wish the world would stop turning. I felt that way when my father died. It was such a loss for me and it felt like a betrayal that the whole world could go on when I needed everyone to realize how bad I was hurting. This situation is causing you and your wife a lot of pain. God bless you both.

@@Bean80128, thank you. Every comment like yours is a buoy for the next 3 minutes. It's almost pathetic (I know it's not really) but after 3 I need another - so thank you for being this one.

@@LipstickLady, yeah, I agree. I don't actually think we'll ever stop being friends or loving one another - I just don't want to be only friends, you know? I've craved her as my life partner since I was 5. But I want her to be happy, truly happy, and to be able to love her partner as I've loved her, even if that means that partner isn't me. One the one hand I know one of my two my 'nonnegotiables' through this all is that I need for us to both be loved and to love fully and to feel all of that love. The sucky part is that the other nonnegotiable I've got is that I need to stay partnered to her . I guess that's why this takes time.

@@Joz31, See my comment to Bean80128. Thank you!

@@MEL0129, Excruciating is exactly the word. And I feel so guilty for my own pain because I know it's so much of what's hurting her. Thank you!

Edited August 24, 201510 yr by Smye

Oh, and we have a kid with special needs - that doesn't throw a messy wrench into the whole debacle.

I'm so sorry! For you and for your child too.

I hope you find the strength you need to hear it and emerge strong, minute by minute then hour by hour and then day by day. Thoughts and prayers are with the three of you!

@@jess9395, Thank you!

This sucks, but you deserve someone who wants to be intimate with you, and is willing to give back to you sexually. She can still be a friend.. she could end up still being best friends with you. I wish you good luck.

Hugs and prayers

@@Chrystee, thank you! I'm still holding out hope for 'both/and.'

@@Floridagirl2, thank you! I wish there were an e-way to actually get all these hugs

@@Smye - I am very curious, were you always heavy? When weight changes, it can really alter relationship dynamics. For instance, my girlfriend who I met when I was 305 broke up with me at 240. Part of the reason I think she did was her first husband cheated on her in the worst way. I think she was happier when I was heavy because she felt I wasn't really attractive enough to get other women interested.

And my understanding of working through deep issues like latent sexual feelings is don't make quick decisions. It takes women much longer to work through these issues than guys because they are wired to use both sides of their brains and she will be focusing on different aspects at a pace which will make your head hurt. Listen, be supportive, DO NOT offer advice or direction. Just listen until she is fully settled.

@@OKCPirate, yes I've always been heavy, but thankfully Mrs. Smye suffers from face blindness - a portion of which being that she actually can't tell by looking at someone if they're overweight . But yes, WLS absolutely changes things - here though I think it was more that our life was finally stable enough for long enough that she felt safe enough to actually explore her own sexuality in ways she was not able to do as a child in a particularly yucky home.

And yes, thank you for the other words - listening is what I'm trying to do. But as we've always told one another absolutely everything, I'm struggling not to unload my own grief on her in the meantime while searching for a new counsellor for myself. I know it's slowing her process, but it's where I'm at for now.

The plan for tonight is, once our little guy goes down (assuming he goes down before 10), to try and hang out as friends and focus on enjoying, even reveling in our friendship rather than the grief/despair/etc I feel or the shame she's feeling.

Edited August 24, 201510 yr by Smye

@@Smye

Hugs and prayers to you. I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I cannot imagine what you are feeling.

I hope that as time goes on you are able to heal and you are able to remain friends. You clearly love her very much and I am certain she loves you too and doesn't mean to cause you pain.

I hope that you find peace with one another.

You seem so very kindhearted and thoughtful. A rare find. I don't know what a therapist will tell you, but I believe you should share all of your feelings with your wife. You two are in a partnership, this is a problem for both of you. As her husband, you really owe her your honesty, as she does to you. Honesty, trust, love and friendship, you two have the fundamental basics of a solid relationship covered.