Hi All,

I know this is a little (or a lot) out of the ordinary for this site, but you all have been a huge support on my WLS journey so far and, well, I need an outlet and some support. I'm not looking for advice or condemnation of my wife, just support and listening ears, and maybe a bridge if anyone on here has gone through something similar. It's a bit of a long story, so thanks for reading.

I met my wife in kindergarten - by the end of September, I'd already proposed. Curiously, she said no. I tried again in December, again, she said no. In all, I think I proposed to her 8 times before we had finished second grade, I asked her out throughout middle and high school, and then, during her senior year of college, after having been best friends for most of our lives, she finally said yes. My dreams came true.

Our marriage has been wonderful, she always has been and always will be my best friend. But sex was never particularly satisfying - I loved it, but knew she wasn't getting much out of it and wasn't attracted to me sexually. It was hard, but our relationship was well worth it. She wasn't gay, we thought, she may not have been attracted to me, but she wasn't attracted physically to anyone. Maybe she was asexual.

Two months ago, we decided together she should pursue counselling to help her work through her own sexuality, to help her know if she was asexual, or repressing her sexuality as the result of some childhood trauma that I won't get into, or something else altogether. We put all sex and physical intimacy on hold to give her the space to go through her process. It was hard, sex is very important to me, but worth it. I never really imagined that what happened last night would come.

Last night she said she wanted to give me an update on her process. "Smye," she said. "I wanted to let you know that in the last few weeks I've felt some stirrings of sexual attraction for the first time and it's scared me really badly. But it's absolutely been happening."

HELL YES, I thought. FINALLY!

Then came the bomb. "And I want you to know, Smye, it's only been towards women. I'm not going to put a label on it yet, I'd give anything to have attraction to you, and maybe I still will. But so far I'm only attracted to women."

S***, S***, S***. I love her, she's still my best friend. And I'm thankful as hell that there's no affair going on to deal with.

I wouldn't trade the 7 years we've had as man and wife so far for anything. And I know she still loves me as much as ever. But it hurts like hell, I don't have a clue what's next, but the research I've (perhaps foolishly done) suggests that only 1/6 of mixed-orientation marriages survive more than 2 years after disclosure. I don't want to lose my wife, I don't want to lose my best friend. But, even if magically she wakes up tomorrow and is attracted to me as the one man she finds attractive, the marriage I thought I had is dead. No matter what happens, I know I need to grieve that.

And I've reached out to the straight spouse network. But while I'm waiting to hear back, having no clue what's next or how I'll even survive the next 10 minutes, I know I need to tell someone and come out of my own closet, so to speak. Has anyone else here been through something similar? Or do you have words of support? I do NOT want "it's god's will" or "it'll be okay" or "it all happens for a reason" etc, nor condemnation of my wife, my marriage, etc. I trust her implicitly, know that this blindsided her as much as it did me, and know too that our marriage was/is based on an incredible friendship that still exists. So don't go hating.

Neither do I want advice. I don't have a clue what it is I'm asking for exactly, but I hurt like hell, I'm terrified, and I know I ought to reach out to keep myself sane. Thanks!

EDIT - PLEASE READ BEFORE REPLYING:

To everyone, thank you again for your support! This is still very much a work in progress and I will be keeping everyone here up to date - for my own therapy if nothing else. A quick note though before lending me your love and support (unless you just want to say 'I hear you, I love you, here are some digital hugs, and take care/let us know if you need anything' - then go for it.)

I HIGHLY recommend you read the entire thread before posting yourself, I know how therapeutic this has been for me. I've received several PM's from folks about how your responses have helped them and/or given them grace for a loved one they didn't previously understand and even one from a person who is considering whether or not to come out to his/her partner him/her-self. And there's also the selfish reason I'd like you to read it all first - the few responses I've gotten that have felt more hateful towards Mrs. Smye and, despite the authors' intentions, hateful towards me and my choices as a result could, I think, have been prevented had the author had the entire up-to-date picture.

Edited August 26, 201510 yr by Smye

So I've found two possible counsellors - one who specializes in giftedness (a condition that makes most counseling a difficult process for most of those who fall into that category - yay me ), and one who specializes in LGBTIQ issues. I've got an appointment with each in two weeks - I'll just have to see if either is a good fit.

Also, a VERY surreal experience today. I found myself sobbing on my drive into work, I am very literally giving up my longest held dream (I first decided I would marry my wife when I was 5) by considering going forward with our plan. And throughout our marriage, I've been entirely faithful to her, both with my body and with my mind - not even considering other women as anything more than purely platonic, struggling at times to even appreciate their beauty more deeply than I do a mountain range (a lot of appreciation and wonder, but nothing romantic or 'yearning' or sexual). In short, she's been my everything. So today when I suddenly realized that I was looking at the left hand of every female bodied person I saw to see if a ring was there and if so on which finger. Well, it was a huge rush of shame initially mostly now it's just a curiousity, something I'm working to understand more than on a cognitive level...

... especially when I realized that I am married. I love my wife with my entire self. I fully intend to keep loving her just as deeply until the day I die. And I'm utterly psyched (and more than a little terrified) at the thought of making love with another woman.

Wait, what? Really? I want to have relationship, fall in love, and have sex with someone other than Mrs. Smye? Meaningful sex, not just affair sex? And still love Mrs. Smye? And somehow this isn't wrong? Yes. That's exactly what I mean. Don't get me wrong - I'm not actually ready to build my OKCupid profile, I've no idea when I will be. Heck, if the cute barista at starbucks asked me to dinner, I'd say no right now. But that doesn't mean I'm not excited and working hard to accept that this excitement is neither taboo nor any sort of betrayal.

What a mind-f****.

Edited August 29, 201510 yr by Smye

Glad you have found counselors that may be able to help. Good luck! :-)

Just consider this experience the same as every other tough experience in life -- an opportunity for personal growth and the chance to have an even better life than you'd ever imagined you could have had before all this happened.

If I had achieved and experienced in my whole life ONLY what I'd aimed for when I was 20 or 30 or 40 or even 50 I'd never have had the fuller life I have turned out having.

You / we / I cannot limit our dreams and goals to our initial ones. We dream like babies when we're babies. There's so much out there that's possible than our first dreams revealed to us.

When you are through grieving over your old dreams, you'll create some new ones.

im sorry your going through this i know its hard but as long as you can salvage the friendship i think you will be better in the long run it hurts right now but it will get better.

My husband had a similar experience with his former wife. 12 years into the marriage she "came out" to him. I'm sure a case could be made by an outsider for being angry and punishing toward someone if they're self-righteous enough but honestly, this is such a painful and devastating thing to happen. I just can't see any sense in making it worse with ugliness. I truly hope you both get through this unscathed and intact. *hugs*

*Smye, I completely understand what you're going through. I married my best friend and high school sweetheart and we had a beautiful baby boy. We were married young and got along beautifully, but sex always fell short of my expectations. Because we were best friends, we were able to talk honestly and support each other through his realization that he was gay. There was nothing he could do to change and nothing I could do to change him. So we agreed to always love and help each other, plus pursue other relationships. He came out 25 years ago and we are still best friends. I am remarried to a man who makes me extremely happy. He gets along beautifully with my ex-husband. When you love someone, you want them to be happy. To be honest, I am much happier that he is gay. I was never jealous of the men he dated. I hope that 25 years from now, the two of you are still best friends and participating in each others' lives. I am also hopeful you both find new spouses who can accept the strong and loving relationship that you and your wife have. Good luck to you and your wife. She must be very strong to be able to finally admit her truths to herself and to you.

@@Smye - keeping you and your family in my prayers.

@@Folly, thank you so much for sharing your story, the perspective of the new spouse of a formerly straight spouse is one I haven't heard and it is a huge asset to me to hear it. And thank you for the *hugs* as well, received and warmed! My sympathies & congratulation to your husband. If you don't mind sharing a little more, what was the experience like for you? I'm at the point of considering the possibility of actually, really, truly, coming to love someone else and want to ensure that I am able to support my future spouse through what will undoubtedly be challenging for her as well.

@@cusoon, I'm so sorry you and your ex went through that, it hurts like hell. But I'm so glad to hear your story! I too hope (and trust) that 25 years from now we'll be where you are, but the getting there in the meantime is daunting. For now, we share a bed still, we live together, and ideally will do so until one of us is repartnered, but, for example - how do we navigate this when we start actually seeing other people? What about when/if Mrs. Smye doesn't make enough to support herself, I don't make enough to support a mortgage AND a rent, but (assuming I repartner first) my new partner has moved in etc etc. Long story short - thank you. And yes, Mrs. Smye is made of stronger stuff than I can even conceive of.

@@jane13, thank you!

@@VSGAnn2014, thank you.

@@Jessica Ellison-Correa, Agreed on all counts, even the caveat.

@@Smye, My ex and I lived in the same house for quite awhile after we started dating other people. Plus, we worked for the same company many times through the years, so we could stay close. The people who couldn't accept my relationship with my ex weren't worth my time. It was a great way to screen out the bad ones. We have helped each other financially through the years. Your wife started as your best friend and she should continue to hold that role, even if this transition hurts. Once you take the time to grieve the loss of the marriage, it does get better. We had a rocky couple of years at the beginning. Communicating (especially when it hurt the most) was what made it possible to get through the rough times. Don't expect your friends and relatives to understand at first. They feel like they need to pick sides, and that's not what this type of thing is about.

A close girlfriend of mine was married when she came out. She remained living with her ex-husband. When she fell in love with a woman, the three of them lived in the same house until her ex was able to afford to live on his own. They coexisted for years this way. If you put aside what society deems as "normal" for families, you can come up with a solution that works for everyone. My thoughts will be with you. I wish you much happiness.

These issues really give me a chance to consider what love means. By which I mean "love" that has no other label but "unconditional."

Wow.

For now, we share a bed still, we live together, and ideally will do so until one of us is repartnered, but, for example - how do we navigate this when we start actually seeing other people?

Ehhhh..... This part makes me nervous. Many years ago I lived next door to a girlfriend who decided we needed to see other people because I wouldn't marry her. We both agreed that would be best, but stayed "together" without actually changing anything, until one day she met someone at a party. They started dating, and shortly thereafter he moved into her house. Well --- All of a sudden I felt strongly about her again. I guess it was more of a possessiveness thing than a true romance thing. But I went into a deep depression, quit eating, lost about 100 pounds, and mourned the relationship until I finally moved away from her and stopped watching her and the new beau through my window. After I moved, I started getting better almost immediately. But my point is, that the proximity may be fine... until one of you starts seeing someone else. Then the pain can be unbearable. And for you, that would be another major hit. You might want to talk to a counselor and/or lawyer about the advisability of moving out before that happens. Just a thought.....

Somehow this is not cool!!!She is just figuring that out now!!!????Give me a break...what's important that you understand that life is short and you need to live your life happily..lI am not like others..,I am going to tell it like it is...you deserve better,You deserve someone who is going to prefer men and most of all you..."YOU"...ditch this wifey who doesn't wAnt you...you can remain friends if you want.GET YOU BACK..LOVE YOURSELF AND GET OIT THEREAND FIND YOU SOMEONE that will loveYOU...want to have a fulfilling intimates do meaningful relationship with YOU...this wife needs to be EXED.Live your life...this is coming from a cancer survivor!

It isn't uncommon for someone to discover or "admit" to their sexuality later in life, even to themselves. A good friend of mine came out (to herself and to society) after her children were adults.

@@betrthnever, HERE HERE!

@@cusoon, thank you for your willingness to be vulnerable and share!

@@VSGAnn2014, no kidding, that's two of us!

@@Rogofulm, I'll admit, were it anyone else, even now going through this myself, I'd give roughly the same advice to them. However (and I admit this might be naive), I don't plan on following it entirely myself - excepting that ABSOLUTELY we're going to be seeing a counselor to help guide us through this process and the deal is 100% open honesty at all stages and a willingness to change the plan when/if need be. Of course it's going to hurt like hell, but I think that's inherent in the vulnerability necessary for us to stay a family in the way we want. Check out Brene Brown (like, read the books more than just the TED talk), it's great stuff.

@@Smye

My husband joined a support group for people who had a spouse/partner who "came out" after establishing a heterosexual relationship.

He was sandbagged - 12 years, two kids, etc. There was a long cooling off period for him, he felt so lied to. She could have been a little less cold in the way she treated him and the kids. Ultimately he was able to get past feeling like he was her "skirt" until her father died. The anger was pretty bad from what I heard. He still can be triggered, if he dwells on it, into being resentful about her "wasting years of my life under false pretenses" (Those are his words).

By the time I met him they had been divorced for a few years and had managed to become friendly if not actual friends. He ended up liking some of the partners that came and went in her life. The problems he has with her are really about other things but not actually about her being gay.

One thing I can tell you is I have personally known several people who had a spouse "come out" after years and one after decades.

The ones who seem to have the least destructive and hurtful transitions into whatever comes next are the ones who keep their eye on not personalizing what their partner needs. It has nothing to do with you. The other thing that seems to be helpful is recognizing that feeling lied to is probably a normal and even justifiable feeling but it isn't really fair to assume it was intentional. Most of the time it seems like people get into marriages with heterosexuals when they are gay because they are still struggling to accept or understand what, on some level, is not OK with them.

I actually think it's kind of brave to face it. I think it's brave to put aside angry and hurt feelings. I think she must feel very safe and loved by you to have the courage to face it with you.

It might be helpful to get in touch with a support group so you have a place to share this, and to vent the negative feelings that inevitably come when relationships change in ways we did not want them to.

I hope that helps. *HUGS*

Peace