Hi All,

I know this is a little (or a lot) out of the ordinary for this site, but you all have been a huge support on my WLS journey so far and, well, I need an outlet and some support. I'm not looking for advice or condemnation of my wife, just support and listening ears, and maybe a bridge if anyone on here has gone through something similar. It's a bit of a long story, so thanks for reading.

I met my wife in kindergarten - by the end of September, I'd already proposed. Curiously, she said no. I tried again in December, again, she said no. In all, I think I proposed to her 8 times before we had finished second grade, I asked her out throughout middle and high school, and then, during her senior year of college, after having been best friends for most of our lives, she finally said yes. My dreams came true.

Our marriage has been wonderful, she always has been and always will be my best friend. But sex was never particularly satisfying - I loved it, but knew she wasn't getting much out of it and wasn't attracted to me sexually. It was hard, but our relationship was well worth it. She wasn't gay, we thought, she may not have been attracted to me, but she wasn't attracted physically to anyone. Maybe she was asexual.

Two months ago, we decided together she should pursue counselling to help her work through her own sexuality, to help her know if she was asexual, or repressing her sexuality as the result of some childhood trauma that I won't get into, or something else altogether. We put all sex and physical intimacy on hold to give her the space to go through her process. It was hard, sex is very important to me, but worth it. I never really imagined that what happened last night would come.

Last night she said she wanted to give me an update on her process. "Smye," she said. "I wanted to let you know that in the last few weeks I've felt some stirrings of sexual attraction for the first time and it's scared me really badly. But it's absolutely been happening."

HELL YES, I thought. FINALLY!

Then came the bomb. "And I want you to know, Smye, it's only been towards women. I'm not going to put a label on it yet, I'd give anything to have attraction to you, and maybe I still will. But so far I'm only attracted to women."

S***, S***, S***. I love her, she's still my best friend. And I'm thankful as hell that there's no affair going on to deal with.

I wouldn't trade the 7 years we've had as man and wife so far for anything. And I know she still loves me as much as ever. But it hurts like hell, I don't have a clue what's next, but the research I've (perhaps foolishly done) suggests that only 1/6 of mixed-orientation marriages survive more than 2 years after disclosure. I don't want to lose my wife, I don't want to lose my best friend. But, even if magically she wakes up tomorrow and is attracted to me as the one man she finds attractive, the marriage I thought I had is dead. No matter what happens, I know I need to grieve that.

And I've reached out to the straight spouse network. But while I'm waiting to hear back, having no clue what's next or how I'll even survive the next 10 minutes, I know I need to tell someone and come out of my own closet, so to speak. Has anyone else here been through something similar? Or do you have words of support? I do NOT want "it's god's will" or "it'll be okay" or "it all happens for a reason" etc, nor condemnation of my wife, my marriage, etc. I trust her implicitly, know that this blindsided her as much as it did me, and know too that our marriage was/is based on an incredible friendship that still exists. So don't go hating.

Neither do I want advice. I don't have a clue what it is I'm asking for exactly, but I hurt like hell, I'm terrified, and I know I ought to reach out to keep myself sane. Thanks!

EDIT - PLEASE READ BEFORE REPLYING:

To everyone, thank you again for your support! This is still very much a work in progress and I will be keeping everyone here up to date - for my own therapy if nothing else. A quick note though before lending me your love and support (unless you just want to say 'I hear you, I love you, here are some digital hugs, and take care/let us know if you need anything' - then go for it.)

I HIGHLY recommend you read the entire thread before posting yourself, I know how therapeutic this has been for me. I've received several PM's from folks about how your responses have helped them and/or given them grace for a loved one they didn't previously understand and even one from a person who is considering whether or not to come out to his/her partner him/her-self. And there's also the selfish reason I'd like you to read it all first - the few responses I've gotten that have felt more hateful towards Mrs. Smye and, despite the authors' intentions, hateful towards me and my choices as a result could, I think, have been prevented had the author had the entire up-to-date picture.

Edited August 26, 201510 yr by Smye

@@betrthnever, great question. Your answer is here.

Well, the Actress seems to have ghosted entirely (or is legitimately seeking her own therapy/doing her own work, in which case, well done Actess, I can't wait to reconnect - be it as friends or more - when you're ready).

On the other hand, The Cartographer has now emerged... more about her to come.

Mrs. Smye has started dating (though she doesn't use that term just yet) and I'm so excited for her! She also met The Cartographer last week and they seem to get on quite well thus far.

Lastly - The Cartographer made my therapist cry, in a good way. This is going to be fun!

A slightly more detailed update: http://gaywifeconfusinglife.blogspot.com/2016/02/the-cartographer-brief-introduction.html

Updates: The Cartograher and I started dating exlusively Jan 29. I've met her family, she's met mine. Everyone likes one another quite well. But...

I've been wondering about my future with The Cartographer since Friday. She's delightful, wonderful, fun, smart, funny, and incredibly depressed/panicky.

Were I in a committed relationship, the solution is simple - we'll work through this, I'll support you 'in sickness and in health' etc.

but only 1.5 months in... Well... I'll continue

Oh and she's been talking kids, marriage, etc. Don't get me wrong, I'm looking for a forever partner, not casual dating - but I'm not there yet... nor do I want to be at this stage. Anyway...

On Friday we were watching Agents of Shield on her couch, and all of a sudden she pulled the blankets over her head and trembled, nonresponsive for nearly an hour. I did my best to support/comfort etc., but to no avail.

Eventually she came out, bedraggled and exhausted and let me know that "Smye, your love is the only thing that kept me here, that keeps me going right now."

Since then, she's had to go home early every day this week due to panic attacks. I don't blame her in any way, or think any less of her as a human... but I do wonder "is this how I want to spend my life? And is this someone who could effectively co-parent my son given the incredible emotional demands that being with him takes?

Since then, she's talked about how my love keeps her going over a dozen times in ways that feel co-dependent/unhealthy and, frankly, I can't reciprocate even if I wanted to. I do love her, to be sure... but shit.

Then yesterday I came over for our usual Wednesday night dinner date and, well, shit... when she kissed me, it actually felt negative.

I didn't think I could feel such a thing as a desire to not kiss someone... I always thought I was that guy who'd be psyched to kiss a wall if it kissed back.

So there's that. And tomorrow she's getting her IUD - damn - and I've been planning her birthday with her mom for next weekend AND we've got that cabin reserved...

Oh, and then one other complication...

There was recently a moderately sized gas leak explosion in a large nearby city. It was also in the same general area where The Actress lives (I think its several blocks away - not sure though)

And my first thought was "OH SHIT! THE ACTRESS!?!?!?" And The Actress has been on my mind since

And then, not 20 minutes ago, I receive the following texts from The Actress:

"Hey! So... I'm gradually emerging from my radio silence. It was much needed. Are you interested in hanging out again at some point? I can't promise more than friendship but I really enjoyed spending time with you and would like to again if you're open to it!"

And just now got: "Also, I downloaded Coffee Meets Bagel a few days at the recommendation of a friend, and guess who I saw there today??? You!! I was going to 'like' you, but didn't need to because I already have your number, ha. ;)"

DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN

Sure... I could say "ABSOLUTELY" to The Actress, pursue friendship and continue with The Cartographer in the hopes that her declarations that "I'm not usually like this" are true and it clears up soon... but that feels slightly slimy as I definitely still have feels for The Actress.

OR - I could turn The Actress down (not doing it) because I know I want more than friendship.

OR I could meet up with The Actress, see how it goes, and then break it off with The Cartographer before it goes more than friendship (probably not a good idea - definitely 'cheating,' at least emotionally and just not something I'd feel good about)

OR...

OR...

OR...

I could tell The Cartographer "Hey, I love you, I like you, but I need us to turn down the intensity until you're more stable." and go back to 'casually dating' if she's game... and lose that relationship if not and at least get friendship (hopefully more... DAMN IT) with The Actress.

FUCK FUCK FUCK

What I don't want to do is bail on The Cartographer prematurely... or on just an emotional whump-surge

BUT - there's no way in hell I'm staying in a relationship on false presences

Any thoughts, suggestions, questions, virtual hugs, ideas, anything related are all much appreciated

Yeah... I cant be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally dependent upon me for more than in the midst of crisis... I need to be in a relationship where we compliment one another, not complete each other... Damn.

And The Actress? Am I interested? Yes. But does she actually have anything to do with The Cartographer? Nope. I think that may well have been my guilt over hurting The Cartographer trying to find a scapegoat. I've been faithful to Mrs. Smye, in a sexless, romance-free marriage, for over 7 years... The Actress isn't it.

Edited March 18, 201610 yr by Smye

So are you going to break things off? Have you thought it all through?

@@lachellove, I think so. In the process of writing the above there were so many red flags that jumped out at me. If I didn't have Little Smye to consider, perhaps I'd give it longer to see... but I'm looking for his next mama and his wellbeing wouldn't be well served with The Cartographer where she is. Perhaps she'll heal, make gains and then we try again, but I don't think he can afford to have me 'wait it out' as it were.

Now the only question is how to go about this in a way that is as honest, as compassionate, and as caring as possible while remaining entirely authentic.

And the 5-years celibate streak continues!

@@Smye Thats a tricky one letting someone down easy ...I hope that goes well for you, she might understand and she might not. I agree,children are always the first priority so there's no time to wait it out. My girls are very smart and retain a lot of their surroundings, so you are right to want your son around someone that is emotionally stable. You will get to where you need and want to be. I personally feel the actress would be a good start. Friendship that is. That's the best way to start!!

Edited March 18, 201610 yr by lachellove

Get out. Now. Right now.

Moving forward, DO NOT and I repeat, DOOOO NOTTTT have any exclusive relationships right now. I'm with my 'better half' nearly a year and we've only mentioned the 'L' word to make sure neither of us are using it. Believe me..it works for us, and likely many others as well. Point is, you seem like a very intelligent man based on the posts I've read. This is not the time for your little head to be making decisions. Use the head between your shoulders and not between your legs. You can't be in love with anyone after 6 weeks of dating. You are in lust. And now the lust is gone because you are seeing the red flags.

Tell her whatever you need to in order to end it. She'll hate you no matter what you say and you know it. Just man up and do it.

Here's the deal -- the goal isn't to make her adore you after you end the relationship.

The goal is to end the relationship.

Don't stay anywhere too long with someone who can't even take care of her own issues. As far as the actress goes, she's told you she's not interested in the long run. She disappeared, and now she's back to using you in order to regain her confidence (most likely after someone broke up with her). I, myself, am guilty of that in the past. String along a man that's interested so you can feel good about yourself, even though he's not what you want and know it.

There are PLENTY of fish in the sea, and it's time to go fishing again. Stop looking at the old fish in the freezer you already caught.

Dating shouldn't be so serious. It should be fun, and exciting. So if you're over the woman who clearly needs you more than you want her... Find someone who's fun and wants to rip your clothes off!

1.5 months is nothing... people don't even start to reveal their whole nature until well after that.

The kids aside, the anxiety attacks aside, I would consider the premature discussion of your future as a major red flag. It is less likely to be love, more likely to be neediness.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I337 using the BariatricPal App

@@gowalking - Thanks for your passion. To be clear - I like The Cartographer, I've avoided the L word (with her, if not internally) and well... we've not slept together, kissed on two occasions, and held hands - not quite sure that counts as 'in lust' or thinking with the 'head between my legs,' but thanks for your support.

Edited March 18, 201610 yr by Smye

@@VSGAnn2014 - agreed, though I do have the cooccuring goal of being kind and compassionate while remaining authentic.

@@cookarue - HA! Thanks. As for ripping my clothes off - we'll see. The ones who've wanted to do that have been either insufficiently intelligent or else just plain crazy - but hopefully. As for the Actress - what did I miss in terms of 'not interested in the long run?'

@@CowgirlJane - Agreed on all counts - excepting the 'kid aside' part

Edited March 18, 201610 yr by Smye

@@gowalking - Thanks for your passion. To be clear - I like The Cartographer, I've avoided the L word (with her, if not internally) and well... we've not slept together, kissed on two occasions, and held hands - not quite sure that counts as 'in lust' or thinking with the 'head between my legs,' but thanks for your support.

Sorry if I came on too strong...I just see bad things happening with this lady and wanted to make sure I got your attention.