Hi All,

I know this is a little (or a lot) out of the ordinary for this site, but you all have been a huge support on my WLS journey so far and, well, I need an outlet and some support. I'm not looking for advice or condemnation of my wife, just support and listening ears, and maybe a bridge if anyone on here has gone through something similar. It's a bit of a long story, so thanks for reading.

I met my wife in kindergarten - by the end of September, I'd already proposed. Curiously, she said no. I tried again in December, again, she said no. In all, I think I proposed to her 8 times before we had finished second grade, I asked her out throughout middle and high school, and then, during her senior year of college, after having been best friends for most of our lives, she finally said yes. My dreams came true.

Our marriage has been wonderful, she always has been and always will be my best friend. But sex was never particularly satisfying - I loved it, but knew she wasn't getting much out of it and wasn't attracted to me sexually. It was hard, but our relationship was well worth it. She wasn't gay, we thought, she may not have been attracted to me, but she wasn't attracted physically to anyone. Maybe she was asexual.

Two months ago, we decided together she should pursue counselling to help her work through her own sexuality, to help her know if she was asexual, or repressing her sexuality as the result of some childhood trauma that I won't get into, or something else altogether. We put all sex and physical intimacy on hold to give her the space to go through her process. It was hard, sex is very important to me, but worth it. I never really imagined that what happened last night would come.

Last night she said she wanted to give me an update on her process. "Smye," she said. "I wanted to let you know that in the last few weeks I've felt some stirrings of sexual attraction for the first time and it's scared me really badly. But it's absolutely been happening."

HELL YES, I thought. FINALLY!

Then came the bomb. "And I want you to know, Smye, it's only been towards women. I'm not going to put a label on it yet, I'd give anything to have attraction to you, and maybe I still will. But so far I'm only attracted to women."

S***, S***, S***. I love her, she's still my best friend. And I'm thankful as hell that there's no affair going on to deal with.

I wouldn't trade the 7 years we've had as man and wife so far for anything. And I know she still loves me as much as ever. But it hurts like hell, I don't have a clue what's next, but the research I've (perhaps foolishly done) suggests that only 1/6 of mixed-orientation marriages survive more than 2 years after disclosure. I don't want to lose my wife, I don't want to lose my best friend. But, even if magically she wakes up tomorrow and is attracted to me as the one man she finds attractive, the marriage I thought I had is dead. No matter what happens, I know I need to grieve that.

And I've reached out to the straight spouse network. But while I'm waiting to hear back, having no clue what's next or how I'll even survive the next 10 minutes, I know I need to tell someone and come out of my own closet, so to speak. Has anyone else here been through something similar? Or do you have words of support? I do NOT want "it's god's will" or "it'll be okay" or "it all happens for a reason" etc, nor condemnation of my wife, my marriage, etc. I trust her implicitly, know that this blindsided her as much as it did me, and know too that our marriage was/is based on an incredible friendship that still exists. So don't go hating.

Neither do I want advice. I don't have a clue what it is I'm asking for exactly, but I hurt like hell, I'm terrified, and I know I ought to reach out to keep myself sane. Thanks!

EDIT - PLEASE READ BEFORE REPLYING:

To everyone, thank you again for your support! This is still very much a work in progress and I will be keeping everyone here up to date - for my own therapy if nothing else. A quick note though before lending me your love and support (unless you just want to say 'I hear you, I love you, here are some digital hugs, and take care/let us know if you need anything' - then go for it.)

I HIGHLY recommend you read the entire thread before posting yourself, I know how therapeutic this has been for me. I've received several PM's from folks about how your responses have helped them and/or given them grace for a loved one they didn't previously understand and even one from a person who is considering whether or not to come out to his/her partner him/her-self. And there's also the selfish reason I'd like you to read it all first - the few responses I've gotten that have felt more hateful towards Mrs. Smye and, despite the authors' intentions, hateful towards me and my choices as a result could, I think, have been prevented had the author had the entire up-to-date picture.

Edited August 26, 201510 yr by Smye

@@gowalking, no worries, I wasn't kidding when I said 'thanks.' And you definitely got it

I'm particularly wary of hurting myself, my kid, or potential partners, so I, like you, am constantly shouting at myself internally to 'think with your brain, not the other head,' I appreciate it.

Smye the actress pulled a disappearing act on you, correct? Then after a time, she came up and said, let's just be friends. As you've posted before, you're looking for more of a relationship than a friendship. Also, you're sexually attracted to her (I assume), so you, yourself aren't necessarily going out just to hang out with a buddy. More than likely, your hopes are that she'll decide after a time, to take you into consideration. If she wanted to take a leap into dating you, she'd have kept dating you from the get-go. Or at very least kept in contact with you. Women who put off a man aren't interested in that man. Therefore my assumption is that she's using your attraction to gain attention that she's lacking from men recently, in order to boost her confidence. Not that she's changing her mind and wants to date you seriously.

I don't mean to sound harsh, and I know you've been through a lot. So, I hate to notice something and not make mention of it. I don't want you looking at this situation with the actress through rose colored glasses. From a bystander point of view, I'd be very wary of her intentions. Also, I think your time would be better spent on meeting women who don't blow you off.

As far as meeting women who want to rip your clothes off, and tantalize your brain - it's going to be hard. There aren't many people who make good matches or are on the same level as you will be. Hence, the moving on to the next woman, and the next, until you find a better match that's as interested in you, as you are her. It will happen. But you can't spend your time with the wrong woman, if you're looking to meet the right woman.

Sorry for the long, possibly unwanted, post. Lol.

@@cookarue, she didn't quite pull a disappearing act - I was too flippant when I referred to it as 'ghosting' previously. Though perhaps I'm being naive in choosing to believe her words. Our exchange back when we last met went as follows:

"Hey Smye,

So.. I think I need to cancel our get together next Sunday. I’ve decided that I need to pull back from OkCupid and further dates for now. unsure emoticon I had a couple other dates last week that got emotionally intense, which was very confusing and somewhat upsetting for me since I feel like I’m still very early in the process. I’ve been thinking about it for the last few days and I believe it would be a good idea for me to take a step back and reassess what exactly it is I’m looking for.

I hope you can understand, and I am sorry- I’ve really, truly enjoyed the couple dates we’ve had and was looking forward to the next one, but I think ultimately I’m just not in a very solid place to be dating right now, and that’s not a good way to step into dating. I believe that when the foundation isn’t healthy, someone will likely eventually end up getting hurt because old baggage will creep in and do damage to any new relationship. I’m seeing some things in myself that definitely need to be sorted out before I get to that healthy place.

If you’re open to me contacting you sometime in the not-so-distant future when I feel like I’m on more solid footing, I would love to keep that possibility open, but if not I will of course respect that as well. I’ve enjoyed getting to know you as much as I have so far, and I feel regretful that the timing just isn’t right right now to continue to do so.

Thanks, Actress"

"Hi Actress,

Thank you for your message. I so appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable and authentic in your process and will absolutely respect your needs here. I admire your commitment to self care and making sure you remain healthy through this process.

To be certain, I'm disappointed. I like you a great deal and am hopeful for the opportunity to continue to get to know you. I understand entirely needing to be in a healthy, independent place prior to diving into a relationship ill-equipped. I wish you the best in getting yourself into a place that you're ready and interested in pursuing a relationship.

In the meantime, if it's not a poor choice on your part, I'd love to keep in touch as friends, then possibly pursue more when/if you're ready assuming both of us are on board. Or, if it's healthier/more supportive for you to go radio-silent for a time, I'd love to hear from you when you feel like you're on more solid footing to see about exploring a possible relationship at that time.

As mentioned previously, I'm in no particular hurry & I wasn't kidding when I said that time with you, by all measures thus far, is well worth waiting for - be it as only friends or someday more.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend with your mother and her partner.

Take care, and let me know if there is any support I can provide.

Smye"

"Hi Smye,

Sorry for not responding to your message right away. I really appreciate your understanding and for being so supportive of my need to take a step back. Honestly, I just got to a place last week where I realized my emotions are still just not sorted through properly, and that I’ve been seeking distraction from dealing with some of the hard things that I need to sit with and deal with over a period of time.

I think maybe for the moment I’d like to go radio silent to get some space and take stock of things, but I am not at all opposed to being friends and picking up getting to know each other when some time has passed and I feel like I’m in a better spot to do that. Would that be okay? I really do enjoy spending time with you, too.

So… I guess I’ll be in touch, then? And until then I hope all things for you go well, and your school and with Atticus and otherwise, and I look forward to catching up again before too long.

The Actress"

"Good afternoon Actress,

Radio silence it is. Congratulations on your realization and determination to keep yourself healthy.

I look forward to reconnecting at some point, but please take as long as you need. And if I never her back from you, sure I'll be disappointed but will not resent you, instead trusting that it's in your best interest.

Take care, I wish you the best, and thank you for the time together we've had thus far. You have my profound respect.

Smye"

Through the creepy magic that is Facebook, I happen to know that she spent the intervening months seeking counseling to help her get to a place where she was healthy to pursue other relationships. So far as I know, she's not said "let's only be friends" but rather "let's just be friends for now, no guarantees" which, to be honest, is precisely what I'm looking for. Friends first (though yes, she is gorgeous), then more if it works.

Thanks again for your support by the way - your post is in no way unwanted or harsh. And in no way will I exclusively date this 'friend' until and unless we're sure we want to exclusively date.

Now off to actually break things off with The Cartographer - this is going to hurt. A lot.

I'm sorry this will be painful, but it'll be worth it. As most painful things tend to be. Keep us posted. Best of luck!

@@Smye dump her fast. As soon as possible.

Do not try to work this out. Also, seriously. Your therapist is a quack. You should be alone for a while and find yourself instead of jumping from marriage to something else.

Try dating yourself for a while. It is indulgent and will get you in the right head space so you can find crazy easier.

Seriously though, take a break from dating.

Human sexuality is not a stale dead thing, some people aren't fully aware of their preferences and their attractions change and grow thru life. Personally as a bisexual woman, my attraction to either sex has fluctuated over the years, so idk it may not mean her feelings will never service. I would choose a very loving open relationship over a divorce to my life partner.

I expressed myself as a hypersexed individual who enthusiastically jumped into sexual activity hoping for some sort of sexual attraction/satisfaction. My "fake it till you make it" was short lived & very very rarely fee attraction to either sex. I am curious if weightloss hormone changes will effect this.

I wish you nothing but love!

Everyone has different relationships

If you were happy before she trusted you with the news you asked for, don't jump ship.

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

Hey @@Smye how did the break up go?? I know it wasn't easy .. It's always going to be easier said then done. Some people will never understand that. Anywho, I hope it went as well as to be expected.

@@cookarue - Thank you!

@@OutsideMatchInside - Done. Also, please don't judge my therapist. My process may not match your own, but derogatory language makes it difficult for me to have grace for myself and give myself permission to make mistakes, learn from them, and grow.

@@princessprotein - Agreed on some points. Disagreed on others. Are you referring to Mrs. Smye? If so, SHE wants the marriage to end, and I'm choosing to respect that. Please read the entire thread prior to responding.

@@lachellove - It went... as to the quality of the going - I'm not sure how to measure it. This is my first dating relationship and my first breakup ever (at 27). There were a lot of tears on both ends, she kept asking "what could I have done differently? But don't worry, I won't try to change myself for you" and I kept choosing not to go there - I trust her intent, but not that she wouldn't carry my potential words around with her as a 'recipe' for 'fixing' herself. She insists she wants to be besties - I'm open to the idea, but insisting on a break first so we're starting from as close to scratch as possible and so she can let the emotional dust settle a bit and make an authentic, fully informed decision as to how she wants to move forward rather than just the "DONT LEAVE, I"LL DO ANYTHING" vibe I got yesterday.

And now, today, I feel like a total jerk. Cognitively I know that's not rational, but emotionally it's where I'm at. More soon in terms of my internal processing, updates on Mrs. Smye and on Little Smye.

@@Smye it sounds like it went as good as it could have. Good for the both of you. Yes,I agree let time pass before taking her up on her offer.. To soon to become besties

@@Smye I'm sorry if my language upset you. Married people dating really grates on my nerves. I will stay put of your threads in the future.

@@lachellove - agreed and thanks for the support

@@OutsideMatchInside - oh no, you're fine. I was just stating my needs and my reality. I appreciate the supportive intent to no end.

Are you going to let a few days go by before taking the "ACTRESS" up on her offer to catch up? This is such a interesting thread I might add, my question pop up out of no where!!!

@@lachellove - oh yes. And when I do take her up on it, thankfully, she's very clear about wanting to start 'as friends.' And I'm glad it's interesting - it wasn't the original purpose, but it's certainly perk.

All - feel free to ask any question any time - I am comfortable saying I'm not comfortable going there

Also - Recently I've veered away from discussion of my own internal processes towards a synopsis of my actions and pursuit of new relationships. And although I will absolutely keep you all updated on The Cartographer, The Actress, Trivia night, boardgames, mushroom cultivation, etc., I want to take a moment to reflect on and hate some of the larger impacts this whole endeavor is having on my person.

Continue reading - I think you might get a good chuckle... or else a sob. Highlights include urine, narcolepsy, and elections to city council.

And yes, the dates are wrong - on purpose and to protect the privacy of those involved.

Edited March 19, 201610 yr by Smye

I'm new to this site (iPhone app) so I actually thought I had read the thread fully. No need to be rude lol

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App