Hi All,

I know this is a little (or a lot) out of the ordinary for this site, but you all have been a huge support on my WLS journey so far and, well, I need an outlet and some support. I'm not looking for advice or condemnation of my wife, just support and listening ears, and maybe a bridge if anyone on here has gone through something similar. It's a bit of a long story, so thanks for reading.

I met my wife in kindergarten - by the end of September, I'd already proposed. Curiously, she said no. I tried again in December, again, she said no. In all, I think I proposed to her 8 times before we had finished second grade, I asked her out throughout middle and high school, and then, during her senior year of college, after having been best friends for most of our lives, she finally said yes. My dreams came true.

Our marriage has been wonderful, she always has been and always will be my best friend. But sex was never particularly satisfying - I loved it, but knew she wasn't getting much out of it and wasn't attracted to me sexually. It was hard, but our relationship was well worth it. She wasn't gay, we thought, she may not have been attracted to me, but she wasn't attracted physically to anyone. Maybe she was asexual.

Two months ago, we decided together she should pursue counselling to help her work through her own sexuality, to help her know if she was asexual, or repressing her sexuality as the result of some childhood trauma that I won't get into, or something else altogether. We put all sex and physical intimacy on hold to give her the space to go through her process. It was hard, sex is very important to me, but worth it. I never really imagined that what happened last night would come.

Last night she said she wanted to give me an update on her process. "Smye," she said. "I wanted to let you know that in the last few weeks I've felt some stirrings of sexual attraction for the first time and it's scared me really badly. But it's absolutely been happening."

HELL YES, I thought. FINALLY!

Then came the bomb. "And I want you to know, Smye, it's only been towards women. I'm not going to put a label on it yet, I'd give anything to have attraction to you, and maybe I still will. But so far I'm only attracted to women."

S***, S***, S***. I love her, she's still my best friend. And I'm thankful as hell that there's no affair going on to deal with.

I wouldn't trade the 7 years we've had as man and wife so far for anything. And I know she still loves me as much as ever. But it hurts like hell, I don't have a clue what's next, but the research I've (perhaps foolishly done) suggests that only 1/6 of mixed-orientation marriages survive more than 2 years after disclosure. I don't want to lose my wife, I don't want to lose my best friend. But, even if magically she wakes up tomorrow and is attracted to me as the one man she finds attractive, the marriage I thought I had is dead. No matter what happens, I know I need to grieve that.

And I've reached out to the straight spouse network. But while I'm waiting to hear back, having no clue what's next or how I'll even survive the next 10 minutes, I know I need to tell someone and come out of my own closet, so to speak. Has anyone else here been through something similar? Or do you have words of support? I do NOT want "it's god's will" or "it'll be okay" or "it all happens for a reason" etc, nor condemnation of my wife, my marriage, etc. I trust her implicitly, know that this blindsided her as much as it did me, and know too that our marriage was/is based on an incredible friendship that still exists. So don't go hating.

Neither do I want advice. I don't have a clue what it is I'm asking for exactly, but I hurt like hell, I'm terrified, and I know I ought to reach out to keep myself sane. Thanks!

EDIT - PLEASE READ BEFORE REPLYING:

To everyone, thank you again for your support! This is still very much a work in progress and I will be keeping everyone here up to date - for my own therapy if nothing else. A quick note though before lending me your love and support (unless you just want to say 'I hear you, I love you, here are some digital hugs, and take care/let us know if you need anything' - then go for it.)

I HIGHLY recommend you read the entire thread before posting yourself, I know how therapeutic this has been for me. I've received several PM's from folks about how your responses have helped them and/or given them grace for a loved one they didn't previously understand and even one from a person who is considering whether or not to come out to his/her partner him/her-self. And there's also the selfish reason I'd like you to read it all first - the few responses I've gotten that have felt more hateful towards Mrs. Smye and, despite the authors' intentions, hateful towards me and my choices as a result could, I think, have been prevented had the author had the entire up-to-date picture.

Edited August 26, 201510 yr by Smye

@@princessprotein, my apologies if you felt my reply was rude - that was not remotely my intent. You may find this to be easier to read.

@@Smye I respect that. I hope you find all the answers and happiness. I want to say that the interest comes solely from seeing you graciously accept Mrs. Smye and her decisions and work through this time with her, And not leave her to be hurt and alone. And also to see you persevere and pick your self up and get back out there and try to find companionship whether it's a friend or more. I've been here since the very beginning since the thread was started and can't wait until you all find your happy endings ..

Edited March 19, 201610 yr by lachellove

@@lachellove - thank you, your support and just to be heard is incredibly welcome and helpful.

Breakup Broken - here.

Great job on your weight loss journey.

That been said, I find that I am reading your posts like I used to watch soap operas when I was home recuperating from spinal surgery--I hated myself for watching them, but watch them I did--every day.

I keep waiting for you to wake up from a coma, find out that everything in the few months have been a dream and now you have amnesia!

I hope you find happiness in your life--soon. You're far too young to have such drama on an ongoing basis.

Best wishes on your WLS journey.

@@Valentina - you have no idea how nice that would be. If you'd like to drive cross country and hit me over the head - i mean, if that actually works and everything reset - please feel free!

And thank you.

Edited March 19, 201610 yr by Smye

Hello!! How has things been going?

@@lachellove, thank you for checking in. That small gesture of support means the world. In brief - yes I am well. The Cartographer and I continue to be in contact with strict parameters, the Actress and I are spending time together as friends and I am on something of a dating hiatus. I'll be posting a more thorough update once I get this budget submitted to the board - yay for having a real job alongside everything else

@@lachellove, thank you for checking in. That small gesture of support means the world. In brief - yes I am well. The Cartographer and I continue to be in contact with strict parameters, the Actress and I are spending time together as friends and I am on something of a dating hiatus. I'll be posting a more thorough update once I get this budget submitted to the board - yay for having a real job alongside everything else

Glad to hear everything is calm! Yes a nice healthy break from dating seems refreshing no stress just fun. Yay! Real jobs rock. Keeps you busy ..

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

@@lachellove, thanks Lachelle.

Quick update: Budget submitted, so I should have a more thorough update sometime tomorrow. In short:

The Cartographer and I are still getting on as friends, so far so good?

The Actress ROCKS, is currently committed to at least 2 years without a romance and it's lovely to have another friend in my life.

On Sunday my friend The Gourmand and I will be making hundreds of sushi (maki, nigiri, gunkan, and sashimi) in a dry run of our work for AllRecipes. Should be a great time!

Okay, nevermind, this is the longform update:

This last week we had a real estate agent friend out to advise us on how to go about converting the house to a duplex by adding a central interior wall (cost estimate, impact on resale, etc etc). Long story short, her advice was DO NOT DO IT! We've got (apparently) somewhere between $200k and $250k in equity in the house (hooray for buying in late 2011 and it being an election year approaching summer) and, in her work over the last 30 years, she's helped a number of clients (which we are not) through similar divorces (one spouse realizes they are gay and it's amicable) and only once has living on the same property survived beyond the acquisition of a new partner.

Additionally, the preschools and elementary schools that provide appropriate services for Little Smye are all out of the district we live in now. Her advice is: Sell the house this summer, use the profits to 1) give Mrs. Smye a large chunk of $ to survive on while she sets up her practice/downpayment on a small house for her/Little Smye 2) give myself a smaller chunk (only $80k) to completely zero out all student loans 3) reduce myself spousal support by way of the larger share of profits going to Mrs. Smye at the outset 4) Provide myself a larger portion of his income to be able to rent for a short while near to work and build a stockpile to buy again when the market next drops 5) provide Little Smye a stable, single move, landing in a near-forever home.

It's utterly heartbreaking, but admittedly seems to be the most reasonable solution. I don't want to give up my home, but I can't afford to support my own mortgage, a household for Mrs. Smye once she moves out, AND make my student loan payments. And if Mrs. Smye is going to move westward towards better schools for Little Smye , I want to be near to them.

My biggest anxiety (other than losing my wife [oh wait, that's already done] and not living with my son most of the time [in his best interest based on the careers of his parents]) is the financial aspect of all of this. Mrs. Smye took a low paying job and I acquired $80k in student loans in order to maximize our family's long-term earning potential, but with the divorce it leaves us both effectively screwed... except that we've got such equity in the house that we can effectively solve both problems (giving her enough of a cushion to live off of until she finishes her licensure and eliminating all of my student debt).

We've not made any decisions at this point, but it's looking like we'll likely aim for a deal to be reached mid-end of spring with closing in early July (I have July off, which would allow for crashing on Mrs. Smye's couch while I hunt for a new home once we have her securely placed). We'll also likely stay married until after the house is sold as there are no capital gains taxes on up to $500k if we're married, but $250k if we're divorced. We'll then see about doing one of those 'self-guided divorce' deals for $800 rather than the $8-20k attorney-guided divorces.

@@lachellove, thanks Lachelle.

Quick update: Budget submitted, so I should have a more thorough update sometime tomorrow. In short:

The Cartographer and I are still getting on as friends, so far so good?

The Actress ROCKS, is currently committed to at least 2 years without a romance and it's lovely to have another friend in my life.

On Sunday my friend The Gourmand and I will be making hundreds of sushi (maki, nigiri, gunkan, and sashimi) in a dry run of our work for AllRecipes. Should be a great time!

Okay, nevermind, this is the longform update:

This last week we had a real estate agent friend out to advise us on how to go about converting the house to a duplex by adding a central interior wall (cost estimate, impact on resale, etc etc). Long story short, her advice was DO NOT DO IT! We've got (apparently) somewhere between $200k and $250k in equity in the house (hooray for buying in late 2011 and it being an election year approaching summer) and, in her work over the last 30 years, she's helped a number of clients (which we are not) through similar divorces (one spouse realizes they are gay and it's amicable) and only once has living on the same property survived beyond the acquisition of a new partner.

Additionally, the preschools and elementary schools that provide appropriate services for Little Smye are all out of the district we live in now. Her advice is: Sell the house this summer, use the profits to 1) give Mrs. Smye a large chunk of $ to survive on while she sets up her practice/downpayment on a small house for her/Little Smye 2) give myself a smaller chunk (only $80k) to completely zero out all student loans 3) reduce myself spousal support by way of the larger share of profits going to Mrs. Smye at the outset 4) Provide myself a larger portion of his income to be able to rent for a short while near to work and build a stockpile to buy again when the market next drops 5) provide Little Smye a stable, single move, landing in a near-forever home.

It's utterly heartbreaking, but admittedly seems to be the most reasonable solution. I don't want to give up my home, but I can't afford to support my own mortgage, a household for Mrs. Smye once she moves out, AND make my student loan payments. And if Mrs. Smye is going to move westward towards better schools for Little Smye , I want to be near to them.

My biggest anxiety (other than losing my wife [oh wait, that's already done] and not living with my son most of the time [in his best interest based on the careers of his parents]) is the financial aspect of all of this. Mrs. Smye took a low paying job and I acquired $80k in student loans in order to maximize our family's long-term earning potential, but with the divorce it leaves us both effectively screwed... except that we've got such equity in the house that we can effectively solve both problems (giving her enough of a cushion to live off of until she finishes her licensure and eliminating all of my student debt).

We've not made any decisions at this point, but it's looking like we'll likely aim for a deal to be reached mid-end of spring with closing in early July (I have July off, which would allow for crashing on Mrs. Smye's couch while I hunt for a new home once we have her securely placed). We'll also likely stay married until after the house is sold as there are no capital gains taxes on up to $500k if we're married, but $250k if we're divorced. We'll then see about doing one of those 'self-guided divorce' deals for $800 rather than the $8-20k attorney-guided divorces.

Oh my. What a update. Taking a deal that benefits you both seems like the right thing to do. I know you guys will make a decision that is best for or all of you. This has to be a lot to take on right now. Glad everything is working out with you and the cartographer are doing well. I commend the actress for being on a romance hiatus.. That is a very wise thing to do. It will help in the long run. The divorce is coming. Seems surreal.

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How is the sleepwalking? I had that happen while going through a divorce scenario, it was actually night terrors. Was pretty intense for several years. Thank goodness that has stopped.

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@@lachellove - thanks. It's a bit of a headtrip, to be sure, but I agree, I think it's in everyone's best interest.

@@SassyNanny - I thought it had stopped, then I asked Mrs. Smye and nope, every night, roughly at 2 am, she hears me mumbling and pacing in my room, there's a loud crash every few nights. I woke up this morning with my jeans on. But I've absolutely zero recollection of any of it. Bizarre.

@@lachellove - thanks. It's a bit of a headtrip, to be sure, but I agree, I think it's in everyone's best interest.

@@SassyNanny - I thought it had stopped, then I asked Mrs. Smye and nope, every night, roughly at 2 am, she hears me mumbling and pacing in my room, there's a loud crash every few nights. I woke up this morning with my jeans on. But I've absolutely zero recollection of any of it. Bizarre.

Sorry to hear that it is still happening. Mine started decades ago and at that time medications for stress were not very advanced. I would have panic driven episodes that included active dreams of having the oxygen sucked out of the room and breaking out windows with my bare fists to "save us". My estranged husband was living with my little daughter and me at the time. I did it again at a friends house and broken glass fell into their pool. I was so lucky I wasn't hurt either time. My perception of it in retrospect was that what seemed like rational coping at the time was really not healthy. I needed to get mad and wash that man right out my hair.

Just saw this and thought it might help:

https://www.facebook.com/hayhouse/posts/10154096372258259

Edited April 3, 201610 yr by SassyNanny