Smye

@@lachellove, @@SassyNanny, thank you! Updates galore: http://gaywifeconfusinglife.blogspot.com/2016/06/the-set-up.html

Oh what the heck... let's Celebrate this new phase in my life with, what else, BACON!

Oh, and while I'm here. pizza Pinwheels everybody!

Selling the farm - a SERIOUS mix of dread and hope... Anyway, the full update is here: http://bit.do/sellthefarm

Selling the farm, but don't worry, I'll keep writing delicious bariatric friendly foods. Also... I keep hearing rumors of a cookbook coming soon... Anyway, the full update is here: http://bit.do/farmsale

And a-one: http://gaywifeconfusinglife.blogspot.com/2016/04/a-change-is-gonna-come.html And a-two: http://gaywifeconfusinglife.blogspot.com/2016/04/maps-20.html

@@SassyNanny, nope: https://genesight.com/

@@SassyNanny - I'm so thankful you weren't seriously hurt, that's terrifying. Mine appears to be less about a subconscious need to be mad or anything, and more an (apparently) typical PTSD symptom as someone who experienced significant childhood trauma and is now experiencing re-abandonment. According to my psych it 'happens all the time.' Not exactly comforting. We also just sent a genetic sample to an org that will run a screen for my compatibility with various psycho-tropic meds, grouping them into 'red, yellow, and green' categories so I can get something onboard to help with the anxiety/depression.

@@lachellove - thanks. It's a bit of a headtrip, to be sure, but I agree, I think it's in everyone's best interest. @@SassyNanny - I thought it had stopped, then I asked Mrs. Smye and nope, every night, roughly at 2 am, she hears me mumbling and pacing in my room, there's a loud crash every few nights. I woke up this morning with my jeans on. But I've absolutely zero recollection of any of it. Bizarre.

@@lachellove, thanks Lachelle. Quick update: Budget submitted, so I should have a more thorough update sometime tomorrow. In short: The Cartographer and I are still getting on as friends, so far so good? The Actress ROCKS, is currently committed to at least 2 years without a romance and it's lovely to have another friend in my life. On Sunday my friend The Gourmand and I will be making hundreds of sushi (maki, nigiri, gunkan, and sashimi) in a dry run of our work for AllRecipes. Should be a great time! Okay, nevermind, this is the longform update: This last week we had a real estate agent friend out to advise us on how to go about converting the house to a duplex by adding a central interior wall (cost estimate, impact on resale, etc etc). Long story short, her advice was DO NOT DO IT! We've got (apparently) somewhere between $200k and $250k in equity in the house (hooray for buying in late 2011 and it being an election year approaching summer) and, in her work over the last 30 years, she's helped a number of clients (which we are not) through similar divorces (one spouse realizes they are gay and it's amicable) and only once has living on the same property survived beyond the acquisition of a new partner. Additionally, the preschools and elementary schools that provide appropriate services for Little Smye are all out of the district we live in now. Her advice is: Sell the house this summer, use the profits to 1) give Mrs. Smye a large chunk of $ to survive on while she sets up her practice/downpayment on a small house for her/Little Smye 2) give myself a smaller chunk (only $80k) to completely zero out all student loans 3) reduce myself spousal support by way of the larger share of profits going to Mrs. Smye at the outset 4) Provide myself a larger portion of his income to be able to rent for a short while near to work and build a stockpile to buy again when the market next drops 5) provide Little Smye a stable, single move, landing in a near-forever home. It's utterly heartbreaking, but admittedly seems to be the most reasonable solution. I don't want to give up my home, but I can't afford to support my own mortgage, a household for Mrs. Smye once she moves out, AND make my student loan payments. And if Mrs. Smye is going to move westward towards better schools for Little Smye , I want to be near to them. My biggest anxiety (other than losing my wife [oh wait, that's already done] and not living with my son most of the time [in his best interest based on the careers of his parents]) is the financial aspect of all of this. Mrs. Smye took a low paying job and I acquired $80k in student loans in order to maximize our family's long-term earning potential, but with the divorce it leaves us both effectively screwed... except that we've got such equity in the house that we can effectively solve both problems (giving her enough of a cushion to live off of until she finishes her licensure and eliminating all of my student debt). We've not made any decisions at this point, but it's looking like we'll likely aim for a deal to be reached mid-end of spring with closing in early July (I have July off, which would allow for crashing on Mrs. Smye's couch while I hunt for a new home once we have her securely placed). We'll also likely stay married until after the house is sold as there are no capital gains taxes on up to $500k if we're married, but $250k if we're divorced. We'll then see about doing one of those 'self-guided divorce' deals for $800 rather than the $8-20k attorney-guided divorces.

@@woo woo - makes it amazing. To be more precise: The interior paste under the rind is creamy, clean and soft with tangy taste. The rind itself is the mildest sweetness of blue with the piquant flavor of a gorgonzola, but without the bitter ammonia oft associated with the ammonia. It's got that immediate blue tang, but without the blue-aftertaste, yielding to the grassy YUM of a chevre aftertaste. It's really quite delightful. Even folks who HATE the blue in my life tend to like it.

Welcome and congratulations!

I make a lot of my own cheese and sample just about anything I can get ahold of... Hands down my favorites are tallegio, as well as a blue-ripened chevre. If you don't want to order the blue log from a specialty dealer, find a log of standard chevre (goat cheese) and let me know and I can send you a 'how-to'... it's actually a piece of cake to make.

@@lachellove, thank you for checking in. That small gesture of support means the world. In brief - yes I am well. The Cartographer and I continue to be in contact with strict parameters, the Actress and I are spending time together as friends and I am on something of a dating hiatus. I'll be posting a more thorough update once I get this budget submitted to the board - yay for having a real job alongside everything else

@@Valentina - you have no idea how nice that would be. If you'd like to drive cross country and hit me over the head - i mean, if that actually works and everything reset - please feel free! And thank you.

Breakup Broken - here.

@@lachellove - thank you, your support and just to be heard is incredibly welcome and helpful.

@@princessprotein, my apologies if you felt my reply was rude - that was not remotely my intent. You may find this to be easier to read.

Also - Recently I've veered away from discussion of my own internal processes towards a synopsis of my actions and pursuit of new relationships. And although I will absolutely keep you all updated on The Cartographer, The Actress, Trivia night, boardgames, mushroom cultivation, etc., I want to take a moment to reflect on and hate some of the larger impacts this whole endeavor is having on my person. Continue reading - I think you might get a good chuckle... or else a sob. Highlights include urine, narcolepsy, and elections to city council. And yes, the dates are wrong - on purpose and to protect the privacy of those involved.

@@lachellove - oh yes. And when I do take her up on it, thankfully, she's very clear about wanting to start 'as friends.' And I'm glad it's interesting - it wasn't the original purpose, but it's certainly perk. All - feel free to ask any question any time - I am comfortable saying I'm not comfortable going there

@@lachellove - agreed and thanks for the support @@OutsideMatchInside - oh no, you're fine. I was just stating my needs and my reality. I appreciate the supportive intent to no end.

@@cookarue - Thank you! @@OutsideMatchInside - Done. Also, please don't judge my therapist. My process may not match your own, but derogatory language makes it difficult for me to have grace for myself and give myself permission to make mistakes, learn from them, and grow. @@princessprotein - Agreed on some points. Disagreed on others. Are you referring to Mrs. Smye? If so, SHE wants the marriage to end, and I'm choosing to respect that. Please read the entire thread prior to responding. @@lachellove - It went... as to the quality of the going - I'm not sure how to measure it. This is my first dating relationship and my first breakup ever (at 27). There were a lot of tears on both ends, she kept asking "what could I have done differently? But don't worry, I won't try to change myself for you" and I kept choosing not to go there - I trust her intent, but not that she wouldn't carry my potential words around with her as a 'recipe' for 'fixing' herself. She insists she wants to be besties - I'm open to the idea, but insisting on a break first so we're starting from as close to scratch as possible and so she can let the emotional dust settle a bit and make an authentic, fully informed decision as to how she wants to move forward rather than just the "DONT LEAVE, I"LL DO ANYTHING" vibe I got yesterday. And now, today, I feel like a total jerk. Cognitively I know that's not rational, but emotionally it's where I'm at. More soon in terms of my internal processing, updates on Mrs. Smye and on Little Smye.

@@cookarue, she didn't quite pull a disappearing act - I was too flippant when I referred to it as 'ghosting' previously. Though perhaps I'm being naive in choosing to believe her words. Our exchange back when we last met went as follows: "Hey Smye, So.. I think I need to cancel our get together next Sunday. I’ve decided that I need to pull back from OkCupid and further dates for now. unsure emoticon I had a couple other dates last week that got emotionally intense, which was very confusing and somewhat upsetting for me since I feel like I’m still very early in the process. I’ve been thinking about it for the last few days and I believe it would be a good idea for me to take a step back and reassess what exactly it is I’m looking for. I hope you can understand, and I am sorry- I’ve really, truly enjoyed the couple dates we’ve had and was looking forward to the next one, but I think ultimately I’m just not in a very solid place to be dating right now, and that’s not a good way to step into dating. I believe that when the foundation isn’t healthy, someone will likely eventually end up getting hurt because old baggage will creep in and do damage to any new relationship. I’m seeing some things in myself that definitely need to be sorted out before I get to that healthy place. If you’re open to me contacting you sometime in the not-so-distant future when I feel like I’m on more solid footing, I would love to keep that possibility open, but if not I will of course respect that as well. I’ve enjoyed getting to know you as much as I have so far, and I feel regretful that the timing just isn’t right right now to continue to do so. Thanks, Actress" "Hi Actress, Thank you for your message. I so appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable and authentic in your process and will absolutely respect your needs here. I admire your commitment to self care and making sure you remain healthy through this process. To be certain, I'm disappointed. I like you a great deal and am hopeful for the opportunity to continue to get to know you. I understand entirely needing to be in a healthy, independent place prior to diving into a relationship ill-equipped. I wish you the best in getting yourself into a place that you're ready and interested in pursuing a relationship. In the meantime, if it's not a poor choice on your part, I'd love to keep in touch as friends, then possibly pursue more when/if you're ready assuming both of us are on board. Or, if it's healthier/more supportive for you to go radio-silent for a time, I'd love to hear from you when you feel like you're on more solid footing to see about exploring a possible relationship at that time. As mentioned previously, I'm in no particular hurry & I wasn't kidding when I said that time with you, by all measures thus far, is well worth waiting for - be it as only friends or someday more. I hope you have a wonderful weekend with your mother and her partner. Take care, and let me know if there is any support I can provide. Smye" "Hi Smye, Sorry for not responding to your message right away. I really appreciate your understanding and for being so supportive of my need to take a step back. Honestly, I just got to a place last week where I realized my emotions are still just not sorted through properly, and that I’ve been seeking distraction from dealing with some of the hard things that I need to sit with and deal with over a period of time. I think maybe for the moment I’d like to go radio silent to get some space and take stock of things, but I am not at all opposed to being friends and picking up getting to know each other when some time has passed and I feel like I’m in a better spot to do that. Would that be okay? I really do enjoy spending time with you, too. So… I guess I’ll be in touch, then? And until then I hope all things for you go well, and your school and with Atticus and otherwise, and I look forward to catching up again before too long. The Actress" "Good afternoon Actress, Radio silence it is. Congratulations on your realization and determination to keep yourself healthy. I look forward to reconnecting at some point, but please take as long as you need. And if I never her back from you, sure I'll be disappointed but will not resent you, instead trusting that it's in your best interest. Take care, I wish you the best, and thank you for the time together we've had thus far. You have my profound respect. Smye" Through the creepy magic that is Facebook, I happen to know that she spent the intervening months seeking counseling to help her get to a place where she was healthy to pursue other relationships. So far as I know, she's not said "let's only be friends" but rather "let's just be friends for now, no guarantees" which, to be honest, is precisely what I'm looking for. Friends first (though yes, she is gorgeous), then more if it works. Thanks again for your support by the way - your post is in no way unwanted or harsh. And in no way will I exclusively date this 'friend' until and unless we're sure we want to exclusively date. Now off to actually break things off with The Cartographer - this is going to hurt. A lot.

@@gowalking, no worries, I wasn't kidding when I said 'thanks.' And you definitely got it I'm particularly wary of hurting myself, my kid, or potential partners, so I, like you, am constantly shouting at myself internally to 'think with your brain, not the other head,' I appreciate it.

In my first two weeks of online dating: 17 men have invited me to anonymous sexual encounters (if this is even a faint whiff of what women experience on these sites, I apologize on behalf of those of my gender who behave this way) 9 of the men I've contacted have responded with "And you're not looking for romance with me, right? Just friends?" (Yes, absolutely, definitely!) 7 folks have responded "You're 27 and a principal? How dreamy/fancy/ambitious/areyourich..." No, just no. 6 women I've contacted have responded with "yeah, I've gotten that 'my wife is gay' line before, not thanks, not looking for a hookup." (Neither am I. And really? Guys use that to get laid? Ew!) 5 of the folks I've contacted have been interested in long-term pen-palling (no problem there) 4 women have invited me to 'kink parties' (never been, not interested at this time) I've met up with 3 folks who seem like they'll make fine friends (I had a blast, I weirdly miss them already). 2 of the friend-types I've met up with have, on my ask for a second get-together, felt the need to insist "and it's only friends, right? Right? Right?" It's exciting, it's fun, it's mind-numbingly terrifying. Mostly, it confirms that I'm absolutely new at this and need practice. And that I love people. And how lonely it is to be 'the boss' at work, in such a public position of community leadership and functionally single - it basically eliminates 'fraternizing' with all of those I spend time with day to day, not to mention that fact that my colleagues are all 20-40 years my senior.