I am 39 years old and have been in a relationship with a narcissistic 50 year old who doesn’t work because he chooses to, for 7 years. He does always have dinner ready and the house clean when I get home from work. Our relationship isn’t on the best of terms and when we argue he calls me fat all the time. He feels like he’s right all the time, he puts others down, blames me for everything etc. This year my company switched insurances and now the surgery is covered!!! I’m so excited. But, I have a feeling this relationship will go from bad to worse when i lose the weight. He said he would be supportive but I don’t know. I’m to my wits end almost and thinking of kicking him out of my home that I own. He’s verbally abusive to me and does it in front of my kids, one of which is his. I don’t know if it’s my low self esteem that won’t let me do it or what!! I’m just afraid things will get worse for me after the surgery.

Sorry to be bearer of bad news, but yes, I think things will get worse, a whole lot worse. Please seek counselling for your low self esteem, you deserve much better than this and you should not be tolerating it.. Talk to someone (a lawyer perhaps) about a possible break up and what you need to do.

Please get counselling for your children, they need to know that his behaviour is not okay and it doesn't need to be tolerated in the home, at work or with friends.

It’s time to put you (& your children) first. If your partner is not supportive now he won’t be any time in the future. Abuse is not always physical & cooking dinner does not make up for his hurtful, harmful words. You obviously are not happy & as @Hop_Scotch said you deserve much better than this.

@hop_scotch and @arabesque, thank you for the kind words. I don’t know if right now I don’t have confidence or what. I just don’t feel like myself anymore since I’ve gained all this weight. You’re right, it’s time to put me and my children first.

The burst of confidence you get after your surgery may be the final push to exit this unhealthy relationship and start living the life you want. I don't think surgery ruins healthy relationships but it definitely can give people the final bit of gumption they need to leave an unhealthy one.

This guy sounds like a menace and you need to get out of there. Don't wait until it turns physical if it hasn't already.

I am so sorry that you are in this pickle. You will get a boost of confidence as soon as the weight starts to fall off and your surgery has healed. You will feel like a new woman. I always say plan ahead, get your ducks in a row. See a divorce lawyer, chat to the bank, etc. Do what you need to do incase this relationship fails. Use this man till your are through the surgery, he is using you.

With as much love and grace as I can muster, get him out now. If he is truly that bad, he will absolutely sabotage you, harbor resentment, and create so much angst and stress that you will be miserable. Verbal and emotional abuse IS ABUSE. You deserve to be happy, you deserve peace, your kids deserve to see you well.

like someone above said, the relationship itself may not get worse (although it COULD), but losing weight tends to give people more confidence and the realization that they have other choices and don't have to put up with the crap any more.

The weight loss won't just change you, it will change him too. He will likely see that you are losing weight and get insecure about your new found confidence. How he handles that insecurity is the wild card factor so to speak. Keep your head up and do what is best for you and your health, everything else will work out one way or another.

Not for nothing, but surgery or not, why? Why are you living with that? I can assure you there are better people out that would love you heavy or not. And if he is a d**k all the time, it won't make your journey easy. You need support to live a healthy lifestyle, so maybe shed the extra weight and person... JS ?

All of you are right. But why is is so hard to just DO IT!! I feel like some days i've had the courage to tell him to get out, but then i don't. I don't know if it's cause i feel bad for him or what....I just don't know. thank you guys for listening as i feel i can't talk to anyone about this. It's embarrassing that I won't do anything about it.

@tiffanyb12211 please do some soul-searching. There is a reason you are not taking what even you think is the obvious action. Ask yourself what you get out of the status-quo. You need to understand that you are changing the very status quo that somehow is making you feel secure in some way.

It seems apparent that professional therapeutic help is critical for you now. Please, get this help now before the status quo actually changes and things become critical and possibly more dangerous.

Take care of yourself and be careful. Perhaps if you deal with this horrible situation now you can help both of you to move to a more positive place.

Good luck,

Tek

Even good relationships can be tested after this kind of change. This is a life saving and life CHANGING surgery, and a lot of men can't handle that. My first husband was extremely abusive in EVERY way, and we have a son together. It was extremely difficult to leave. My current husband was a lot better for a long time, but after the surgery, that changed. He took good care of me for the first 2-3 weeks, then the snide remarks, being lazy, picking fights, and general assh**e behavior really began.

If you are the one who works, you have to remember that YOU are the one with the power here. I had to remind my husband of that a few times (he doesn't work, either. He also does the cooking and cleaning, and we have our daughter together). When he started getting particularly nasty, I reminded him that I pay the bills, I have the insurance, and I can hire someone to do the things he does around the house (I give him spending money because if i don't, he just takes it). I told him it would cost me about the same but without the aggravation and stress. After a few times, he realized I was serious and has started behaving a little better.

Maybe you can try that. Sometimes they need to know they don't hold as much power as they think they do. The longer you tolerate this treatment, the worse it will get. You have to teach em how to treat ya.

Dr. V says that the surgery will make good relationships better and bad relationships worse.

If your husband really has been diagnosed with narcissism (and you're not just using the fun catch phrase lots of people use these days), then I would suggest that you get away while you still can. All of those things that you don't like about him - now - are only going to be amplified. And if he is a narcissist, how do you think his behavior will change when he becomes insecure about you and the changes in your appearance? It's likely going to get real ugly - possibly dangerous for you.

@hop_scotch and@arabesque, thank you for the kind words. I don’t know if right now I don’t have confidence or what. I just don’t feel like myself anymore since I’ve gained all this weight. You’re right, it’s time to put me and my children first.

You are beautiful inside and out. I know how it feels to be emotional abuse by someone you're with that **** hurt. It's not good mentally, all I can say if he is going to "support you" through this journey take it for now and once you are healed let it be about you and those babies cause he's not worth it.

Drop him like you dropped this weight girl. You are on the path to starting a new life !!! Embrace that in every way. You’re getting healthy physically now comes mental healing ??