Okay, so I wanted to write this on my myspace blog, but Im sure that all my friends on there are sick and tired of hearing me obesess about my weight. I have a few scattered thoughts, see if you can follow them, I want to type and discuss them randomly.

First of all, I have a question......Why is it, that when you are the biggest person in the room, no one sees you or acknowledges you....Its just like being invisible, yet when you are thinner and have lost weight, everyone notices you. Suddenly you are noticed and seem to be glowing as opposed to being invisible. I am not understanding why you cant be treated like a normal person. Cant they not talk to you to your face and talk about your weight behind your back at the same time?? Hmmm something ponder...

Second of all, Why am I such a slow loser. I want to cry when I see how great you guys are doing, getting to eat all this stuff I cant, and losing 3 times as much weight as me....I want to wake up thin......I eat all I can during the day, yet it still isnt much.

Third, Things just dont seem to go my way often. I feel so unimportant most of the time, like my opinion and my thoughts do not matter. I get so pissed when I am discriminated against, I am not as much as I used to be, but I still deal with it evey now and then.

Fourth, Why are gay guys in love with me, but straight guys wont hit on me unless ofcourse they are 20 years older than me and/or very creepy. Yet I have a friend that looks like a MAN! Im serious, I thought she was in gender transition when I met her! She is a big girl (and I know she lies about her weight to me btw) and she gets hit on ALLLLLLL the time, gets cute guys, boyfriends. She doesnt put out easily or anything, I just dont get it. Shes overall a BITCH (pardon my language) yet she still gets the guys in the end, and all I am left with are the gay guys, whom I love SOOOOO MUCH, but they cant offer me what a real relationship will.

Also,

I feel like I cant trust anyone, I am still a very paraniod person. I always think people are talking about me behind my back. Even people whomk I consider friends, because I was burned so bad growing up by people I never would have thought would talk about me like that. They dont realize what is hurtful to others I suppose.

Another thing thats on my mind.....WHY DO BIG PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF OTHER BIG PEOPLE! We need to band together (no pun intended). I just dont understand how a very large person can judge someone else......

Also, I cant stand the F word (That is "fat" btw). I have been called that my entire life. I hate that word, I never use it to describe anyone or anything. I never have because it hurt me so bad growing up, but seems like lately people have been throwing it around like they dont care that I dont like it. There are certain words ppl I know do not like, therefore I do not use them around them, yet they do not have the courtesy towards me, I got a little upset about this the other night. If that word would have been used one more time, I would have left the party. Im sorry I will not put up with that word. period.

I am way too obsessed with losing weight. I need to lose about 60-70 more pounds before I am the size I want to be. I am still the big girl in all the groups I hang with, and I dont like that. I want to be the girl that guys single out to flaunt over, I want my skinny friends to feel the way I do most of the time (they are all gaining the freshman 15 lol)

Lastly, I need a fill doctor in Corpus Christi, my doctor is 7 hours away and refused to see me before I had to go back to school, therefore I am stranded with an empty band, and cravings. I dont eat a lot just really high calorie stuff, which I can control, but the band helps soooo much. I mean I paid $15,000 for this, I want to use it. I cant find any, I found one in San Antonio, but its $200 plus a tank of gas ($50) to go. If I go here it I want to pay about $100, which is what I was paying at Dr. Spiegels.

I dunno, I still have some sort of strange feeling inside of me right now, but I dunno what it is, so I may come back and edit this and add whatever it is later.....I know that I just had a another random thought. Why is it that the people who are just born lucky and do all the wrong things, still get everything they could ever want or need? When I feel like I am pretty, but I am big, so therefore I apparently have bad luck, have to struggle for anything I want and/or need. If you are born pretty, thin, and into at least a middle class or really upper-middle class family you are able to be considered PERFECT, anything you want...................I dunno I am just having really jealous feelings towards thin girls lately, like I just want to claw their eyes out........Especially when I see them eating pizza, chocolate, chips, and candy, Dr. Peppers like crazy....AHHHHHH makes me want to SCREAM!

Your first posts from around a month ago and your posts now are so very differnet that it feels more like covering up than lasting change. Seems like you're all over the place from one month to the next, and that's a hard road. Eveybody wishes you the best.

What will happen to the dog if it doesn't work out for you guys?

Just my two cents, I own a Louis Vuitton, ok I own 4, the cost of the cheapest one was $500, the average cost was $1500. I also have a few coach bags, same thing 500-1000 so if you have a LV or Coach bag, you can certainly afford counseling!

Good luck prioritizing your life!

Jodie;

You enemies will never tell you what you need to know, only your friends will take that chance.

You enemies will tell you what you want to hear.

Just my two cents, I own a Louis Vuitton, ok I own 4, the cost of the cheapest one was $500, the average cost was $1500. I also have a few coach bags, same thing 500-1000 so if you have a LV or Coach bag, you can certainly afford counseling!

Good luck prioritizing your life!

Jodie:

I so agree with the above statement! If you can afford all these expensive bags that cost $100 dollars or more( I am sure you have more than one of each) you can afford a once a week threapist session - who are you foolin!

At least go the school counseling center. Also call a few counselors they might have a sliding scale and let you pay what you can afford.

I know you say your on BC and use condoms, but all this sleeping around is only going to give you problems in the end! You will not admit it but, it is doing a job on your self esteem since these men do not really love you , they are using you.

Please have some self respect for yourself and your body !

* NOTICE ALL THE POST ON HERE - WE ARE ALL TOTAL STRANGERS WHO CARE ABOUT YOU --- START CARING ABOUT YOURSELF AND GET SOME HELP!

Lisa

Now that I'm the wise old age of 30...

It's easy to look back at my younger days and think, "Boy you REALLY had no idea..." But at the time, I really thought I did.

Oops, I lied, I was 31 two weks ago. Dammit!!!

Jody - honestly - every post you make sounds like it is full of so much pain. "I'm happy" just seems so empty when you look at what's creating that happiness. Part of me wants to tell you to live it because you will learn from it, and part of me wants to tell you that LV and Prada don't mean anything other than "I spent way too much money on this, hopefully it can make me feel better."

So I guess the two will cancel themselves out, and I'll say nothing. But like someone else posted - damn, I'm glad I'm not there anymore.

Are you all nuts? I dont buy all those expensive things for myself! I have rent to pay, upkeep on my cars, food, gas, school fees, tuition and so forth....If a guy can use me, why cant I use the guy??? Dont you guys understand that? Im using them just as well...I dont feel like Im messing up...my self-esteem has never been higher than it is right now and its not just the boys....Im getting hit on a lot more, I wear clothes that actually fit me well instead of too big, I feel like getting out of bed every day instead of just lying there.....Oh and its agreed that I get the dog if anything happens and we decide to split again, but one bad fight in 10 years isnt too bad of a record.....I like having a life....I like having a guy or guys I can talk about with all my friends....they all have someone, and I never have, even before I moved here, for a year I could never talk to my friends about guys because I didnt have one...now I have two.....Its not like they dont spend the night, or kick me out of their beds after its over, they actually want me to stay and we hang out and chill the next day, I will want to leave or whatever because I do understand a guy's mind a lot better than a chick's, thats why I dont have friends that are girls, they are too messy, guys could care less what you do in your personal life unless your killing yourself ofcourse. I just dont understand why I cant be like a guy with that sort of thing....oh and also its not like its different random guys either, Ive seen them more than once ever, and they talk to me outside of, yes I will say it, SEX.....and I keep it going, its not like a love em and leave em thing....PLUS Ive known these guys for a while now, I met the stripper in September and the bartender around October....theyve both been chasin me since then.

my self-esteem has never been higher than it is right now and its not just the boys....Im getting hit on a lot more

Seriously look at part of your statement above. You say it is not just the boys yet the very next thing you say is that you are getting hit on alot more. All of your post involove revolve being happy by such superficial things. It is what is inside that counts and all you are worried about is apperances. I might be fat, I may not not get hit on alot, and I may be unable to afford to carry around a prada purse but I would put anything on the line to bet that I am way happier with my life than you are with yours. You need to be happy with you first and from reading your posts it is obvious that inside you really aren't.

If getting used and using guys is what you consider a good life, then you'll really be thrilled if the world opens up to you having a great relationship someday...and love. It's worth getting the counseling so you can get to the next level. Meanwhile, the next time they want to give you a purse, ask for counseling instead. Sounds like some of them can foot the bill. See if they want you to dress up your insides as much as your outsides. Oh, never mind. You're not in a place to make that commitment at the moment. Er, how many cars?

lisalee: Please! It wasn't me who diagnosed Jodie with anything. Maybe it was another B person - betsyjane or somebody! I haven't yet completed my degree in armchair psychology! I have enough trouble with what I DO say at LBT - I don't need someone else's baggage (if you'll pardon the pun.)

If we have the most expensive purses, does it mean we win? I have some goodies!! Most of which are too heavy for me to enjoy carrying these days. Hisss.

Jodie: I've been where you are. Extreme highs and extreme lows. It comes with the territory of dating and being single and being young as far as I'm concerned. After I got married I was so depressed because everything very exciting stopped - dead. I saw a shrink and you know what she told me? She said that I was never going to be happy until I learned that I didn't need a man to make me happy. I thought she was insane herself. But many years later I finally get it. And I think it's what many of the folks here are trying to say - unless and until you learn how to love yourself and stop trying to prove how cool you are, you are not going to be happy.

The best tactic I've learned to try to do that (because I still think I need my man to be happy) is by listening to others instead of trying to do all the talking. It's a very hard trick to learn. But you'd be freakin' amazed at what all you'll learn about the other person when you stop trying to impress them. When you know you're cool, it can go without saying. You exude coolness. Everyone else knows. They want to be with you because you're so cool. The fact is, they want to be with you because you make them feel cool. If you are someone who truly cares about others, you will be so loved there won't be room for all the attention and men in your life. Odd, but really works that way.

Are you all nuts? I dont buy all those expensive things for myself! I have rent to pay, upkeep on my cars, food, gas, school fees, tuition and so forth....If a guy can use me, why cant I use the guy??? Dont you guys understand that? Im using them just as well...I dont feel like Im messing up...my self-esteem has never been higher than it is right now and its not just the boys....Im getting hit on a lot more, I wear clothes that actually fit me well instead of too big, I feel like getting out of bed every day instead of just lying there.....Oh and its agreed that I get the dog if anything happens and we decide to split again, but one bad fight in 10 years isnt too bad of a record.....I like having a life....I like having a guy or guys I can talk about with all my friends....they all have someone, and I never have, even before I moved here, for a year I could never talk to my friends about guys because I didnt have one...now I have two.....Its not like they dont spend the night, or kick me out of their beds after its over, they actually want me to stay and we hang out and chill the next day, I will want to leave or whatever because I do understand a guy's mind a lot better than a chick's, thats why I dont have friends that are girls, they are too messy, guys could care less what you do in your personal life unless your killing yourself ofcourse. I just dont understand why I cant be like a guy with that sort of thing....oh and also its not like its different random guys either, Ive seen them more than once ever, and they talk to me outside of, yes I will say it, SEX.....and I keep it going, its not like a love em and leave em thing....PLUS Ive known these guys for a while now, I met the stripper in September and the bartender around October....theyve both been chasin me since then.

I hope about 20 years from now, you will read your post above and realize how shallow it makes you sound.

I hope within a few months, you will find a support group and you start working out these problems. Believe me; they are problems.

I have mentioned "Codependents Anonymous" as a free 12 step program that is located thoughout the country. Please, look it up in your local phone book and find out when and where they meet in your area.

You need help.

Yes I have 2 cars, I have a sports car for the winter and for fun and an SUV for the summer going to the beach and such and when a large group of people and I go out. My parents bought them for me before I even went to college....college is breaking my family, we live a lot tighter lives these days. Neither one of my cars are brand new, the car is a 2000 and the SUV is a 2003 or 2004.........I dont believe in true love, because I found it once and it bit me in the butt! Therefore I refuse to have a serious relationship, I hope that changes someday, but right now I dont want to be serious and allow feelings for someone else. I am ver superficial, Im very vain, its part of my personality, but I promise you this, I take care of the ones that can see past it and get inside me to know me. Im quitting my job today, Ive been really sick lately, I dunno if it is the band or what, but until I find out, I need to be working a desk job. Which I think will yield a much larger income anyway. They werent giving me any hours and kept hiring more staff, so I cant make money there. Im going to the Dr. today just to get things checked out, Ive been on some medication that I think is making me sick, we will find out Im sure.

Just to show you guys Im not easy though, I had a pretty cute guy hit on me last night, but when he got to close, I made him go away...My tough side came out lol! I got rid of him...only because Im not taking on any more boys after these are done, thats it....for a while...my ex is moving here soon, in a few months, and we are getting a house, and I need to be focused on getting that together, and finding a new job and so forth and so on. I dont get why its a bad thing to keep two guys around....Ive never had boys...I had the same boyfriend for 3 years, we had a dream, but apparently he lost the dream and we split, and now we are friends again, he walked back into my life, not I to him. I guess I still love him thought, just not the same way I once did....then for a year and a half I was the girl who you came to to hook up 2 people, but never get asked out or hit on or anything....and even before that during me dating him and such I never got attention from other guys, I never did growing up either....I was never anyone's secret crush, or valentine or anything, except my ex. I guess Im just finally getting out what Ive wanted my entire life, Im finally getting it and Im taking full advantage of it.

Kiddo, I think I can see what you are up to. I spent a couple of periods of my life sowing my wild oats and deliberately choosing to investigate the most immediate and certainly the most sensual and the most shallow pleasures.

Although I regret none of my bad behaviour I am inclined to believe that the intelligent individuals who choose to jump into an extreme form of behaviour - whether they choose to be libertines or anchorites - are propelled by issues of emotional damage. It ain't merely a philosophical exercise and you must recognise this and you must, on the short term, take precautions!

You must protect yourself against pregnancy and STDs. You do not wish to lumber yourself with the guilt of an abortion nor do you wish to lumber yourself with 9 months of pregnancy and then the issue of your future as balanced against this emotionally loaded business of a baby. And of course the STD question has become increasingly sinister since the apprearance of AIDS and those variants of chlamydia which can give us cervical cancer. I must confess that I was lucky; I got to behave badly during those golden years when birth control was fairly au point and AIDS didn't yet exist in the human race.

I think that what I am anxious to relay to you is that you must maintain your intellectual focus. Your earlier engagements on this site were discussions about political and (implied) economic theories. You must continue to be engaged in and deliberately exploit the materials made available to you at your university. You must do this cold-heartedly and callously. The only way that you will catapult yourself out of Shitsburg and into the real world is by winning a post-graduate scholarship.

Sow your wild oats. I think that this is a phase that some of us who have felt ourselves to be marginalised for one reason or another will profit by exploring. I know that I certainly did.

My only advice to you is that you cover your ass during this period.

Later on you will need to consult with a mental dentist or two. This is no big deal. It is kinda interesting.:eek:

Jodie, Green gives good advice.

I do protect myself, I have a god son for God's sake and thats enough!lol! And I definately dont need anything else down there lol! I am probably getting out of this phase of my life with the ex walking back in......I like to see the therapist, but I really dont trust them here, and I really need my money....Im telling you guys money is an issue, especially with me quitting my job and trying to find a new one soon, as well as figuring out what is going on with my body! Ive been menstrating for over a month now, not fun guys, not fun! It has something to do with birth control pills, I know that...but I dont know what else is going on there, so Ima get it checked out...

I wish I could open myself to settle down like my friends....find a nice guy....but my type of guy is never the type to settle down for some reason...Im attracted to the kind of guy that likes to play the field...the jerk type (doesnt treat me badly, but has a big ego you know?) I like the muscular type that think that they are all that.Ive been thinking about that....that maybe I need a guy to settle down with for a little while......I just dont know where to find him??????? Class is a usual option, but I dont see anyone in class that I am compatible with....so where else>

Try being friends with some men, then see if emotion can become physical attraction. Obviuosly it hasn't worked out too well the opposite way.