Okay, so I wanted to write this on my myspace blog, but Im sure that all my friends on there are sick and tired of hearing me obesess about my weight. I have a few scattered thoughts, see if you can follow them, I want to type and discuss them randomly.

First of all, I have a question......Why is it, that when you are the biggest person in the room, no one sees you or acknowledges you....Its just like being invisible, yet when you are thinner and have lost weight, everyone notices you. Suddenly you are noticed and seem to be glowing as opposed to being invisible. I am not understanding why you cant be treated like a normal person. Cant they not talk to you to your face and talk about your weight behind your back at the same time?? Hmmm something ponder...

Second of all, Why am I such a slow loser. I want to cry when I see how great you guys are doing, getting to eat all this stuff I cant, and losing 3 times as much weight as me....I want to wake up thin......I eat all I can during the day, yet it still isnt much.

Third, Things just dont seem to go my way often. I feel so unimportant most of the time, like my opinion and my thoughts do not matter. I get so pissed when I am discriminated against, I am not as much as I used to be, but I still deal with it evey now and then.

Fourth, Why are gay guys in love with me, but straight guys wont hit on me unless ofcourse they are 20 years older than me and/or very creepy. Yet I have a friend that looks like a MAN! Im serious, I thought she was in gender transition when I met her! She is a big girl (and I know she lies about her weight to me btw) and she gets hit on ALLLLLLL the time, gets cute guys, boyfriends. She doesnt put out easily or anything, I just dont get it. Shes overall a BITCH (pardon my language) yet she still gets the guys in the end, and all I am left with are the gay guys, whom I love SOOOOO MUCH, but they cant offer me what a real relationship will.

Also,

I feel like I cant trust anyone, I am still a very paraniod person. I always think people are talking about me behind my back. Even people whomk I consider friends, because I was burned so bad growing up by people I never would have thought would talk about me like that. They dont realize what is hurtful to others I suppose.

Another thing thats on my mind.....WHY DO BIG PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF OTHER BIG PEOPLE! We need to band together (no pun intended). I just dont understand how a very large person can judge someone else......

Also, I cant stand the F word (That is "fat" btw). I have been called that my entire life. I hate that word, I never use it to describe anyone or anything. I never have because it hurt me so bad growing up, but seems like lately people have been throwing it around like they dont care that I dont like it. There are certain words ppl I know do not like, therefore I do not use them around them, yet they do not have the courtesy towards me, I got a little upset about this the other night. If that word would have been used one more time, I would have left the party. Im sorry I will not put up with that word. period.

I am way too obsessed with losing weight. I need to lose about 60-70 more pounds before I am the size I want to be. I am still the big girl in all the groups I hang with, and I dont like that. I want to be the girl that guys single out to flaunt over, I want my skinny friends to feel the way I do most of the time (they are all gaining the freshman 15 lol)

Lastly, I need a fill doctor in Corpus Christi, my doctor is 7 hours away and refused to see me before I had to go back to school, therefore I am stranded with an empty band, and cravings. I dont eat a lot just really high calorie stuff, which I can control, but the band helps soooo much. I mean I paid $15,000 for this, I want to use it. I cant find any, I found one in San Antonio, but its $200 plus a tank of gas ($50) to go. If I go here it I want to pay about $100, which is what I was paying at Dr. Spiegels.

I dunno, I still have some sort of strange feeling inside of me right now, but I dunno what it is, so I may come back and edit this and add whatever it is later.....I know that I just had a another random thought. Why is it that the people who are just born lucky and do all the wrong things, still get everything they could ever want or need? When I feel like I am pretty, but I am big, so therefore I apparently have bad luck, have to struggle for anything I want and/or need. If you are born pretty, thin, and into at least a middle class or really upper-middle class family you are able to be considered PERFECT, anything you want...................I dunno I am just having really jealous feelings towards thin girls lately, like I just want to claw their eyes out........Especially when I see them eating pizza, chocolate, chips, and candy, Dr. Peppers like crazy....AHHHHHH makes me want to SCREAM!

Wow! I've heard that from others about the relief from pain after the surgery. Honestly before I lost some weight, I don't know how I could have gone on much longer. I can't imagine how much your mom endured for so long. Isn't it crazy sometimes what we do to ourselves out of fear.

It really is. That's one reason wny I want to go ahead and get banded now, instead of waiting. I don't want to wind up with the same problems she has, and I know it's likely if I don't do something about my weight while I still can.

P.S. I had an uncle who waited too long also. He never was able to use his knees after the surgery. He wound up in a wheelchair most of the time.

I sincerely think that if she had waited much longer, that would have been her. As it was, she couldn't stand for more than a few minutes without having to sit. She even had an episode where she had to be carted out of a restaurant on one of those things that they move lots of boxes with (the wide, flat carts) because her knees just wouldn't work when she tried to stand up. And that was at least 5-7 years before she had them replaced.

Kat: Yea! Great story about the stairs. I hardly ever go upstairs now and as we speak I have a pile of folded towels and bed linens that need to be carried up to be put away. I usually go up the stairs on all fours and come down very slowly and gingerly hanging onto the rail for dear life. Not pretty. My grand daughter thinks it's pretty funny. :tired

laurend: I'm rooting for you to get the band. I know it will help you get on the right path to a lifetime of good health. Hang in there!

Kat: Yea! Great story about the stairs. I hardly ever go upstairs now and as we speak I have a pile of folded towels and bed linens that need to be carried up to be put away. I usually go up the stairs on all fours and come down very slowly and gingerly hanging onto the rail for dear life. Not pretty. My grand daughter thinks it's pretty funny. :tired

When my step-father was in a nursing home about 15 years ago, he was on the 4th floor. I would walk up the 4 flights and then take the elevator down. Some of the nurses saw me quite often (I used to visit 2 or 3 times a week) and they asked me why? "Other people take the elevator up and walk down. Only you take the elevator down, but walk up. Why?"

Going up, there is constant pressure on the knee, but stepping down the spaces between the joints open up as the foot is lowered to the next step down and then the joints bang together as the weight is applied.

laurend: I'm rooting for you to get the band. I know it will help you get on the right path to a lifetime of good health. Hang in there!

It will not be fair if Laurend gets a band. No one deserves to be that smart and slim too.

I have 2 pairs of athletic shoes that have the really huge cushy supports and I gravitate to them all the time. Forget sexy...

I've been wearing nothing but Crocs since last fall and talk about ugly!!! But boy do they feel good on my feet!

Yah, I have what I call Lesbian feet - though I would never say that in front of my friends who are Lesbians! I call 'em that because I can only wear sensible shoes; no Jimmy Choos nor Manolo Blahnicks for this grrl.

My paws hover between size 10 and size 11 and are both boney and wide. I can only wear flat shoes with a wide toe box. I used to wear Doc Martens when they were in fashion.

Kat - the meniscus is what I tore, back in my sports days. I begged for the operation then because my sports were a big part of my life. I had a full ride scholarship to play, and had been recruited into the Olympic scouting league. I wasn't ready to stop playing. I went to 4 different surgeons and all refused to operate, and assured me I wouldn't find anyone willing to do it on someone my age, and on someone who was just a "hopeful" and not yet dependent on the sport as a career. Will, I never would have been a career player, so there went that.

The ligaments can sort of "stick" themselves together, but re-tearing is always a risk. My original tear was around May of 1993. It has retorn 6 times since then. Most were within the first few years. The last one was about 7 or 8 years ago. I don't have daily pain, but my knees will get "stiff". And sometimes I know I've bent wrong because there's a sharp pain. The doctors aren't sure if this is stress on the ligament, or if this is some of the "disjoined" cartilege coming loose and wedging where it shouldn't be.

It's kind of like when you have a joint that has to pop. You can feel it has to pop, but you know the pop is going to hurt... so all you can do is try to make it as gentle as possible.

Yah, I have what I call Lesbian feet - though I would never say that in front of my friends who are Lesbians! I call 'em that because I can only wear sensible shoes; no Jimmy Choos nor Manolo Blahnicks for this grrl.

My paws hover between size 10 and size 11 and are both boney and wide. I can only wear flat shoes with a wide toe box. I used to wear Doc Martens when they were in fashion.

Doc's are STILL in fashion in my crowd!

Doc's are STILL in fashion in my crowd!

Great! I still have mine. Where do you live? I am going to visit you and I am going to bring my Docs with me.:biggrin1: I also have workboots.

I buy DKNY athletic-inspired shoes on ebay for $20 each. They are really stylish, and they feel soooo good on my feet. I'm up to 8 pairs now, all slip ons...some leather and some other. I don't feel clunky at all in them, and I get compliments.

Betsy: Are they flats or do they have some lift at the heel? I have to have about an inch or a little higher rise in the heel, for some darned reason. Those sound cute - especially the price!

They're flats. Everything from Mary Janes to very cool casuals. But definitely flats.

If you search Ebay for womens shoes and then put in DKNY and then on the left, click on athletic-inspired, you'll see them. I also like them because they have some elastic in the top so they just plain fit.

I have a 16 y/o pair of Doc's. :paranoid

Not to mention 11 other pair. They last for freaking ever.

My wife Tina has a hard time finding comfortable shoes. Before she buys something online, she would like to try buying some at a store even if it costs more so that she can learn what size she wears. Shoes sizes can be different from brand to brand.

Does anyone know which chain stores carry DKNY athletic-inspired shoes?