Okay, so I wanted to write this on my myspace blog, but Im sure that all my friends on there are sick and tired of hearing me obesess about my weight. I have a few scattered thoughts, see if you can follow them, I want to type and discuss them randomly.

First of all, I have a question......Why is it, that when you are the biggest person in the room, no one sees you or acknowledges you....Its just like being invisible, yet when you are thinner and have lost weight, everyone notices you. Suddenly you are noticed and seem to be glowing as opposed to being invisible. I am not understanding why you cant be treated like a normal person. Cant they not talk to you to your face and talk about your weight behind your back at the same time?? Hmmm something ponder...

Second of all, Why am I such a slow loser. I want to cry when I see how great you guys are doing, getting to eat all this stuff I cant, and losing 3 times as much weight as me....I want to wake up thin......I eat all I can during the day, yet it still isnt much.

Third, Things just dont seem to go my way often. I feel so unimportant most of the time, like my opinion and my thoughts do not matter. I get so pissed when I am discriminated against, I am not as much as I used to be, but I still deal with it evey now and then.

Fourth, Why are gay guys in love with me, but straight guys wont hit on me unless ofcourse they are 20 years older than me and/or very creepy. Yet I have a friend that looks like a MAN! Im serious, I thought she was in gender transition when I met her! She is a big girl (and I know she lies about her weight to me btw) and she gets hit on ALLLLLLL the time, gets cute guys, boyfriends. She doesnt put out easily or anything, I just dont get it. Shes overall a BITCH (pardon my language) yet she still gets the guys in the end, and all I am left with are the gay guys, whom I love SOOOOO MUCH, but they cant offer me what a real relationship will.

Also,

I feel like I cant trust anyone, I am still a very paraniod person. I always think people are talking about me behind my back. Even people whomk I consider friends, because I was burned so bad growing up by people I never would have thought would talk about me like that. They dont realize what is hurtful to others I suppose.

Another thing thats on my mind.....WHY DO BIG PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF OTHER BIG PEOPLE! We need to band together (no pun intended). I just dont understand how a very large person can judge someone else......

Also, I cant stand the F word (That is "fat" btw). I have been called that my entire life. I hate that word, I never use it to describe anyone or anything. I never have because it hurt me so bad growing up, but seems like lately people have been throwing it around like they dont care that I dont like it. There are certain words ppl I know do not like, therefore I do not use them around them, yet they do not have the courtesy towards me, I got a little upset about this the other night. If that word would have been used one more time, I would have left the party. Im sorry I will not put up with that word. period.

I am way too obsessed with losing weight. I need to lose about 60-70 more pounds before I am the size I want to be. I am still the big girl in all the groups I hang with, and I dont like that. I want to be the girl that guys single out to flaunt over, I want my skinny friends to feel the way I do most of the time (they are all gaining the freshman 15 lol)

Lastly, I need a fill doctor in Corpus Christi, my doctor is 7 hours away and refused to see me before I had to go back to school, therefore I am stranded with an empty band, and cravings. I dont eat a lot just really high calorie stuff, which I can control, but the band helps soooo much. I mean I paid $15,000 for this, I want to use it. I cant find any, I found one in San Antonio, but its $200 plus a tank of gas ($50) to go. If I go here it I want to pay about $100, which is what I was paying at Dr. Spiegels.

I dunno, I still have some sort of strange feeling inside of me right now, but I dunno what it is, so I may come back and edit this and add whatever it is later.....I know that I just had a another random thought. Why is it that the people who are just born lucky and do all the wrong things, still get everything they could ever want or need? When I feel like I am pretty, but I am big, so therefore I apparently have bad luck, have to struggle for anything I want and/or need. If you are born pretty, thin, and into at least a middle class or really upper-middle class family you are able to be considered PERFECT, anything you want...................I dunno I am just having really jealous feelings towards thin girls lately, like I just want to claw their eyes out........Especially when I see them eating pizza, chocolate, chips, and candy, Dr. Peppers like crazy....AHHHHHH makes me want to SCREAM!

Green: Thanks for the knee feedback. However I know they're supposed to be usable, I'm wondering how much real exercise you can do with them though. If I thought I could ride my bike and run and jump and play, I'd probably be more anxious for the replacements.

Green: Thanks for the knee feedback. However I know they're supposed to be usable, I'm wondering how much real exercise you can do with them though. If I thought I could ride my bike and run and jump and play, I'd probably be more anxious for the replacements.

I've been told that the artificials tend to have a life span of 20-25 years before wearing out. This is why doctors do arthroscopies, etc first. They like to delay the installation of a knee or hip replacement. The only person I knew who had a replacement was my mum and she was old. I did meet a man who had had both of his hips replaced and he was pretty spry. The funny thing about him was that he had had them done at different times and the older one was steel and the newer one was titanium, a much, much lighter metal. He said that he had to make adjustments when swimming for this variance in weight.

Someone once asked what I would do if I hit the lottery. I shocked him my telling him I would get an artificial right shoulder (3 surgeries), an artificial left ankle (2 surgeries), and 2 artificial knees (3 right knee surgeries, 2 left knee surgeries) and 10 artificial knuckles (many injuries as a mechanic, plus arthritis).

My doctor wants to put in a right knee, but he says he wants me to lose some weight first because of the stress on the bone to joint junction.

We've come full circle in this knee replacement discussion, TOM. One of the most motivating reasons for my getting the band was because of my arthritic knees and the fact that they told me I needed to lose weight before replacement surgery. I've lost some, more than the minimum 10% that they said was required, but I still do not think I'm in the best position to get the surgery. I would plan to have both knees done at one time. I've heard both arguments and it just makes sense to me to have one surgery.

You sound like you must have to endure some serious pain. :omg: So what are we waiting for, let's get this darned weight off. :help:

Yeah. Right. No problem. :tired

Green: No one has suggested arthroscopic procedures to me. I also have a little hope that some new and better material and/or procedure will be invented soon. With all the boomers limping into retirement, surely some greedy individuals will be sufficiently incentivised to come up with something spectacular, albeit expensive.

You guys are hurting me. I have a torn ligament in my knee, and "disjoined" cartilege. I did it back in 1993. I begged for an operation then to fix and and I was told no for two reasons:

1. It almost always leads to arthritis, and at my age they would rather I deal with occasional explosive pain of a re-tear, than the daily pain of arthritis and

2. Having the surgery guarantees nothing. I could not have it and never have a problem again, or I could have it and 5 days later it tears again.

It isn't knee replacement, but thinking about our bad joints really does give me chills.

I have had both knees operated on. I hade torn meniscus in both, and then had to have the patella (knee cap) muscle released laterally on my right. I cannot tell you how much better they feel!!!

My Mom is in the hospital tonight, she had arthroscopic surgery on her knee today to fix a medial meniscal tear---the surgery went great, she is walking on it really well, but she can't get her oxygen SAT up, so she is in for observation tonight!

My Mother in Law, had both knees replaced 4 years ago, when she was in her mid 70's. She was in the hospital for 3 days, we moved her to a rehab for a week, and then was home. She did PT for several weeks---and gets around since then like she did 30 years ago! She had let her knees deteriorate to badly she was extremely bow legged---when they replaced them, she gained over an inch in height! It was the fact that they were so bowed that they did them both at the same time, they said if they did one at a time, it would straighten that leg, and destroy her hips because she would be so "uneven". She did great.

Knee surgery used to be an iffy thing, but I would never hesitate, nor put up with extended periods of pain---I'd be off to the ortho!!!

Kat

Those of you waiting to get knee replacements, just make sure you don't wait too long! That's what my mom did. She got both knees replaced at the same time in February of 2005, but she had waited so long to get them done that she's basically never going to have normal knee function. She's much better than she was, but she still doesn't have anywhere close to the same ability as another woman her age with normal knees. Yes, she can use a regular cart in Wal-Mart now instead of having to wait for a wheelchair or motorized cart, but she still has problems being on her feet for longer periods, getting up and down, etc.

I think she put it off just because she was in denial that her knees were so bad. She's said to me before that she "didn't want to have surgery and then wonder if she had really needed it", so she waited until she literally had no other choice. I don't understand that logic, to be honest. She'd had deteriorating knees for as long (or longer) as I've been alive, and they weren't getting better. I thought that it would make more sense to have surgery when she still had somewhat normal ligaments, tendons, and musculature, so that post-surgery PT would be easier, instead of waiting until her feet were literally deformed from the way she had to walk and her muscles were so weak that she had a hard time moving. Even two years after surgery, she still gets out of chairs like she never had surgery. You know, the typical "put all weight on your arms and lift yourself out instead of using your legs to help push" behavior.

But then again, she's never been a good rolemodel for doing what doctors advise. That's where I get it from, I guess. Heck, she has Type II diabetes, but she hasn't changed her diet one iota. Still eats lots of carbs, full-sugar foods, etc.

Wheet: If this junk isn't enough to get us to use our bands properly, nothing will. I have a couple of neighbors who were basketball players in college (both women) and they have had multiple knee surgeries. Neither of them have benefitted much from the surgeries. They aren't in constant pain like I was, but of course they have problems like you're saying, with ripping and tearing periodically. :omg: :help:

Losing the weight is a big help, but wearing the right shoes to give your knees the proper support for your weight is important too. I have 2 pairs of athletic shoes that have the really huge cushy supports and I gravitate to them all the time. Forget sexy... not gonna happen these days. But the athletic shoes aren't nearly as bad as the old ugly orthopedic monsters people used to have to wear! :girl_hug:

Kat: When the orthopedist did the xrays of my legs, he said my legs were incredibly bowed. I looked at them and couldn't believe it was me. They say denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

To hear the story about your MILs experience is a real upper for me! Thanks! I could sure use another inch in height!!

laurend: I feel for your mom and I hear what you're saying. I do worry about waiting too long and not having the muscle tone to be able to use the artificial knees properly.

Your mom could be much worse off. My SIL's grandfather only needed one done and decided to do it before the cruise to Alaska they had scheduled. The cruise was in late May so he had the surgery in March. I won't go into the gory details, but he was dead by May - minus one leg. He was in 82 yrs. old and was slim and trim and healthy in every other way. It is one reason I'm so afraid of the surgery. I will not be able to wait until I'm 70 though, I'm sure.

My heart goes out to your mom. We need to learn from our elders mistakes I guess. Then their pain will not have been completely in vain. Give her this for me :girl_hug:

Yeah, I know that it could be a LOT worse than it is, but I still wish she would have had surgery sooner, if only for all the experiences she missed out on over the years. By the time she had surgery, she was in constant extreme pain. After surgery (like, within a day), she had them put her on regular Tylenol because she was not reacting well to the stronger pain killers (mostly emotional side effects). She said that even without pain killers, the pain she was experiencing immediately post-op was less than what she had experienced before surgery.

Wow! I've heard that from others about the relief from pain after the surgery. Honestly before I lost some weight, I don't know how I could have gone on much longer. I can't imagine how much your mom endured for so long. Isn't it crazy sometimes what we do to ourselves out of fear.

P.S. I had an uncle who waited too long also. He never was able to use his knees after the surgery. He wound up in a wheelchair most of the time.

My MIL went off her pain meds really quick too, and said it hurt, but was a different type of hurting. Her DD, (My SIL) who is 58 just had one of her knees replaced, because she was literally unable to walk---she was home going up and down her stairs--he home is on 4 levels---within 5 days. Amazing what they can do!

My MIL, walked really well following hers, but she still kind of tenderfooted around, very cautious. Then just over a year ago, she got tangled in the phone cord and fell---on her knees HARD. She was convinced she ruined them! She bruised the hell out of her knees, but they never hurt! Now she kneels on them, all kinds of things, we didn't realize she was afraid of ruining them!!!

Kat