Okay, so I wanted to write this on my myspace blog, but Im sure that all my friends on there are sick and tired of hearing me obesess about my weight. I have a few scattered thoughts, see if you can follow them, I want to type and discuss them randomly.

First of all, I have a question......Why is it, that when you are the biggest person in the room, no one sees you or acknowledges you....Its just like being invisible, yet when you are thinner and have lost weight, everyone notices you. Suddenly you are noticed and seem to be glowing as opposed to being invisible. I am not understanding why you cant be treated like a normal person. Cant they not talk to you to your face and talk about your weight behind your back at the same time?? Hmmm something ponder...

Second of all, Why am I such a slow loser. I want to cry when I see how great you guys are doing, getting to eat all this stuff I cant, and losing 3 times as much weight as me....I want to wake up thin......I eat all I can during the day, yet it still isnt much.

Third, Things just dont seem to go my way often. I feel so unimportant most of the time, like my opinion and my thoughts do not matter. I get so pissed when I am discriminated against, I am not as much as I used to be, but I still deal with it evey now and then.

Fourth, Why are gay guys in love with me, but straight guys wont hit on me unless ofcourse they are 20 years older than me and/or very creepy. Yet I have a friend that looks like a MAN! Im serious, I thought she was in gender transition when I met her! She is a big girl (and I know she lies about her weight to me btw) and she gets hit on ALLLLLLL the time, gets cute guys, boyfriends. She doesnt put out easily or anything, I just dont get it. Shes overall a BITCH (pardon my language) yet she still gets the guys in the end, and all I am left with are the gay guys, whom I love SOOOOO MUCH, but they cant offer me what a real relationship will.

Also,

I feel like I cant trust anyone, I am still a very paraniod person. I always think people are talking about me behind my back. Even people whomk I consider friends, because I was burned so bad growing up by people I never would have thought would talk about me like that. They dont realize what is hurtful to others I suppose.

Another thing thats on my mind.....WHY DO BIG PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF OTHER BIG PEOPLE! We need to band together (no pun intended). I just dont understand how a very large person can judge someone else......

Also, I cant stand the F word (That is "fat" btw). I have been called that my entire life. I hate that word, I never use it to describe anyone or anything. I never have because it hurt me so bad growing up, but seems like lately people have been throwing it around like they dont care that I dont like it. There are certain words ppl I know do not like, therefore I do not use them around them, yet they do not have the courtesy towards me, I got a little upset about this the other night. If that word would have been used one more time, I would have left the party. Im sorry I will not put up with that word. period.

I am way too obsessed with losing weight. I need to lose about 60-70 more pounds before I am the size I want to be. I am still the big girl in all the groups I hang with, and I dont like that. I want to be the girl that guys single out to flaunt over, I want my skinny friends to feel the way I do most of the time (they are all gaining the freshman 15 lol)

Lastly, I need a fill doctor in Corpus Christi, my doctor is 7 hours away and refused to see me before I had to go back to school, therefore I am stranded with an empty band, and cravings. I dont eat a lot just really high calorie stuff, which I can control, but the band helps soooo much. I mean I paid $15,000 for this, I want to use it. I cant find any, I found one in San Antonio, but its $200 plus a tank of gas ($50) to go. If I go here it I want to pay about $100, which is what I was paying at Dr. Spiegels.

I dunno, I still have some sort of strange feeling inside of me right now, but I dunno what it is, so I may come back and edit this and add whatever it is later.....I know that I just had a another random thought. Why is it that the people who are just born lucky and do all the wrong things, still get everything they could ever want or need? When I feel like I am pretty, but I am big, so therefore I apparently have bad luck, have to struggle for anything I want and/or need. If you are born pretty, thin, and into at least a middle class or really upper-middle class family you are able to be considered PERFECT, anything you want...................I dunno I am just having really jealous feelings towards thin girls lately, like I just want to claw their eyes out........Especially when I see them eating pizza, chocolate, chips, and candy, Dr. Peppers like crazy....AHHHHHH makes me want to SCREAM!

The longer you cover up problems with stimulants (food, strippers, alcohol), the more of a mess you'll be in.

The more of a mess you're in, the more you'll wonder why other people get things and you don't.

The more you feel rage about others getting things, the less you'll be heard for who you are.

You say you want to get the goodies of life and you want to be heard...in order for that to happen you'll need to work through your problems.

If you don't work through your problems, you're choosing for things to remain the same.

If you choose for things to remain the same, don't be angry or surprised if you get what you choose.

Jodie, earlier you mentioned that you don't have the money for counseling, then in the not so distant past alluded to a hundred dollar shopping spree at Wal-Mart because you were bored, if I remember correctly. Have you considered taking some of that shopping spree money, and getting the counseling instead? I really do think you would benefit from a good therapist, good being the operative word here.

I already gave my advice once, it wasn't appreciated so I'm just sitting here hoping she's using condoms.

A woman who is busy drinking everyone else under the table is not likely to take advice...or condoms! A person who is drinking most of her calories with the band is headed for a fall. I don't think an internet intervention can sway her as much as a striiper. We are here to witness a car wreck.

I hope to God we don't witness AIDS exposure!

After reading this thread/ "blog"...I am SOOOOO thankful I am not 19 anymore!!!! Being an adolescent is hard enough without looking for trouble.

Notice that we're all talking among ourselves, and she's ignoring us? she was honest...she wanted a place to monolog....not help. Created chaos and left the room to go play another day. You're right about 19!

Not equating anyone with a pig, but I've always liked this expressions. "Never try to teach a pig to sing. It won't work, and it annoys the pig."

Betsyjane: Always loved that saying. And it seems to fit the circumstances quite well.

One will use whatever means one has to receive the attention one needs. Blogs, abusive relationships, or otherwise.

im not ignoring you guys, ive been busy with working, school, and a social life. every thing that I have done lately has been for free...like i went to a concert this week in Houston and it was all free except the gas. Im not an over eater, i dont eat my problems away, i never have or never will. I havent been drinking lately because I dont want to spend the money....any drinking that I do, is free. I still cant afford $125 an hour for a therapist, thats what mine costs, and Im sure its much greater in a bigger city. I have to admit that life is going my way right now....everything is great. I do feel a little unmotivated as far is getting stuff done that I need to get done, but if I just start doing it, then I will finish it.

BTW, Im on BC and always use condoms, always! And just because he's a stripper, doesnt make him that promiscuous. In fact, when he does a show or anything relevant to stripping, he doesnt use his real name, he makes one up so that they cant call him or have anything more to do with him. Im just having fun right now, but I am calming down some...yes I go out, but Im not drinking, Im dancing mostly...and if you people think that I have ever even given my stripper even a dollar your mistaken...he came to me! Thats how I roll, the boys come to me if they want to talk to me, not I to them. Im trying to get even more focused on school....both boys are definately encouraging that, they make sure i go to class, and get homework done. I will never allow myself an abusive relationship, I am a princess and I should be treated like one, I grew up in the country, dont think I cant hit or talk back! I dont even want a relationship right now, I dont need that on my plate, thats why I turned down the bartender last week when he decided he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I would never date someone that well, say the relationship started backwards lol! But seriously, I am smarter than that. I am happy with life, things are going great right now. Im finally everything I want. When I walk into the room, club, bar, whatever, I am the star! I dont want the attention the whole time, just when I walk in, and I want people to notice when I leave, and they do. I get hit on often, and I pretty much get what I want. Ive networked myself in this city, and now Im VIP at atleast 3 hot spots! Treated like a princess....at any of them. I dont know if you people understand, but I like to be noticed in a crowd, Im from a small town, where I knew everyone and they knew me, and I could do anything I wanted without consequences (I mean within reason, obviously if I were dumb enough to be on drugs and I got busted I wouldnt get away with that, or murder or anything). It feels good to know that you are going to be pampered when you go out, that people know you and love you to death!

Hi from Green. I am pleased to hear that you are taking care of the birth control and sexual disease bizness. I have to admit that I spent a kinda irregular life during my 20s and early 30s. The reasons for this were very complex and I will not bother to drag all my own history on to this thread even though I do find my own past to be enthralling.

What I can say to you is that you must always maintain a corner of yourself that is absolutely intellectually detached from your current array of follies. You must do this in order to survive and in order to profit, both intellectually and as an artist, from your current sensual and sexual activities.

I am suggesting that you do have artistic and intellectual underpinnings. I have read a number of your contributions to LBT and it seems to me that you are an intelligent and curious individual, and someone who does wish to engage in debate.

It strikes me that you are anxious to involve yourself in a more voluptuary and shallow world. To tell you the truth, I found that I learned a lot from my mis-spent years and I do not regret them.

I did, however, always look after myself: financially, intellectually, emotionally, and healthwise. Now I am a charming old fart with a lot of scabrous stories to tell.

Good to know things have changed for you so much in a month.

Jodie, I have to jump in this thread and second BJean's impression that you may be struggling with a disorder called Borderline Personality Disorder, or at least have some of the symptoms.

This disorder is something that can be overcome or at least managed with therapy and sometimes medications. Sometimes people with BPD also have concurrent depression, which can make it much more difficult to deal with.

Some of the traits include:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

2. Unstable and intense relationships

3. Potentially dangerous behavior eg. spending, sex, using drugs/alcohol

4. cutting

5. Emotional highs and lows that may occur all in one day

6. Off the wall displays of anger (out of nowhere)

......and others.

Many people with BPD are highly intelligent, witty and charming folks. That's why we want to help you here. You sound like a delightful person.

Get some professional help...at any cost. You spent $15,000 dollars on the band. Don't let it all go down the drain but stopping your life changing experience now.

Good luck girl!

Green we're on the edge of our seats in anticipation of you spilling your guts.

Yes, I have temper tantrums, I was raised as an only child. I got everything Ive ever wanted in my entire life....my parents spent $15,000 on my band, and its working, im losing weight and Im happy with that...however it is a shame that a woman is dissed for the same thing a man would be partially praised for...having two people that is....I take care of myself....I go to class, i do my work, i maintain my job, and still somehow hold a decent social life....yes Im going out tonight....its college night and a new friend invited me to go....

I like to be glamorous, I like to have that sense about me, however all my friends know that I am a real person, and if someone cant see through all the glitz and glam, the louis and the coach, then they didnt really want to be my friend and get to know me. Actually a lot has changed in a month, Ive become a very confident person. Im on a wait list for a house in August which Im splitting with my ex-boyfriend, however we are not getting back together, I made that clear and he agreed...we are getting a dog and live in our own little happy world. The house is so cute and very nice, and coincidentally identical to the one we used to sit around and draw when we were bored back in the glory days.