Okay, so I wanted to write this on my myspace blog, but Im sure that all my friends on there are sick and tired of hearing me obesess about my weight. I have a few scattered thoughts, see if you can follow them, I want to type and discuss them randomly.

First of all, I have a question......Why is it, that when you are the biggest person in the room, no one sees you or acknowledges you....Its just like being invisible, yet when you are thinner and have lost weight, everyone notices you. Suddenly you are noticed and seem to be glowing as opposed to being invisible. I am not understanding why you cant be treated like a normal person. Cant they not talk to you to your face and talk about your weight behind your back at the same time?? Hmmm something ponder...

Second of all, Why am I such a slow loser. I want to cry when I see how great you guys are doing, getting to eat all this stuff I cant, and losing 3 times as much weight as me....I want to wake up thin......I eat all I can during the day, yet it still isnt much.

Third, Things just dont seem to go my way often. I feel so unimportant most of the time, like my opinion and my thoughts do not matter. I get so pissed when I am discriminated against, I am not as much as I used to be, but I still deal with it evey now and then.

Fourth, Why are gay guys in love with me, but straight guys wont hit on me unless ofcourse they are 20 years older than me and/or very creepy. Yet I have a friend that looks like a MAN! Im serious, I thought she was in gender transition when I met her! She is a big girl (and I know she lies about her weight to me btw) and she gets hit on ALLLLLLL the time, gets cute guys, boyfriends. She doesnt put out easily or anything, I just dont get it. Shes overall a BITCH (pardon my language) yet she still gets the guys in the end, and all I am left with are the gay guys, whom I love SOOOOO MUCH, but they cant offer me what a real relationship will.

Also,

I feel like I cant trust anyone, I am still a very paraniod person. I always think people are talking about me behind my back. Even people whomk I consider friends, because I was burned so bad growing up by people I never would have thought would talk about me like that. They dont realize what is hurtful to others I suppose.

Another thing thats on my mind.....WHY DO BIG PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF OTHER BIG PEOPLE! We need to band together (no pun intended). I just dont understand how a very large person can judge someone else......

Also, I cant stand the F word (That is "fat" btw). I have been called that my entire life. I hate that word, I never use it to describe anyone or anything. I never have because it hurt me so bad growing up, but seems like lately people have been throwing it around like they dont care that I dont like it. There are certain words ppl I know do not like, therefore I do not use them around them, yet they do not have the courtesy towards me, I got a little upset about this the other night. If that word would have been used one more time, I would have left the party. Im sorry I will not put up with that word. period.

I am way too obsessed with losing weight. I need to lose about 60-70 more pounds before I am the size I want to be. I am still the big girl in all the groups I hang with, and I dont like that. I want to be the girl that guys single out to flaunt over, I want my skinny friends to feel the way I do most of the time (they are all gaining the freshman 15 lol)

Lastly, I need a fill doctor in Corpus Christi, my doctor is 7 hours away and refused to see me before I had to go back to school, therefore I am stranded with an empty band, and cravings. I dont eat a lot just really high calorie stuff, which I can control, but the band helps soooo much. I mean I paid $15,000 for this, I want to use it. I cant find any, I found one in San Antonio, but its $200 plus a tank of gas ($50) to go. If I go here it I want to pay about $100, which is what I was paying at Dr. Spiegels.

I dunno, I still have some sort of strange feeling inside of me right now, but I dunno what it is, so I may come back and edit this and add whatever it is later.....I know that I just had a another random thought. Why is it that the people who are just born lucky and do all the wrong things, still get everything they could ever want or need? When I feel like I am pretty, but I am big, so therefore I apparently have bad luck, have to struggle for anything I want and/or need. If you are born pretty, thin, and into at least a middle class or really upper-middle class family you are able to be considered PERFECT, anything you want...................I dunno I am just having really jealous feelings towards thin girls lately, like I just want to claw their eyes out........Especially when I see them eating pizza, chocolate, chips, and candy, Dr. Peppers like crazy....AHHHHHH makes me want to SCREAM!

Karen Carpenter, who died of a heart attack as a result of being anorexic

Yes....those were Karen Carpenter's "before" and "after" pictures. A very talented young woman, and a great pity that she died.

I have no idea who Karen Carpenter is??? Sorri.....Ive heard of her, but that is it.....Ive never in my life been thin, and Ive cant remember (although I have been) being less than 160lbs in my entire life! I want to be at 120lbs so bad! Face it, I will never be successful in my chosen career until I lose weight, because it is male-dominated....and Women in that field have to use their "powers" to get anywhere (no that doesnt mean you have to sleep with them)

MK Olsen is dying. She's still functioning, like Karen Carpenter did until practically the end of her life. Unless MK can get a grip, she just won't make it to spend all of her millions. How very sad.

Jodie you seem to be totally self-obsessed right now - especially about losing weight. We all go through it sometimes. But it is unhealthy and counterproductive to our getting what we want.

Think about this: you are going in for an interview for the best job in the world, the pay is incredible and it's everything that you want in life right now. Now think about how will you prepare.

When you go in for the interview, what will you be thinking? Will you be worried if they think you're fat? Will you worry that they will ask you a question that you won't be able to answer well? Will you worry that they won't offer you the top of the pay scale? Will you worry that the other people competing for the job are prettier, smarter, or more capable than you are?

Going for that company interview is, in a way, sort of like trying to get a friend, a boyfriend or anything you really want that takes effort on your part.

What you have to understand upfront is what it is that you bring to the table that should make the company want you. These can be your education, your personality, your way of expressing yourself, your energy, your ability to get things done, your willingness to give up some free time when overtime is necessary, and your ability to work well with others. All those things are WAY more important than your looks, whether you're looking for a job, a friend or a boyfriend.

For you to be prepared for a successful relationship with a "company", you have to know how to present yourself and what is expected of you for the job, but more importantly you have to go in and find out if that company is really the company you think it is and where you wish to invest most of your time.

You have to interview THEM. If you approach it from that direction, you will intently listen to what THEY are saying during the interview, you won't be obsessing over your appearance or your answers. When YOU do the interview, you will be hanging on their every word and action and you will know exactly how to respond, automatically. If you want the job, your subconscious has the right stuff and is ready to go. You just can't get in the way of it doing its' job by obsessing about all the wrong stuff.

If you were going to interview someone, would you think that a person who is defensive, aggressively loud, self-conscious, intent on relating a story or notion that is not relevant to them, or someone who doesn't appear to care about the welfare of the company would be the right person for the job?

You may have everything that a company (or a boy or a girlfriend or a teacher) wants and needs, but if you are too busy worrying about how YOU look or feel, instead of listening to THEM, watching their behavior, understanding the signals and information that they are putting out, you can miss the boat completely.

I have no idea who Karen Carpenter is??? Sorri.....Ive heard of her, but that is it.....Ive never in my life been thin, and Ive cant remember (although I have been) being less than 160lbs in my entire life! I want to be at 120lbs so bad! Face it, I will never be successful in my chosen career until I lose weight, because it is male-dominated....and Women in that field have to use their "powers" to get anywhere (no that doesnt mean you have to sleep with them)

Jodie,

Karen Carpenter died before you were born--but i'm sure you've heard her songs at Christmas time--they're still on the radio.

I'm curious--what is your chosen career that you can't be successful in "until you lose weight"? the only career i can think of that definitely has a weight restriction is JOCKEY. The horses need light riders--but--other than that--any other career I can think of--INCLUDING MODELS, has opened up to people (even women) who may not look PERFECT.

Regards,

girlin

nyc

Im going into the law field, where as women are automaticlly judged for choosing that path...although many are successful...Most of the time they are going to take someone who is more put together, prettier, thin (shows that if they can take care of themselves, they can take care of their job).

BTW As of Sunday, Im in an open relationship with someone I would have never put myself with....Its just a little fun romp, or whatever....Its a confidence booster fo sho, and hes really cute.....he came over last night, and lemme tell you, I had the time of my life! I couldnt see myself like with him as a real boyfriend but the benefits are great from the relationship................lol! Im actually happy....he's been chasing me for months and I finally realized that I wasnt just a piece, that he really is attracted to me...trust me, its almost a problem, I cant within inches of him without him feeling a little warm lol! Feels great......good relationship status for my life situation right now.....

Only problem.........he has the same name as my Ex, and trust me, thats a little freaky.......Just have flashbacks....lol

Congrats! I thought about saying you just needed to get laid, but I figured that was a little shallow.

The upside to him having your ex's name... you don't have to worry about accidentally calling him by the wrong name when you're outa your head. LOL

Seriously, it is a great thing that you allowed yourself to be open to a relationship with someone who might not fit in the mold of your perfect mate. Those perfect guys seldom come along for anyone!

Way to go, Jodie!

yeah, Im not looking for perfection in any sense....but Im having fun with this bad boy...But im not a Britney Spears, Im not even going to attempt to change him....let it be fun while it lasts....I already know he will be a little posessive, but I can deal with that.....as long as its not ridiculously obsessive.....He's older than me (by like maximum of 6 years) so, I understand that he can do more than me, and I dont care....as long as he comes around by 3 am, Im happy lol! Im really not wanting him to call tonight, because frankly and TMI, Im sore, and hes a freak in the sheets.....I dont even care if he doesnt really like my body, something about it turns him on, and as long as he lies (if he is lying) I will be happy lol! Because it makes me feel great

Guys don't lie about what they like.

A very smart woman told me once that we have 100% of what men want and that we should never forget that.

They like to see pretty picture-perfect girls in magazines, movies, etc., but what they like even better is a nice, warm, willing, girl who's available. And that's the TRUTH.

Jodie,

I would recommend see someone. Your feelings are true, because they are yours and they are real. But, talking to a professional may give you some perspective on your weight, your weight loss, and more importantly, your self worth; regardless of your weight. I am a blonde, green-eyed "big" girl as well. You need to understand and find that you have a place in the world, no matter what your size. Come on girl...love yourself, and f%^& 'em if they don't like you:) !

Ok, so Im feeling down in the dumps again for some reason, and now Im pissed at wal*mart too! I am in a depressed mood, so I decide Im gonna go shopping and the only thing open is Wal*Mart, I get probably $100 worth the stuff, and I decide to chek out, I watched them close 2 or 3 registers right in front of me...so Then I have to stand in a long long long line because they decide to only have two checkers, Im behind about 15 ppl, no joke.......so I just got pissed off, yelled at the lady closing the lines, and left.....................

I dont know why I feel like this, I had one bad day in the past 2 weeks....maybe because Im feeling sick. I went out last night even though I felt bad....met a hot guy that was being very forward with me, and I couldnt even do anything because Im sick !! I guess I miss the days when life was much more simple, yet it seemed so complicated ????? Now I would have that back, but only for ONE day! I have school work to do, and I dont even want to do it....I start work next Saturday....I just have an issue this time of year....I miss my grandfather more than anything......and quite frankly I feel like a whore because I condone casual sex without being in a relationship with that person........I LOVE all the attention ofcourse......but I really miss that connection that my ex and I had......although Im happier without him...I guess I need to leave the boys alone??? I feel like crap because I just decided to become a booty call, and trust me my ego is right at the top for a few days, then it just plummets down really low........maybe Im an attention whore, I need it all the time to be happy...because when Im in a large crowd of ppl, and getting compliments and getting hit on Im SOO happy, but when I go home, I just feel like crap.........hmmm....I guess I use this as blogging more than anything

you need to see a counsellor, I would be very suprised if your campus does not have access to a free counselling service, even if it is a peer support arrangement. All the time you see your self and your world in such a negative fashion, that s the way others are likely to to see you - you need access to someone trained to help you to learn to challenge your own negative thoughts- it is possible, I have been through it and I am sure that many others here have too.

As for Karen Carpenter, she was a very successful singer in the 70's ( teamed up with her brother) She died of a heart attack at a ridiculosly young age as a direct result of anorexia. The fact that you can't see the MK is anything but healthly looking is a major concern- She looks like she is a refugee from a famine area who just happens to have access to designer clothes and make up!!

It is vital that you get help to deal with all you negative self issues

Yep, Jodie, Kebsa is right. In fact, you have been getting a lot of good advice on your 'blog.' It strikes me that your issues at this time hinge on something apart from your weight and this means that a thin Jodie will not be a happier Jodie. I feel that perhaps the core of your sense of grief may rest upon your feelings of loneliness. You are certainly not cosy with your own self, grrl. The frantic partying and the flirting and the casual sex are all ways of creating white noise in order that you can avoid hearing yourself and can thus avoid facing your own grief.

I do believe that part of this has to do with your youth. I suspect that we are all kinda crazy when we are young. I and my friends certainly were. I didn't settle down until I was in my 30s. There were lots of parties and men in my own life.

There is a theory that the teenage mind is constantly being flooded with hormones and that all young people feel emotions more violently as a result. Add to this the fact that women also have to deal with more hormonal fluctuations than men. These biochemical factors make it much more difficult for young people to be tranquil and at peace with themselves.

Moreover, you are at university. You have that to contend with and then there is the worry of launching your career. Plus there is the starting one's own family thing that is probably sitting at the back of your mind, too. All of this is a lot of poop to contend with and you and your thinner friends share this.

I do believe that you do need talk therapy. You have a lot on your plate and you are very unhappy. You may also need an antidepressant in your life at this time, too. My advice is to avoid taking Effexor - it is fattening and it will increase your blood pressure and constipate you. I know, I suffered through all of this when I was on it!

By all means keep writing to us in your 'blog.' You sound like a very interesting and very intelligent young woman and I think that I am right when I tell you that there is a number of us who care about you.

Jodie,

After reading all of your posts I feel like you share many viewpoints of my ex-boyfriend. He had seen a counselor before and felt it was no help to him. After seeing several more, he was finally diagnosed as having bi-polar disorder. The rapid up and down emotions you seem to exhibit make me think that you might be the same. He didn't have much money at the time but was so miserable he managed to get the money to go see a counselor. He had researched bi-polar disorder online and thought that it might be what was bothering him. The counselor confirmed his suspicions and he was immediately placed on Geodon. He is now feeling much better, has not been so self-destructive, and has begun to get his life back on track.

It is hard to admit that you have a problem and ask for help...I can relate to that myself. Even when it comes to my weight - for me to get to the point of deciding to get the lap-band was tough. I felt like a failure, that I wasn't self-motivated, and that I didn't have control. For years I have been miserable about my weight and it has effected every aspect of my life. It finally hit me that I was not living life and that I owed myself more. It was hard for me to admit that I couldn't handle it myself and that I needed to ask for help. I have gotten over my pride and am now making the steps to improve my life. I hope that you will make whatever sacrifice you need to so that you can start to begin to feel better. I wish you all the best.

Sara

i really think u should give ur self so much credit for the weight u have lost, u should have more confidence in yourself and not worry about what people gotta say, there gonna talk anyway thats life, we all go threw it as long as u focus on u, remember its about u, and i totally relate, wheneva i see a skinny girl eating, which is always my 120 pound sister, it pisses me off, shes been skinny her whole life and so was i but i just became a couch potato and gained 80 punds in a year so i can relate, but look at it this way, your almost there, stop eating everything that taste good and workout

good luck

so....Ive got another man.......lol......a stripper! ahhh.....heaven