Okay, so I wanted to write this on my myspace blog, but Im sure that all my friends on there are sick and tired of hearing me obesess about my weight. I have a few scattered thoughts, see if you can follow them, I want to type and discuss them randomly.

First of all, I have a question......Why is it, that when you are the biggest person in the room, no one sees you or acknowledges you....Its just like being invisible, yet when you are thinner and have lost weight, everyone notices you. Suddenly you are noticed and seem to be glowing as opposed to being invisible. I am not understanding why you cant be treated like a normal person. Cant they not talk to you to your face and talk about your weight behind your back at the same time?? Hmmm something ponder...

Second of all, Why am I such a slow loser. I want to cry when I see how great you guys are doing, getting to eat all this stuff I cant, and losing 3 times as much weight as me....I want to wake up thin......I eat all I can during the day, yet it still isnt much.

Third, Things just dont seem to go my way often. I feel so unimportant most of the time, like my opinion and my thoughts do not matter. I get so pissed when I am discriminated against, I am not as much as I used to be, but I still deal with it evey now and then.

Fourth, Why are gay guys in love with me, but straight guys wont hit on me unless ofcourse they are 20 years older than me and/or very creepy. Yet I have a friend that looks like a MAN! Im serious, I thought she was in gender transition when I met her! She is a big girl (and I know she lies about her weight to me btw) and she gets hit on ALLLLLLL the time, gets cute guys, boyfriends. She doesnt put out easily or anything, I just dont get it. Shes overall a BITCH (pardon my language) yet she still gets the guys in the end, and all I am left with are the gay guys, whom I love SOOOOO MUCH, but they cant offer me what a real relationship will.

Also,

I feel like I cant trust anyone, I am still a very paraniod person. I always think people are talking about me behind my back. Even people whomk I consider friends, because I was burned so bad growing up by people I never would have thought would talk about me like that. They dont realize what is hurtful to others I suppose.

Another thing thats on my mind.....WHY DO BIG PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF OTHER BIG PEOPLE! We need to band together (no pun intended). I just dont understand how a very large person can judge someone else......

Also, I cant stand the F word (That is "fat" btw). I have been called that my entire life. I hate that word, I never use it to describe anyone or anything. I never have because it hurt me so bad growing up, but seems like lately people have been throwing it around like they dont care that I dont like it. There are certain words ppl I know do not like, therefore I do not use them around them, yet they do not have the courtesy towards me, I got a little upset about this the other night. If that word would have been used one more time, I would have left the party. Im sorry I will not put up with that word. period.

I am way too obsessed with losing weight. I need to lose about 60-70 more pounds before I am the size I want to be. I am still the big girl in all the groups I hang with, and I dont like that. I want to be the girl that guys single out to flaunt over, I want my skinny friends to feel the way I do most of the time (they are all gaining the freshman 15 lol)

Lastly, I need a fill doctor in Corpus Christi, my doctor is 7 hours away and refused to see me before I had to go back to school, therefore I am stranded with an empty band, and cravings. I dont eat a lot just really high calorie stuff, which I can control, but the band helps soooo much. I mean I paid $15,000 for this, I want to use it. I cant find any, I found one in San Antonio, but its $200 plus a tank of gas ($50) to go. If I go here it I want to pay about $100, which is what I was paying at Dr. Spiegels.

I dunno, I still have some sort of strange feeling inside of me right now, but I dunno what it is, so I may come back and edit this and add whatever it is later.....I know that I just had a another random thought. Why is it that the people who are just born lucky and do all the wrong things, still get everything they could ever want or need? When I feel like I am pretty, but I am big, so therefore I apparently have bad luck, have to struggle for anything I want and/or need. If you are born pretty, thin, and into at least a middle class or really upper-middle class family you are able to be considered PERFECT, anything you want...................I dunno I am just having really jealous feelings towards thin girls lately, like I just want to claw their eyes out........Especially when I see them eating pizza, chocolate, chips, and candy, Dr. Peppers like crazy....AHHHHHH makes me want to SCREAM!

Im attracted to the kind of guy that likes to play the field...the jerk type (doesnt treat me badly, but has a big ego you know?) I like the muscular type that think that they are all that.

Maybe if instead of the "ego" type, or the "muscular" type, you focused on the "smart" type, or "ambitious" type, or maybe even "gentle" type or "caring"... you'd find someone who could give you the settling you're wanting. There's a lot more depth to be found than "doesn't treat me badly" (which is NOT the same as "treats me good") and "muscular". :myscared:

Maybe if instead of the "ego" type, or the "muscular" type, you focused on the "smart" type, or "ambitious" type, or maybe even "gentle" type or "caring"... you'd find someone who could give you the settling you're wanting. There's a lot more depth to be found than "doesn't treat me badly" (which is NOT the same as "treats me good") and "muscular". :myscared:

One of the ideas we discussed in "Codependents Anonymous" was the need to avoid choices which keeps a person on a roller coaster ride. The choice of who to be attracted to is difficult to change, but after a while, when the pain becomes strong enough to want to be relieved rather than to seek that impossible bad person to fix, it becomes apparent to most people that fixing yourself is more important than trying to fix the world.

I have known many women who could never understand why they kept getting hurt over and over, and when I suggested it was their choices of male companionship, veritable clones, they made excuses.

A male coworker of mine after three hostile divorces, told me about the new woman he had met the night before after work. He told me about all her good points and asked me what I thought. "Terrible choice" I said. "She sounds just like your last three wives." He couldn't understand why all his women were so flawed (and so similar according to me). Maybe it is because you met each of them in a bar at 2 am?

Insanity is sometimes defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Sorry!! If you want a happy life Jodie, you must change your ways.

OK. I promise no more haranguing about counseling. You could sell a car and a purse and get it if it were at the top of your list of priorities.

Good luck finding a job! I hope it's everything you need it to be.

Im not authorized to sell either car, they arent in my name....Purses decrease in value, and therefore arent worth what was paid for them........enough of that...

NO, Im not gonna date someone I met in a bar....thats just rule #1. I like my boy to be good guy, but I like one that likes to look good...I dont want a guy that doesnt care about his body. I want to feel the strength and muscles when I lie on their chest....that is just my thing...he doesnt have to look like a body builder or anything, but nice definition is great. I guess time will tell, and until then I will let myself have fun, but not too much fun...my ex-boyfriend is nothing like my guys I have now, and they really are not very similar either.

Im not authorized to sell either car, they arent in my name....Purses decrease in value, and therefore arent worth what was paid for them........enough of that...

NO, Im not gonna date someone I met in a bar....thats just rule #1. I like my boy to be good guy, but I like one that likes to look good...I dont want a guy that doesnt care about his body. I want to feel the strength and muscles when I lie on their chest....that is just my thing...he doesnt have to look like a body builder or anything, but nice definition is great. I guess time will tell, and until then I will let myself have fun, but not too much fun...my ex-boyfriend is nothing like my guys I have now, and they really are not very similar either.

Carlo Ponti just died a few weeks. Who is Carlo Ponti? An old balding fat man. Why is he in the news? Because he married Sophia Loren, one of the most beautiful actresses in the world, in the 1950's.

While Hollywood hunks marry Hollywood hunks constantly in "Tinsel Town" with marriages that have an average life span of a year or two, this couple stayed together for 2.5 times your life-time.

Physical attraction may be a hindrance to your happiness.

BJean: Sorry, it was another person....I just read back a few pages. I'll work on applying mistaken identity on another website :myscared:

Lisa: No problem!

Jodi: Everytime I thought I needed a guy and wondered where he was, I couldn't find him. When I'd get busy and forget about it for a while, one would show up, just when I least expected it!

Cars are expensive to maintain. Purses are still worth something. If you ever prioritize it, I have faith in you that you'll do it.

We tend to be attracted to, and marry, people who at our own level of emotional maturity. The better you get, the better the guys you get attracted to. The relationship payoff comes from working on you.

but ya know, when I was in college, I was attracted to a guy that I could never imagine seeing myself with now. Just glad I waited until later to get hitched.

We tend to be attracted to, and marry, people who at our own level of emotional maturity. The better you get, the better the guys you get attracted to. The relationship payoff comes from working on you.

This is SO true. Fortunately, I went thru my "bad boy" phase very early - around age 15. Those guys are HOT when they are young but middle-age rebels just have nothing to recommend them. They don't often make good husbands/fathers; they're very self-centered, and they tend to have career problems, resulting from a short temper and a bad attitude.

(M)iddle-age rebels just have nothing to recommend them. They don't often make good husbands/fathers; they're very self-centered, and they tend to have career problems, resulting from a short temper and a bad attitude.

I resent that.

I resent that.

Hey, I've got your number. I married one of your co-workers....the place is a magnet for "bad boy" types.

Hey, I've got your number. I married one of your co-workers....the place is a magnet for "bad boy" types.

But I was "the easy going type".

Well, at least near the end of my 35 years, I was. I was "Hell on Wheels" at the beginning, but nothing sobers a man up than working on planes that crash right after you work on them. It happened to me 3 times, and though nothing I did was related to the crashes, the FAA breathing down your neck, takes a lot of the playful spirit out of you.

Tina says that she is lucky. I kept my good traits and changed most of my bad traits. Of course I still talk too much, but...

Tina says that she is lucky. I kept my good traits and changed most of my bad traits.

My DH, too. But some of the guys he worked with are still hangin' onto that "rebel without a cause" thing. Actually, I think they are more rebels-without-a-clue.

Is it just me or do there seem to be more and more rebels coming out of the woodwork these days? Many middle aged and older men are buying Harleys and scooting out to Sturgis and Daytona every year. Sometimes I think it's actually the pressure from work that makes them want to be rebels on their off time! Maybe they were the ones who weren't rebels when they were teens and they just want a chance to be wild boys before they die.

My husband dreams of buying a Harley but he is too blonde to be on a motorcycle!