Okay, so I wanted to write this on my myspace blog, but Im sure that all my friends on there are sick and tired of hearing me obesess about my weight. I have a few scattered thoughts, see if you can follow them, I want to type and discuss them randomly.

First of all, I have a question......Why is it, that when you are the biggest person in the room, no one sees you or acknowledges you....Its just like being invisible, yet when you are thinner and have lost weight, everyone notices you. Suddenly you are noticed and seem to be glowing as opposed to being invisible. I am not understanding why you cant be treated like a normal person. Cant they not talk to you to your face and talk about your weight behind your back at the same time?? Hmmm something ponder...

Second of all, Why am I such a slow loser. I want to cry when I see how great you guys are doing, getting to eat all this stuff I cant, and losing 3 times as much weight as me....I want to wake up thin......I eat all I can during the day, yet it still isnt much.

Third, Things just dont seem to go my way often. I feel so unimportant most of the time, like my opinion and my thoughts do not matter. I get so pissed when I am discriminated against, I am not as much as I used to be, but I still deal with it evey now and then.

Fourth, Why are gay guys in love with me, but straight guys wont hit on me unless ofcourse they are 20 years older than me and/or very creepy. Yet I have a friend that looks like a MAN! Im serious, I thought she was in gender transition when I met her! She is a big girl (and I know she lies about her weight to me btw) and she gets hit on ALLLLLLL the time, gets cute guys, boyfriends. She doesnt put out easily or anything, I just dont get it. Shes overall a BITCH (pardon my language) yet she still gets the guys in the end, and all I am left with are the gay guys, whom I love SOOOOO MUCH, but they cant offer me what a real relationship will.

Also,

I feel like I cant trust anyone, I am still a very paraniod person. I always think people are talking about me behind my back. Even people whomk I consider friends, because I was burned so bad growing up by people I never would have thought would talk about me like that. They dont realize what is hurtful to others I suppose.

Another thing thats on my mind.....WHY DO BIG PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF OTHER BIG PEOPLE! We need to band together (no pun intended). I just dont understand how a very large person can judge someone else......

Also, I cant stand the F word (That is "fat" btw). I have been called that my entire life. I hate that word, I never use it to describe anyone or anything. I never have because it hurt me so bad growing up, but seems like lately people have been throwing it around like they dont care that I dont like it. There are certain words ppl I know do not like, therefore I do not use them around them, yet they do not have the courtesy towards me, I got a little upset about this the other night. If that word would have been used one more time, I would have left the party. Im sorry I will not put up with that word. period.

I am way too obsessed with losing weight. I need to lose about 60-70 more pounds before I am the size I want to be. I am still the big girl in all the groups I hang with, and I dont like that. I want to be the girl that guys single out to flaunt over, I want my skinny friends to feel the way I do most of the time (they are all gaining the freshman 15 lol)

Lastly, I need a fill doctor in Corpus Christi, my doctor is 7 hours away and refused to see me before I had to go back to school, therefore I am stranded with an empty band, and cravings. I dont eat a lot just really high calorie stuff, which I can control, but the band helps soooo much. I mean I paid $15,000 for this, I want to use it. I cant find any, I found one in San Antonio, but its $200 plus a tank of gas ($50) to go. If I go here it I want to pay about $100, which is what I was paying at Dr. Spiegels.

I dunno, I still have some sort of strange feeling inside of me right now, but I dunno what it is, so I may come back and edit this and add whatever it is later.....I know that I just had a another random thought. Why is it that the people who are just born lucky and do all the wrong things, still get everything they could ever want or need? When I feel like I am pretty, but I am big, so therefore I apparently have bad luck, have to struggle for anything I want and/or need. If you are born pretty, thin, and into at least a middle class or really upper-middle class family you are able to be considered PERFECT, anything you want...................I dunno I am just having really jealous feelings towards thin girls lately, like I just want to claw their eyes out........Especially when I see them eating pizza, chocolate, chips, and candy, Dr. Peppers like crazy....AHHHHHH makes me want to SCREAM!

Jodi: I have alot of respect for what you are doing. That's hard feedback to take to heart. And harder to act on. I'm impressed with you.

If the counselor wants you to see a shrink, ask the counselor to refer you to someone who is cheap. Every county in Texas has an MHMR with sliding scale psychiatrists, and the counselor will know if there are other options. Don't give up the good fight.

Jodi, I think it's a great idea for you to talk to a counselor. May I also suggest you find either a Sierra Club, Habitat for Humanity, a church group or something of that nature to join. It would give you the opportunity to 'start fresh' with people you don't know and that don't know you. It sounds like you're twisting yourself into a pretzel with your old friends, trying to anticipate what they'd like. If you start fresh, you can be whoever you want to be (maybe even the real you???) and without all that old pressure on you to try and figure out who others want/need you to be, you begin to discover things about yourself you really like.

You're at a wonderful time in your life (I can say this because hind sight is 20/20), but frankly you sound miserable. I've been where you are and looking back I wish I hadn't allowed other people's opinion of me control me so much.

If you find something special in your life that you enjoy doing (and I mean you really enjoy doing), you'll find people that enjoy the same things as you and will like you 'cause you do.

Be yourself. I'm not sure you know who that person is yet. I didn't at your age. But trust me, losing 50 or 60 pounds is not going to make your life perfect. Being thin is not the end all and be all. Believe me, thin people have problems too, they may just be a whole different set of problems.

Good luck. Please keep us posted on your progress. You sound like an interesting person and frankly some of the things you said made me laugh out loud. That's the real you coming out. Be that person.

but after reading up on boderline personality disorder, it sounds very likely.

If you want to do your own research, rather than using Google (there are some good sources out there, but also some very not good ones) visit your campus bookstore. Go to the psychology area and look for a thick, shorter, paperback called "DSM-IV".

Though warning - do NOT do this if you are paranoid or a hypochondriac - diagnosed or not. And don't use it as a substitute for seeking real help. Just see it as a good reference to learn more about the criteria for diagnosing mental disorders.

Aw, I think DSM-IV will make you crazy. all diagnosis and no treatment or help suggestions. There was a book about and for Borderline PD-if it's still around it was in paperback-called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me".

What a great book title! Man, a couple of times in my life I could relate.

Though warning - do NOT do this if you are paranoid or a hypochondriac - diagnosed or not. :girl_hug: And don't use it as a substitute for seeking real help. Just see it as a good reference to learn more about the criteria for diagnosing mental disorders.

I remember the first day in my abnormal psyc class the teacher warned us to remember that we did not have any of the problems we were going to be learning about. Even with the warning I think many of us kept wondering if we were crazy.

OK. I promise no more haranguing about counseling. You could sell a car and a purse and get it if it were at the top of your list of priorities.

Can you say s.p.o.i.l.e.d?

I can see that you are being overwhelmed with your life right now.

I am 60 years old and weigh 400 pounds. I have just begun the process of getting banded. I have one son who is 24 years old. To make a long story short, after twenty years of marriage, my husband asked me for a divorce because he realized that he was gay and wanted to go into that life style. I was devastated. For years he told me that I was just too fat to make love to and I felt awful about it. I thought that my life was over and was totally depressed, but because of good friends, and a psychologist, I was able to sort things out and come to feel that regardless of what a man thought of me, I must make myself happy. The love of a man is not the answer. The love of a man is a wonderful addition to life, but not the whole of it.

When we realize that we are a unique part of the Universe, others feel it also.

I think that the suggestion to seek out a counselor is a great one. this does not mean that you are sick and no good, it just means that you might profit from some help. None of us ever passed through this life without the help of good friends and family giving us a much needed hand from time to time.

Jodie, try reading some books by Melody Beattie.

"Codependant No More" is my personal favorite.

http://www.melodybeattie.com/library/library.htm

"Codependant No More" is my personal favorite.

great book!

Aw, I think DSM-IV will make you crazy. all diagnosis and no treatment or help suggestions. There was a book about and for Borderline PD-if it's still around it was in paperback-called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me".

That book is still around and you can get it at Barnes and Nobles. Before I was properly diagnosed as Biploar 2, I was thought to be Boderline PD and was told to purchase this book by my therapist.

It is an excellent book and it does describe Jodie perfectly!

Jodie it does not cost that much and its worth puchasing and reading. You might find out alot about yourself. This will help you on your road to recovery.

Again and always I wish you all the best and Good Luck!

Lisa

Depends on how you use them, and what type of person you are. I'd take a book of diagnosis materials over a self help book ANY DAY. But that's my type, and self help books aren't my cup of tea. And the DSM-IV is great if you're wanting to know the answers to questions like, "What kinds of behaviors do people with this disorder generally display?" I don't want to say it's for self diagnosis because it isn't... but when you have a bunch of strangers on the internet - who aren't psychologists - "diagnosing" you with bipolar disorder... I think it may help ease her a bit to know what's associated with bipolar and what isn't. :confused:

All I can say is---we all have to push it harder to lose. Not only do our diets count--but our regimen of exercise has to get bumped up--if we are to lose the weight. With me--I have that low thyroid--so it you do 3 days--I have to do that 5 to 6 days of walking. At least that is what my Dr says. On March 28th--I am going to have the band put in. I will be happy--even though sore.

My goal is 107 pounds. I am in the Prevent Defense now...Preventing what could happen to me. Diabetes, worst sleep apnea, hypertension and this arthiritis that is kicking my a**....I have had the back surgery, neck surgery(2), left knee replacement--did the signall get sent well??

Why are we invisible--"Prejudice"--plain and simple. Even now--I tested the friendships I had with a few people. 8 out of 10 said--"don't do it. One lady told me--"aren't you going to be feeling bad when folks say you look like you're on crack? It sad at time to be a Black Man with a weight issue too. I am invisible to the Women. I have kids--so I get a lottle bit of love. My thing is--just bid my time and get back into the swing of things come 2008 and 2009. I will not be waiting--but easing back into them by this time. I have a goal of getting 2 or more pounds a week. I know the happy zone is 1-2 pounds. But by kicking butt at the gym--I will have a better chance. I am not going to be into heavy weights until maybe week 22. From the earliest times--I will still do the light weights with minimum reps.

Strange how my life changed in 2002 and 2003. I lost 75 pounds with crazy workouts. But with all of that--I blew out that left knee too. I saw the people around me change. I saw the stupid ones change too. I got that--"hey, what are you doing to lose all this weight? Then came the drug rumors and the crack stories made up. What most did not know--I was doing 45 mins in the am and 45 at night 3 days a week on the treadmill. The other 3 days--I was lifting light weights, and still getting that 45 minutes in. I started to notice my energy levels to sky rocket until I was in that 60 minute zone for the treadmill. I had to make sure I was at the Gym at 7:00 am to get a treadmill for over 30 mins. The World Gym only allowed us 30 mins on it. The am period--no one was there except the elderly. So when you do things such as lose weight, change your appearance--you got to realize--at times your friendships may have to change. I even noticed that my wife became jealous--funny she was a 6 to 8 in size. In reality--her thoughts were lopsided....Her thought was--if I was a big and fat guy--no other woman would want me. So when the weight fell off--a few of her friends used to give me compliments (female friends). I brought a new $800 wardrobe. So now that I've had weight loss failure---I kept that wardrobe. It's ok...I will be wearing a few of those things come 8 to 12 months from now....I lost 170 pounds in 2005 too...That wife who was jealous and got on my nerves--well our Divorce came in good time. We got it--Aug-9th-05 and 8/29/05 Katrina hit the Mississippi coast along with the New Orleans area. I changed location and friends.

Lastly--don't let others press you. Start keeping things within. Read self help books, read a lot of things. develope a new hobby. Do whatever it takes...I am going to my 1st support group tonight in Memphis, TN...It's 5:10 PM--I am going at 6:30--I have to drive 31 miles--I say--so what??? I need to know a few people before the surgery date of 3/28....

Lee: Wow. You sound like you're really getting your act together and you have a PLAN! I wasn't so organized when I started this journey.

Best of luck to you with the surgery and your plan for fitness!

I need both of my knees replaced and I am scared to do it. Does your replaced knee you from doing any exercising?

Thanks, BJ

Lee4, you have got one big advantage in the weight loss game. You are a man and men tend to lose more easily and more quickly than we do. From your comments it does sound like your wife and friends were trying to sabotage your weight loss. That is a real drag! But now you have lost the wife and you do have A Plan. That's cool! Keep us in the loop with news of your journey.

BJean, my mother had her knee replaced when she was in her early 80s. She came through it okay and she continued living on her own in her condo. It will hurt at the beginning and you will need physiotherapy and the use of a cane for awhile.