Okay, so I wanted to write this on my myspace blog, but Im sure that all my friends on there are sick and tired of hearing me obesess about my weight. I have a few scattered thoughts, see if you can follow them, I want to type and discuss them randomly.

First of all, I have a question......Why is it, that when you are the biggest person in the room, no one sees you or acknowledges you....Its just like being invisible, yet when you are thinner and have lost weight, everyone notices you. Suddenly you are noticed and seem to be glowing as opposed to being invisible. I am not understanding why you cant be treated like a normal person. Cant they not talk to you to your face and talk about your weight behind your back at the same time?? Hmmm something ponder...

Second of all, Why am I such a slow loser. I want to cry when I see how great you guys are doing, getting to eat all this stuff I cant, and losing 3 times as much weight as me....I want to wake up thin......I eat all I can during the day, yet it still isnt much.

Third, Things just dont seem to go my way often. I feel so unimportant most of the time, like my opinion and my thoughts do not matter. I get so pissed when I am discriminated against, I am not as much as I used to be, but I still deal with it evey now and then.

Fourth, Why are gay guys in love with me, but straight guys wont hit on me unless ofcourse they are 20 years older than me and/or very creepy. Yet I have a friend that looks like a MAN! Im serious, I thought she was in gender transition when I met her! She is a big girl (and I know she lies about her weight to me btw) and she gets hit on ALLLLLLL the time, gets cute guys, boyfriends. She doesnt put out easily or anything, I just dont get it. Shes overall a BITCH (pardon my language) yet she still gets the guys in the end, and all I am left with are the gay guys, whom I love SOOOOO MUCH, but they cant offer me what a real relationship will.

Also,

I feel like I cant trust anyone, I am still a very paraniod person. I always think people are talking about me behind my back. Even people whomk I consider friends, because I was burned so bad growing up by people I never would have thought would talk about me like that. They dont realize what is hurtful to others I suppose.

Another thing thats on my mind.....WHY DO BIG PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF OTHER BIG PEOPLE! We need to band together (no pun intended). I just dont understand how a very large person can judge someone else......

Also, I cant stand the F word (That is "fat" btw). I have been called that my entire life. I hate that word, I never use it to describe anyone or anything. I never have because it hurt me so bad growing up, but seems like lately people have been throwing it around like they dont care that I dont like it. There are certain words ppl I know do not like, therefore I do not use them around them, yet they do not have the courtesy towards me, I got a little upset about this the other night. If that word would have been used one more time, I would have left the party. Im sorry I will not put up with that word. period.

I am way too obsessed with losing weight. I need to lose about 60-70 more pounds before I am the size I want to be. I am still the big girl in all the groups I hang with, and I dont like that. I want to be the girl that guys single out to flaunt over, I want my skinny friends to feel the way I do most of the time (they are all gaining the freshman 15 lol)

Lastly, I need a fill doctor in Corpus Christi, my doctor is 7 hours away and refused to see me before I had to go back to school, therefore I am stranded with an empty band, and cravings. I dont eat a lot just really high calorie stuff, which I can control, but the band helps soooo much. I mean I paid $15,000 for this, I want to use it. I cant find any, I found one in San Antonio, but its $200 plus a tank of gas ($50) to go. If I go here it I want to pay about $100, which is what I was paying at Dr. Spiegels.

I dunno, I still have some sort of strange feeling inside of me right now, but I dunno what it is, so I may come back and edit this and add whatever it is later.....I know that I just had a another random thought. Why is it that the people who are just born lucky and do all the wrong things, still get everything they could ever want or need? When I feel like I am pretty, but I am big, so therefore I apparently have bad luck, have to struggle for anything I want and/or need. If you are born pretty, thin, and into at least a middle class or really upper-middle class family you are able to be considered PERFECT, anything you want...................I dunno I am just having really jealous feelings towards thin girls lately, like I just want to claw their eyes out........Especially when I see them eating pizza, chocolate, chips, and candy, Dr. Peppers like crazy....AHHHHHH makes me want to SCREAM!

Is it just me or do there seem to be more and more rebels coming out of the woodwork these days? Many middle aged and older men are buying Harleys and scooting out to Sturgis and Daytona every year. Sometimes I think it's actually the pressure from work that makes them want to be rebels on their off time! Maybe they were the ones who weren't rebels when they were teens and they just want a chance to be wild boys before they die.

It might be that the geeks now have the money to be "Rebels", while the rebels are fighting to survive because they blew their money (and education way back when) being rebels.

It might be that the geeks now have the money to be "Rebels", while the rebels are fighting to survive because they blew their money (and education way back when) being rebels.

You might have that right. My husband was picked on all the way through school. He is dyslexic and so didn't do too well in many of his classes. And his mother is German; this did not go down well with the neighbours when he was a kid. The memories of the Second World War were too fresh. He still has a lot of scar tissue from those humiliating times. And thus the desire for a hawg!

TOM: AMEN. My DH (and perhaps Green's) was too busy being a responsible smart boy and he was definitely a geek! Still is in fact, but I see that wanderlust in his bespectacled eyes.

Green-tell that boy that hair is made to be dyed - preferably black! (omg, shades of Elvis) Or he can always put enough slickem on it to make it dark. But he's gotta be ready for the de rigeur tats.

I gotta tell ya, Green, it seems that he has redeemed himself for those painful awkward years by marrying a really cool and naturally high chick.

Im giving in and going to the counseling center on campus, I found it....however its more stress management from what I can see...I dont see it being very helpful for my mental health issues....my friend came into my room the other day and talked to me about how she sees me and the way I act and she just doesnt get my extreme highs and lows and how they are so sudden....and a few other symptoms of what you guys have been preaching....I hope they can help me there, however Im almost positive they are going to make me see an outside Psychiatrist, which Im not sure I can afford.

I kind of see the light, Ive been doing some self-reflecting and although Im happy, Im happy for the wrong reasons I suppose....I dont feel motivated to do my school work or even hold a job...yet Im motivated to just be in social settings and around people..

Jodie, have you been evaluated for bipolar disorder (I haven't read the rest of the thread)? That is what immediately came to mind when you said that you were having unpredictable highs and lows. If you haven't, I would ask your university counsellor to do an evaluation or have one ordered.

Your latest post is an interesting one, Jodie. I am glad that you are going to see what the campus counselling centre has to say. You may have a Borderline Disorder, as was earlier suggested here, or you may be bi-polar, a simple depressive or none of the above - just young and frustrated! By the way, at various times in my life I have been diagnosed with all three.

Although my life has been interesting it has been punctuated with more drama than it should have been and this has interfered with my productivity in the two areas that I prize the most, the intellectual and the artistic. If you can begin to sort your issues out now you will be in a better position than I was to enjoy your gifts and your life.

Keep on keeping us in the loop.

Jodie, have you been evaluated for bipolar disorder (I haven't read the rest of the thread)? That is what immediately came to mind when you said that you were having unpredictable highs and lows. If you haven't, I would ask your university counsellor to do an evaluation or have one ordered.

I was thinking this EXACT same thing.

I gotta tell ya, Green, it seems that he has redeemed himself for those painful awkward years by marrying a really cool and naturally high chick.

Thanx, BJean, for those kind words. Actually we both got very lucky. He's the beauty (he is always getting hit on by baby bunnies) and I am the brains - except when it comes to most mechanical and computer stuff. He is also a warm, generous and maternal kinda guy. It turns out that I need this; my mum was not good with tiny children and she preferred my brothers.

As for the painful childhoods, we both have that in common. I was huge for my age and I was a geek. Then my parents warehoused me in a boarding school but kept both my brothers at home.

Im giving in and going to the counseling center on campus, I found it....however its more stress management from what I can see...I dont see it being very helpful for my mental health issues....my friend came into my room the other day and talked to me about how she sees me and the way I act and she just doesnt get my extreme highs and lows and how they are so sudden....and a few other symptoms of what you guys have been preaching....I hope they can help me there, however Im almost positive they are going to make me see an outside Psychiatrist, which Im not sure I can afford.

I kind of see the light, Ive been doing some self-reflecting and although Im happy, Im happy for the wrong reasons I suppose....I dont feel motivated to do my school work or even hold a job...yet Im motivated to just be in social settings and around people..

Jodie: Iam so glad that you are going to the school counselor. Iam Biploar and you possess alot of the symptoms that they found in me.

Good Luck and best wishes-- Your taking the first steps to helping yourself get better!

Jodie: I think that it's great that you are going to talk to someone. I hope it is someone you can relate to. Just remember what I told you and listen, listen really hard.

It might be that what Green said is true, you're just a girl who's young and frustrated. But what she also seemed to be saying is that if it is more than that, getting some insight now might save you a lot of grief and help you become a much better functioning person and happier in the long run.

We're all pulling for you. It seems that many of us have gone through similar feelings and I think that's why you've had so much input and encouragement here.

I mean Ive seen a therapist before and I was just diagnosed with clinical depression, but after reading up on boderline personality disorder, it sounds very likely.

Im giving in and going to the counseling center on campus, I found it....however its more stress management from what I can see...I dont see it being very helpful for my mental health issues....my friend came into my room the other day and talked to me about how she sees me and the way I act and she just doesnt get my extreme highs and lows and how they are so sudden....and a few other symptoms of what you guys have been preaching....I hope they can help me there, however Im almost positive they are going to make me see an outside Psychiatrist, which Im not sure I can afford.

I kind of see the light, Ive been doing some self-reflecting and although Im happy, Im happy for the wrong reasons I suppose....I dont feel motivated to do my school work or even hold a job...yet Im motivated to just be in social settings and around people..

20 years from now, you will realize what a great move you are making.

Good for you, Jodie!!!