Okay, so I wanted to write this on my myspace blog, but Im sure that all my friends on there are sick and tired of hearing me obesess about my weight. I have a few scattered thoughts, see if you can follow them, I want to type and discuss them randomly.

First of all, I have a question......Why is it, that when you are the biggest person in the room, no one sees you or acknowledges you....Its just like being invisible, yet when you are thinner and have lost weight, everyone notices you. Suddenly you are noticed and seem to be glowing as opposed to being invisible. I am not understanding why you cant be treated like a normal person. Cant they not talk to you to your face and talk about your weight behind your back at the same time?? Hmmm something ponder...

Second of all, Why am I such a slow loser. I want to cry when I see how great you guys are doing, getting to eat all this stuff I cant, and losing 3 times as much weight as me....I want to wake up thin......I eat all I can during the day, yet it still isnt much.

Third, Things just dont seem to go my way often. I feel so unimportant most of the time, like my opinion and my thoughts do not matter. I get so pissed when I am discriminated against, I am not as much as I used to be, but I still deal with it evey now and then.

Fourth, Why are gay guys in love with me, but straight guys wont hit on me unless ofcourse they are 20 years older than me and/or very creepy. Yet I have a friend that looks like a MAN! Im serious, I thought she was in gender transition when I met her! She is a big girl (and I know she lies about her weight to me btw) and she gets hit on ALLLLLLL the time, gets cute guys, boyfriends. She doesnt put out easily or anything, I just dont get it. Shes overall a BITCH (pardon my language) yet she still gets the guys in the end, and all I am left with are the gay guys, whom I love SOOOOO MUCH, but they cant offer me what a real relationship will.

Also,

I feel like I cant trust anyone, I am still a very paraniod person. I always think people are talking about me behind my back. Even people whomk I consider friends, because I was burned so bad growing up by people I never would have thought would talk about me like that. They dont realize what is hurtful to others I suppose.

Another thing thats on my mind.....WHY DO BIG PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF OTHER BIG PEOPLE! We need to band together (no pun intended). I just dont understand how a very large person can judge someone else......

Also, I cant stand the F word (That is "fat" btw). I have been called that my entire life. I hate that word, I never use it to describe anyone or anything. I never have because it hurt me so bad growing up, but seems like lately people have been throwing it around like they dont care that I dont like it. There are certain words ppl I know do not like, therefore I do not use them around them, yet they do not have the courtesy towards me, I got a little upset about this the other night. If that word would have been used one more time, I would have left the party. Im sorry I will not put up with that word. period.

I am way too obsessed with losing weight. I need to lose about 60-70 more pounds before I am the size I want to be. I am still the big girl in all the groups I hang with, and I dont like that. I want to be the girl that guys single out to flaunt over, I want my skinny friends to feel the way I do most of the time (they are all gaining the freshman 15 lol)

Lastly, I need a fill doctor in Corpus Christi, my doctor is 7 hours away and refused to see me before I had to go back to school, therefore I am stranded with an empty band, and cravings. I dont eat a lot just really high calorie stuff, which I can control, but the band helps soooo much. I mean I paid $15,000 for this, I want to use it. I cant find any, I found one in San Antonio, but its $200 plus a tank of gas ($50) to go. If I go here it I want to pay about $100, which is what I was paying at Dr. Spiegels.

I dunno, I still have some sort of strange feeling inside of me right now, but I dunno what it is, so I may come back and edit this and add whatever it is later.....I know that I just had a another random thought. Why is it that the people who are just born lucky and do all the wrong things, still get everything they could ever want or need? When I feel like I am pretty, but I am big, so therefore I apparently have bad luck, have to struggle for anything I want and/or need. If you are born pretty, thin, and into at least a middle class or really upper-middle class family you are able to be considered PERFECT, anything you want...................I dunno I am just having really jealous feelings towards thin girls lately, like I just want to claw their eyes out........Especially when I see them eating pizza, chocolate, chips, and candy, Dr. Peppers like crazy....AHHHHHH makes me want to SCREAM!

i know exactly how u feel and i know its not a good feeling to feel like a booty call, its like in front of people u seem happy and u put on a front but when come home u feel worthless, i lived that type of life a while ago, and im gonna tell u now its not worth it, all ur doing is letting these guys use u and ur using them.at the end of the day there is no love or feelings, cause if there was u would be their girl, and then the worst part is that guys goo behing peoples back and degrade us, thats why we gotta love and respect ourselves,

i took some time to myself and learned more about me and relized that in reality i was just hurting myself in the long run, so i think u need do that and focus on your school and stop worrying about going out that life is temporary ur not gonna do that foreva, that gets wak after a while, i know from experience,

i also think talking to someone like a therapist wouldn't hurt:scared:

well...I have to go out atleast on the weekends because I partially work at the club I go out to.......its not necessarily the feeling of booty call that bothers me at all, I dont want a real relationship right now...Ive figured that out so far...after being in one so serious for so long, I just dont want to put that much effort into another human being....the stripper doesnt make me feel like one anyways, hes had his eye on me since September! In fact he was a little nervous to talk to me again, he got my friend to do it for him at first...I need that male attention to feel pretty. I feel good because Im attractive enough to get that attention from guys...I really just like to feel attractive....Ithink my hormones are wacked from BC pills...in fact Im sure of it. Im getting them switched Monday so I should be feeling better. I dont feel degraded by guys unless they are talking about how fat I am, or ugly or something like that....I really like the attention. Trust me it felt good fall asleep in a man's arms, and wake up in them too....to be held with such passion that he didnt want me to get out of the bed. He's called me all day anyway, he's actually got a heart.

Jodie, I hate to sound like yo mama but how are is your intellectual life progressing these days?

its great! I love my classes which helps a lot in attendance. I only have evening and night classes so that helps too....everything is going well as far as school is concerned

Hi Jodi

First, I want to congratulate you for using this forum as you need to. It's great that you ask when you need.....

In some ways, college will be the hardest part of your life. Appearances are important and you are in that rarefied atmosphere where it seems that some people have everything and get everything. You're not out in post-college life yet where some pretty girls still get lots of goodies, but some talented girls get longer term success, and some loving girls get great marriages, and the people you least expect to get divorces, or sick, or laid off..... Appearance becomes one of many ways to succeed instead of seeming to be the only way. Look beyond Brittney and Paris to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Sandra Day OConnor. When you say someone is always better than you are, you forget that someone is alwasy worse off than you are. IOt's all in what you focus on.

I don't know you, so I could be all wrong, but have you ever heard about Borderline Personality Disorder? It "borders" on bipolar, depression, schizophrenia, etc.... all those things you mentioned you had a little of. It can make you seem rudderless like you can't keep stable emotions, relationships, or much of anything else. Many women who have it used to be cutters. You might want to double check whether there is a counseling program at school that's free.... and if not, see if there is an MHMR office near you that offers counseling. Being Borderline can be tough....tough to get the diagnosis since it partly mimics so many things.

so....Ive got another man.......lol......a stripper! ahhh.....heaven

Telling us that your new man is a stripper sounds like a cry for help to me.

omg! he's hot tho! I told you I was using this more like a blog than anything else...so therefore i tell that I am seeing a stripper......

Bartender asked me to date him, be his girlfriend, although he's cute, I told him no........Im too afraid of a relationship right now....i have enough on my plate...

Avoiding problems with strippers, alcohol, and the like.... Thanks for clarifying that you use this as a blog....a one way conversation....instead of for change. I'll just sit back and read about your life and be part of your audience. Entertain us, girl!

Jodi-One of the symptoms of dealing with Borderline problems is that with the challenges that you have, when you leave the room, everybody else is upset and concerned for you, and you're off on an adventure. That's what makes it such a struggle. It's hard to stick with one issue long enough to solve it. A person needs relief from it so they go to another diversion. Underlying the whole thing is rage that needs to be addressed, but it's so painful to deal with it. Again, I don't know you, but if any of this makes sense for your life, please go check on that counseling center. I had a dear friend who had BPD and was a cutter, got help, and is now a very successful attorney, married to a wonderful guy who is also an attorney.

okay, so since work, ive lost about 10 more lbs! Which I needed since being unfilled has left me with gaining about 8, so therefore Ive lost 2lbs from what i was....im happy! Spring break is approaching so thats good that im losing weight! lol!!

As for my love life......hmmm....its interesting, im going to leave bartender alone for a little while, i will go back to him on occassion, im sure of it, but he got to comfy with me, and I with him, and I dont want to deal with that right now.....

Ive got the stripper yay! I like the way he is....he's hot and has a GREAT personality, like for real! We actually went out to eat the other night after going out and he made the girls at whataburger laugh and stuff....he was being crazy and I thought it was because he was drunk, but when we got back out to the parking lot, he took me in his arms and said, "see, I just made an hour of their time go by so much quicker." I was like AWWWW! That was nice, I realized then he wasnt drunk, ofcourse he had been drinking, but he wasnt drunk. That was so nice. I cant believe someone like him can actually be a nice person! crazy right?

Careful....even male strippers need love

okay, so since work, ive lost about 10 more lbs! Which I needed since being unfilled has left me with gaining about 8, so therefore Ive lost 2lbs from what i was....im happy! Spring break is approaching so thats good that im losing weight! lol!!

As for my love life......hmmm....its interesting, im going to leave bartender alone for a little while, i will go back to him on occassion, im sure of it, but he got to comfy with me, and I with him, and I dont want to deal with that right now.....

Ive got the stripper yay! I like the way he is....he's hot and has a GREAT personality, like for real! We actually went out to eat the other night after going out and he made the girls at whataburger laugh and stuff....he was being crazy and I thought it was because he was drunk, but when we got back out to the parking lot, he took me in his arms and said, "see, I just made an hour of their time go by so much quicker." I was like AWWWW! That was nice, I realized then he wasnt drunk, ofcourse he had been drinking, but he wasnt drunk. That was so nice. I cant believe someone like him can actually be a nice person! crazy right?

Or you could say that he spent an hour flirting with girls right in front of you.

No matter how much you weigh, you are a person of value. Do not devalue yourself jumping from one person to another constantly seeking their approval. Please seek help. You are letting your appearance and the attention of other people control you.

Or you could say that he spent an hour flirting with girls right in front of you.

No matter how much you weigh, you are a person of value. Do not devalue yourself jumping from one person to another constantly seeking their approval. Please seek help. You are letting your appearance and the attention of other people control you.

Actually the girls that were working were lesbians lol, no fear there, especially when he's hugging and kissing on me

Fun! It's easier to do short term distractions than long term problem solving, eh?

Actually the girls that were working were lesbians lol, no fear there, especially when he's hugging and kissing on me

Weight problems often at the start are usually symptomatic of deeper problems. Once the body gets used to over-eating to compensate for the deeper problems, the thermostat and hunger management systems of the body can be and very often are thrown out of kilter.

A lap-band can help with the physical aspects of weight control, but the emotional needs can only be solved with professional emotional help. I am quite sure that I am not the only one who hears your cry for help in your gleeful posts.

Though I am not the only one, I may be one of the few who is so bold as to risk the censure of the larger group here, by telling you to save every penny you can on foolishness, fun and enjoyment in order to get some professional counseling. If you can not afford it, there are 12 step programs like Codependents Anonymous that might be able to help you.

You may be fooling yourself, but I am sure that there are many here who you are not fooling.

You are young and have so much life to experience. Don't throw it away playing games.