Okay, so I wanted to write this on my myspace blog, but Im sure that all my friends on there are sick and tired of hearing me obesess about my weight. I have a few scattered thoughts, see if you can follow them, I want to type and discuss them randomly.

First of all, I have a question......Why is it, that when you are the biggest person in the room, no one sees you or acknowledges you....Its just like being invisible, yet when you are thinner and have lost weight, everyone notices you. Suddenly you are noticed and seem to be glowing as opposed to being invisible. I am not understanding why you cant be treated like a normal person. Cant they not talk to you to your face and talk about your weight behind your back at the same time?? Hmmm something ponder...

Second of all, Why am I such a slow loser. I want to cry when I see how great you guys are doing, getting to eat all this stuff I cant, and losing 3 times as much weight as me....I want to wake up thin......I eat all I can during the day, yet it still isnt much.

Third, Things just dont seem to go my way often. I feel so unimportant most of the time, like my opinion and my thoughts do not matter. I get so pissed when I am discriminated against, I am not as much as I used to be, but I still deal with it evey now and then.

Fourth, Why are gay guys in love with me, but straight guys wont hit on me unless ofcourse they are 20 years older than me and/or very creepy. Yet I have a friend that looks like a MAN! Im serious, I thought she was in gender transition when I met her! She is a big girl (and I know she lies about her weight to me btw) and she gets hit on ALLLLLLL the time, gets cute guys, boyfriends. She doesnt put out easily or anything, I just dont get it. Shes overall a BITCH (pardon my language) yet she still gets the guys in the end, and all I am left with are the gay guys, whom I love SOOOOO MUCH, but they cant offer me what a real relationship will.

Also,

I feel like I cant trust anyone, I am still a very paraniod person. I always think people are talking about me behind my back. Even people whomk I consider friends, because I was burned so bad growing up by people I never would have thought would talk about me like that. They dont realize what is hurtful to others I suppose.

Another thing thats on my mind.....WHY DO BIG PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF OTHER BIG PEOPLE! We need to band together (no pun intended). I just dont understand how a very large person can judge someone else......

Also, I cant stand the F word (That is "fat" btw). I have been called that my entire life. I hate that word, I never use it to describe anyone or anything. I never have because it hurt me so bad growing up, but seems like lately people have been throwing it around like they dont care that I dont like it. There are certain words ppl I know do not like, therefore I do not use them around them, yet they do not have the courtesy towards me, I got a little upset about this the other night. If that word would have been used one more time, I would have left the party. Im sorry I will not put up with that word. period.

I am way too obsessed with losing weight. I need to lose about 60-70 more pounds before I am the size I want to be. I am still the big girl in all the groups I hang with, and I dont like that. I want to be the girl that guys single out to flaunt over, I want my skinny friends to feel the way I do most of the time (they are all gaining the freshman 15 lol)

Lastly, I need a fill doctor in Corpus Christi, my doctor is 7 hours away and refused to see me before I had to go back to school, therefore I am stranded with an empty band, and cravings. I dont eat a lot just really high calorie stuff, which I can control, but the band helps soooo much. I mean I paid $15,000 for this, I want to use it. I cant find any, I found one in San Antonio, but its $200 plus a tank of gas ($50) to go. If I go here it I want to pay about $100, which is what I was paying at Dr. Spiegels.

I dunno, I still have some sort of strange feeling inside of me right now, but I dunno what it is, so I may come back and edit this and add whatever it is later.....I know that I just had a another random thought. Why is it that the people who are just born lucky and do all the wrong things, still get everything they could ever want or need? When I feel like I am pretty, but I am big, so therefore I apparently have bad luck, have to struggle for anything I want and/or need. If you are born pretty, thin, and into at least a middle class or really upper-middle class family you are able to be considered PERFECT, anything you want...................I dunno I am just having really jealous feelings towards thin girls lately, like I just want to claw their eyes out........Especially when I see them eating pizza, chocolate, chips, and candy, Dr. Peppers like crazy....AHHHHHH makes me want to SCREAM!

Yeah, my hubby told me not to get too thin. Then I asked him to show me what he thinks is too thin... and I would never get there anyway. I would rather have the "don't get too skinny" problem than the "don't get too fat" issue.

I also understand the online issue, but meeting in a public place and taking a friend will help with some of the issues.

Yeah, my hubby told me not to get too thin. Then I asked him to show me what he thinks is too thin... and I would never get there anyway. I would rather have the "don't get too skinny" problem than the "don't get too fat" issue.

I also understand the online issue, but meeting in a public place and taking a friend will help with some of the issues.

See, my issue is, that I want to be thin thin, I want to weigh 115-120lbs or so. I want to be one of those flawless girls, and a chubby chaser doesnt want that....not too mention that I am obsessed with weight loss....period. Thats all I think about and worry about, one more lb one more lb, 2 more 2 more....so on and so forth.........I dont believe in "too skinny". There have only been two anorexic ppl in my entire life that I thot just looked HORRIBLE and that was on Oprah. Ive seen them in real life, and I didnt think they looked too thin.....

As far as online dating.....eh.....seems so, illusive to me, in a way....I dont want to be talking to some guy and he not be who he says he is. I cant handle that in life....plus the awkardness of talking to someone online, then seeing them in person....its like what do you talk about???? What do you say at first? Just not my area really....I guess I will stick to the gay club for now, then just find me a straight guy one day to take care of me.....

Uhh... Honey... have you talked to your doctor about this? One sure sign of an eating disorder... any disorder... is not seeing things as a problem. And you need to understand that "flawless girls" do not exist. They are a figment of the mass media. Even supermodels have issues (like drugs) and you don't want to get into that.

I remember once upon a time, when I was in the eating disorder rhelm, when I wanted to be "flawless" too. Perfect hair, perfect makeup, throwing up 11 times a day, making all A's in school. Seemed ok to me, but you know what... it wasn't. I made it to a size 10, with my hip bones hanging out, and I asked my mother if I could have surgery to take off some of my hip bones so I could get into a size 9. My goal was to shop at the 5-7-9 store like my friends, but even with skin and bones, I was a 10. That question landed me in the hospital for 4 weeks for an eating disorder.

I know we are all trying to lose weight on this board. That is the reason we have the band, but the only reason I got the band was because of my health issues that showed up after I came to grips with myself, and learned to love myself fat and all.

Now I have a man that loves the imperfect me. The one with Rosecea, a overlapping belly, stubble on my legs, and my big fat behind. Most of all, I am alright with me too. But he does not "take care of me". I take care of myself. You can not depend on anyone else, until you can depend on yourself.

Think about the serenity prayer; "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference." I know this is often associated with AA groups, but has real power when you think about it.

I had an older friend tell me one time when I was on the brink of self destruction... remember "it came to pass" it did not "come to stay". That is a religious reference, so take it how you can use it.

I wish you peace in your journey thru life. You are not alone, there is nothing wrong with you RIGHT NOW, and believe me this too shall pass.

See the problem is that I have been anorexic off and on since I was in sixth grade....and I still never lost weight quickly...I got down to 160lbs before the glory of Jr High came along with chicken strips and pizza and stuff like that.....then 8th through 9th I was anorexic again..I went for from about 210lbs to 150lbs then with the diet pills I could maintain my weight and stay up to study for college. I have an obsession with wieght, but trust me I have to eat, im not anorexic at all. Im short and actually have very small bones, I am meant to be pretty small.

i FEEL like crap today.......btw......

I dont believe in "too skinny".

Here is Mary Kate Olsen from the recent Golden Globe awards. Bear in mind, she was trying to look her BEST in this photo. To me, she looks AWFUL...and definitely too skinny!

Hi Jodi,

Just looked at your profile as I am curious how tall you are?? Under 200 even if it is 196 is that still obese in your eyes? I see you are 18 right?

Do you ever look at yourself and think " damn I'm gettin there!!!"?

My journey started 2 yrs ago at 5'5" 277lbs, Today as fact, I am mentally preparing for tummy tuck and breast lift tomarrow at 7am. I weigh 174lbs which may seem like alot (still does to me) but I never did the scale I did clothing size and my comfort level. I wear a size 10 and medium afterwards an 8 cuz 10's are loose now. I NEVER thought I would be here. after this skin is gone I WILL look at myself and think I AM HOT!! but the journey is long and attitute is 99.9% If you think your hot others will too.

The "F" girl to the skinny girl is a big change, yes I see others treat me different, but I treat them and myself different also. I smile at the airline stewards instead of ignore or give a snotty look to (so she wont take notice that the seat belt wont fit)

Your pics show you are a beautiful girl, with what sounds like great style, sounds like you say you have alot going for you looks, friends, an active lifestyle, BUT...

do you KNOW these things about yourself? until you do how do you expect others to?

PS to all those skinny girls you mention- this is the bitch coming out- have you noticed they have something "not perfect" big nose, ugly hair, bad clothes style, wierd lips- something no one is perfect and you are on the right road.

Heads up good luck!

No I dont see that Mary-Kate is too skinny...She is just naturally thin....She looks fine to me???? Is that wrong?????? Im not just saying that either, I really dont think there is anything wrong with her.

Also, I am 5'2'', Im pretty short, I have small hands and feet (I buy from the kids side most of the time)....and also my wrists are so small I can wrap my small fingers around them....I know I am meant to be pretty skinny.....My hip will never allow me to be anything smaller than a 6, but thats ok, atleast I can shop with my friends. Right now I need to lose 60-70 more lbs.....Im 19 years old, I will be 20 in October. I just want to be like all my peers......

PS....If I can get the weight off,,,OOOOHH I have the biggest crush on this guy here at school....ooooohhhh my GOD he is freakin hot! If you want to see what he looks like, for real, go to my MySpace at myspace.com/jodiewarner06, he is the last person on my top list, and he left me a sexy comment at like 2 am this morning...............Im going to go work out now, because he works out, and he's hot, so If I work out and get Hot, maybe he will wanna hook up lol! Oh, Im so bad! I WANT HIM! lol

Here is Mary Kate Olsen from the recent Golden Globe awards. Bear in mind, she was trying to look her BEST in this photo. To me, she looks AWFUL...and definitely too skinny!

Holy shitcakes, that grrl looks like she's 55! And all her chest bones are sticking out! Ew....

No I dont see that Mary-Kate is too skinny...She is just naturally thin....She looks fine to me???? Is that wrong?????? Im not just saying that either, I really dont think there is anything wrong with her.

Jodie....MK Olsen is NOT "naturally thin". She has been treated for eating disorders off and on for years! There is nothing natural about that. And she's 20 years old but looks about 60 in the picture I posted. Notice her hair? What's left of it, that is.

I cannot imagine that you'd want to look like poor Mary Kate. Or that men would find her attractive.

No I dont see that Mary-Kate is too skinny...She is just naturally thin....She looks fine to me???? Is that wrong?????? Im not just saying that either, I really dont think there is anything wrong with her.

Grrlfriend, it seems to me that you have anorexia by association or second-hand anorexia. Mary-Kate Olsen looks like Nancy Reagan! She looks my age for gawd's sake! and I am 57 years old! Come to think of it, I have much more hair than she does.

Now, the reason that I said that you have anorexia by association is because it is evident that you don't see that that young woman looks like an antique.

What I would suggest you do as being in the way of a reality check is show the above photo of her to all your friends and ask them for their opinions. Do this without giving them any previous input from yourself. Let them walk into experiencing that photo cold, ask them what they think, record their impressions, and then let us know their responses. (Well, at least Green and Carlene, eh.)

The reason I ask you to do this is because the truth is that pretty well all young women suffer from self-loathing and hold a more or less distorted vision of what they actually look like. Yep, this means that even the babes think that they are dogs.

One of the most psychologically profound cartoons that Green has ever seen has a babe looking at a horny guy and saying, "well, I'll take off my clothes if you promise not to laugh at me."

This is how women feel. We do suffer from body dysmorphia to a greater or lesser extent. This is why beautiful young women starve themselves into skeletal freaks and still can look at themselves in a mirror and see themselves as being too fat.

And of course the thing that has both Carlene and myself in a flap is that although we view Mary-Kate as looking old, bony, hairless and dessicated when she is still only in her twenties you seem to be unable to see this.

And you know that we bandsters have our own big time body issues to deal with. Being a fatty is utterly horrible but shedding the protective coat of weight brings with it a separate set of issues.

You have shown yourself to be a very interesting individual through your posts on these boards. Though it is a fine thing that you have lost weight and you should continue on this road, do not allow yourself to become overly obsessed with this. There are some terrible unhappy skinny chicks and some very, very happy big grrls out there.

Green will mention her sister and her mother-in-law at this point. Both of these women were very, very beautiful when they were young. Both of them have suffered a lot of anxiety seeking to conserve this as they grew older. Personality, wit, intelligence, curiosity, and education age much better.

My advice to you is to keep on posting, have fun, keep on hanging with the gay guys (Green has always had a lot of gay friends), keep on learning, lose weight, travel as much as you can. If you like yourself and find your life interesting, others will, too.

*End of sermon, eh*

Yeah. Eww.

I think I've heard you say you don't have the money for a therapist right now. Does your school have a counselor on campus?

sausmas.bmp

Im pretty sure that we dont have a counselor on campus, and if we did, we would have to pay for it....and right now Im unemployed because Im too concerned about partying right now....atleast its the truth???? I would honestly rather go out drinking and dancing than sit at home and stuff my face at night....that way I get exercise and lower calories.....alcohol has cals, but not as much as everything I would put in my mouth if I was at home....I admit that I do believe that I have body dysmorphia issues....however, MK isnt on her death bed, and I really dont see the issue with this.....my friends are all thin, so they will say she's too thin to be healthy or whatever, but my mind perceives this 50/50 because half I think that they really think that, and the other half I think they are jealous because they are not that thin.....I know Im messed up......I need a fill, Ive been stuffing my face lately and Im gaining weight , and its depressing me..........but when Im not filled I want to eat, I get hungry, genuinely hungry! But when Im filled I get hungry once maybe twice a day, usually only once tho, then I will have a small snack before bed or something???? I begged them not to take my fill out, and they did it anyway, and Im very upset about it.....

I admit that I do believe that I have body dysmorphia issues....however, MK isnt on her death bed, and I really dont see the issue with this.....my friends are all thin, so they will say she's too thin to be healthy or whatever, but my mind perceives this 50/50 because half I think that they really think that, and the other half I think they are jealous because they are not that thin.....

What do you think? Too thin? Or not? Anyone else recognize her?

What do you think? Too thin? Or not? Anyone else recognize her?

Karen Carpenter, who died of a heart attack as a result of being anorexic