Hey all - it's a while since I posted (and I was a newbie anyway so I hadn't posted much). I told myself it was because my surgery was still so far away that it was better to step away from the board and obsessing too much... but in reality it's because I'm anxious because I haven't told my husband and I don't know how to start. The surgery is Feb 5th!

We have a few friends who have had the surgery and he is very negative and judgemental, critical and mocking. My main reason for getting it is PCOS - which causes weight gain as well as some other nasty side effects. My hormone levels are getting further and further away from where they should be, and the medications I was on are no longer working and are having a negative impact on my health. Honestly, the weight loss will be a bonus for me - it's resetting my hormones and becoming healthy again that I am most looking forward to. My BMI is "low" for this surgery at 36 - but I know that it will just get worse and worse so I should deal with it now while I am still relatively young. And he knows this - he has seen my struggle with awful hormonal conditions for 17 years. But all he ever says is that I need to work out more and eat better.

A few things come into play in our relationship:

1. He is 25 years older than me (which I didn't find out about until after we were engaged - he lied about his age).

2. He is an alcoholic (which I didn;t find out about until after we were married. He is a binge drinker and so was able to stay sober for the months we were engaged).

3. I have an Irish accent that people here in the US gravitate to, and he gets very jealous.

4. He is not overweight as such, but has a belly from drinking and being middle-aged that he has been trying to lose since I met him. He yo-yos a lot, and goes on extreme fasts and workouts to lose it, then gains it all back when he goes on a drinking binge. He always talks about this magical day in the future when he has lost his gut, and it never comes. It will irritate him beyond belief that this day will come for me.

These things make him very insecure, and while he gives me a hard time about my weight sometimes - I think he is very comfortable with me being fat as it means I am not going to leave him or be attractive to other men. He will be jealous of me. He might try to stop me getting the surgery.

I'm not being fanciful - back in 2013 I was due to have a breast reduction. My boobs were massive, always had been even when I was 112 lbs. He supported my decision, wanted me to get the surgery... then he wen on a drinking binge the week before and I caught him trying to get my insurance cancelled so I couldn't have the op. When that didn't work he tried to call the hospital and cancel it - of course they wouldn't let him. When he sobered up he was mortified and bent over backwards to be supportive when I had the op - but it happened, and I am wary. To that end I am not telling him until after this Friday, as that is the end date for open enrollment on our insurance plan. I have gotten more savvy as time goes on!

Please don't be lecturing me or telling me to leave. I know what the situation is, I know what I can deal with, and I have a plan. The only place I would want to go if I left would be home to Ireland, and that can't happen until my daughter is 16 - so I have 4.5 years to squirrel away money and position myself. I have a comfortable lifestyle, and it suits me to stay. I gave up everything to move here and be with him, and I figure I'm owed and would rather be comfortable until I can leave. If we divorced some other woman would move in and get what I'm owed - there is a shortage of men around here, esp men with good jobs. And honestly (don't judge me) - he is a 67 year old chronic alcoholic. He could pass away in the next 4.5 years and me and the kids would be pretty set.

He doesn't bother me, we live pretty independently, there is no animosity, I have my own bedroom, and I pretty much do my own thing (like going home to Ireland for 6 weeks every summer). I have gone to all my weigh ins and pre-op appts without him even being in the slightest bit aware - that's how separate our lives tend to be.

How do I start this conversation? He is smart and educated, but very judgemental. He is a therapist (haha, I know) who has had clients who have had the surgery and not done well. But they were a lot heavier than me, smokers and substance abusers, with severe mental health problems. I have read a lot and plan to make a note of all the benefits. I have some articles to show him - but I know he won't read them (he has a very short attention span and I've never seen him read a whole article never mind a book).

I plan to ask him why he doesn't want me to have it - I know that "you could die" will be the only real thing he'll have to say - but I have a medical report showing that the mortality rate for sleeve surgery is 0.08%. He can't really say "because I'm jealous" as that isn't a valid argument.

If he says it is the easy way out or the lazy way out I can cite facts to show him how it isn't - but even if it was... so what? So what if it was the easy way out it gets my health back on track and me feeling better? I mean, when I was having kids it was all epidural vs. med free and breast milk vs. formula. We all made our own choices, but in hindsight it didn't matter as long as the outcome was the same: a healthy baby.

I'm trying to anticipate other things he might say, or stuff I should have prepped in advance. Everyone else I have told has been very supportive - my mum, two daughters, close friends. I know 4 people in my immediate circle who have had it and have asked a lot of questions.

I guess my fear is that he will try to stop it somehow - I don't expect any support, but I don't want to blindside him by telling him afterwards. I don't plan on telling him my Dr's name or the hospital I'll be at, just in case. I'm very averse to confrontation and hate having hard conversations. I'm not scared of him - he isn't physically or emotionally threatening in any way, but I am scared to bring it up. Can't put my finger on why exactly.

Thanks for listening to my ramble - I guess I'm just anxious, and I really could do without it because I am a natural worrier as it is!

Out of surgery amd it went !ell.

I knew you could do it. Now, you can take on the rest of the STUFF that comes your way. You Go Girl!

Congrats!

On 02/05/2019 at 14:25, Boldilocks said:

Out of surgery amd it went !ell.

Yay!!! Sorry I didn’t weigh in earlier on this convo as I just found it a minute ago! Gotta tell you, it was the best suspense story I’ve read in quite awhile! So proud of your strength and perseverance! And kudos to your daughter (she seems to have a bit of her moms strength). So glad the surgery went well and I pray for a peaceful recovery.

3 hours ago, Boldilocks said:

Out of surgery amd it went !ell.

Ahhhh PUI (Posting Under the Influence) Good times!

Jazz hands!

Congrats to you! Have you heard from your hub or kiddos? Are the girls ok?

Glad surgery went well and you did this for YOU. Update? How did he take it?

We all are interested in how your husband is going to react. Congratulations!

I do not know you, and the chances are slim that I ever will. But if we meet, I will give you the biggest hug imaginable. I hope you are doing fine and everything works out well. Wishing you all the luck and wisdom in the world
Greetings from the other side of the planet

You are the proof the Irish are never vanquished, many have tried, none have succeeded. From another Celtic Maiden , albeit several generations removed. I am very very proud to know you, even through this limited media we use. Like my Dutch Bari- Pal Sapphires I too will hug you if ever we meet, the difference? I'll dance an Irish Jig with you as well.????

And once again my Evil Spell- Correct has done it, this time to Xapphirea's name. Very unusual name but rather pretty.???

Congratulations and welcome to the Losers Bench!

Wow what a story! ?? ? I had to read it all the way to the end. What us women have to go though still this time and age. My mom was the same way, strong and determined and that was back in the 70's when Divorce was a bad word. Wish you well and you have come to the right place to let off stream, and get support. God Bless.

Lord I need an update on this. O_O Congrats and God bless for going through with this surgery and doing what you know is best for you!

What was your husbands reaction when you told him? How is it going? Updates please !!

What a story you have. You are a strong and amazing lady. I'm sorry your situation is what it is, but I love your statement of all the good things that came from marrying him. Your daughters and business.

I hope your recovery is swift. I'm glad surgery went well.

I hope you’re doing well....can’t wait to hear how everything turned out. I had a sleeve 3 years ago, and will be having a revision to the rny in the coming months. I’d love to be buddies! Message me! ?