Hey all - it's a while since I posted (and I was a newbie anyway so I hadn't posted much). I told myself it was because my surgery was still so far away that it was better to step away from the board and obsessing too much... but in reality it's because I'm anxious because I haven't told my husband and I don't know how to start. The surgery is Feb 5th!

We have a few friends who have had the surgery and he is very negative and judgemental, critical and mocking. My main reason for getting it is PCOS - which causes weight gain as well as some other nasty side effects. My hormone levels are getting further and further away from where they should be, and the medications I was on are no longer working and are having a negative impact on my health. Honestly, the weight loss will be a bonus for me - it's resetting my hormones and becoming healthy again that I am most looking forward to. My BMI is "low" for this surgery at 36 - but I know that it will just get worse and worse so I should deal with it now while I am still relatively young. And he knows this - he has seen my struggle with awful hormonal conditions for 17 years. But all he ever says is that I need to work out more and eat better.

A few things come into play in our relationship:

1. He is 25 years older than me (which I didn't find out about until after we were engaged - he lied about his age).

2. He is an alcoholic (which I didn;t find out about until after we were married. He is a binge drinker and so was able to stay sober for the months we were engaged).

3. I have an Irish accent that people here in the US gravitate to, and he gets very jealous.

4. He is not overweight as such, but has a belly from drinking and being middle-aged that he has been trying to lose since I met him. He yo-yos a lot, and goes on extreme fasts and workouts to lose it, then gains it all back when he goes on a drinking binge. He always talks about this magical day in the future when he has lost his gut, and it never comes. It will irritate him beyond belief that this day will come for me.

These things make him very insecure, and while he gives me a hard time about my weight sometimes - I think he is very comfortable with me being fat as it means I am not going to leave him or be attractive to other men. He will be jealous of me. He might try to stop me getting the surgery.

I'm not being fanciful - back in 2013 I was due to have a breast reduction. My boobs were massive, always had been even when I was 112 lbs. He supported my decision, wanted me to get the surgery... then he wen on a drinking binge the week before and I caught him trying to get my insurance cancelled so I couldn't have the op. When that didn't work he tried to call the hospital and cancel it - of course they wouldn't let him. When he sobered up he was mortified and bent over backwards to be supportive when I had the op - but it happened, and I am wary. To that end I am not telling him until after this Friday, as that is the end date for open enrollment on our insurance plan. I have gotten more savvy as time goes on!

Please don't be lecturing me or telling me to leave. I know what the situation is, I know what I can deal with, and I have a plan. The only place I would want to go if I left would be home to Ireland, and that can't happen until my daughter is 16 - so I have 4.5 years to squirrel away money and position myself. I have a comfortable lifestyle, and it suits me to stay. I gave up everything to move here and be with him, and I figure I'm owed and would rather be comfortable until I can leave. If we divorced some other woman would move in and get what I'm owed - there is a shortage of men around here, esp men with good jobs. And honestly (don't judge me) - he is a 67 year old chronic alcoholic. He could pass away in the next 4.5 years and me and the kids would be pretty set.

He doesn't bother me, we live pretty independently, there is no animosity, I have my own bedroom, and I pretty much do my own thing (like going home to Ireland for 6 weeks every summer). I have gone to all my weigh ins and pre-op appts without him even being in the slightest bit aware - that's how separate our lives tend to be.

How do I start this conversation? He is smart and educated, but very judgemental. He is a therapist (haha, I know) who has had clients who have had the surgery and not done well. But they were a lot heavier than me, smokers and substance abusers, with severe mental health problems. I have read a lot and plan to make a note of all the benefits. I have some articles to show him - but I know he won't read them (he has a very short attention span and I've never seen him read a whole article never mind a book).

I plan to ask him why he doesn't want me to have it - I know that "you could die" will be the only real thing he'll have to say - but I have a medical report showing that the mortality rate for sleeve surgery is 0.08%. He can't really say "because I'm jealous" as that isn't a valid argument.

If he says it is the easy way out or the lazy way out I can cite facts to show him how it isn't - but even if it was... so what? So what if it was the easy way out it gets my health back on track and me feeling better? I mean, when I was having kids it was all epidural vs. med free and breast milk vs. formula. We all made our own choices, but in hindsight it didn't matter as long as the outcome was the same: a healthy baby.

I'm trying to anticipate other things he might say, or stuff I should have prepped in advance. Everyone else I have told has been very supportive - my mum, two daughters, close friends. I know 4 people in my immediate circle who have had it and have asked a lot of questions.

I guess my fear is that he will try to stop it somehow - I don't expect any support, but I don't want to blindside him by telling him afterwards. I don't plan on telling him my Dr's name or the hospital I'll be at, just in case. I'm very averse to confrontation and hate having hard conversations. I'm not scared of him - he isn't physically or emotionally threatening in any way, but I am scared to bring it up. Can't put my finger on why exactly.

Thanks for listening to my ramble - I guess I'm just anxious, and I really could do without it because I am a natural worrier as it is!

Yes that is correct only Tylenol. Snip Snip Snip water that is all for a couple of days. Even warm broth or tea if you can not handle the cold/warm water. Plus keep moving, walking believe me the more you do the more the gas pain will come out. Try every hour to walk around the house 3 times. You can do this!!!!! So happy Hubby is going with you on this as of today. Just keep thinking of where you what to be in a year with your weight. Hugs and kisses

On 02/07/2019 at 21:24, Boldilocks said:

He just said to use Tylenol, and that in 15 years of practice he had never had anyone need more than that. Then he said that if I wanted to, I could alternate with Ibuprofen. I said that I thought I wasn't supposed to take that, and he said that I could take it if he said it was ok to take it.

It's fine when I'm still - but it's when I try to turn over in bed, or go from sitting to standing or sitting to lying that it hurts. It's not just the incision sites, but it feels like a clamp around my diaphragm and I can't breathe deeply. To be honest, it feels just like when I had my c-sections - and I was given meds for those!

It never occured to me that I'd have a major organ extracted and not receive pain meds.

I had to use a dining room chair with arms next to me the first 4/5 days to help push myself up to a sitting position. It was similar to having the sides of the hospital bed to help push up. And since you mentioned csection im sure you’re using a small pillow when you cough or sneeze. I hope the drugs your Dr ok’d are bringing you some relief

7 hours ago, FluffyChix said:

Glad the narcissist pretended to be human and go with the plan with so many eyes watching him hubs was supportive!

Oh don't worry - I'm on to any of that. Right now it behooves me to receive his overtures as genuine as they are private, not public, and I benefit. But I'm always ready to shut any of his bullshit down!

I have definitely been up and moving a lot, as well as taking my gas-ex, and getting in more than 64 oz of fluids a day. I am typically a slow healer from surgery, and I've been here before. There has been research to show that redheads with pale skin do need more medication - it's been true for me with past surgeries and at the dentist.

But if my Dr doesn't believe me, there isn't much I can do. If I was drug-seeking, I could think of easier ways to do it than go through an intensive 6 month programme and then have a major organ cut out...

1 hour ago, Boldilocks said:

I have definitely been up and moving a lot, as well as taking my gas-ex, and getting in more than 64 oz of fluids a day. I am typically a slow healer from surgery, and I've been here before. There has been research to show that redheads with pale skin do need more medication - it's been true for me with past surgeries and at the dentist.

But if my Dr doesn't believe me, there isn't much I can do. If I was drug-seeking, I could think of easier ways to do it than go through an intensive 6 month programme and then have a major organ cut out...

Wow you getting in 64 oz. I still can’t get that much in

1 hour ago, Liz The New Me said:

Wow you getting in 64 oz. I still can’t get that much in

Yeah - pretty easily in fact. I know that it'll be when I eat food that I'll feel restriction, but it is a little worrying that I seem to be able to glug fluids back without any problems.

Boldilocks first of all congrats with your surgery and glad that your husband has seen the light. I also have had a really easy time with fluids but my difficulties started with solid food. Everyone reacts so differently at the various stages. Good luck and hope your husband keep up the positive attitude!

Exactly what bodycando said! I was constantly comparing my ability to consume drinks with no problems and then the purées/yogurts at the next phase to others. I was convinced my surgeon left too large of a pouch. He convinced me everyone is different and the food stage would prove different. And it has. (I was sleeved 1/21)

19 hours ago, Boldilocks said:

more than 64 oz of fluids a day.

@Boldilocks

wow, that's great - many OP have trouble drinking water. in my case i was told not to

gulp for awhile (don't remember how long) double check with your NUT/doc, about "gulping",

see what they say about drinking

a few aches and pains, here and there do happen to some. I agree with OP that not

giving you strong drugs was crazy!! (i'd like to see dr as a patient in pain, being told

that he couldn't have more meds!)

you deserve a hugeeeee pat on your back for standing up for yourself, having the WLS

despite what husbands thoughts might have been. Kudos

glad/surprised that hubby has been understanding and supportive. you are going through a

specially hard time PO. Hope he will continue to change his tune. But i agree to be wary -

whatever time period he is helpful, be grateful!!

good luck with your new sleeve

kathy

good luck

Good luck to you hon~ It sounds like you've put time and energy into all of this, and will do what is right for you and your life. I hope that you have good friends and maybe some decent support on line here (or elsewhere) that will see you through the rough spots. It is always difficult for one person in a relationship to go through this type of surgery while the partner does not. Whether they know and are supportive or they don't or aren't supportive. It's such a complete lifestyle change and it sounds like you're a strong woman who can do this with or without his support and of course you recognize the potential pitfalls and bad reactions you may encounter. I wish for you a successful surgery and recovery, and many years of health added to your life.