Hey all - it's a while since I posted (and I was a newbie anyway so I hadn't posted much). I told myself it was because my surgery was still so far away that it was better to step away from the board and obsessing too much... but in reality it's because I'm anxious because I haven't told my husband and I don't know how to start. The surgery is Feb 5th!

We have a few friends who have had the surgery and he is very negative and judgemental, critical and mocking. My main reason for getting it is PCOS - which causes weight gain as well as some other nasty side effects. My hormone levels are getting further and further away from where they should be, and the medications I was on are no longer working and are having a negative impact on my health. Honestly, the weight loss will be a bonus for me - it's resetting my hormones and becoming healthy again that I am most looking forward to. My BMI is "low" for this surgery at 36 - but I know that it will just get worse and worse so I should deal with it now while I am still relatively young. And he knows this - he has seen my struggle with awful hormonal conditions for 17 years. But all he ever says is that I need to work out more and eat better.

A few things come into play in our relationship:

1. He is 25 years older than me (which I didn't find out about until after we were engaged - he lied about his age).

2. He is an alcoholic (which I didn;t find out about until after we were married. He is a binge drinker and so was able to stay sober for the months we were engaged).

3. I have an Irish accent that people here in the US gravitate to, and he gets very jealous.

4. He is not overweight as such, but has a belly from drinking and being middle-aged that he has been trying to lose since I met him. He yo-yos a lot, and goes on extreme fasts and workouts to lose it, then gains it all back when he goes on a drinking binge. He always talks about this magical day in the future when he has lost his gut, and it never comes. It will irritate him beyond belief that this day will come for me.

These things make him very insecure, and while he gives me a hard time about my weight sometimes - I think he is very comfortable with me being fat as it means I am not going to leave him or be attractive to other men. He will be jealous of me. He might try to stop me getting the surgery.

I'm not being fanciful - back in 2013 I was due to have a breast reduction. My boobs were massive, always had been even when I was 112 lbs. He supported my decision, wanted me to get the surgery... then he wen on a drinking binge the week before and I caught him trying to get my insurance cancelled so I couldn't have the op. When that didn't work he tried to call the hospital and cancel it - of course they wouldn't let him. When he sobered up he was mortified and bent over backwards to be supportive when I had the op - but it happened, and I am wary. To that end I am not telling him until after this Friday, as that is the end date for open enrollment on our insurance plan. I have gotten more savvy as time goes on!

Please don't be lecturing me or telling me to leave. I know what the situation is, I know what I can deal with, and I have a plan. The only place I would want to go if I left would be home to Ireland, and that can't happen until my daughter is 16 - so I have 4.5 years to squirrel away money and position myself. I have a comfortable lifestyle, and it suits me to stay. I gave up everything to move here and be with him, and I figure I'm owed and would rather be comfortable until I can leave. If we divorced some other woman would move in and get what I'm owed - there is a shortage of men around here, esp men with good jobs. And honestly (don't judge me) - he is a 67 year old chronic alcoholic. He could pass away in the next 4.5 years and me and the kids would be pretty set.

He doesn't bother me, we live pretty independently, there is no animosity, I have my own bedroom, and I pretty much do my own thing (like going home to Ireland for 6 weeks every summer). I have gone to all my weigh ins and pre-op appts without him even being in the slightest bit aware - that's how separate our lives tend to be.

How do I start this conversation? He is smart and educated, but very judgemental. He is a therapist (haha, I know) who has had clients who have had the surgery and not done well. But they were a lot heavier than me, smokers and substance abusers, with severe mental health problems. I have read a lot and plan to make a note of all the benefits. I have some articles to show him - but I know he won't read them (he has a very short attention span and I've never seen him read a whole article never mind a book).

I plan to ask him why he doesn't want me to have it - I know that "you could die" will be the only real thing he'll have to say - but I have a medical report showing that the mortality rate for sleeve surgery is 0.08%. He can't really say "because I'm jealous" as that isn't a valid argument.

If he says it is the easy way out or the lazy way out I can cite facts to show him how it isn't - but even if it was... so what? So what if it was the easy way out it gets my health back on track and me feeling better? I mean, when I was having kids it was all epidural vs. med free and breast milk vs. formula. We all made our own choices, but in hindsight it didn't matter as long as the outcome was the same: a healthy baby.

I'm trying to anticipate other things he might say, or stuff I should have prepped in advance. Everyone else I have told has been very supportive - my mum, two daughters, close friends. I know 4 people in my immediate circle who have had it and have asked a lot of questions.

I guess my fear is that he will try to stop it somehow - I don't expect any support, but I don't want to blindside him by telling him afterwards. I don't plan on telling him my Dr's name or the hospital I'll be at, just in case. I'm very averse to confrontation and hate having hard conversations. I'm not scared of him - he isn't physically or emotionally threatening in any way, but I am scared to bring it up. Can't put my finger on why exactly.

Thanks for listening to my ramble - I guess I'm just anxious, and I really could do without it because I am a natural worrier as it is!

Hey Girl, I've read your story and fully understand. My husband is similar in that he would be scared of something happening to me. So we would have a huge argument, and I'd go anyway feeling bad. However, my advice, not that you asked. Do Not tell him. I know the letter came and all that, he cant stop that part of it, but you should not go into surgery after a huge confrontation with him. Do yourself a favor and go through the surgery with happy thoughts.
My vsg date is April 30, 2019. I will not be telling my husband for just that reason. No arguments, pleasant procedure. It's all about Me! I wish you the best in whatever you decide.

Proud of you regardless. You made this decision for you, and only you! You seem strong, and can manage. When the weight starts falling off, your confidence will be sky high and you will be on a high.

Thinking of you!

Just wanted to update:

It's the night before - still haven't told him.

I might try before I go to bed, but if I don't my plan is all in place.

I printed out a whole packet for him - a letter from me with my reasons for doing it and not telling him, a NY Times article stating all the health benefits, an article from the American Society for Metabolic & Bariatric surgery citing the safety statistics, a blog article from someone about the process of deciding to get it and how we want family members to react, a graphic showing all the health benefits, and a short article about this surgery and its benefits for PCOS specifically.

I will leave the packert for him to see when he gets home from work tomorrow, and I will write a text beforehand to him, and schedule it to send during surgery to briefly say I'm there, what I had done, could he read the stuff I left him and bring the kids to see me.

The kids are ready to kick up a stink if he won't bring them. The eldest says she's going to tell him that she'll have to see the school counsellor about it because she's so upset, and tell her that her dad won't take her to see her mum in hospital, LOL. I should clarify - my husband is a therapist himself (I know, I know - huge LOL), so he hates the idea of them talking to other therapists and making him look bad.

My best friend messaged me yesterday and told me that she has taken the day off work and would be here at 5.30am to take me to the hospital. I am very blessed in my friends and my kids.

I'm a bag of nerves now. Have my bag all packed and am about to take a shower.

Just wanted to update:
It's the night before - still haven't told him.
I might try before I go to bed, but if I don't my plan is all in place.
I printed out a whole packet for him - a letter from me with my reasons for doing it and not telling him, a NY Times article stating all the health benefits, an article from the American Society for Metabolic & Bariatric surgery citing the safety statistics, a blog article from someone about the process of deciding to get it and how we want family members to react, a graphic showing all the health benefits, and a short article about this surgery and its benefits for PCOS specifically.
I will leave the packert for him to see when he gets home from work tomorrow, and I will write a text beforehand to him, and schedule it to send during surgery to briefly say I'm there, what I had done, could he read the stuff I left him and bring the kids to see me.
The kids are ready to kick up a stink if he won't bring them. The eldest says she's going to tell him that she'll have to see the school counsellor about it because she's so upset, and tell her that her dad won't take her to see her mum in hospital, LOL. I should clarify - my husband is a therapist himself (I know, I know - huge LOL), so he hates the idea of them talking to other therapists and making him look bad.
My best friend messaged me yesterday and told me that she has taken the day off work and would be here at 5.30am to take me to the hospital. I am very blessed in my friends and my kids.
I'm a bag of nerves now. Have my bag all packed and am about to take a shower.

You will be fine. He will too. I wish you the best. I'm looking forward to hearing form you when you return. Happy Surgery Day!

Good luck tomorrow, it’s what’s best for your long term health & children but do it for you mainly.im glad ur friend is helping you. Also hoping your husband doesn’t work at same hospital & try stopping surgery..everything will work out & get surgery done & within several days you’ll notice a difference..

Oh my God, I don't know you and I want to be your best friend. I want to drive to NY and bring you home!!

I remember 10 years ago getting up the nerve to tell my husband I wanted a lap band. It was terrifying and I had none of the relationship issues y'all have.

Please post often and let us know how you are doing, and if there's anything I can do to help.

Prayers for you today.

Thank you all so much. I feel very supported here.

Am at the hospital now - just getting ready to do my IV.

Thank you all so much. I feel very supported here.
Am at the hospital now - just getting ready to do my IV.

You got this!

Congrats on being on the losers bench.

Prayers for you today! Keep us updated!

Prayers for you today. YOU GOT THIS!

Congrats on your surgery!

Out of surgery amd it went !ell.

Congratulations & welcome to losers bench.. new beginnings ahead.