Hey all - it's a while since I posted (and I was a newbie anyway so I hadn't posted much). I told myself it was because my surgery was still so far away that it was better to step away from the board and obsessing too much... but in reality it's because I'm anxious because I haven't told my husband and I don't know how to start. The surgery is Feb 5th!

We have a few friends who have had the surgery and he is very negative and judgemental, critical and mocking. My main reason for getting it is PCOS - which causes weight gain as well as some other nasty side effects. My hormone levels are getting further and further away from where they should be, and the medications I was on are no longer working and are having a negative impact on my health. Honestly, the weight loss will be a bonus for me - it's resetting my hormones and becoming healthy again that I am most looking forward to. My BMI is "low" for this surgery at 36 - but I know that it will just get worse and worse so I should deal with it now while I am still relatively young. And he knows this - he has seen my struggle with awful hormonal conditions for 17 years. But all he ever says is that I need to work out more and eat better.

A few things come into play in our relationship:

1. He is 25 years older than me (which I didn't find out about until after we were engaged - he lied about his age).

2. He is an alcoholic (which I didn;t find out about until after we were married. He is a binge drinker and so was able to stay sober for the months we were engaged).

3. I have an Irish accent that people here in the US gravitate to, and he gets very jealous.

4. He is not overweight as such, but has a belly from drinking and being middle-aged that he has been trying to lose since I met him. He yo-yos a lot, and goes on extreme fasts and workouts to lose it, then gains it all back when he goes on a drinking binge. He always talks about this magical day in the future when he has lost his gut, and it never comes. It will irritate him beyond belief that this day will come for me.

These things make him very insecure, and while he gives me a hard time about my weight sometimes - I think he is very comfortable with me being fat as it means I am not going to leave him or be attractive to other men. He will be jealous of me. He might try to stop me getting the surgery.

I'm not being fanciful - back in 2013 I was due to have a breast reduction. My boobs were massive, always had been even when I was 112 lbs. He supported my decision, wanted me to get the surgery... then he wen on a drinking binge the week before and I caught him trying to get my insurance cancelled so I couldn't have the op. When that didn't work he tried to call the hospital and cancel it - of course they wouldn't let him. When he sobered up he was mortified and bent over backwards to be supportive when I had the op - but it happened, and I am wary. To that end I am not telling him until after this Friday, as that is the end date for open enrollment on our insurance plan. I have gotten more savvy as time goes on!

Please don't be lecturing me or telling me to leave. I know what the situation is, I know what I can deal with, and I have a plan. The only place I would want to go if I left would be home to Ireland, and that can't happen until my daughter is 16 - so I have 4.5 years to squirrel away money and position myself. I have a comfortable lifestyle, and it suits me to stay. I gave up everything to move here and be with him, and I figure I'm owed and would rather be comfortable until I can leave. If we divorced some other woman would move in and get what I'm owed - there is a shortage of men around here, esp men with good jobs. And honestly (don't judge me) - he is a 67 year old chronic alcoholic. He could pass away in the next 4.5 years and me and the kids would be pretty set.

He doesn't bother me, we live pretty independently, there is no animosity, I have my own bedroom, and I pretty much do my own thing (like going home to Ireland for 6 weeks every summer). I have gone to all my weigh ins and pre-op appts without him even being in the slightest bit aware - that's how separate our lives tend to be.

How do I start this conversation? He is smart and educated, but very judgemental. He is a therapist (haha, I know) who has had clients who have had the surgery and not done well. But they were a lot heavier than me, smokers and substance abusers, with severe mental health problems. I have read a lot and plan to make a note of all the benefits. I have some articles to show him - but I know he won't read them (he has a very short attention span and I've never seen him read a whole article never mind a book).

I plan to ask him why he doesn't want me to have it - I know that "you could die" will be the only real thing he'll have to say - but I have a medical report showing that the mortality rate for sleeve surgery is 0.08%. He can't really say "because I'm jealous" as that isn't a valid argument.

If he says it is the easy way out or the lazy way out I can cite facts to show him how it isn't - but even if it was... so what? So what if it was the easy way out it gets my health back on track and me feeling better? I mean, when I was having kids it was all epidural vs. med free and breast milk vs. formula. We all made our own choices, but in hindsight it didn't matter as long as the outcome was the same: a healthy baby.

I'm trying to anticipate other things he might say, or stuff I should have prepped in advance. Everyone else I have told has been very supportive - my mum, two daughters, close friends. I know 4 people in my immediate circle who have had it and have asked a lot of questions.

I guess my fear is that he will try to stop it somehow - I don't expect any support, but I don't want to blindside him by telling him afterwards. I don't plan on telling him my Dr's name or the hospital I'll be at, just in case. I'm very averse to confrontation and hate having hard conversations. I'm not scared of him - he isn't physically or emotionally threatening in any way, but I am scared to bring it up. Can't put my finger on why exactly.

Thanks for listening to my ramble - I guess I'm just anxious, and I really could do without it because I am a natural worrier as it is!

Dang

@Boldilocks
let us know how you are doing once home. Hope all is well with you and your recovery and that your husband is supporting you.

Hi everyone - sorry, didn't mean to leave you all in suspense!

I got home last night and didn't have a good night and day with the pain. And my surgeon refused to give me any pain meds until my husband rang and gave him hard time. Then he gave me a 1 day script for Tramadol.

So, my husband. He surprised me. I sent him the text shortly after the surgery letting him know where I was and that I had left more info for him in the kitchen. He said that he understood why I had't told him, and that he didn't blame me. He was very supportive - but said that he probably wouldn't have been if he'd known beforehand.

He brought the girls to visit as soon as he got off work on Tuesday, and they stayed for 3 hours. He asked lots of questions and was reading some of the packet I left him.

He was there to pick me up right on time on Wednesday and said that he'd been up late reading up on it and wanted to know if I had a menu or anything he could look at so he could help. He brought Dunkin Donuts coffee and munchkins for the nurses like I asked, because they were so wonderful to me.

He called the out of hours doctor and got him to make my surgeon call back as I mentioned. He was really pissed they didn't give me better meds - I really was in a lot of pain. He has been supportive at the end, and that's good enough. He says that I definitely have made the right decision, and that I was very brave.

So happy to hear he was supportive!

Is your pain subsiding at all?

Aww happy endings are the best! The pain is temporary... I know it’s hard to think that way when you’re in the thick of it, but it will pass.

Glad it worked out!

Wow so glad to hear he is being supportive and that you are doing well!! But no pain meds?!? Why wouldn’t they give you any? My doctor wouldn’t let me leave the hospital without them! I couldn’t even imagine.

1 minute ago, sarar3 said:

Wow so glad to hear he is being supportive and that you are doing well!! But no pain meds?!? Why wouldn’t they give you any? My doctor wouldn’t let me leave the hospital without them! I couldn’t even imagine.

He just said to use Tylenol, and that in 15 years of practice he had never had anyone need more than that. Then he said that if I wanted to, I could alternate with Ibuprofen. I said that I thought I wasn't supposed to take that, and he said that I could take it if he said it was ok to take it.

It's fine when I'm still - but it's when I try to turn over in bed, or go from sitting to standing or sitting to lying that it hurts. It's not just the incision sites, but it feels like a clamp around my diaphragm and I can't breathe deeply. To be honest, it feels just like when I had my c-sections - and I was given meds for those!

It never occured to me that I'd have a major organ extracted and not receive pain meds.

Yes that doesn’t make sense especially with the ibuprofen I was told I can never have that again!!!
I know everyone says it and it’s hard to believe right now but it will get better soon. I’m only 6 weeks out myself I had gastric bypass on 12/24. It’s been a roller coaster for sure! I know a lot of people sleep in a recliner for awhile..I don’t have one but I have a tempurpedic adjustable bed which got me through those rough days! I don’t think I could have done it without those pain meds!!! Maybe your primary doctor would prescribe you some?

Boldilocks you've got me sniffling and smiling. Sniffling cause he actually came through for you at finals, smiling because your surgery is truly over and I am very proud of you. You were and are a very strong woman, and it is my pleasure to know you.???

Happy for husband finally supportive if this, unhappy with ur Dr & no pain meds, Wow but don’t take ibuprofen it can cause ulcers & ya don’t want them. Possibly try slowly walking & when finally getting a bowel movements you should feel better .

SWEET!!!!!!! I'm glad he's there now and knows how brave you really really are. The pain will subside. I'm told I can take ibuprofen as well, just make sure I have the probiotics with it so it doesn't make an ulcer. The pain will go away once you start moving and that gas leaves.

Glad to hear he is on board. I have a friend whose doc also does not provide pain meds. CRAZY. I had the ON-Q pain pump and it was AMAZING!

GO YOU! I'm so glad you did this!

I honestly used tylenol liquid (max dose) every 4-6 hours can't remember how soon you can take it each time, and used tramadol and neuronton at night. But I frankly didn't need it. They started me on that combination the evening of surgery. I only have big pain meds the first morning and afternoon. It's better/easier recovery the fewer narcotics you have in your system.

Glad the narcissist pretended to be human and go with the plan with so many eyes watching him hubs was supportive!