Have you ever read something posted by Tom, d**k, Harriet (or even - gulp - Jean McMillan) and wondered, "Why is she being so mean?"

Although I've felt that way myself, I have to admit I've offended others by being so outspoken (not just in the world of WLS, but in my "real" life too). Sometimes that kind of behavior is coming from a troll or a mentally imbalanced person (I've run across a few of those in 5 years on LBT and 5-1/2 years on another WLS site), and the best course of action then is to follow the simple (if difficult) advice my mom used to give me when my brother was picking on me: "If you'll just ignore him, he'll stop."

Sometimes that kind of behavior is coming from an otherwise normal person. I won't claim to be normal (whatever that is), but now that I'm out of the hospital, taking my medication as prescribed, and have been freed from my strait jacket, I'll give you some thoughts about what's really going on when someone's being mean and why it can be so hard to hear.

> Sometimes we need to hear things that make us uncomfortable. If no parent, teacher, boss, doctor, or other authority figure had ever corrected my errant behavior - if they had instead said, "It's OK, Jeannie, we understand why you hit your brother upside the head, and here's a baseball bat to use the next time" - I would never have learned the lessons I needed about getting along with other people. I might even be in jail by now. Or back at the funny farm for a forced vacation. The firm-but-caring approach is commonly known as tuff luv, and it's not meant to go down as smoothly and deliciously as a chocolate milkshake. It's meant to be astringent, sour or strong enough to get your attention fast and force you to pay attention to something you hadn't noticed before. Which can be something that's putting you, your band, your health, or your life in danger.

> Sometimes the "mean" person is reacting so strongly because the other person has said something that pushes their buttons. The underlying message (even if the mean one isn't conscious of it) is that inside, we share some tough stuff about our eating and weight. One of my hot buttons, for example, is the issue of personal responsibility, so when I see someone blaming their band for everything that's wrong in their life as well as the world's famines, wars, and plagues, my eyes start to bulge out of my head from the increased pressure of my brain, which is swellilng fiercely because I have to hold on so tight to my own reins of personal responsibility. I'm reacting this way because I see myself in the other person, and I don't like what I see. Should I act mean because of that? Of course not. Am I human for acting that way? Absolutely.

> Sometimes the "mean" person has the best intentions in the world, but his or her advice comes across too loudly or too harshly because of what I call the New Convert Syndrome. A friend of mine who's a smoker once told me that people who have just quit smoking are now on fire with the conviction that no one should smoke and complain the loudest when someone else smokes in their presence. This also can happen with people who've undergone a sudden or very recent religious conversion. That kind of life change tends to be surrounded by very strong emotions, and those emotions compel the convert to speak at length and with a great deal of single-minded enthusiasm about their new religion. I started going through that about 3-4 months after my band surgery and it lasted about 18 months after that. Then my inner fire changed from leaping flames to warm embers, and I was probably a lot easier to get along with then.

None of the above may apply to you. If that's the case, I suggest that you follow some classic 12-step advice after reading this or any other post on LBT: take what you need, and leave the rest.

Thank you all for your attention. I must now return to the regularly scheduled program, which consists of me letting our 9 dogs in and out, in and out, in and out, all day long.

Jean

I agree with you Jean. I know for myself I am so passionate about the band and my journey that it sometimes comes across as harsh.

Thanks for the insite.

groovy post jeannie

you remain as always, my guiding star.

Great post Jean! Thank you again for giving all of us food for thought.

Agreed. I dont think anyone is just down right mean they just have a desire for eveyone to do with their band what it was meant to do. Sometimes we all need a swift kick whether we like it or not. Great post Jean.

I agree Jean....thanks for the read !!!

Great one Jean and you are so right sometimes the struggle or the great victory just flys out of my mouth to any pair of ears around....and I am one of those 2 yrs non smoker and in love with my band so u can picture the mess I can be lol...No one plans to be mean to someone else then you wonder if it is "all about the speaker" or "all about the listener."....food or rather no food for thought there

Very true. We all have raw nerves when it comes to something so someone may totally not mean to offend but does. It's hard. This is a personal journey that is different for each person.

Point well taken Ms Jean.... I don't mean to be a (you know what) it just kind of happens sometimes. I know my faults and I truly don't want to offend anyone... It's the way i have always been.... but i'm more critical with myself than anyone else...

But on the other hand, if you want know the truth... Like does this dress make me look fat.... don't ask me unless you really want to know the truth.

I've just always believed that it's easier to keep up with the truth.... than a lie..

.....how i see it.......if i was crossing a bridge that would collapse, i would hope someone advises me against me going on across it anyhow.......and if i do, then its on me...

like with on this forum..and people (advising others)

the ones who are the most upset are the ones who choose to keep walking..

Great post!

Thanks Jean, your posts are always so well written. My dad and I have had issues regarding my weight and food choices. It's been an issue all my life. Unfortunately he has never been helpfull in this regard, as much as I know he wants to be. He just comes off as judgemental/critical and embarresses me. We've talked recently and it's been a lot better. I think he understands I need him to be neutral on the subject. Anyway, he has battled weight, drinking, gambling and it's true, people that quit a bad habit can be difficult to deal with. I know his comments are out of love and concern but that doesn't change the way they come accross and make me feel. It's funny, my mom talks with me about it and it's so different. I think maybe she talked to my dad. Thanks for the post!

My philosophy has always been, "Don't ask me for my opinion unless you really want to hear it". Now that doesn't mean that I don't try to be judicious in my telling of it, but it does mean (like bayou says) if you ask if that dress makes you look fat and it does....I will tell you.

Good Post Jean!

Good post. I see where you're coming from. Constructive criticism makes us better. It is motivation. I appreciate my friends who care enough about me to be honest with me. Of course, there are those people out there with less than good intentions. People who are negative, or threatened by the success of others. But I find even if something is not delivered in the right way, you can usually find SOMETHING useful there and take it for what it is. Being a prisoner to every comment someone makes about you, your decisions, or your body is no way to live.

It's the way i have always been.... but i'm more critical with myself than anyone else...

Me, too. I think that's true of a lot of obese people, because we've been seeing, hearing, and feeling criticism from others for a long time, and because we tend to handle that stuff by eating rather than by reacting with anger.

Wonderful words from a wonderful lady!