Have you ever read something posted by Tom, d**k, Harriet (or even - gulp - Jean McMillan) and wondered, "Why is she being so mean?"

Although I've felt that way myself, I have to admit I've offended others by being so outspoken (not just in the world of WLS, but in my "real" life too). Sometimes that kind of behavior is coming from a troll or a mentally imbalanced person (I've run across a few of those in 5 years on LBT and 5-1/2 years on another WLS site), and the best course of action then is to follow the simple (if difficult) advice my mom used to give me when my brother was picking on me: "If you'll just ignore him, he'll stop."

Sometimes that kind of behavior is coming from an otherwise normal person. I won't claim to be normal (whatever that is), but now that I'm out of the hospital, taking my medication as prescribed, and have been freed from my strait jacket, I'll give you some thoughts about what's really going on when someone's being mean and why it can be so hard to hear.

> Sometimes we need to hear things that make us uncomfortable. If no parent, teacher, boss, doctor, or other authority figure had ever corrected my errant behavior - if they had instead said, "It's OK, Jeannie, we understand why you hit your brother upside the head, and here's a baseball bat to use the next time" - I would never have learned the lessons I needed about getting along with other people. I might even be in jail by now. Or back at the funny farm for a forced vacation. The firm-but-caring approach is commonly known as tuff luv, and it's not meant to go down as smoothly and deliciously as a chocolate milkshake. It's meant to be astringent, sour or strong enough to get your attention fast and force you to pay attention to something you hadn't noticed before. Which can be something that's putting you, your band, your health, or your life in danger.

> Sometimes the "mean" person is reacting so strongly because the other person has said something that pushes their buttons. The underlying message (even if the mean one isn't conscious of it) is that inside, we share some tough stuff about our eating and weight. One of my hot buttons, for example, is the issue of personal responsibility, so when I see someone blaming their band for everything that's wrong in their life as well as the world's famines, wars, and plagues, my eyes start to bulge out of my head from the increased pressure of my brain, which is swellilng fiercely because I have to hold on so tight to my own reins of personal responsibility. I'm reacting this way because I see myself in the other person, and I don't like what I see. Should I act mean because of that? Of course not. Am I human for acting that way? Absolutely.

> Sometimes the "mean" person has the best intentions in the world, but his or her advice comes across too loudly or too harshly because of what I call the New Convert Syndrome. A friend of mine who's a smoker once told me that people who have just quit smoking are now on fire with the conviction that no one should smoke and complain the loudest when someone else smokes in their presence. This also can happen with people who've undergone a sudden or very recent religious conversion. That kind of life change tends to be surrounded by very strong emotions, and those emotions compel the convert to speak at length and with a great deal of single-minded enthusiasm about their new religion. I started going through that about 3-4 months after my band surgery and it lasted about 18 months after that. Then my inner fire changed from leaping flames to warm embers, and I was probably a lot easier to get along with then.

None of the above may apply to you. If that's the case, I suggest that you follow some classic 12-step advice after reading this or any other post on LBT: take what you need, and leave the rest.

Thank you all for your attention. I must now return to the regularly scheduled program, which consists of me letting our 9 dogs in and out, in and out, in and out, all day long.

Jean

Being a prisoner to every comment someone makes about you, your decisions, or your body is no way to live.

You are so right!

I'm a newbie but I will say that I do suffer from Bipolar 1 disorder. The meds are a partial cause of my weight gain. And I too was forced to take that little vacation a few years ago. I am not allowed to answer the phone at work,as I am told that I am rude to clients. I have very strong feelings about the things most important to me and I have only been banded two weeks now and someone is already trying to jeopardize my success out of pure jealousy.....I just have to keep in mind it's just jealousy.

I totally agree with your post and I'm one of those people that if I ask for advice I want the truth not answers wrapped in cotton balls but that being said when it comes to online forums, not just this one, I think we need to be careful how we respond at times because we don't know the person or their mental state. Sometimes a person can be so depressed that one wrong word or reply can send them over the edge. It's hard to read the tone sometimes and words can come across as harsh but not intended that way.

I know personally I can never be rude when responding to posts in forums, I am honest but I'm careful with my words in case the person takes them to heart which can at times do more damage. We aren't all the same mentally or emotionally, some of us are stronger than others, some of us have been through a lot which can either make us stronger or weaker.

I know from personal experience when I was in full blown depression mode my friends that were tough but not rude are the ones that made a positive impact on me and because of them I climbed out of that dark abyss I lived in for a few years. The ones that just said things for the sake of babbling are the ones that are no longer in my life and good riddance to them. Those are the ones that made me feel worse about my depression.

So I say to all when you type a response online whether it be this forum or other forums reread your posts a few times and be mindful of the words we choose to respond with.

Firm advice goes a lot further than rude advice.

I totally agree,I would never be rude or mean on a forum or text because you never know what that person is feeling in the moment. I personally have had many days ruined by someone that at the time I was in a fragile state and took it to heart

I totally agree,I would never be rude or mean on a forum or text because you never know what that person is feeling in the moment. I personally have had many days ruined by someone that at the time I was in a fragile state and took it to heart

me also and more than once here lately...

Me, too. I think that's true of a lot of obese people, because we've been seeing, hearing, and feeling criticism from others for a long time, and because we tend to handle that stuff by eating rather than by reacting with anger.

This is why i respect you and your opinion so very much. I still look in the mirror and see the "fat" girl sometimes. Sometimes i see me.... Christmas shopping, i was passing a mirror and caught sight of me, they way i think others see me now.... and i started crying because, i thought, wow... that's me right there... and that me is skinny and healthy... How come i don't see her all the time? Then thought..... hummm must be the mirror.... Now how can i rip it off the wall and take it with me..... lol When i look in the mirror at my face i now see all the wrinkle and line that a "fat" girl face never showed. My husband has threaten to take down all the mirrors because he hears me say.... look at this wrinkle, at this cellulite... at these stretch marks... He says... Stop chris, stop you look great.

Well, Except for the time he told me i was starting to look like a bag of bones... (he thought it was a compliment)... men.

This is why i respect you and your opinion so very much. I still look in the mirror and see the "fat" girl sometimes. Sometimes i see me.... Christmas shopping, i was passing a mirror and caught sight of me, they way i think others see me now.... and i started crying because, i thought, wow... that's me right there... and that me is skinny and healthy... How come i don't see her all the time? Then thought..... hummm must be the mirror.... Now how can i rip it off the wall and take it with me..... lol When i look in the mirror at my face i now see all the wrinkle and line that a "fat" girl face never showed. My husband has threaten to take down all the mirrors because he hears me say.... look at this wrinkle, at this cellulite... at these stretch marks... He says... Stop chris, stop you look great.

Well, Except for the time he told me i was starting to look like a bag of bones... (he thought it was a compliment)... men.

You've described what I call the Funhouse Mirror Effect. You can read an article about that here: http://www.lapbandtalk.com/page/index.html/_/support/the-funhouse-mirror-effect-r93

I got to my goal weight in September 2008 - almost 4-1/2 years ago - but my brain still has a hard time catching up with all the changes in my body. Sometimes I catch sight of my reflection in a window and think, "Wow, she looks really familiar. Where do I know her from?" and moments later realize that woman is me. Sometimes at work (full length mirrors everywhere you turn), I see myself in the mirror and think my reflection is a customer walking up to me. It's very startling, especially when I figure out it was an illusion. The mental and emotional WLS journey takes longer than the physical one. For me, anyway.

I noticed people are rude on here quite often, hence I don't participate as much as I used too.

You've described what I call the Funhouse Mirror Effect. You can read an article about that here: http://www.lapbandta...rror-effect-r93

I got to my goal weight in September 2008 - almost 4-1/2 years ago - but my brain still has a hard time catching up with all the changes in my body. Sometimes I catch sight of my reflection in a window and think, "Wow, she looks really familiar. Where do I know her from?" and moments later realize that woman is me. Sometimes at work (full length mirrors everywhere you turn), I see myself in the mirror and think my reflection is a customer walking up to me. It's very startling, especially when I figure out it was an illusion. The mental and emotional WLS journey takes longer than the physical one. For me, anyway.

Funny how our mind plays tricks on us.... When i was bigger I didn't see that either. Crazy i know.

Nine dogs?

P.S. Great article.

Yup. Nine dogs. Or rather, nine who come into the house, and three who are outside dogs (who have comfy condos in our garage), for a total of twelve. And three cats. All of those critters are rescues. We live out in the country where people discard puppies and kittens like so much garbage, and we don't have the heart to let them starve.