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Dating with the fat girl still on the inside...



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When I was 130 pounds heavier 16 months ago, dating was difficult. A pretty face, but if I just lost the weight. I always seemed to settle.

Now that I'm 130 pounds lighter, at 5'7" and a size 14, I work out five days a week and have been able to tighten and tone. Not perfect, but I'm built like a strong, fit roller derby chick and it's a pretty amazing feeling.

Dating at 45 in this new body, I thought would be easier, however it just seems I've gone up the ring of what men find attractive, however am not quite small enough. I've met some great guys I'm not attracted to and somehow, am attracted to guys who aren't so great.

I take pictures in the mirror, straight on, no angles, because I want to see what I look like. I've used some of these on a dating site with mixed results. One man told me I looked smaller in the picture than in person. Some, I can see, think the same thing, or I think they do and say I'm very pretty. At that point it's all about chemistry anyway.

I met a man last week who was tall, broad and charming on every level. I had shared with him that the previous week, I met a man for a drink, who proceeded to give me roses and then expected that I wanted to have sex with him. Of course I said no. I mean please. Even though this new guy knew I wouldn't, I could tell immediately by the number of drinks he wanted me to have, that he thought I would loosen up and let him come home with me. Of course, I didn't and was disappointed once again. Here I am, half the person I was, and here I am, meeting the same men...who think that because I'm not a size 4, that I'm going to be easy.

Now, I'm not saying women who are size 4 don't have this same problem. Also not saying that they don't have body issues either because I know all women have some kind of issue.

I guess I'm struggling with knowing what I really look like. I don't know if I look normal, average, curvy. I hoped it would be a little easier, an improvement dating on the other side of the scale. I'm an attractive, confident woman and won't be settling, however wonder how many people struggle with dating post surgery. Men and women.

Maybe it's just going to take someone really special ;) .

Still hopeful, yet a little sad tonight, still feeling like the fat girl again on the inside.

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I cant address the size issues, but I can tell you that my very attractive, naturally thin (size 2? 4?) SIL has similarly bad experiences on dating websites. WP had some articles recently about the online dating scene and ages -- men apparently are looking for women far younger than themselves.

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Not all of them . . . but I'll admit that I met a lot of guys once before I met someone I wanted to keep seeing. He's 13 years younger than I am and he's quite fit--just likes bigger women. However, I'll admit the relationship is still pretty casual because that's what he wants and, as much as I like him and am attracted to him, I do think about meeting someone who would want a more serious relationship with me.

I guess my point is that it's hard, period, and size doesn't have to be the determining factor. And if it's been a while since you last dated, my sense is that the expectation of sex happening quickly is more prevalent now than ever before. Doesn't mean you have to play by those rules and doesn't mean that there isn't a guy out there with the same values and expectations you have.

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Doesn't matter what size. At one point in my life I looked like I just fell out of a fitness magazine and I still came across the guys you've experienced dating. The right one will come along I promise [emoji4] My hubby did and he has stayed with me through thick and sports illustrated thin. I couldn't have done this without him.

Sent from my SM-G935V using BariatricPal mobile app

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We want before and after piccys! :D Cuz we're gratuitous that way! bahahahaha!

But I will tell you what my mom used to say: You gotta "kiss" a lot of toads to find your prince.

And no, "kiss" is not a euphemism for sex. :) It's more, that you have to date a lot of fellows to find the right one. Go for it!

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Honestly,

I don't think it matters WHAT size you are. My best friend since I was 3 years old is a natural size 2 and eats mac and cheese and potato chips SINGLE. ME at my biggest right now SINGLE, but I also won't get naked in front of anyone LOL so I prefer the single life for now. Don't let a couple of Jerky men get you down. There are some good ones out there, just a lot harder to find now.

I would definitely say post some pics just like @FluffyChix said......then we can all tell you how amazing you look and give you a nice little ego boost to start your morning :-D

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Yeah I don't think it's size related. From the stories I hear even the size 4's are expected to "put out" as we used to call it!


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size has nothing to do with it. Dating is a numbers game. My experience was that the super charming guys were that way because they had a LOT of practice....so those ones got weeded out pretty quickly. Also, for the most part, if a man makes it to his 40's never married or in a serious relationship...there is a reason. Seems to be different for women...but men...usually an indication of a maturity issue..at least it was on almost every single date I was on. I found the pool to be better quality in the divorced/separated crowd...just my experience. I assume you are internet dating, thank god for that because that is for the most part where the singles are. one of my biggest revelations was that I wasn't going to meet someone sitting on my couch hanging out with my best friend. and as a woman in your 40's if your experience is like mine. not many friends know single men in our age range or the ones they do know they would never set anyone up with. You need to go to a target rich environment...which nowadays is online.

I have a friend who used to meet guys at bars and dated a lot of alcoholics, so would not recommend that as a venue for meeting people. Fact is online dating is the best place to meet people who are also looking to meet people. I used to do short chats, then a short coffee date where I could assess whether I wanted to get to know the person further. it is just a screening process.

I really needed to think about what I really wanted and get away from my pattern of dating charming hot guys who were never going to be long term material. You need to do a lot of self examining and figure out what patterns you may need to consciously break.

I went on a lot of dates before I found someone who was relationship material. you need to change your way of looking at things. It is not about you it is about them, they aren't meeting your criteria, why are your making it about you?

I met more than one good guy while dating. When I met my husband I was worried he might even be too nice for me, then I gave my head a shake.

2 things I did that helped when I was dating. 1. did it with a single friend that I could connect with and download with after a date. 2. We created a blog for a creative outlet. dating became more fun with that because the bigger the disaster, the better the story (and a lot less depressing). Also I would take occasional breaks if I found it getting to me.

Edited by Travelher

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I guess I will go ahead and approach this from a male perspective. If a guy is truly ready to be in a relationship, he won't mind waiting for it. If he is trying to get it on the first date, he is only looking for a hook-up. What really attracts many men to women thin or large is confidence. Confidence is important. Many women that have lost a lot of weight, as you said, may still feel fat, and just don't think they are as beautiful as they truly are. This may be a turn-off to some guys.

Love yourself and don't settle for a jerk. You deserve much more. Don't, however bring up other dates or guys on a first date. Don't discuss sex either for that matter. These topics tend to lead to disappointment or even resentment. Meet up on the first few dates and get to know the guy. That way, you both go your separate ways once it is over.

When you are ready, stop meeting up, and start going on more traditional dates. I wouldn't try to meet guys through dating sites either. Not that you can't find a good guy on one...You would probably do better by going out to happy hour at a restaurant or a festival with friends.

Again, be confident and happy on the inside. You must love yourself before you are ready to love someone else. Good luck to you ladies out there that are trying to meet your soul mates.

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I don't think it's your current weight/body comp, it's the guys that are jerks or looking for variety booty calls.

I would try cultivating hobbies - join a biking group, or hiking, or some type of sports, horses, shooting, archery, motorcycles, investent clubs, travel clubs, dance lessons, anything where you broaden the circle of meeting more people. Take a couple community college classes at night. And maybe even one or two communities away from where you live. Volunteer for habitat for humanity helping to rehab houses, even if you have no skills, anyone can wield a paintbrush and broom.

Think of your experiences so far as just practice learning what you don't want in a man.

I met my husband of 20 years when I was 41, (I was not thin) he is an amazing guy, it was a fluke encounter that turned into a crazy good relationship with so many things in common you would swear I am making it all up.

Be kind to yourself and hang in there.

Oh yeah - bring in the pictures!!!!

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So many of us are convinced people are looking/judging/disgusted by us, from the largest we've ever been to even the smallest. My wish for you is that you can get out from under the "fat girl on the inside" mentality. You are you no matter what size. You're @ReddGypsy on the inside! Those insecurities are just carried with you no matter what you weight, so there are really two battles here.

The first battle is with yourself. Try to remember that it doesn't matter what you think a guy wants you to look like. That insecurity is coming from you! You are beautiful now and you were beautiful before, regardless of validation from someone else. You have to convince yourself of that and keep on with positive reinforcement. Instead of picking an outfit and wondering if he'll like it, ask yourself if you like it!

The second battle is learning to weed out the guys you are deciding to meet with. I suggest agreeing to meet a guy in person if he's already taken the time to have nice, vanilla, get to know you conversation within the website. You might be able to pick out very quickly guys who only want to meet you to hook up based on the amount of time they are willing to continue an online conversation or the type of conversation they are trying to have (overtly sexual, flirtacious). I had to be very, very, very picky when I dated online. All but one of my dates were OK I just knew we weren't compatible. One date was especially nice but he wasn't really my type. I kept seeing him, though, and 6 years later I'm still happily married and he is quite honestly the best man I've ever known.

You deserve a wonderful love and someday you will find it.

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1 minute ago, hap314ness said:

So many of us are convinced people are looking/judging/disgusted by us, from the largest we've ever been to even the smallest. My wish for you is that you can get out from under the "fat girl on the inside" mentality. You are you no matter what size. You're @ReddGypsy on the inside! Those insecurities are just carried with you no matter what you weight, so there are really two battles here.

1

SO MUCH YAAAAAAS!!!! I have always said......If you don't like me at my biggest, you damn sure aren't going to be a part of my thinner life!!!!!!

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7 hours ago, Sosewsue61 said:

anyone can wield a paintbrush and broom

I'll contest that!

My dad was a professional painter. One of his specialties was REDOING the work of amateur home-painters and low-grade professionals. It's not as easy as it looks.

In saying that, there is improved paint technology and application techniques that allow conscientious and careful amateurs to do a good job. (The big failing in most bad home paint jobs is lousy preparation of walls, ceilings and surfaces.

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@Rainbow_Warrior yes of course (my father was a painter too lol) but the real point was volunteer labor is rarely turned down....the idea is to put yourself out there....

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SO MUCH YAAAAAAS!!!! I have always said......If you don't like me at my biggest, you damn sure aren't going to be a part of my thinner life!!!!!!


100% this right here. When I met my husband 6 years ago I was thinking with my lap band. The lap band broke and he watched me gain 60 pounds over there next 4 years and guess what. He proposed and married me while I was over weight. 36 hours post-op sleeve now so I can get back to the girl he met 6 years ago. I'm lucky that he loved me through it and loves me no matter what size.

Sent from my XT1635-01 using BariatricPal mobile app

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