When you can't even be honest with yourself

[Butterflyhigh 504]

Initially I was going to keep this to myself except for my bff, but in the end I decided to tell people. Now I wish I hadn't.

Suffering through a family get-together because they are literally keeping count of how many bites I eat....watching them silently judge me and criticize my choice to do this...feeling like I have to constantly explain and defend my decision to have the surgery....knowing I am the topic of gossipy 'concern' amongst the family.

In part I told them because I felt belittled and guilted by the idea that the OP expressed....that I HAD to be honest with everyone about myself. That I would be not be living a authentic life if I kept this secret.

What BS. Everyone is entitled to handle this in the way that works best for them in their lives. We all have very different life circumstances. Because one way is right for you doesn't mean it is right for everyone. My family sucks. They are jealous, backstabbing, toxic people and I had NO OBLIGATION to tell them anything about my life. I was honest with them because I felt like it was the ethical thing to do....and now I regret it.

I realize the 'right' thing to do was to be loyal to MYSELF. To make the best and most healthy decision for ME. Do I own the world the truth? Am I obligated to be someone's "example" of WLS?? NO.

[Kindle 8,667]

Butterflyhigh...I'm SO sorry for your situation. That's horrible that you are surrounded by such negativity. I continue to be amazed, saddened and disgusted by people and how poorly they treat each other.

RJ...I don't see how my upbringing is name calling. It's what made me who I am and I said it to explain the reasoning behind why I feel the way I do. Just a fact of my life. I know my honesty is not "normal", but its the way I live my life. Unfortunately it's not a popular MO. And sure, I've lied in the past...even had a fake ID to get in the bars in college. But I know how I feel when I find that I've been lied to, and I choose not do that to someone else. As I've gotten older I've found that my parent's were actually right. Do I piss people off sometimes by being so open? Yes. (Obviously) Oh well. And I don't have kids, so I've never had to do the Santa/Easter Bunny/ tooth fairy thing.

Edited October 20, 2014 by Kindle

[Jersrose43 837]

so I have to share my yesterday "ow wow, well Hmm" moment with you all.

Remember not hiding and share with acquaintances etc.

I went to my hubby's sisters yesterday. Family bday.

Her hubby family there. They're in the acquaintance bucket.

Wow you look great how'd you do it ? Well I had wls. You should know this two of you are my fb friends.

Huh? Wow. Well ok. How r u feeling. Good. Great. Awesome. Got some acid. Actively working on this.

Brother in law mom - easily 250 and 5,3. Her sister easily 300 and 5,1 and this is how it went :

Well I think you aren't big enough.

Well yes I lost 59 pounds so today I am no longer big enough

Well I've never seen you diet. Don't you think you could've done that first? You see me once a year maybe twice, and usually when I take a break from any diet to enjoy your company. Yes I said it just like that!!

-and no tone ok?!?!?

Well I just think you should've given dieting another shot and join a gym. You live 75 miles from me, I've been to a gym 3 days a week for 8 years in jersey and 5 years before that in Michigan. Working out has nothing to do with it. Maintaining a diet has nothing to do with this. Clearly it didn't work.

Welllllll I for one just don't understand sounds easy way out.

Wellll aunti Annie - are those your car keys? I'll take them. You live a mile away I think you take the easy way out getting here. I took her keys

Is that a glass a wine? Sorry taking that too. You didn't make it. I didn't see you pressing grapes. Took that away as well.

Is that a fork and knife? Well that's an easy way to eat isn't it? Back in the day people ate with their hands that's why God gave them to you.

Yes I took those away!

Then I hid her coat after all its synthetic and I didn't see her kill any cows for a hide

Hey is that the bday gift in a bag? Hmm you better think about keeping that away from me cause you didn't chop a tree, press paper and make that bag.

Yes I took the easy way out 4 months ago deary but you take the easy way out 50-100 times a day.

She definitely got my point. And the conversation turned to I wonder if at my age of 56 it would make by BP, asthma and knees better.

Well I no longer have Bp, haven't had an asthma event in 4 months. Never had a knee issue. So I think you can answer that for yourself.

Can you give me more info? Nope you're too judge mental go find yourself a surgeon and a support group and figure it out the hard way like I did.

And yes that's how I answers that with a shitload of tone this time!!

[Kindle 8,667]

That's awesome!

[LipstickLady 25,682]

So this is going to piss off a lot of people. But I call BS on everyone that says they are a "private person" or "its nobody else's business" when trying to justify why they don't admit to having WLS. Saying you had your gall bladder removed or a hernia repaired or any other number of fake surgeries instead of WLS is "sharing" a personal health issue, just not the one you actually had. If you needed a knee or hip replacement, would you fib and say you sprained something to explain your brace and/or crutches? Do you hide your need for insulin if you have diabetes? Do you all wear contacts instead of glasses so people don't know you have bad vision? How about if you needed your appendix removed? A kidney transplant? Can you seriously say you would come up with a "story" to cover up the fact you needed these surgeries?

What are you all afraid of? Why are you ashamed? This was a huge commitment for all of us. Why aren't you willing to stand up and defend your convictions by being honest about your decision to have surgery? Some people claim they don't want to hear negative feedback. Well how is the social stigma of obesity and WLS ever going to be overcome unless those negative people hear and see all of our success stories for themselves. Every time I am asked about my weight loss I see it as an opportunity to educate. Maybe next time the subject is brought up, that person can say "I know someone that had VSG and she looks and feels great! Why don't you give her a call".

I don't mean to offend, I just don't think "privacy" is the whole reason why WLS isn't admitted to and talked about openly.

I've not read any of the responses, but I find your post completely offensive and honestly, quite ridiculous and purposefully inflamatory. You don't know me, you don't know how private I am and just because I don't feel the need to spread my personal business to the general public does not mean I am "ashamed", "afraid" or "dishonest".

I don't need to justify my decision to keep my medical history to myself, and it's quite baffling to me that one would start such an inflammatory or derogatory post on a board that is meant to support others in a like situation.

It's 100% your business if you want to shout about your WLS decision from the rooftops just as it is MY business to share it with only a select few. I have no idea why you care about MY decisions and why such a personal decision has to be made into an us vs. them debate.

I would never feel the need to bash the decision of a woman who chooses to go to work over staying at home as I did. I would never devalue someone who chose to wait until they were 500+ pounds before having surgery or decides not to exercise or until was deep into diabetes before they sought help. It's none of my business if someone believes in God or Buddha or gay marriage or plural marriage. I don't care if you choose the sleeve, the band or bypass. I don't care if you cover your grey hair or go natural. Thongs vs. granny panties? None of my business. You're a cat person? I hate cats but that doesn't take away from your decision. I could go on forever, but I won't because I have MUCH MORE valuable things to waste my time worrying about, thinking about or discussing.

Would you also like to know how much money I make? How much my house cost? Perhaps I should show you the contents of my underwear drawer or tell you the details of my sex life. Do you want to know many sexual partners have I had? I'm not ashamed. Yeesh! By the same logic, I should be loud and proud about all of the above, too.

It's not my job to be a symbol, a learning tool or an advocate for WLS unless I choose to be. Thank goodness I am extremely secure in my decision to keep my WLS private. Shame on you if you think your post was helpful or respectful in any way.

Amazing.

Edited October 20, 2014 by LipstickLady

[LipstickLady 25,682]

@@Kindle

I am totally okay with your choice, I would appreciate the same curtesy with mine. You love to share, I don't. Does that make you better then me? The moment you comment about how others should feel, and how it's BS you kind of cross a line. As long as you are defending your choices and in the process trying to educate others on the validity of your argument/position you stand on moral solid ground. Even not understand other's positions is understandable. Lots of people have trouble with empathy. But asking what are you ashamed of? Really! So glad you didn't pick psychology as your profession. Perhaps you can be a great campaigner for WLS surgery instead. I wish you nothing but the best on your endeavors. Yours is a worthy cause.

Is this healthy debate? - NO, it is neither helpful nor instructive but it is hurtful.

Absolutely.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

Ok, I'm really rambling now. I'll shut up. And please, keep the comments coming. I feel strongly about defending my opinions and I think others should do the same. I don't mind being disagreed with. It's only honesty and respect I demand....and probably why I have a hard time respecting dishonesty.

So making the statement that those of us who don't tell all/share all are dishonest, full of BS, ashamed, etc. is respectful? Seriously? :thud:

[RJ'S/beginning 5,357]

Holy smokes @@LipstickLady and I see eye to eye on something..... Well said girl!

[labwalker 1,177]

I have to chime in, with my opinion. I am sure the OP was sincere in her beliefs, but, I have an opposing viewpoint.

I would never consider that allowing others to judge my success with WLS to be a factor..... never. I am responsibility for my success, and my failures. No one else! Somethings in life are private... your most private moment will be when you pass into the next life... is that something that you can "share?' I answer to myself. What other people pass as judgement should not matter. If one relies on the opinions of others to experience success with WLS I'd suggest they are setting themselves for failure.

The reality is that human nature is what it is.... there is always a chance that any WLS can fail... where does that leave you when everyone that has been blabbed to realizes that "you" failed?

Many folks will always believe that you took the "easy way out." Whether you are successful or not will make NO difference. Some folks are enabled by over eating, they will be jealous that you had the guts to take your life and future into your hands, and choose to make a life changing decision.

There always true friends and family who are there and who will support you, regardless of the outcome. I'd be careful to chose the later before letting the cat out of the bag.

[MindyLynn5 21]

I think the ones that are calling this BS are being rude. Aren't we suppose to support one another, if you agree or don't. You can skip a subject if you don't agree.

I am so thankful to everyone here for sharing their experiences and troubles with stalls and stuff. I am waiting for wls surgery in nov and Im not sharing. Its my business. Im not gonna make up a surgery. my family is not supportive, full of drama and love to talk bad about one another. Plus they don't tell me everything.

My immediate family will know but thats it. I really don't care what everyone thinks. This is the main reason Im not telling others because I don't want to hear their opinion on something Im sure of. And I don't want to defend myself like people are having to do on this thread.

[sophie'sChoice 269]

I am one of those private people. Not just about WLS but about everything! It's just how I was made. I'm also one of the best confidantes you will ever find. yep, If you need someone to talk to, I can keep private what you tell me, no matter what it is LOL. Some people are more open, some people are more private, some people are blonde, some are brunette. It's ok that we are all different. I do believe we are all made differently and I do believe that our previous experiences shape us as well.

I have spent my whole life struggling with the yo yo diet thing. I have lost weight and put it back on so many times...failed so many times...I got tired of telling people "I'm gonna do it this time!". Heck, they stopped believing me long ago. Even around the dinner table, especially at holidays, I would become the topic of converstation...or should I say my most current diet fad would be the topic. Can you say mortifying? Anyway...that's all in the past. Although last night my brother said "can you eat this?" ARGH!

Regarding my WLS, over the last 7 months I have told about 10 people. For me that's a lot (more than I thought now that I count them up!). They are my cheerleaders and my support. My immediate family, A couple of my closest friends, and a couple of my closest friends at work. Do I put it on Facebook? NO, do I tell everyone who says "wow, you are losing weight" or "wow you are looking great, what are you doing?" NO. Why? because I still am that private person and have learned that I do need at least some protection in this area of my life. That being said, Just recently I have had a woman come up to me (from work) that is significantly overweight and wanted to talk about how I am losing the weight. She is from another department but we see each other often and she was genuine in her inquiry and was wanting advice on how she too could be successful. I have shared my story with her as well as my materials.

So, NO, I will NOT tell everyone that wanders by how I lost my weight nor share how much I have lost (lets face it, I have over 200 pounds to lose). I really don't want it to become the focus of my existence, topic of the breakroom, or leave myself open to hurtful comments or gossip. However, I apparently do have the discernment that when I am approached in a genuine information seeking manner that I can share my story.

I have made this a way of life...and I have moved on with my life...a healthier and happier person (with a long way to go...but I will get there). I come to this forum to get support and to hopefully give support but otherwise I really don't want my life to revolve around my surgery. Does that make sense? Sorry this was so verbose!

[McButterpants 2,846]

This topic always strikes a cord and I love reading the responses.

As I've said, I have only told a handful of people that are close to me about my surgery and I'm at peace with that decision. When I decided to have surgery, I didn't sign a document that said I was going to be a flag bearer for WLS nor did I sign up to be an advocate for WLS expressing to everyone how wonderful the journey has been. When I decided to have surgery, I did it to make myself well for me and my family.

I try to help people on this forum and I also help counsel people who call into my local doctor's office looking for help finding a good self-pay surgeon. I AM helping other WLS patients, I'm not huddled in a corner keeping all my information about WLS to myself nor am I telling myself that I'm losing this weight on my own. So, saying I'm "lying" is offensive to me. That's my biggest issue with the way this whole thread has played out.

This is a deeply personal process for everyone - you're an open book? That's awesome for you. For people like me that don't share everything with everyone, don't call me a liar. As @@LipstickLady so eloquently states, I don't share a lot of stuff with people. My own boss knows nothing about my personal life - he doesn't know how old my son is nor does he know that I have an Australian Shepherd at home. Does that make me a liar about my family? No, it's not pertinent to our relationship. When a thin person asks me how I lost the weight, it's more curiosity than anything - telling them I had weight loss surgery is not going to help them in any way.

We are all dealing with our own situations the best we can. For me, I live an authentic life - thus the reason I just told my friend after reconnecting recently. I felt like I wasn't honoring our friendship/relationship - that's being honest with oneself...I felt I needed to tell her because I wasn't being authentic. Not telling someone at the soccer match doesn't give me the same feeling - I don't owe that person or the WLS surgery community that.

Edited October 20, 2014 by McButterpants

[S(he) be(lie)ve(d) 151]

I am one of those that only chose to tell 4 people that I have had the sleeve done. My reasons: Positive reinforcements, amazing support people that I can always count on, no opinions forced on me because they respect my decision, no gossip, etc. The list goes on. I am not ashamed that I have had this surgery, as well as having a very large hiatal hernia repair done. I have said that I have had a very large hiatal hernia repair done to those that might question. They don't need to know all the details of my medical history. My husband and I are very private people, live in a small town and have a large family that loves to gossip. His sister's nickname is "Mouth". That's how bad it is.

A year ago, I had a lymph node removed because my doctors thought I had Lymphoma. They did all the normal testing beforehand, even a fine needle biopsy. They were all inconclusive/not enough data to make a determination. So, my doctors wanted to remove my lymph node from my neck to find out. Before I even went on the operating table, they were making plans for what would need to be done for Lymphoma. During this time, I was also undergoing testing for possible MS. By this point, I'd had so many blood draws, that I was a human pin cushion and so many painful tests and procedures to get an answer. To this date, I still am being required to do a MRI every 6 months of my brain to monitor things to see if MS is the answer. My Ear, Nose & Throat doctor told me that in his entire medical career (he is nearing retirement) he has NEVER removed a lymph node that large and have it come back as benign. He told me I must have Lady Luck or a Guardian Angle watching over me. While all of this went on, we chose only a few people that we knew we could count. There are still only a handful of people that know. They are our support system and always have been, without drama attached.

Here is our reasoning for being and remaining private: Our middle daughter who is now 8 years old underwent a cranio vault reconstruction for being born with Metopic Craniosynostosis. Basically, premature fusion of the growth plate in the skull when she was in utero at the age of 9 mos old. Then at 18 mos old she began showing signs of Bilateral Trigeminal Neuralgia. It is a geriatric disease normally. There are environmental triggers that made her face explode in pain similar to that of a 320 volt of electricity going through her face at any given time. It is coined the suicide disease. Her little life was incredibly limited. She was not officially diagnosed until a few months before her 3rd birthday. I diagnosed her. Children's Hospital admitted it was beyond what they could do. We had to find a pediatric neurosurgeon and a specialist of trigeminal neuralgia. I found Dr. Ben Carson at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore, MD. He is the best of the best. We had to fly her there twice to have a microvascular decompression done on her left and right side. The surgeries were about 4 months part to allow for proper healing. During all this medical drama, we received a lot of public attention from our community and beyond. There was even an article in our local newspaper about her. There were a lot of amazing people that we couldn't have done without, but there were people that were very rude, hurtful and disrespectful. To this date, our daughter is the youngest to be diagnosed and treated with Bilateral Trigeminal Neuralgia. Dr. Ben Carson also did a published medical study of her. Yes, we chose to do the article about her because we didn't want to see another family go through what we went through with her. It was sheer hell watching our baby be in severe pain all day, every day and to have nobody believe you and tell you it was all imagined.

With all of the attention and drama from our daughter's medical issues, it caused a lot of marital problems. We almost didn't make it. Our family suffered bigger than life. This is still a sore subject. My husband and I have been married for 17 years. We have made it through hell and high waters. We are still here. But, our decision to keep things private, is strictly our decision. We have been on both side of this fence. For you to say that people are ashamed of this surgery is completely uncalled for and completely unsupportive. I'm sure there are people that think that, but before you can pass judgment on others, you really should consider their personal reasons behind keeping their personal details kept private. Don't pass judgment. Try to put yourself in the other person's shoes and understand their reasoning. Everyone is different with how things are handled in their personal lives.

[shellyd88 463]

I decided I'm not going to lie about it if someone asks me I'll say yes I did have WLS I'm not ashamed of it I simply don't give a crap what anybody thinks of my decision I simply do not choose to trot it out as a topic of discussion for people to comment on or gossip about I won't have much of choice about ppl knowing about it as the creature I work for knows and will tell anyone who cares to listen already has I know this cuz she accidently ccd me an email in which she said unkind things about me and how I need to have this surgery etc etc and family members who will do the same but I don't care anymore spent long enough making everyone's else's life easier and as far as I'm concerned they can all kiss my (hopefully) soon to be skinny ass!

[finediva 979]

I decided I'm not going to lie about it if someone asks me I'll say yes I did have WLS I'm not ashamed of it I simply don't give a crap what anybody thinks of my decision I simply do not choose to trot it out as a topic of discussion for people to comment on or gossip about I won't have much of choice about ppl knowing about it as the creature I work for knows and will

tell anyone who cares to listen already has I know this cuz

she accidently ccd me an email in which she said unkind

things about me and how I need to have this surgery etc

etc and family members who will do the same but I don't

care anymore spent long enough making everyone's else's

life easier and as far as I'm concerned they can all kiss my

(hopefully) soon to be skinny ass!

"The cr err y