When you can't even be honest with yourself

[bikrchk 1,313]

I originally told everyone even remotely close to me stopping short of a full scale coming out on Facebook and got zero negative feedback. I got genuine concern and questions, which are a GOOD thing! It means the people in your life care about you! Did some of them try to talk me out of it? Yes, they did. Their concern forced me to educate myself and them about my procedure and the reasons I'd chosen to do this. It made me a smarter, stronger person and helped me educate some others about the struggle obesity is along the way. Today, I am an open book. I tell BECAUSE I don't want to fail. BECAUSE I want as many accountability partners out there as possible, and BECAUSE I've become an example and a mentor to others and I'm sure as hell not going to let them down!

[Kindle 8,667]

Bikrchk, I'm with you. The fact everyone knows about my surgery is a big factor in holding myself accountable. Now that I'm in maintenance I know I won't fail because I want to be a good example.

And thank you everyone else for your posts. You make very good points. I used to work for a big corporation, so I know about office politics and dealing with "suits". That BS is a big reason why I went back to school for a complete career change in my 30's. And it's a real shame that so many people have friends and family that are unsupportive.

I guess it just upsets me that WLS is still such a taboo subject in today's society. Losing weight and being healthy are an aspiration for Americans but the fact that there is a "right" way (excersise, eating healthy) and a "wrong" way (WLS) is just crazy.

The choice to tell or not tell is just that and everyone has to do what is best for them. I just think that the only way to help break down the stigma of surgery is for people to hear about our successes rather than repeat the stories about a "friend of a friend that died". And people's reactions may surprise you...hearing the truth could help someone else struggling with their weight. Really, if we can't be supporters of WLS, who will be?

Edited October 19, 2014 by Kindle

[Babbs 14,680]

@Beni-- Lighten up, Francis. Kindle is as entitled to her opinion as you are yours.

I agree with Kindle. I see it as an opportunity to educate and maybe inspire people about WLS, and I have. I have lots of friends on Facebook who love hearing about my updates since the surgery. I have even had a couple who have asked how to begin the process. If I can inspire just ONE person to change their lives for the better by babbling about my experience with WLS, then me being open and honest about it was all worth it. Some people are very private people, and that's okay. But I feel some have much more egregious reasons for not telling. They are afraid of what people with "think". They are ashamed. They are afraid they will fail. This last one keeps me motivated, personally. I'll be DAMNED if I tell everyone about this surgery, and not use it as an opportunity to show people what a wonderful, life changing surgery this can be! I also respect other people's right to not tell. To each his own.

[Jersrose43 837]

As I've stated before on this forum so many times---I told everyone and came out on Facebook.

And I agree many of the folks who come here are full of bs for the reason to not tell

Vsgann- I totally understand your perspective. Totally.

I've seen people post they don't want their church group to judge them? What? You need a new church then because those should be your first solid supporters!

Truthfully I didn't want to come out on Facebook but my husband posted his location and well then it just came all out.

I lost 1 friend. Everyone else has been extremely supportive.

I truly believe I lost this friend because of my choice and hers to be against it. She thinks it's because I am a bitter person.... Literally she tells friends in common this. If you knew that at 44 she still is upset about slights from high school - who's bitter ?

She weighed 380 pounds and started Zumba and other activities and lost 80. I was always proud and supportive. She feels that I could have come to Zumba and done the same. Guess what I tried that - who got you into your first Zumba class when you didn't want to --- ME! and you've conveniently forgotten that. You're now an instructor. YOURE WELCOME!

She can't be the supportive for me or others in same position.

Other people in my life now come and ask for help. They seek guidance on their own choice - I am honest with them pro and con. And support them regardless of their path.

I don't like being lied to. I don't like lying. Truthfully lies are too difficult to keep up with. I'm getting too old for that shit and a high Protein diet honestly makes me more forgetful.

I didn't tell the chick at Victoria's Secret how I lost 59 pounds when I was being fitted but I do tell you if you are a friend of a friend or acquaintance of mine.

To others' points. No I wouldn't tell you I was getting azt treatment for hiv/aids because it's communicable. My obesity isn't catchy

If it was we'd all have shared long long ago!

I think many people tend to not say anything because obese people tend to have self confidence issues. Many have been treated unfairly and judged for their weight and well they're not strong enough to handle criticism and judgement of their choice.

How many of us have stated repeatedly that we used food to self soothe or to deal with other issues? Some of us used food to deal with being fat. And I think this factors into the choice of to tell or not to tell.

Many who ask this question 2-3 times a week cannot own their decision because they lack self confidence. I wish I could help them to know they are beautiful and loved and will make new friends, but I can't.

[gowalking 10,790]

Most of my friends and family know about my WLS. That's mostly due to my mother who has no filter these days. I was upset at first but because I have been successful, I'm not that concerned anymore. I do understand though, that if I struggled more in trying to lose the weight, I might be concerned about those who judge.

Even mom was ignorant in terms of how the band works. My cousin's girlfriend got the band about a year after me and my mother said she wasn't as successful as me because she needed to have the band tightened. I explained to her that this is the way it's supposed to be and it's me...with no fills...that is the anomaly.

I felt I needed to be honest with my friends when they asked how I was losing the weight. No one has been negative and that means the world to me. It shows what good friends I really have.

Coworkers....those I am close with are aware. The casual coworkers have not been told but I suspect the women have figured it out. The men I don't think have a clue.

There are valid points on both sides here and I agree with many of the pros and cons. So I guess it still comes down to what each of us feels comfortable with. I do believe however, that most people think that WLS is the easy way out and we all know how wrong they are in that assumption. Advocacy would indeed go a long way in changing that incorrect assumption.

[angierue 214]

I wonder what the connection is between those that have been "forever fluffy" and those that are more likely to open and share the process?

Me, I've been fat my whole life. My goal weight is 180-190. And that would make me almost the same size I was in high school. And I will be thrilled when I get there.

But I think maybe because I've been always fat, I've had a lifetime to deal with the stigma that came with it... To toughen up and thicken my skin. So now that I'm doing this, it doesn't matter to me what anyone thinks about my choice because it didn't matter what they thought about me before either. And if this causes me to lose a friend? Well then they weren't really a friend to begin with.

Again, this is a highly personal choice but if my being open inspires someone, like it already has and I'm not even post-op yet, then what tiny amount of negative feedback I get will be worth it.

Edited October 19, 2014 by angierue

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Judging. Shaming. One-upping. Self-righteousness.

We all suffer from it.

It's a toughie.

Over the last 15 years, while caring for family members with health issues (like many of us have) and being caught up in some attendant family conflicts, I came to realize that no matter how anyone is acting or responding at the time, they are probably doing the very best they can manage right now. In the future, they might and probably will be able to do better.

That's probably true of each of us here, too.

[FairySleeve 297]

I was not quite sure if I should be an open book about my surgery. I'd see it case by case depends on their background and the necessity. It's like if you talk to a person with the language that they don't speak, it will be a waste of time.

Before the surgery, I told a few close friends because I knew that I'd need their support after the surgery, my bosses and cowokers in the office knew about it because I'd take a long recovery and they are going to bear my work, I think they deserved to know and they're very supportive.

Since my transformation started to be quite noticable, some colleagues outside my office asked me for some tips to lose weight. I told them to do what I do now, lots of Water, no sugary stuff, eat real food, lots of veegetable, Protein first, no carb for dinner, excercise 5 days a week and eat a reasonable portion per meal. These colleagues, they just have only 20-30 lbs excess weight which I don't think they would need the surgery to lose it. I've done all above said during pre-op to train myself to see if I could live with the sleeve and I did lose 18 lbs in 4 months, so I think my information would be useful to them too.

On the otherhand, I told a new colleague who is really obese and he never knew that I was fat. After I learnt that he has been struggling as well (he told me that he lost 66 lbs 3 years ago and gained all back). I told him briefly about the surgery what I went through and how I'm doing now.

There's a weird thing though, some colleagues who have been big, we WERE practically the same size, they never asked me about how I lost weight. I was so prepared to tell them if they would consider WLS as their option but they never come to me and ask. (one girl just said to me nicely that 'you look great!') the other girl never mentioned anything about my change. I guess some people don't really mind other people's business. That's another reason I don't see the point to share with everyone.

[FairySleeve 297]

By the way, the reason why I decided to tell only some people in need because I experienced this myself.

There's a girl working in the bank in my work place who had the sleeve a few years back, when I asked how she lost weight, she just said that "I watched what I eat". It was her colleague who did the sleeve 9 months ago who told me about her surgery and recommended her surgeon to me. (this girl were also the as big as I was, 30 lbs heavier but she's also taller) I couldn't help but thinking if the other girl told me about her WLS, I could have done it a few years earlier!!

Well, of course I respect her decision, now she's happy for me too but I will always feel so grateful to her colleague who shared her story with me and I will do the same thing to help other people like she did to me.

[Kindle 8,667]

I, too, was inspired by someone else's story. When I first started researching my WLS options, all I knew about was bypass and lap band. I had friends that had both and neither really fit what I was looking for. Then a friend's boyfriend's mom started talking about her upcoming VSG. She told me what she knew about the procedure and the rest is history.... (Ironically she ended up having RNY, but has done very well). There is another girl in her church that was also influenced by her story and had VSG in Mexico a couple months after I did. She's VERY open about her surgery and posts updates on Facebook and on a blog she started.

I live in a small, conservative, rural, mostly LDS community of about 10,000 people and have been very pleased to see the acceptance all of us WLS patients have experienced.

[FairySleeve 297]

I guess you're blessed, Kindle, I envy you that people around you are open minded.

There were times that I wanted to share with some good friends but I had to stop myself from telling them because I just don't want my personal life to be told to some sort of people. I know that once I tell one of these friends, they will spread it which I cannot stop them or blame them because I gave it away myself. At this age I learnt to say only things that I don't care if people will quote and pass them around.

I haven't told my family yet because I know exactly what they're going to say (as I've known them almost my whole life) especially my sister-in-law. I like her well, don't get me wrong but you know some people are naturally ignorant and they just say things without thinking. I noticed that she always criticizes about my eating, it's just annoying. Now she knows I'm losing a bunch of weight and if I told her that I had the surgery, she'd say something like "Oh it's because of the surgery?, I thought you did it yourself" (she's a skinny girl by genetic) I see it coming so I don't see no point that I need to go that way.

[B-52 7,113]

I told no one....didn't want to put myself through all the cross examination, etc.

I'm one of those where a lot of things about me is none of anyone's business but mine.

I simply took a week off from work.

Since then I have lost all excess weight, I am a normal body fat%....a slim physically fit person.

That was over 3 years ago....everyone has forgotten I was ever fat, and new people I have met since then never knew I was fat and there's no reason to tell them.......no one talks about it anymore. No One!

Even with my PCP and Cardiologist, they never bring it up anymore...no more "You need to loose a few lbs"

I did it, completed it, now live a new life because of it.

Life is good....

People look at me today, and see an energetic, vegetarian, daily gym rat, no junk food, 63 year old male.

And I'm fine with that.

Edited October 19, 2014 by B-52

[Algae 67]

This is a FABULOUS thread. I love reading all the different responses, the thought processes, and the outcomes.

I too live in a smaller community. I "got" pregnant with twin girls when I was 15 and delivered when I was 16. For years it felt like everyone in town knew my business before I did and it made me a little wary of sharing anything that had the potential to hurt me... I'm an extrovert so people assumed that since I'm friendly and "open" that they knew the whole story and whatever was shared at church, in the community, or from my own lips was pretty much all that was going on in my life.

About 7 years ago I went through one of those life changing series of events that good memoirs are written about and my life radically changed. I moved to another state and had some really real life experiences and then a year later moved back home. When I came back, everyone knew things were different. At first I was really closed off, I fed people information here and there but no one knew what exactly happened from start to finish. Until I started teaching a girls youth group. About half way through the year we had a lock-in and I decided to share some of my experiences. And when I prayed for courage to tell my story that I KNEW would impact these young ladies, I felt like I needed to start my talk off with something I never dreamed of saying: "This is MY story. I'm choosing to share it with YOU because I care about you. Please don't tell my story for me. If you think someone in your life needs to hear my story, tell them to talk to me or me to talk to them."

Months afterwords I realized how drastically things had changed. Some people knew my story and it wasn't spread around town. I think that by giving my story value and asking other people to respect that value, it kept it from being common gossip. As I get ready for my WLS, I am seeing over again that if I think this process is a valuable teaching tool and I communicate that to others when I share, they will respect my wish to let me tell my own story. Also, I noticed that many of the girls I shared my story with felt special, that I would share something so personal with them and trust them to handle it with dignity.

Anyway, I know that was lengthy but maybe it helped someone.

[Packerfan61964 293]

@ B-52.......how much weight did you lose if you don't mind me asking????

[Packerfan61964 293]

@@FairySleeve, bottom line is that YOU are losing the weight by YOURSELF.....the WLS was just a tool. Just like people who use the gum, medication or Patches to quit smoking. I smoked for almost 30 years 1-3 packs a day and I quit COLD TURKEY!!! Do I knock people who have to use the gum, patches or prescription drugs to quit....NO....I am just glad for them that they quit. Don't let you sister in law belittle your acomplishments!!!