When you can't even be honest with yourself

[MichiganChic 3,262]

Lexie, All good points. And I'm not talking about shouting it off the rooftops or posting it on social network venues. It's more about the excuses and fibs told when directly asked about our obvious weight loss. I proudly stand up for my decision, but a lot of people don't and I believe there is an element of embarrassment and shame that people aren't admitting to and that isn't being talked about on these forums.

Just because someone asks, they are not entitled to my personal health information. It is a PERSONAL decision about whether to tell or not. If people are embarrassed or ashamed, then that's their personal decision and they are entitled to their privacy, for whatever reason they choose. For those who feel they should educate the world and share their stories, more power to them. That's also a personal choice.

Just curious - why is there a need for people to "admit" their feelings? Why should they be obligated to tell? People in this country are very private about health information for many reasons. That's why there are such strict laws protecting it - HIPAA. The law says health care workers can't know or share information unless it's for care or treatment, so why would we as individuals feel it's our obligation to answer nosy people's questions about our weight loss?

I chose not to tell many people. I didn't want people watching me and judging what I was eating, how I was succeeding/failing, or generally being too interested in my weight and diet. I don't regret that decision. Of course, my picture is on here, so I think if anyone came across it, they'd recognize me, so I'm not all that incognito!

[gowalking 10,790]

With all due respect, I think the OP was trying to bring out the fact that there is much 'shame' in something that should have no shame attached. For those old enough to remember, a breast cancer diagnosis was once only whispered about. There was a tremendous amount of shame involved and I still don't know why except I guess because it was the breast. These days, there is no shame at all and alot of that has to do with people coming out and being honest about their diagnoses. In some way, we need that same thing when it comes to WLS so that there is no need to feel that people are judging us and finding us somehow 'lacking' because we are having surgery to help with this problem. It doesn't mean you have to tell if you don't want to. But in time, with enough people talking about it, this surgery might also be seen with less or no negativity one day.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

I'm not ashamed and to insist I must be is ludicrous. That said, it's not my job or desire to desensitize the public to the world of WLS.

[MichiganChic 3,262]

Just my two cent's worth (I am pre-op, so maybe I shouldn't even be responding).

I think there are a lot of reasons to keep such a private matter to yourself. I think some valid responses to questions about how you are losing a lot of weight could include "mostly, a LOT of hard work," or if you are being consistent with your reasoning about how your sex life, plastic surgery, etc. are nobody's business then "that's a personal issue," or "I don't want to talk about it."

I do think it's dishonest to say "I'm just eating better and exercising more." An obese person (or family member/friend) who asks with genuine interest will get a false sense of what is possible and may put off surgery because "if he/she can do it with diet and exercise - then so can I!"

About a year ago, someone posted on one of these threads (or maybe on another site) about a friend of hers who lost a lot of weight after VGS. She was telling friends and co-workers that she did so with the help of an "herbal supplement" and the proceeded to sell it to these "friends." Dishonest. Even if she did use the supplement post-op.

It's also dishonest in my opinion to make up fake surgeries as explanations for your time off of work. Once again, can't "I'm sorry, but that's personal" be used in a tactful way instead of falsehoods?

It is highly dishonest and unethical to say you lost weight with an herbal supplement and have monetary gain from it. It is not dishonest to not disclose your PHI. It's not every WLS person's J.O.B. to inform the public when they ask how they lost weight, so they don't get a false sense of what is possible. And it IS possible to lose weight without WLS.

I do agree that the more prevalent information is about WLS, it may eliminate some of the shame associated with obesity and WLS. We've seen that over the years with HIV and also with mental illness. Generally, though, much of it has been the medical community, media, and advocates for those people who raised the awareness. It wasn't just people with HIV telling people they had had HIV that took away the shame and stigma. If people in the WLS surgery community want to advocate, by all means, they should. Not everyone is obligated.

Edited October 21, 2014 by MichiganChic

[SmilingBeauty 223]

I also agree that the OP was trying to state that those who had WLS should help to try and remove the stigma associated with it. I recognize that not everyone feels that way or that is their responsibility. We all have opinions and this was hers. I think everyone has made valid points. It's just a matter of personal perspective.

[playlikeworldchamps 595]

Again it's a personal choice to tell or not to tell and choosing not to tell does not mean people are lying to themselves or that they are ashamed. They have every right to answer "eating better and exercising more" if they want. Some people they may choose to tell and other people the fib is just plain easier. It's like the nosy people asking single people when they are getting married or when couples plan to have kids or even worse when hearing about a new pregnancy they ask if it was planned! A fib or deflection is the polite way of saying "it's none of your f-ing business"

And I like the people I work with but they just don't have a need to know the particulars of my life choices or healthcare specifics. Shame has nothing to do with it.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

I also agree that the OP was trying to state that those who had WLS should help to try and remove the stigma associated with it. I recognize that not everyone feels that way or that is their responsibility. We all have opinions and this was hers. I think everyone has made valid points. It's just a matter of personal perspective.

Absolutely! That said, her point could have been made without the finger pointing, the shaming and the use of inflammatory words like "ashamed", "afraid" and "liar". How was that helpful or respectful? How do inaccurate assumptions about MY personal feelings make her point valid?

[OnePhatWhoDat 54]

*SIGH*

[Kindle 8,667]

Thank you everyone for your replies to my rant....both the likers and the haters. Its nice to see that at least some people understand my frustration with the deception, half truths and shame that surrounds WLS. As for the haters, I guess my perspective and values are just so different from yours that a productive debate is not really possible. It's like trying to have a conversation in two different languages. I cannot atone dishonesty and you are too private to be truthful. Where do we go from there?

So please keep the posts coming. there are some really great points on both sides. And for those of you who want to continue to bash me, that's OK, too....I won't be offended or hurt. Like I said before, I don't need acceptance from others to feel good about myself.

[Jersrose43 837]

I think we can all support each other In Our individual decisions.

However lately there have been numerous posts along the lines of what lie/fib/exaggeration can I make up.

Again, lack of self esteem and self confidence in my opinion.

Either put your big girl panties on and say it's private and I'd rather not discuss it. Or shout it from the World Trade Center.

Whatever you decide my preference is you not lie.

I will support you whatever path you choose.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

... my frustration with the deception, half truths and shame ...

... I cannot atone dishonesty and you are too private to be truthful...

Again with the disrespectful name calling and ill conceived accusations. Weren't you the one calling for respect?

It's bizarre to me that I am 100% supporting your decision to tell the world about your choices, yet if I disagree with your opinion and choose to keep my decision private, I am a hater, liar, untruthful, etc.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,357]

I would so love to walk away from this thread and could if the madness would just stop. Who else is monitoring this thread. It can't just be me.! Right!?

ALEX! Help!

[LipstickLady 25,682]

I'm a moderator in here, too, but I see no reason to shut anything down. I'm a big girl. I can take being called names because I am standing up for my right to privacy. . I certainly won't be bullied into changing my view. I'm far too old for that.

Edited October 21, 2014 by LipstickLady

[Jersrose43 837]

Knock it off --- I'm 29!

Again and again.

I am keeping the real number private. I think ??

[RJ'S/beginning 5,357]

I'm a moderator in here, too, but I see no reason to shut anything down. I'm a big girl. I can take being called names because I am standing up for my right to privacy. . I certainly won't be bullied into changing my view. I'm far too old for that.

Your not that big! I'll leave you to it girl then.....