When you can't even be honest with yourself

[jjinWA 511]

There is no deception to this. It is simply my own private business and I will share with whom I choose and will exclude the facts from those I choose. My life... My choice.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,357]

I'm sorry I'm stuck on the Facebook poll, are you serious? That's just plain wicked. Some people can be so hurtful even when they think they're trying to help. As if taking a poll among facebook users, most of whom probably aren't even educated enough on the topic to comment let alone take a poll, iwould to stop you from doing what you know is best for you. I'm sorry you had to deal with such a crappy friend. Do you think she was just angry that if you lost the weight she'd lose you as a friend?

Yup it is true. She took the poll when I was in the hospital with complications due to my choices. We have only talked once and that was the time she told me she had done that. We have had no conversations since. I thought we were friends. But then I thought I was friends with others who dumped me too. I thought for a while I must be a horrible person. But I think what I was was a person who did a lot for others and when it came time for me to need them. They were just to busy to even care. Artificial friends! I have a bunch..Anyone looking for some! LOL

[RJ'S/beginning 5,357]

You are right, I am very blessed to have such overwhelming support (or rather non-judgemental responses) to my surgery. But of course I didn't know how each person would react when I told them. I guess its easier for me to be open about my surgery because 1) I can't lie. I just wasn't raised that way and even telling a little fib or half truth leaves me feeling uncomfortable. And 2) I truly don't care what others say or think about me. If they want to be judgemental or talk about me in gossip circles, that's fine. That's their flaw, not mine. I am confident, strong and don't need acceptance from others to feel OKabout myself. I have dozens, probably hundreds of acquaintances and casual friends, but only a very few close friends. I just see the fakeness in so many people and choose to only keep "genuine" people close to me.

Ok, I'm really rambling now. I'll shut up. And please, keep the comments coming. I feel strongly about defending my opinions and I think others should do the same. I don't mind being disagreed with. It's only honesty and respect I demand....and probably why I have a hard time respecting dishonesty.

This Kindle is where you inferred that you can't lie which implied that those who don't tell the four corners of the earth are. Everyone lies! Everyone does it daily in one way or another. To say I was not raised that way is a noble gesture. I was not raised that way either. Does not mean that I don't lie. I am not a pathological liar. Those are the scary ones.

[annisa 31]

Wow lots of different opinions here! I agree with the majority. Being in the health care I totally understand everyone's right to privacy and respect it! As for me, at first I didn't want to tell anyone for several reasons. 1. Being a failure, hey most of us feel we have failed, and we will fail at this too, right!? 2 embarrassed I can't do it on my own! Oh yeah we've heard it all, diet, exercise etc., etc., etc. come on, change places with me, you eat more than I do!

I choose to tell my immediate family up to surgery time, the is hardening a couple of coworkers. They all know now, and that's ok with me,

I am truly blessed with the live, and support of my family! They are the best. My friends are happy for me, at least the ones I have seen up to this point. If they aren't, I am not here to please everyone. Walk in my shoes,the we can discuss how you feel.

Great discussion, I couldn't stop reading. Carry on be successful!

Good luck to all

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

I'm not a science experiment for the amusement of others. There are several toxic people in my life that have no business being in my business. I started out telling five people. One was my toxic to-be-ex spouse. He told me it was the easy way out and I got no/zero/nada support from him. I expected that and wasn't disappointed. As my weight comes off I answer questions at the level I feel safe with the person. Some hear, "I'm working with a doctor and eating less and moving more." A few I've told the whole story to since they didn't land in the toxic category and sincerely asked for their own benefit. The looky-loos can go ogle somebody else and conjecture all they want. I'm not the poster child for LapBand. That's @@Alex Brecher and he's done a fine job at it (thanks, Alex!).

Call me deceptive or deceitful or self deluding or whatever you like. Some toxic people I know have called me worse. No skin off my skinny @$$.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Makes me sad to hear of so many people who have been hurt....not supported by loved ones. I feel so blessed that every soul I have talked to about my WLS and plastics (skin removal reconstruction after massive weight loss) has been either enthusiastic supporter or good sense to remain silent. What the heck is wrong with people? ?

[shellyd88 463]

Makes me sad to hear of so many people who have been hurt....not supported by loved ones. I feel so blessed that every soul I have talked to about my WLS and plastics (skin removal reconstruction after massive weight loss) has been either enthusiastic supporter or good sense to remain silent. What the heck is wrong with people? ?

People feel they can criticize our method of losing weight there's a real lack of compassion for food addicts u have rehab for drugs and alcohol I feel like this our "rehab" so to speak much the same as drugs and alcohol if u don't work the program u will fail as obses ppl we can sometimes take a lot of crap that others wouldn't take the ppl with all the negative " opinions" are often the biggest offenders of shaming us and acting superior to us well if we lose weight what are they going to be able to insult us about? I've had ppl in my family say things to me like well "just don't eat so much ... Really? if it were that simple no one would be overwieght or offering to "cook my meals" lol that almost made fall over laughing considering I've been cooking since I was 10 yrs old taught them to cook fed them as children and adults still do who do they come to for holidays party's etc? Me! it's not a matter of not being able to cook or not understanding nutrishion it's a matter of wanting to eat too much food too often much like drugs and alcohol it's an addiction the skinny ppl just don't seem to get it

[happymama2014 206]

I'm going to be careful who I friend on this site apparently there's some strong opinions about those folks who don't feel the need to shout my surgery from the rooftops.

This post has made me really rethink my conversations.

Pretty sad that someone saying that were liars and somehow morally corrupt (not raised that way) because were not out telling people that we have lost weight by having weight-loss surgery.

I don't think this is a healthy debate I think it's left a very bad taste in my mouth.

[Jim1967 3,569]

Obviously, many people choose not to disclose and I appreciate your viewpoints and the arguments of why it may not work for some. It's just the deception that bothered me because allowing people to think you lost so much weight the "old fashioned way" perpetuates the idea that WLS is not necessary.

Everyone has to make up his or her own mind on this but I will say when I get asked about how I lost weight I am always quick to mention WLS. WLS no doubt saved my life and if hearing me talking about it inspires someone else to make that first step then all the better. I give WLS more credit then I give myself because of my past attempts/failures.

At the same time...

Do I think it is my responsibility to stand on a soapbox and sell it or preach it? Hell NO....I feel awkward enough posting pictures and flashing tickers under my name.

I think I see where you are coming from now Kindle and I respect that you admit your initial post was a little "off the cuff". I agree that intentionally misleading people on how one has lost weight is just sad. It is a personal decision one must make to disclose but in my opinion if one can't be truthful then why answer at all. End of the day you're lying to yourself anyway.

When I was attending mandatory preop support classes there were people in there making statements that they want the surgery, lose the weight and then move on and forget they had WLS at all. These are the ones today that make me think back and wonder if they were successful or not.

Deception is not always about fooling or lying to others. Sometimes it is about coming to terms with your own demons and accepting you needed help.

[gowalking 10,790]

Makes me sad to hear of so many people who have been hurt....not supported by loved ones. I feel so blessed that every soul I have talked to about my WLS and plastics (skin removal reconstruction after massive weight loss) has been either enthusiastic supporter or good sense to remain silent. What the heck is wrong with people? ?

You know what I say Jane? Some people aren't happy unless they aren't happy. There are people out there who don't like to see others do well. I suspect it's because these folks are not doing well in their own lives. As another poster said...toxic.

[Algae 67]

I can respect that many people don't want to be the public voice for WLS, even as recipients of this surgery. But I also see the value in those who are an "open book." It seems that there are many layers of middle ground between those who decide to keep this surgery private and those who want to make the public aware of WLS and use their own life as an example.

As a child I was sexually abused for many years. I didn't choose that for my self or my life, but it happened. As I've worked through the trauma I experienced as a child, there are many times when I've sworn I would never, ever let anyone know what happened to me. Shame, embarrassment, denial, anger... I've felt them all.

Even though each person who reads this would probably respond that those experiences aren't my fault and that their hearts go out to me, I still feel dirty and shameful. No one shouts these things from the rooftop joyfully, thankfully.

But it takes someone who has been through this hell to change things in society. While I may not want to be the poster child for sexual abuse, I'm also thankful that there are people who champion this cause.

I just wanted to use this as an illustration. There will be many reasons for WLS and not everyone will travel the same path to get there. Whether I prefer to stay private about my surgery or if I'm loud and proud, I think the following sentiments apply to everyone. I'm thankful for the people who have gone before us and paved a way for us to have these surgeries. I'm also thankful for the people who feel comfortable and open to share their journey on here to help others. And I'm thankful for those of you who are actively working to lessen the stigma of WLS.

[Kindle 8,667]

Jim, you're right, and I specifically stated in another post that I'm not talking about shouting from rooftops or posting on social media. I have done neither. This was about the answer you give when specifically asked about how you lost so much weight. VSGAnn give a good answer of how truthful disclosure may affect her career. Others gave examples of how the news ruined relationships with friends and family. I am totally disgusted when I hear these stories. As for friends, good riddance, I wouldn't want those types of people in my life anyways. What's the point of having "fake" friends? Of course it gets more complicated with family when you are forced to deal with them even after discovering what jerks they are.

The dilemma is weighing the potential negative outcome of full disclosure against the perpetuation of WLS and obesity stigma and myths. Because with the stigma comes the embarrassment and shame a lot of obese people feel, and shouldn't have to. Those that choose not to disclose will forever be the example of how much weight you can lose by simply exercising and eating less.

Edited October 23, 2014 by Kindle

[Kindle 8,667]

Algae, bravo!

[Bandora 136]

I didn't tell many people at first. I think mostly because I was afraid of failure. These were the people who had seen me lose and gain many times. Once it became obvious ( at about the 50lb mark) I did open up to a few people. Now I am open with everyone who asks or has not seen me in a long time. Some people are private I guess and don't want to make a big deal. It is the same to me as a person who gets a facelift or a breast augmentation. We can see you did something, why lie? But I just know in my own situation I did not want to broadcast something until I knew I was successful.

[MsUjima 109]

It is not about sharing it is about misleading.

It seems to me if through some conversation, a discussion arises around a person's weight loss. The only honest response is

(a) I'd rather not discuss it or

( I had WLS

any other response really can leave the impression that you lost weight soley through exercise/diet - that is horribly misleading and damaging to others.

While a person has every right to keep their medical history private, I really don't think the person should directly or indirectly lie.