My ex-friend keeps writing negatively about me on different blogs and web sites because she disagrees with my decision to get weight loss surgery. She made a decision recently to end our friendship when she found out I was getting this surgery. I don't know what my surgery has to do with her. It's my body, not hers. Why does she keep writing about me? I don't understand.

Here are the things she's written about me (that I know of):

http://fiercefatties.com/2014/06/10/choosing-self-preservation-and-kindness-over-friends/

Choosing Self-Preservation and Kindness Over Friends

I’m fairly picky about my friends, it’s true. I hold my friends to a high standard and any bigotry must go. I’ve ended friendships over sexism, racism, ableism, homophobia/biphobia/transphobia, and, yes, fatphobia.

The thing is, most people understand perfectly when you end a friendship because your friend ends up being a racist or a homophobe, but they get all undie-bunched when it comes to choosing friends who are not fatphobic, like this sort of bigotry should be accepted and tolerated with kindness. Which yes, some people can and do, and that’s perfectly fine. Change people from the inside. You go!

The thing is, though, you’re also allowed to not have that negativity in your life. For many of us fatties, having fatphobes around constantly bombarding us with body hate, either internalized or directed at us, is extraordinarily triggering. Many of us have experience with eating disorders, many more with disordered eating, and almost all of us, at some point, have hated our bodies. Being around the negativity of weight bigotry can put us in a very bad and very dark place. But, say the haters, you should just deal with it because body hate is perfectly acceptable in our society.

Now, I do understand that someone with fat hate issues can’t necessarily be blamed. In a culture that constantly demonizes fat and fat people, how can you really not have fat hate issues unless you’be become Enlightened through education and understanding? It’s tough, and internalized fat hate is society’s fault especially more than the person’s. But that doesn’t mean I have to put myself around it.

And this is where the self-preservation and kindness part comes in. I have the right to look after my mental and physical well-being. I have the right to say that enough is enough and that I need positive body influences in my life. You have that exact same right and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Recently, I ended a friendship because this friend decided to get weight loss surgery. She was involved in the Fat Acceptance movement, so it was a double blow and a personal betrayal. I decided that it would be very bad for my health (mental and physical) to watch someone I care about go through that all because of severe internalized fat hate. As someone with a 10-year history of having an eating disorder, I could not watch someone choose what amounts to a medically-induced eating disorder (and, in fact, medical anorexia can be an official side effect of these surgeries).

I blogged about this on my personal blog and got bombarded with pro-WLS people calling me sexist slurs, threatening me, and calling me a horrible person/friend, all because I decided to look out for myself. If there’s one thing that I want you to take away from this blog post, it’s that no friendship is worth your mental or physical health. No relationship is worth your health. Period.

Now, personally, my friend was completely oblivious to how her actions could effect me at all. I chalk this up to pure self-centeredness, but I have the feeling the rest of you know exactly what I’m talking about. Others’ actions have consequences. They do affect friends, family, and lovers. Your decisions are not made in a vacuum and the consequences of those decisions don’t exist in a vacuum. Your body hate poisons other people.

So, be careful who your friends are. If you are the type of person who can stay friends with bigots and try to change them, then more power to you. We need people to change the world from the inside. But if you aren’t, that’s perfectly acceptable too. Never, ever feel guilty for taking care of yourself. You’re totally worth taking care of.

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http://www.reddit.com/r/BodyAcceptance/comments/27ski4/choosing_selfpreservation_and_kindness_over/

Too much to copy/paste here

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http://fatgirlposing.blogspot.com/2014/05/casualties.html

Casualties

My heart is heavy today and has been since Saturday when my best
friend dropped the bomb that she's getting weight loss surgery. The
betrayal, hurt, and anger that I've felt since then is mind boggling.
Since becoming involved with fat acceptance I've cut body negative
people out of my life. I've surrounded myself with people who are
positive and work hard for a wide variety of human and animal rights
issues. In other words, good people. Positive people. People who make
a difference in the world. So my world was rocked when my best friend,
after hiding it from me for months, told me that she was getting
cosmetic surgery to become thinner.

My friend is the captain of her own underpants and she can get
cosmetic surgery if she wants to, of course, but I'm captain of my own
underpants as well and I have the right to cut out people who
compromise my mental or physical well being. Having gone through a
decade long eating disorder where I was constantly praised for
starving myself, over exercising, and abusing diet pills, I can't
watch someone I care about put themselves through a medically induced
eating disorder.

I look forward to the day when weight loss surgery is banned as
medically unnecessary, dangerous, and bigoted. Weight loss cosmetic
surgery represents the extremes that our society will go to to
eradicate fat people. For all of the horror that a person feels when
they see a very thin person with an ED, it doesn't seem to hold true
for fat people with ED's. While I have a lot of personal experience
with that, this experience seems to hit closer to home Perhaps because
my friend was involved in the fat acceptance community. I thought
better of her. Not brainwashed by society's standards.

Internalized fatphobia is a horrible thing.

The bottom line is that we applaud fat people for doing dangerous,
irresponsible, unethical, things that put our lives on the line in the
name of thinness. But how would the world react if the opposite were
true? If thin people literally risked their lives to become fat
because they thought it looked prettier? I have a feeling I know the
answer.

So, I suppose I've finally experienced a personal casualty in the War
On Fat. During my own struggles I came close to losing my life, but
this somehow feels so much worse.

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This is what she emailed me:

ten reasons why you're perfect the way you are and you don't need
cosmetic surgery.

1. you're beautiful the way you are: cosmetic surgery can change how
you look,but it doesn't change who you are.

2. cosmetic surgery won't fix your self esteem: too many people have
thought that it would, but losing weight and looking different won't
automatically make you feel better about yourself. you need to do that
from the inside and you can do that at any weight.

3. you can be healthy at any size- you have to change your behaviors,
not your appearance. currently you don't eat well or exercise and if
you lose weight but still don't change those behaviors then you're
still going to have issues. Remember that studies show that health
problems initially go away during weight loss but very often return
because weight does not equal health.

4. this particular type of cosmetic surgery is dangerous. The sleeve
is less dangerous than some other methods, but they're all dangerous.
There's a laundry list of side effects that i'm sure you've seen,
including death. is it really worth it just to look more socially
acceptable?

5. you're making a statement: when a fat person decides that being
thin is better than being fat and actively tries to change their
bodies it makes a statement about all fat people and it makes a social
statement. and that is that being thin is better than being fat.

6. people already love you just the way you are: this needs little
explanation.. people already care about you, you have no problem
finding dates or hook ups. your life isn't hindered by anything except
your lack of confidence which won't be fixed by cosmetic surgery.

7. body hate poisons you: work on loving yourself instead of blaming your body

8. your body works hard for you- why abuse it? I apologized to my body
a long time ago for the eating disorder I put it through, for the self
injury I put it through, for the abuse I put it through. No body
should be treated that way. you're willing to mutilate your lovely
body and put it through a medically induced eating disorder. why do
you feel it deserves that kind of hatred and abuse?

9. it's fatphobic: you know enough about fat acceptance and body
politics for me not to need to go into too much detail here. It's
related to number 5- you're becoming part of a society that favors
thin people over fat people and giving it your seal of approval. that
society is not only fatphobic but misogynistic and classist as well.
You're choosing to stop fighting against that and to give into it
instead.

10. You'll be losing a friend: Because I find WLS to be completely
unethical and because I struggled with my own eating disorder for ten
years, I can't watch someone purposefully do that to themselves. The
body hate, the negativity, and the triggers are just too much for me.
Maybe that's not even close to enough to keep you from doing this
surgery, but at least I can say I tried. You know that body hate and
intentional weight loss go against everything that I stand for. I
can't just sit by and watch it happen to someone I care about. I can't
do it and I won't. So, while it's your body and your choice, realize
that that choice comes with consequences. I'm also allowed to make my
own choices for my own mental well being. Literally every time I
talked to your or hung out with you it would be heartbreaking and
triggering. Friendships shouldn't be a negative experience which is
why I would have to end this one.

I have a daughter with someone who fits the classic definition of sociopath so I get it. I also have a nephew who was diagnosed with a general mental health disorder officially, but many thought was actually a sociopath. ( he too fits the definition) So I have come to spot them a bit easier than others may.

I have a daughter with someone who fits the classic definition of sociopath so I get it.

thank the gods i never had a child with my first husband. **shudder**

"Now, personally, my friend was completely oblivious to how her actions could effect me at all. I chalk this up to pure self-centeredness"

Wow she has no idea that the self centeredness she refers to is her own. Why should a decision as big as WLS be based on your friend's feelings. Honestly all these tirades are not about you but about how the change your making is making her feel. There is not a lot you can do about it.

She smacks of being a sociopath. She is spouting such venom because you are not living your life to her standards. To that I say ppfffffffffffffffffft. You do not need such a negative nelly in your sphere. Let her keep that venom. It also appears she wants to hurt you and get a reaction out of you. I can pretty much guarantee that she is waiting for your reaction. Not responding to her will bother her more than any type of reaction. Never give such people what they expect.

This reminds me of a special on PBS. A group of women with weight problems or not a problem, however you care to classify it, formed their friendships. Some decided to get bypass or wls. One got the lapband. Those that got the surgery were treated differently. Like outcasts. It tested and broke many of the friendships.
Please remember, you did this for you. Who cares what this nasty piece of work posts? I would also care for you to see that she was probably this nasty before and you didn't see it. Now you do. She probably was your worst frienemy. She probably sabotaged things you attempted before.

I say, document your own journey.

We (all of us here) know this isn't easy. It's not simple. It takes hard work and effort. You have new friends here, taking a similar path to yours. Here is compassion and empathy. The surgery is but a first step of many steps on this path. You are not alone and not discouraged here.
You have probably thought long and hard about this. You have worked hard to come this far. Now is the time to enjoy yourself and your new life path.

WHOA. What a nutcase.

good call roo! i agree. i was married to a sociopath for 9 years (i am not using hyperbole here). narcissism and borderline personality disorder are closely related personality disorders. i can spot their manipulations, projections and self focus a mile away. but most people don't understand the whole personality disorder thing. so i usually dont bring it up. but yes, i thought that from the very first paragraph.

this website focuses on romantic relationships with sociopaths, but the principals in this little article apply here too. http://www.lovefraud.com/are-you-a-target/leaving-a-sociopath/no-contact/

That is my ex to a T. Luckily she can just drop her as a friend and she doesn't have to ever see her again. It's incredibly difficult when you have to share your child with such a person.

thank the gods i never had a child with my first husband. **shudder**

You have NO idea. You are very lucky. I don't regret my daughter but I regret having a child with him.

I think some of the same traits that make us targets for sociopaths are the same traits that lead to us becoming fat.

You have NO idea. You are very lucky. I don't regret my daughter but I regret having a child with him.

I think some of the same traits that make us targets for sociopaths are the same traits that lead to us becoming fat.

i have some idea. i raised his child from the age of 3 until she was 13. 7 of those years was full time. when i finally got heathy enough to leave him he took his daughter away and i never saw her again. that was 15 years ago. i recently reconnected with her on facebook but still have not met up with her in person, she is still too wary cause her father is still a big part of her life and has filled her head with lies about what really happened and what kind of person i am. but no, i didnt have my own child with him, that would have been even more devastating if i had to deal with him for the last 15 years. at least he's been gone from my life, even if he did take my stepdaughter too.

Yes, she weighs well over 300 lbs and is morbidly obese. She thinks she's healthy though since she eats vegan.

Congratulations on that 300 pound loss. May you never find those pounds again.

i have some idea. i raised his child from the age of 3 until she was 13. 7 of those years was full time. when i finally got heathy enough to leave him he took his daughter away and i never saw her again. that was 15 years ago. i recently reconnected with her on facebook but still have not met up with her in person, she is still too wary cause her father is still a big part of her life and has filled her head with lies about what really happened and what kind of person i am. but no, i didnt have my own child with him, that would have been even more devastating if i had to deal with him for the last 15 years. at least he's been gone from my life, even if he did take my stepdaughter too.

I'm sorry. They always find a way to lie without regret to get people on their side.

I do not think it is jealousy. This person has built up a world view where being fat is alright and perfectly healthy. I agree it is alright, However, it is not healthy. She is seeing your choice to improve your health and quality of life as a criticism of her choice to remain fat. It threatens her. It challenges her happy bubble.

It looks like there is nothing you can do but remain fat with her or move on.

Words to live by....

i love that.

I just created an account only to say this: block her out. Please. And all others who believe she is right to that entitlement. Cosmetic surgery or not (inho, it's more of a health issue), you need people who will support you in this and through the whole process, not people who'll drag you down and make you feel guilty for taking this natter in your own hands. Bring positivity and support, and stop reading whatever toxicity she brings in. Please. That's not a friend. Friends look out for each other and love each other no matter what, ESPECIALLY during hard times and life altering decisions like this.

You go, girl! Proud of you already

Hi, Sharon,

I've been reading your posts and couldn't resist going over to the fiercefatties site to read your "friend's" post and the resulting comments. And me being me, couldn't resist posting my own. It may get taken down, as it is waiting on "approval" by the moderator. Here's what I wrote:

Having read posts from the friend on other sites, this isn’t about fat hating or being fat phobic. It’s about her health and WLS resolving the health issues she has. Yes, she will lose weight. but, really, that’s just a side effect of regaining her health. And before everyone attacks me saying that there are other ways to get healthy and stay fat. No, there’s really not. Not when the health issues are being caused by being obese. Obesity kills.
It’s that simple. Maybe there are those that will dodge the bullet, but I doubt it. Obesity comes in second only to smoking for being the largest preventable cause of death. Heart disease, stroke, asthma, osteoarthritis, cancer, fatty liver (which can lead to liver cancer), sleep apnea,renal insufficiency (kidney failure) and the list goes on. Do you really wish this on your friend? If so, she’s better off with out your friendship. Friends don’t wish ill on friends. If you have really discarded her as a friend, why do you keep attacking her in blogs and postings. Me thinks thou protests too much.

Your now ex-friend seems to me to be protesting WAY too much. It really makes me wonder what her real issue is.