My ex-friend keeps writing negatively about me on different blogs and web sites because she disagrees with my decision to get weight loss surgery. She made a decision recently to end our friendship when she found out I was getting this surgery. I don't know what my surgery has to do with her. It's my body, not hers. Why does she keep writing about me? I don't understand.

Here are the things she's written about me (that I know of):

http://fiercefatties.com/2014/06/10/choosing-self-preservation-and-kindness-over-friends/

Choosing Self-Preservation and Kindness Over Friends

I’m fairly picky about my friends, it’s true. I hold my friends to a high standard and any bigotry must go. I’ve ended friendships over sexism, racism, ableism, homophobia/biphobia/transphobia, and, yes, fatphobia.

The thing is, most people understand perfectly when you end a friendship because your friend ends up being a racist or a homophobe, but they get all undie-bunched when it comes to choosing friends who are not fatphobic, like this sort of bigotry should be accepted and tolerated with kindness. Which yes, some people can and do, and that’s perfectly fine. Change people from the inside. You go!

The thing is, though, you’re also allowed to not have that negativity in your life. For many of us fatties, having fatphobes around constantly bombarding us with body hate, either internalized or directed at us, is extraordinarily triggering. Many of us have experience with eating disorders, many more with disordered eating, and almost all of us, at some point, have hated our bodies. Being around the negativity of weight bigotry can put us in a very bad and very dark place. But, say the haters, you should just deal with it because body hate is perfectly acceptable in our society.

Now, I do understand that someone with fat hate issues can’t necessarily be blamed. In a culture that constantly demonizes fat and fat people, how can you really not have fat hate issues unless you’be become Enlightened through education and understanding? It’s tough, and internalized fat hate is society’s fault especially more than the person’s. But that doesn’t mean I have to put myself around it.

And this is where the self-preservation and kindness part comes in. I have the right to look after my mental and physical well-being. I have the right to say that enough is enough and that I need positive body influences in my life. You have that exact same right and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Recently, I ended a friendship because this friend decided to get weight loss surgery. She was involved in the Fat Acceptance movement, so it was a double blow and a personal betrayal. I decided that it would be very bad for my health (mental and physical) to watch someone I care about go through that all because of severe internalized fat hate. As someone with a 10-year history of having an eating disorder, I could not watch someone choose what amounts to a medically-induced eating disorder (and, in fact, medical anorexia can be an official side effect of these surgeries).

I blogged about this on my personal blog and got bombarded with pro-WLS people calling me sexist slurs, threatening me, and calling me a horrible person/friend, all because I decided to look out for myself. If there’s one thing that I want you to take away from this blog post, it’s that no friendship is worth your mental or physical health. No relationship is worth your health. Period.

Now, personally, my friend was completely oblivious to how her actions could effect me at all. I chalk this up to pure self-centeredness, but I have the feeling the rest of you know exactly what I’m talking about. Others’ actions have consequences. They do affect friends, family, and lovers. Your decisions are not made in a vacuum and the consequences of those decisions don’t exist in a vacuum. Your body hate poisons other people.

So, be careful who your friends are. If you are the type of person who can stay friends with bigots and try to change them, then more power to you. We need people to change the world from the inside. But if you aren’t, that’s perfectly acceptable too. Never, ever feel guilty for taking care of yourself. You’re totally worth taking care of.

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http://www.reddit.com/r/BodyAcceptance/comments/27ski4/choosing_selfpreservation_and_kindness_over/

Too much to copy/paste here

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http://fatgirlposing.blogspot.com/2014/05/casualties.html

Casualties

My heart is heavy today and has been since Saturday when my best
friend dropped the bomb that she's getting weight loss surgery. The
betrayal, hurt, and anger that I've felt since then is mind boggling.
Since becoming involved with fat acceptance I've cut body negative
people out of my life. I've surrounded myself with people who are
positive and work hard for a wide variety of human and animal rights
issues. In other words, good people. Positive people. People who make
a difference in the world. So my world was rocked when my best friend,
after hiding it from me for months, told me that she was getting
cosmetic surgery to become thinner.

My friend is the captain of her own underpants and she can get
cosmetic surgery if she wants to, of course, but I'm captain of my own
underpants as well and I have the right to cut out people who
compromise my mental or physical well being. Having gone through a
decade long eating disorder where I was constantly praised for
starving myself, over exercising, and abusing diet pills, I can't
watch someone I care about put themselves through a medically induced
eating disorder.

I look forward to the day when weight loss surgery is banned as
medically unnecessary, dangerous, and bigoted. Weight loss cosmetic
surgery represents the extremes that our society will go to to
eradicate fat people. For all of the horror that a person feels when
they see a very thin person with an ED, it doesn't seem to hold true
for fat people with ED's. While I have a lot of personal experience
with that, this experience seems to hit closer to home Perhaps because
my friend was involved in the fat acceptance community. I thought
better of her. Not brainwashed by society's standards.

Internalized fatphobia is a horrible thing.

The bottom line is that we applaud fat people for doing dangerous,
irresponsible, unethical, things that put our lives on the line in the
name of thinness. But how would the world react if the opposite were
true? If thin people literally risked their lives to become fat
because they thought it looked prettier? I have a feeling I know the
answer.

So, I suppose I've finally experienced a personal casualty in the War
On Fat. During my own struggles I came close to losing my life, but
this somehow feels so much worse.

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This is what she emailed me:

ten reasons why you're perfect the way you are and you don't need
cosmetic surgery.

1. you're beautiful the way you are: cosmetic surgery can change how
you look,but it doesn't change who you are.

2. cosmetic surgery won't fix your self esteem: too many people have
thought that it would, but losing weight and looking different won't
automatically make you feel better about yourself. you need to do that
from the inside and you can do that at any weight.

3. you can be healthy at any size- you have to change your behaviors,
not your appearance. currently you don't eat well or exercise and if
you lose weight but still don't change those behaviors then you're
still going to have issues. Remember that studies show that health
problems initially go away during weight loss but very often return
because weight does not equal health.

4. this particular type of cosmetic surgery is dangerous. The sleeve
is less dangerous than some other methods, but they're all dangerous.
There's a laundry list of side effects that i'm sure you've seen,
including death. is it really worth it just to look more socially
acceptable?

5. you're making a statement: when a fat person decides that being
thin is better than being fat and actively tries to change their
bodies it makes a statement about all fat people and it makes a social
statement. and that is that being thin is better than being fat.

6. people already love you just the way you are: this needs little
explanation.. people already care about you, you have no problem
finding dates or hook ups. your life isn't hindered by anything except
your lack of confidence which won't be fixed by cosmetic surgery.

7. body hate poisons you: work on loving yourself instead of blaming your body

8. your body works hard for you- why abuse it? I apologized to my body
a long time ago for the eating disorder I put it through, for the self
injury I put it through, for the abuse I put it through. No body
should be treated that way. you're willing to mutilate your lovely
body and put it through a medically induced eating disorder. why do
you feel it deserves that kind of hatred and abuse?

9. it's fatphobic: you know enough about fat acceptance and body
politics for me not to need to go into too much detail here. It's
related to number 5- you're becoming part of a society that favors
thin people over fat people and giving it your seal of approval. that
society is not only fatphobic but misogynistic and classist as well.
You're choosing to stop fighting against that and to give into it
instead.

10. You'll be losing a friend: Because I find WLS to be completely
unethical and because I struggled with my own eating disorder for ten
years, I can't watch someone purposefully do that to themselves. The
body hate, the negativity, and the triggers are just too much for me.
Maybe that's not even close to enough to keep you from doing this
surgery, but at least I can say I tried. You know that body hate and
intentional weight loss go against everything that I stand for. I
can't just sit by and watch it happen to someone I care about. I can't
do it and I won't. So, while it's your body and your choice, realize
that that choice comes with consequences. I'm also allowed to make my
own choices for my own mental well being. Literally every time I
talked to your or hung out with you it would be heartbreaking and
triggering. Friendships shouldn't be a negative experience which is
why I would have to end this one.

Hi, Sharon,

I've been reading your posts and couldn't resist going over to the fiercefatties site to read your "friend's" post and the resulting comments. And me being me, couldn't resist posting my own. It may get taken down, as it is waiting on "approval" by the moderator. Here's what I wrote:

Your now ex-friend seems to me to be protesting WAY too much. It really makes me wonder what her real issue is.

she never posted my comment. and it was really mild. though i dont know that i would have mentioned sharon posting on other websites... that seems like throwing gasoline on the fire that might redouble her efforts to reel sharon in again. i hope not, she seems like someone who would like getting revenge too much.

if you want to know what her real issue is, you can read the recent posts by myself, roo and greensleeves.

Mommabird, that was so caring of you! Blessings right back to you. Most people would not go out of their way to stand up for and to- a bully! Kudos!

What a hoot of a thread!

"Cosmetic surgery" ???

That person is nuts.

You should thank your lucky stars you're rid of her.

Good grief!

She is a very unhappy person and it appears she wants everyone around her to be unhappy also. Be good to yourself and do what is good for you! It's hard to let go of a friend but you have to wonder if she was ever really your friend to begin with...friends don't treat each other like that imo.

Good luck with your journey and don't let her put any more negativity in your life.

She seems to be projecting. Not sure what your surgery has to do with her and her life. Her posts are very ME ME ME, this is how YOU doing something affects ME. Who the eff cares? If she was an actual friend, she would be supportive even if she didn't agree with the route you're taking. She was clearly only hanging around so long as she had someone to be 'better than'. The minute you started making decisions and doing things FOR YOU, ABOUT YOU, she turned tail.

Ex friend is right. Ignore that bitter, projecting person and focus on your new life. It's gonna be awesome and soon you won't remember her name.

I must say that the whole fatalicious movement is rather odd to me. It's not that I'm unaware of it, but I find it odd to revel in a condition that is so obviously unhealthy.

Yes, I think it's healthy not to hate yourself for ANY reason. But to then turn against people who are trying to become healthier -- that's seems dope.

Mostly, it seems loony to think someone is betraying you personally if they make a decision about their own body that is counter to the decision you're making about your body. That's someone with massive issues about controlling others.

OK, I'm done being agog at this.

haters gonna hate. just make sure you are happy, and fill your surroundings with people who love you for who you are. keep on keepin on!

I don't think this really has anything to do with you-she's dealing with her own issues....and you happen to be there.... Sorry she's doing this to you!

Edited June 16, 201412 yr by Steph W-O

re: "I’m fairly picky about my friends, it’s true. I hold my friends to a high standard"

good point

The post I read was all about HER, not you.

Keep out of her life.

Develop your own friends based on what is important to you.

Your former friend has either separation anxiety or some kind of control-freak disorder.

Stop reading her stuff.

re: "I’m fairly picky about my friends, it’s true. I hold my friends to a high standard.

this is code for "i only keep people around who can feed my narcissism."

YIKES!! She sees you as a THREAT! You are going to change your life, she wants you to not change your life, because SHE doesn't want to change her life! Does that make sense?

Please STOP reading anything she is blogging/mailing, etc. It will just upset you.

Maybe some day, she will see that surgery is a LIFESAVER and want to get it herself. Hopefully, she will come to you and apologize and ask for your support. You sound like a very caring person, and I would imagine you would be there for her.

For now...KEEP YOUR DISTANCE!

So, here is a post that did NOT get approved over at FreeThinking Fatties. They are not quite so free thinking, I'm thinking:

Why does someone having WLS imply they are not a fat/body acceptance advocate? I had a Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy 3 years ago because my quality of life was going downhill. My health issues were increasing and I couldn't play with my young kids at the level I or they wanted. I have been married in a loving relationship for many years and my wife has always accepted me for who I am. Am I a skinny person? No. I have lost over 120 pounds and hover just below the 200 mark. My bloodwork comes back great and I am able to avoid pretty much all of the weight related complications I was dealing with.

Does this make me a fatty hater? In no way am I or anyone else who gets WLS, I believe, judging those who are morbidly obese who wish to stay that way. Quite the opposite, actually. For me, WLS wasn't about getting skinny, it was about living longer with a higher quality of life, health-wise. I know there are many folks who are morbidly obese and healthy, but I was not one of them. Just like you don't want me to judge you for being fat, please don't judge me for taking measures not to be.

Great responses to this thread. Just loved everything you guys wrote.