My ex-friend keeps writing negatively about me on different blogs and web sites because she disagrees with my decision to get weight loss surgery. She made a decision recently to end our friendship when she found out I was getting this surgery. I don't know what my surgery has to do with her. It's my body, not hers. Why does she keep writing about me? I don't understand.

Here are the things she's written about me (that I know of):

http://fiercefatties.com/2014/06/10/choosing-self-preservation-and-kindness-over-friends/

Choosing Self-Preservation and Kindness Over Friends

I’m fairly picky about my friends, it’s true. I hold my friends to a high standard and any bigotry must go. I’ve ended friendships over sexism, racism, ableism, homophobia/biphobia/transphobia, and, yes, fatphobia.

The thing is, most people understand perfectly when you end a friendship because your friend ends up being a racist or a homophobe, but they get all undie-bunched when it comes to choosing friends who are not fatphobic, like this sort of bigotry should be accepted and tolerated with kindness. Which yes, some people can and do, and that’s perfectly fine. Change people from the inside. You go!

The thing is, though, you’re also allowed to not have that negativity in your life. For many of us fatties, having fatphobes around constantly bombarding us with body hate, either internalized or directed at us, is extraordinarily triggering. Many of us have experience with eating disorders, many more with disordered eating, and almost all of us, at some point, have hated our bodies. Being around the negativity of weight bigotry can put us in a very bad and very dark place. But, say the haters, you should just deal with it because body hate is perfectly acceptable in our society.

Now, I do understand that someone with fat hate issues can’t necessarily be blamed. In a culture that constantly demonizes fat and fat people, how can you really not have fat hate issues unless you’be become Enlightened through education and understanding? It’s tough, and internalized fat hate is society’s fault especially more than the person’s. But that doesn’t mean I have to put myself around it.

And this is where the self-preservation and kindness part comes in. I have the right to look after my mental and physical well-being. I have the right to say that enough is enough and that I need positive body influences in my life. You have that exact same right and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Recently, I ended a friendship because this friend decided to get weight loss surgery. She was involved in the Fat Acceptance movement, so it was a double blow and a personal betrayal. I decided that it would be very bad for my health (mental and physical) to watch someone I care about go through that all because of severe internalized fat hate. As someone with a 10-year history of having an eating disorder, I could not watch someone choose what amounts to a medically-induced eating disorder (and, in fact, medical anorexia can be an official side effect of these surgeries).

I blogged about this on my personal blog and got bombarded with pro-WLS people calling me sexist slurs, threatening me, and calling me a horrible person/friend, all because I decided to look out for myself. If there’s one thing that I want you to take away from this blog post, it’s that no friendship is worth your mental or physical health. No relationship is worth your health. Period.

Now, personally, my friend was completely oblivious to how her actions could effect me at all. I chalk this up to pure self-centeredness, but I have the feeling the rest of you know exactly what I’m talking about. Others’ actions have consequences. They do affect friends, family, and lovers. Your decisions are not made in a vacuum and the consequences of those decisions don’t exist in a vacuum. Your body hate poisons other people.

So, be careful who your friends are. If you are the type of person who can stay friends with bigots and try to change them, then more power to you. We need people to change the world from the inside. But if you aren’t, that’s perfectly acceptable too. Never, ever feel guilty for taking care of yourself. You’re totally worth taking care of.

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http://www.reddit.com/r/BodyAcceptance/comments/27ski4/choosing_selfpreservation_and_kindness_over/

Too much to copy/paste here

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http://fatgirlposing.blogspot.com/2014/05/casualties.html

Casualties

My heart is heavy today and has been since Saturday when my best
friend dropped the bomb that she's getting weight loss surgery. The
betrayal, hurt, and anger that I've felt since then is mind boggling.
Since becoming involved with fat acceptance I've cut body negative
people out of my life. I've surrounded myself with people who are
positive and work hard for a wide variety of human and animal rights
issues. In other words, good people. Positive people. People who make
a difference in the world. So my world was rocked when my best friend,
after hiding it from me for months, told me that she was getting
cosmetic surgery to become thinner.

My friend is the captain of her own underpants and she can get
cosmetic surgery if she wants to, of course, but I'm captain of my own
underpants as well and I have the right to cut out people who
compromise my mental or physical well being. Having gone through a
decade long eating disorder where I was constantly praised for
starving myself, over exercising, and abusing diet pills, I can't
watch someone I care about put themselves through a medically induced
eating disorder.

I look forward to the day when weight loss surgery is banned as
medically unnecessary, dangerous, and bigoted. Weight loss cosmetic
surgery represents the extremes that our society will go to to
eradicate fat people. For all of the horror that a person feels when
they see a very thin person with an ED, it doesn't seem to hold true
for fat people with ED's. While I have a lot of personal experience
with that, this experience seems to hit closer to home Perhaps because
my friend was involved in the fat acceptance community. I thought
better of her. Not brainwashed by society's standards.

Internalized fatphobia is a horrible thing.

The bottom line is that we applaud fat people for doing dangerous,
irresponsible, unethical, things that put our lives on the line in the
name of thinness. But how would the world react if the opposite were
true? If thin people literally risked their lives to become fat
because they thought it looked prettier? I have a feeling I know the
answer.

So, I suppose I've finally experienced a personal casualty in the War
On Fat. During my own struggles I came close to losing my life, but
this somehow feels so much worse.

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This is what she emailed me:

ten reasons why you're perfect the way you are and you don't need
cosmetic surgery.

1. you're beautiful the way you are: cosmetic surgery can change how
you look,but it doesn't change who you are.

2. cosmetic surgery won't fix your self esteem: too many people have
thought that it would, but losing weight and looking different won't
automatically make you feel better about yourself. you need to do that
from the inside and you can do that at any weight.

3. you can be healthy at any size- you have to change your behaviors,
not your appearance. currently you don't eat well or exercise and if
you lose weight but still don't change those behaviors then you're
still going to have issues. Remember that studies show that health
problems initially go away during weight loss but very often return
because weight does not equal health.

4. this particular type of cosmetic surgery is dangerous. The sleeve
is less dangerous than some other methods, but they're all dangerous.
There's a laundry list of side effects that i'm sure you've seen,
including death. is it really worth it just to look more socially
acceptable?

5. you're making a statement: when a fat person decides that being
thin is better than being fat and actively tries to change their
bodies it makes a statement about all fat people and it makes a social
statement. and that is that being thin is better than being fat.

6. people already love you just the way you are: this needs little
explanation.. people already care about you, you have no problem
finding dates or hook ups. your life isn't hindered by anything except
your lack of confidence which won't be fixed by cosmetic surgery.

7. body hate poisons you: work on loving yourself instead of blaming your body

8. your body works hard for you- why abuse it? I apologized to my body
a long time ago for the eating disorder I put it through, for the self
injury I put it through, for the abuse I put it through. No body
should be treated that way. you're willing to mutilate your lovely
body and put it through a medically induced eating disorder. why do
you feel it deserves that kind of hatred and abuse?

9. it's fatphobic: you know enough about fat acceptance and body
politics for me not to need to go into too much detail here. It's
related to number 5- you're becoming part of a society that favors
thin people over fat people and giving it your seal of approval. that
society is not only fatphobic but misogynistic and classist as well.
You're choosing to stop fighting against that and to give into it
instead.

10. You'll be losing a friend: Because I find WLS to be completely
unethical and because I struggled with my own eating disorder for ten
years, I can't watch someone purposefully do that to themselves. The
body hate, the negativity, and the triggers are just too much for me.
Maybe that's not even close to enough to keep you from doing this
surgery, but at least I can say I tried. You know that body hate and
intentional weight loss go against everything that I stand for. I
can't just sit by and watch it happen to someone I care about. I can't
do it and I won't. So, while it's your body and your choice, realize
that that choice comes with consequences. I'm also allowed to make my
own choices for my own mental well being. Literally every time I
talked to your or hung out with you it would be heartbreaking and
triggering. Friendships shouldn't be a negative experience which is
why I would have to end this one.

Yes, she weighs well over 300 lbs and is morbidly obese. She thinks she's healthy though since she eats vegan.

Wtf???????????
Omg my blood is boiling, it makes no sense to me? She wants to be around people that positive about their bodies but dumps you when you make the decision that you want to love yourself?

It's not healthy to be fat FOR MIND BODY AND SOUL? Why should you have to "accept" it and suffer in order for her "mental health" to be stable? It's your f**king life!! YOUR MENTAL HEALTH AND PHYSICAL HEALTH IS THE MAIN PRIORITY, forget her. She mustn't have been a great friend to begin with.

It sounds to be that she's maybe jealous because she knows you're going to succeed? One if the first lines was "us fatties" so I'm assuming she's overweight and in denial with the "fat acceptance" bullshit.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you! You have friends & a family HERE to support you, love you, & lift you up!!!! Hang in there & remember you deserve better than her negativity!!!!

Lol...there is nothing healthy abt weighing over 300 pounds.....she has just given up and is making excuses to justify her unwillness to do something about her weight. She is eating more than just Vegan believe that.

Yes, she weighs well over 300 lbs and is morbidly obese. She thinks she's healthy though since she eats vegan.

Wtf???????????

Omg my blood is boiling, it makes no sense to me? She wants to be around people that positive about their bodies but dumps you when you make the decision that you want to love yourself?

It's not healthy to be fat FOR MIND BODY AND SOUL? Why should you have to "accept" it and suffer in order for her "mental health" to be stable? It's your f**king life!! YOUR MENTAL HEALTH AND PHYSICAL HEALTH IS THE MAIN PRIORITY, forget her. She mustn't have been a great friend to begin with.

It sounds to be that she's maybe jealous because she knows you're going to succeed? One if the first lines was "us fatties" so I'm assuming she's overweight and in denial with the "fat acceptance" bullshit.

@@Sharon C.

Thought so..

It is sad though, maybe she can't afford it or maybe she is really deep down in the fat acceptance brain washing she's given herself.

It's easy to be angry but really it's quite clear that she has a lot of problems. So just leave her where she belongs, in the past.

Your health and your life is what's most important and there are hundreds of us right here to support you and be your friend. We won't write nasty blogs about you

It's amazing what jealousy does to people!

You are right.

I did not know about the most recent posting she made on a blog yesterday until a friend saw it and pointed it out to me.

draw a firm line. ask your friend to not speak to you about her. period. no matter what she writes or says. i had a friend walk away from me a number of years ago. she would never speak to me about what she was upset about, but she stayed friends with my housemate. eventually i needed to ask my housemate to not speak to me about her anymore and please not speak to her about me (which i only had her word about, but that was okay for me). be firm. tell your friend its just too painful for you, you need her to please spare your feelings (doesnt matter, whatever works to get her to shut up).

you have to take care of yourself now. this is a good start to a new life.

As everyone has already said she has some serous issues and it's better that you find out now then look to her for support after your surgery and she abandons you. You don't need that kind of person in your life. Her exit from your like will leave an opening for just the right person to come along and be a true friend. Good luck to you.

I seriously sitting here still like... wtf did I just read!?!?!?!?! Good for you for blocking her on FB. You don't need her drama.

That b i o t c h is just jealous that's all.. She has some serious issues and your wls has nothing to do with it. Like PP said hit the ignore button on her and move on. You don't need friends like that..

Edited June 12, 201412 yr by soocalchic

She is obviously a crazy loon having her day in the sun with a completely made up dialogue in her own head. It's probably the echo from having her head up her a$$.

Do what everyone else said - put her out of your life. Look at her like she is a babbling crazy person walking down the street and don't let her words affect you. She has to live in her own bile. I promise you, her life is miserable.

@@Travelmego " It's probably the echo from having her head up her a$$. " BWHAHAHA I like that one, will have to remember it.

She has serious mental health issues. Block her on FB and elsewhere. She seems like the type who will attempt to bully/shame/stalk you since she is not getting her way. She's attempting to get a rise out of you, like a little kid. That's what bullies do. She will get tired of her little game soon enough and move onto someone else. The best response is for you to live your life with courage and grace. Be well my dear.

There is only one point I can agree with your ex friend about. If she truly overcame an eating disorder (and I'm so sure she didn't just replace one with another) your choice may in fact be a trigger to her.

That being said, You don't need that negativity in your life. This choice has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you. YOU made the choice that was best for you, so don't let others get you down. Find Positive friends that accept you for you and not because of what you weigh. Feel free to add me as a friend.

Edited June 12, 201412 yr by pjpanda

This is someone whose own sense of identity and self-worth is threatened by your very personal decisions to have WLS. She's toxic. Please, Celebrate your freedom from this person.

By the way - one of her titles is RICH in hypocrisy: "Choosing self-preservation and kindness over friends..."

By her being a mean, two faced, backstabbing witch all over the place?

I think you should take the advice and choose self- preservation and kindness over 'friends' too. Preserve your health with people who are kind and support you and toss her aside.

Edited June 12, 201412 yr by Travelmego

Oh Sweetie, you do not need her in your life. Let her live her life as she sees fit. Don't read her blogs or allow mutual friends to discuss her. You worry about you and what you need to do for you.