My ex-friend keeps writing negatively about me on different blogs and web sites because she disagrees with my decision to get weight loss surgery. She made a decision recently to end our friendship when she found out I was getting this surgery. I don't know what my surgery has to do with her. It's my body, not hers. Why does she keep writing about me? I don't understand.

Here are the things she's written about me (that I know of):

http://fiercefatties.com/2014/06/10/choosing-self-preservation-and-kindness-over-friends/

Choosing Self-Preservation and Kindness Over Friends

I’m fairly picky about my friends, it’s true. I hold my friends to a high standard and any bigotry must go. I’ve ended friendships over sexism, racism, ableism, homophobia/biphobia/transphobia, and, yes, fatphobia.

The thing is, most people understand perfectly when you end a friendship because your friend ends up being a racist or a homophobe, but they get all undie-bunched when it comes to choosing friends who are not fatphobic, like this sort of bigotry should be accepted and tolerated with kindness. Which yes, some people can and do, and that’s perfectly fine. Change people from the inside. You go!

The thing is, though, you’re also allowed to not have that negativity in your life. For many of us fatties, having fatphobes around constantly bombarding us with body hate, either internalized or directed at us, is extraordinarily triggering. Many of us have experience with eating disorders, many more with disordered eating, and almost all of us, at some point, have hated our bodies. Being around the negativity of weight bigotry can put us in a very bad and very dark place. But, say the haters, you should just deal with it because body hate is perfectly acceptable in our society.

Now, I do understand that someone with fat hate issues can’t necessarily be blamed. In a culture that constantly demonizes fat and fat people, how can you really not have fat hate issues unless you’be become Enlightened through education and understanding? It’s tough, and internalized fat hate is society’s fault especially more than the person’s. But that doesn’t mean I have to put myself around it.

And this is where the self-preservation and kindness part comes in. I have the right to look after my mental and physical well-being. I have the right to say that enough is enough and that I need positive body influences in my life. You have that exact same right and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Recently, I ended a friendship because this friend decided to get weight loss surgery. She was involved in the Fat Acceptance movement, so it was a double blow and a personal betrayal. I decided that it would be very bad for my health (mental and physical) to watch someone I care about go through that all because of severe internalized fat hate. As someone with a 10-year history of having an eating disorder, I could not watch someone choose what amounts to a medically-induced eating disorder (and, in fact, medical anorexia can be an official side effect of these surgeries).

I blogged about this on my personal blog and got bombarded with pro-WLS people calling me sexist slurs, threatening me, and calling me a horrible person/friend, all because I decided to look out for myself. If there’s one thing that I want you to take away from this blog post, it’s that no friendship is worth your mental or physical health. No relationship is worth your health. Period.

Now, personally, my friend was completely oblivious to how her actions could effect me at all. I chalk this up to pure self-centeredness, but I have the feeling the rest of you know exactly what I’m talking about. Others’ actions have consequences. They do affect friends, family, and lovers. Your decisions are not made in a vacuum and the consequences of those decisions don’t exist in a vacuum. Your body hate poisons other people.

So, be careful who your friends are. If you are the type of person who can stay friends with bigots and try to change them, then more power to you. We need people to change the world from the inside. But if you aren’t, that’s perfectly acceptable too. Never, ever feel guilty for taking care of yourself. You’re totally worth taking care of.

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http://www.reddit.com/r/BodyAcceptance/comments/27ski4/choosing_selfpreservation_and_kindness_over/

Too much to copy/paste here

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http://fatgirlposing.blogspot.com/2014/05/casualties.html

Casualties

My heart is heavy today and has been since Saturday when my best
friend dropped the bomb that she's getting weight loss surgery. The
betrayal, hurt, and anger that I've felt since then is mind boggling.
Since becoming involved with fat acceptance I've cut body negative
people out of my life. I've surrounded myself with people who are
positive and work hard for a wide variety of human and animal rights
issues. In other words, good people. Positive people. People who make
a difference in the world. So my world was rocked when my best friend,
after hiding it from me for months, told me that she was getting
cosmetic surgery to become thinner.

My friend is the captain of her own underpants and she can get
cosmetic surgery if she wants to, of course, but I'm captain of my own
underpants as well and I have the right to cut out people who
compromise my mental or physical well being. Having gone through a
decade long eating disorder where I was constantly praised for
starving myself, over exercising, and abusing diet pills, I can't
watch someone I care about put themselves through a medically induced
eating disorder.

I look forward to the day when weight loss surgery is banned as
medically unnecessary, dangerous, and bigoted. Weight loss cosmetic
surgery represents the extremes that our society will go to to
eradicate fat people. For all of the horror that a person feels when
they see a very thin person with an ED, it doesn't seem to hold true
for fat people with ED's. While I have a lot of personal experience
with that, this experience seems to hit closer to home Perhaps because
my friend was involved in the fat acceptance community. I thought
better of her. Not brainwashed by society's standards.

Internalized fatphobia is a horrible thing.

The bottom line is that we applaud fat people for doing dangerous,
irresponsible, unethical, things that put our lives on the line in the
name of thinness. But how would the world react if the opposite were
true? If thin people literally risked their lives to become fat
because they thought it looked prettier? I have a feeling I know the
answer.

So, I suppose I've finally experienced a personal casualty in the War
On Fat. During my own struggles I came close to losing my life, but
this somehow feels so much worse.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is what she emailed me:

ten reasons why you're perfect the way you are and you don't need
cosmetic surgery.

1. you're beautiful the way you are: cosmetic surgery can change how
you look,but it doesn't change who you are.

2. cosmetic surgery won't fix your self esteem: too many people have
thought that it would, but losing weight and looking different won't
automatically make you feel better about yourself. you need to do that
from the inside and you can do that at any weight.

3. you can be healthy at any size- you have to change your behaviors,
not your appearance. currently you don't eat well or exercise and if
you lose weight but still don't change those behaviors then you're
still going to have issues. Remember that studies show that health
problems initially go away during weight loss but very often return
because weight does not equal health.

4. this particular type of cosmetic surgery is dangerous. The sleeve
is less dangerous than some other methods, but they're all dangerous.
There's a laundry list of side effects that i'm sure you've seen,
including death. is it really worth it just to look more socially
acceptable?

5. you're making a statement: when a fat person decides that being
thin is better than being fat and actively tries to change their
bodies it makes a statement about all fat people and it makes a social
statement. and that is that being thin is better than being fat.

6. people already love you just the way you are: this needs little
explanation.. people already care about you, you have no problem
finding dates or hook ups. your life isn't hindered by anything except
your lack of confidence which won't be fixed by cosmetic surgery.

7. body hate poisons you: work on loving yourself instead of blaming your body

8. your body works hard for you- why abuse it? I apologized to my body
a long time ago for the eating disorder I put it through, for the self
injury I put it through, for the abuse I put it through. No body
should be treated that way. you're willing to mutilate your lovely
body and put it through a medically induced eating disorder. why do
you feel it deserves that kind of hatred and abuse?

9. it's fatphobic: you know enough about fat acceptance and body
politics for me not to need to go into too much detail here. It's
related to number 5- you're becoming part of a society that favors
thin people over fat people and giving it your seal of approval. that
society is not only fatphobic but misogynistic and classist as well.
You're choosing to stop fighting against that and to give into it
instead.

10. You'll be losing a friend: Because I find WLS to be completely
unethical and because I struggled with my own eating disorder for ten
years, I can't watch someone purposefully do that to themselves. The
body hate, the negativity, and the triggers are just too much for me.
Maybe that's not even close to enough to keep you from doing this
surgery, but at least I can say I tried. You know that body hate and
intentional weight loss go against everything that I stand for. I
can't just sit by and watch it happen to someone I care about. I can't
do it and I won't. So, while it's your body and your choice, realize
that that choice comes with consequences. I'm also allowed to make my
own choices for my own mental well being. Literally every time I
talked to your or hung out with you it would be heartbreaking and
triggering. Friendships shouldn't be a negative experience which is
why I would have to end this one.

@Sharon C. the only thing i can say is you need to update your stats... You havent had surgery yet & you have already lost 300lbs. SHE IS NO FRIEND! Say good bye, have a funeral or whatever you need to... but as it was said many times before, Dont walk, RUN as fast as you can away from this nightmare of a friend. she is very unstable & it will continue as long as you keep feeding this fire. No matter what she does, dont allow her name to cross your lips... treat her like she doesnt exist....

She sounds really messed up... just think of it this way, you might have lost one "friend" but have gained all of us as friends!!

I'm more than slightly amazed that you haven't disclosed your friends multiple mental illnesses and that you continue to try and make it appear that a perfectly normal person turned ariound and did this without warning. You knew what your friends rigid belief structure and mental state was. She's battling multiple serious mental illnesses and you know darn well this affects her behavior.

Perhaps your "friend" wouldn't still be going on about this if you hadn't directed hundreds of people to her blog weeks ago hoping they would back you up 8th grade style.

Just a thought. Perhaps your "friend" would eventually forget about this and move on if you didn't keep posting every word she says on various web sites.

You keep doing what you want, but poking someone who is mentally ill with a stick so you can get sympathy is pretty low. Shame on you.

When this thread finally runs out of steam and sympathy and another pops up on another board in a few weeks, I won't say anything. I'm done. I wish you the best.

Amen - enough already

^{It's ironic that your ex-friend states, "No friendship is worth your physical and mental health." Well, that's terrific advice for YOU. You cannot accept her friendship on the terms she would like to offer it either. A friend who never wants anyone to change is one that has control issues and frankly does not offer unconditional friendship.}

^{Also, she is equating weight loss with being "fat-phobic" but we all know that's incorrect. I never despised my larger body and it certainly wasn't looks that ultimately motivated my weight loss decision. WLS is very far from a "cosmetic" procedure. What I did despise was not being able to do all the activities that I loved. I despised being mobility limited and not having the strength to walk on vacation or use my kayak or ride my bike comfortably. I despised the idea that my body at my former weight might not live to see my children graduated and married. These are things to despise. But despise my body - no, I didn't do that.}

^{I also despise the addiction to food that I was enslaved in. Addiction is a freedom-stealer. WLS helps with this tremendously at the physical and hormonal level (not cosmetically). If an alcoholic or a drug addict could have a surgery that would dramatically improve their chances of overcoming their life-threatening addiction - everyone would understand it perfectly. Why can't obesity and food addiction be treated without judgment?}

^{As others have said, this person has a lot of issues which she is trying to disguise with put-on righteousness.}

^{You are free to move on and focus on your health, your well-being and your bright future! You have chosen a path towards your freedom and I support you!}

Edited June 12, 201412 yr by HumanMerelyBeing

This is one of the most insane things I have ever read. Why does she keep saying cosmetic surgery. I didn't have wls with the intention of being thin and pretty. I loved myself even when I was 125 lbs heavier. I had to get this surgery to save my life. Sleep apnea, high blood pressure.. just to name a few. Even when I hit my goal weight I feel like I will always be a fat girl at heart and I definitely won't be judging people on how they look.

Don't read that crap.. just hit delete and move on!!!

I was struck by something your friend said and just have to say - your body is your body, not a social statement. I'm sorry she's being a nutball, as long as you're doing what's right for you and your health then whatever issues she has are her own.

Stop reading the crap that this 'woman' spouts. I don't even know her and she can put me in a coma.

Stop your 'friends' from referring you to her latest diatribes, too. It is doing no one any favours.

Tune it out. Move on.

Wow, I agree stop reading that BS. You already know what you need, listen to your inner voice. The only thing you get out of reading it is hurt and angry. You don't need that or the guilt. You have every right to do what you want and need. Please, stop reading it and when people point it out to you about her blogs, tell them you have moved on and you don't want to hear it. Block her emails etc.

Still shaking my head,

Move on and good luck, see you on the journey

Colleen

Wow, I agree stop reading that BS. You already know what you need, listen to your inner voice. The only thing you get out of reading it is hurt and angry. You don't need that or the guilt. You have every right to do what you want and need. Please, stop reading it and when people point it out to you about her blogs, tell them you have moved on and you don't want to hear it. Block her emails etc.

Still shaking my head,

Move on and good luck, see you on the journey

Colleen

You have decided to make positive healthy choices for yourself. Your next choice should be to forget she existed.

It seems like she's just a crazy and self centered as she was the last time you posted her comments. It would be really good for you to stay away from that kind of negativity and take care of yourself. I don't think you should go back to that blog. And the friend that pointed this out to you should know that you don't want to look at her blog anymore for your own sanity.

While. I agree somewhat to what a few other had said about the reporting of her blogs, I however see many people come here to complain about how this friend or family member doesn't support their decisions in one way or another. This is really no different in that term just a more public form of it. We rally around that person and tell them that that friend/family member is wrong and should be ashamed. Please remember though, her friend started all of this, she could have simply ended the friendship and moved on, instead she publicly humiliated the Poster. She continues to belittle and down the poster with the many attempts by blogging. What really gets me though, is the fact that she deletes any postings on her blog that disagree with her, and then call all the posters she did delete "fat haters". I honestly think true fat haters all spout the diet and exercise, and put down the fork sometimes crap I see all over the web. They will never understand our true struggles. I have a friend who is about 125 soaking wet and can eat 3x as much as I do. She however has never told me to put the fork down sometimes, or even mentioned my weight at all. Sorry for all the ramblings.

Sharon: please dump the toxic and discover new friends, and a true sense of how you want people to treat you, I'm sure she has criticized you in more ways than just this wls and fat acceptance bs she is spouting.

Heaven's Gate prophet Marshall Applewhite (Do), drinking the Kool Aid with Jim Jones, and your "friend" in fat acceptance. They are all the same type people. Mentally unbalanced, sociopaths / psychopaths that appear intelligent. Therefore, their arguments MUST be correct as they use big words and are passionate in their delivery. We all know from history that these charismatic preachers are nothing but suicidal, delusional, mentally disturbed people who need an audience to hold them up. The end result is never a good thing. It is best you have found out who she really is before her beliefs had a chance to ruin your life. Cut all ties. Ignore her rantings. Eventually this prophet of fat acceptance will find another way to spout her message to any naïve person who too is struggling with their weight issues. It is sad these people exist in the world, but they do. You just must find your own way without their insanity.

I would not be angry with her – but definitely be done.

Your friend needs help, I think, but it is not anything you are going to be able to provide. I noticed a lot or repetition of “betrayal”, “right to be happy”, and implying she assumes you only have a cosmetic need to be thin.

What she writes about culling her friends based on people having opinions that differs from hers, and readily using exceptionally harsh labels – then seeing how minute a guideline she has for deciding someone is hateful – is either a seriously internalized issue OR (and?) an actually quite common social media “tool” – you actually see writing like this a lot on more blogs and news that is very biased.

Whatever is going on with her, and whatever she has gone through – one serious point – she is willing to be open and hateful, rude and still passive-aggressive to an extent, since she has not actually outed you.

I’m sorry you are going through this but just remove her from being able to follow or contact you .

One more thing. I recommend you pay attention to who and why your friends feel the need to point out that she is doing this. You know it, they know it – so let it go. Drop her, drop the subject, drop the hunt to see how she expresses her displeasure.

Its sounds like your former associate (she was never your friend, and does not deserve to be called one) is spinning on your own jealousy and lack of control over others. Stand tall on your bold decision to your own wellbeing. I am more to happy to be pal as well.

Heaven's Gate prophet Marshall Applewhite (Do), drinking the Kool Aid with Jim Jones, and your "friend" in fat acceptance. They are all the same type people. Mentally unbalanced, sociopaths / psychopaths that appear intelligent. Therefore, their arguments MUST be correct as they use big words and are passionate in their delivery. We all know from history that these charismatic preachers are nothing but suicidal, delusional, mentally disturbed people who need an audience to hold them up. The end result is never a good thing. It is best you have found out who she really is before her beliefs had a chance to ruin your life. Cut all ties. Ignore her rantings. Eventually this prophet of fat acceptance will find another way to spout her message to any naïve person who too is struggling with their weight issues. It is sad these people exist in the world, but they do. You just must find your own way without their insanity.

good call roo! i agree. i was married to a sociopath for 9 years (i am not using hyperbole here). narcissism and borderline personality disorder are closely related personality disorders. i can spot their manipulations, projections and self focus a mile away. but most people don't understand the whole personality disorder thing. so i usually dont bring it up. but yes, i thought that from the very first paragraph.

this website focuses on romantic relationships with sociopaths, but the principals in this little article apply here too. http://www.lovefraud.com/are-you-a-target/leaving-a-sociopath/no-contact/