My ex-friend keeps writing negatively about me on different blogs and web sites because she disagrees with my decision to get weight loss surgery. She made a decision recently to end our friendship when she found out I was getting this surgery. I don't know what my surgery has to do with her. It's my body, not hers. Why does she keep writing about me? I don't understand.

Here are the things she's written about me (that I know of):

http://fiercefatties.com/2014/06/10/choosing-self-preservation-and-kindness-over-friends/

Choosing Self-Preservation and Kindness Over Friends

I’m fairly picky about my friends, it’s true. I hold my friends to a high standard and any bigotry must go. I’ve ended friendships over sexism, racism, ableism, homophobia/biphobia/transphobia, and, yes, fatphobia.

The thing is, most people understand perfectly when you end a friendship because your friend ends up being a racist or a homophobe, but they get all undie-bunched when it comes to choosing friends who are not fatphobic, like this sort of bigotry should be accepted and tolerated with kindness. Which yes, some people can and do, and that’s perfectly fine. Change people from the inside. You go!

The thing is, though, you’re also allowed to not have that negativity in your life. For many of us fatties, having fatphobes around constantly bombarding us with body hate, either internalized or directed at us, is extraordinarily triggering. Many of us have experience with eating disorders, many more with disordered eating, and almost all of us, at some point, have hated our bodies. Being around the negativity of weight bigotry can put us in a very bad and very dark place. But, say the haters, you should just deal with it because body hate is perfectly acceptable in our society.

Now, I do understand that someone with fat hate issues can’t necessarily be blamed. In a culture that constantly demonizes fat and fat people, how can you really not have fat hate issues unless you’be become Enlightened through education and understanding? It’s tough, and internalized fat hate is society’s fault especially more than the person’s. But that doesn’t mean I have to put myself around it.

And this is where the self-preservation and kindness part comes in. I have the right to look after my mental and physical well-being. I have the right to say that enough is enough and that I need positive body influences in my life. You have that exact same right and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Recently, I ended a friendship because this friend decided to get weight loss surgery. She was involved in the Fat Acceptance movement, so it was a double blow and a personal betrayal. I decided that it would be very bad for my health (mental and physical) to watch someone I care about go through that all because of severe internalized fat hate. As someone with a 10-year history of having an eating disorder, I could not watch someone choose what amounts to a medically-induced eating disorder (and, in fact, medical anorexia can be an official side effect of these surgeries).

I blogged about this on my personal blog and got bombarded with pro-WLS people calling me sexist slurs, threatening me, and calling me a horrible person/friend, all because I decided to look out for myself. If there’s one thing that I want you to take away from this blog post, it’s that no friendship is worth your mental or physical health. No relationship is worth your health. Period.

Now, personally, my friend was completely oblivious to how her actions could effect me at all. I chalk this up to pure self-centeredness, but I have the feeling the rest of you know exactly what I’m talking about. Others’ actions have consequences. They do affect friends, family, and lovers. Your decisions are not made in a vacuum and the consequences of those decisions don’t exist in a vacuum. Your body hate poisons other people.

So, be careful who your friends are. If you are the type of person who can stay friends with bigots and try to change them, then more power to you. We need people to change the world from the inside. But if you aren’t, that’s perfectly acceptable too. Never, ever feel guilty for taking care of yourself. You’re totally worth taking care of.

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http://www.reddit.com/r/BodyAcceptance/comments/27ski4/choosing_selfpreservation_and_kindness_over/

Too much to copy/paste here

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http://fatgirlposing.blogspot.com/2014/05/casualties.html

Casualties

My heart is heavy today and has been since Saturday when my best
friend dropped the bomb that she's getting weight loss surgery. The
betrayal, hurt, and anger that I've felt since then is mind boggling.
Since becoming involved with fat acceptance I've cut body negative
people out of my life. I've surrounded myself with people who are
positive and work hard for a wide variety of human and animal rights
issues. In other words, good people. Positive people. People who make
a difference in the world. So my world was rocked when my best friend,
after hiding it from me for months, told me that she was getting
cosmetic surgery to become thinner.

My friend is the captain of her own underpants and she can get
cosmetic surgery if she wants to, of course, but I'm captain of my own
underpants as well and I have the right to cut out people who
compromise my mental or physical well being. Having gone through a
decade long eating disorder where I was constantly praised for
starving myself, over exercising, and abusing diet pills, I can't
watch someone I care about put themselves through a medically induced
eating disorder.

I look forward to the day when weight loss surgery is banned as
medically unnecessary, dangerous, and bigoted. Weight loss cosmetic
surgery represents the extremes that our society will go to to
eradicate fat people. For all of the horror that a person feels when
they see a very thin person with an ED, it doesn't seem to hold true
for fat people with ED's. While I have a lot of personal experience
with that, this experience seems to hit closer to home Perhaps because
my friend was involved in the fat acceptance community. I thought
better of her. Not brainwashed by society's standards.

Internalized fatphobia is a horrible thing.

The bottom line is that we applaud fat people for doing dangerous,
irresponsible, unethical, things that put our lives on the line in the
name of thinness. But how would the world react if the opposite were
true? If thin people literally risked their lives to become fat
because they thought it looked prettier? I have a feeling I know the
answer.

So, I suppose I've finally experienced a personal casualty in the War
On Fat. During my own struggles I came close to losing my life, but
this somehow feels so much worse.

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This is what she emailed me:

ten reasons why you're perfect the way you are and you don't need
cosmetic surgery.

1. you're beautiful the way you are: cosmetic surgery can change how
you look,but it doesn't change who you are.

2. cosmetic surgery won't fix your self esteem: too many people have
thought that it would, but losing weight and looking different won't
automatically make you feel better about yourself. you need to do that
from the inside and you can do that at any weight.

3. you can be healthy at any size- you have to change your behaviors,
not your appearance. currently you don't eat well or exercise and if
you lose weight but still don't change those behaviors then you're
still going to have issues. Remember that studies show that health
problems initially go away during weight loss but very often return
because weight does not equal health.

4. this particular type of cosmetic surgery is dangerous. The sleeve
is less dangerous than some other methods, but they're all dangerous.
There's a laundry list of side effects that i'm sure you've seen,
including death. is it really worth it just to look more socially
acceptable?

5. you're making a statement: when a fat person decides that being
thin is better than being fat and actively tries to change their
bodies it makes a statement about all fat people and it makes a social
statement. and that is that being thin is better than being fat.

6. people already love you just the way you are: this needs little
explanation.. people already care about you, you have no problem
finding dates or hook ups. your life isn't hindered by anything except
your lack of confidence which won't be fixed by cosmetic surgery.

7. body hate poisons you: work on loving yourself instead of blaming your body

8. your body works hard for you- why abuse it? I apologized to my body
a long time ago for the eating disorder I put it through, for the self
injury I put it through, for the abuse I put it through. No body
should be treated that way. you're willing to mutilate your lovely
body and put it through a medically induced eating disorder. why do
you feel it deserves that kind of hatred and abuse?

9. it's fatphobic: you know enough about fat acceptance and body
politics for me not to need to go into too much detail here. It's
related to number 5- you're becoming part of a society that favors
thin people over fat people and giving it your seal of approval. that
society is not only fatphobic but misogynistic and classist as well.
You're choosing to stop fighting against that and to give into it
instead.

10. You'll be losing a friend: Because I find WLS to be completely
unethical and because I struggled with my own eating disorder for ten
years, I can't watch someone purposefully do that to themselves. The
body hate, the negativity, and the triggers are just too much for me.
Maybe that's not even close to enough to keep you from doing this
surgery, but at least I can say I tried. You know that body hate and
intentional weight loss go against everything that I stand for. I
can't just sit by and watch it happen to someone I care about. I can't
do it and I won't. So, while it's your body and your choice, realize
that that choice comes with consequences. I'm also allowed to make my
own choices for my own mental well being. Literally every time I
talked to your or hung out with you it would be heartbreaking and
triggering. Friendships shouldn't be a negative experience which is
why I would have to end this one.

Look honey, don't just walk away, run fast! She is dangerous to your well being! Sharon C. I agree with ladykatie above! We will all be your friend. Never fear and never turn back to the woman who is causing you so much pain!

Oh Sharon.... *hugs*

You definitely don't need that kind of negativity in your life. It sounds to me like your former friend is jealous of you (or in serious denial about her own situation). In any case, she sounds like she needs to see a psychiatrist and potentially get some meds, STAT!

It sounds to me that she is posting various places about what happened with your friendship in search of validation of her crazy actions.

It sucks to lose a longtime friend, but you've decided to make this wonderful change for yourself and your health and that is what's important. Surround yourself with positive, supportive people.

Edited June 12, 201412 yr by Scylla

I was thinking cease and desist letter too but does she really have a legal leg to stand on? I am not sure the 'friend' actually named her did she? Can give it a shot anyway - might shut her up.

.

i would not engage her. obviously she craves and lives on attention. the OP needs to move past this and the best way to do that is to walk away. pretend this woman doesnt exist anymore. engaging her further will just give her more fodder for her "blog." and prolong her pain over this woman's horrible behavior.

Sorry. I am going against the grain here. Can't throw stones at her about talking about you if you come on here and repost what she's saying. You're both causing each other pain. Either let it go and move on. Or keep posting about her and what she says. Reinforcing her message. After you stop posting about her- and I mean permanently - and she continues - document when you last posted and copy all her posts to paper. Take it to a lawyer and send her a cease and desist letter and if she continues sue her. If you continue to post about her you have no leg to stand on

Edited June 12, 201412 yr by Jersrose43

I would love to have you as a friend!

Lady you do not need that negetavity in your life. I recently had to let go of some close friends due to surgery. Ill be your friend too!!

This topic is still on going. The solution if obvious dump the friend and never look back.

boy.....somebody really thinks highly of their self importance in this world, don't they?????? sharon.....this woman has issues.....real issues! let it sink in for a moment the real crux of her issue. she is pissed becuase of how you were so inconsiderate as to make a decision of what to do with your OWN body without thinking about how it would AFFECT her! YEESH!!!! personally, i would tell her to f#*k off without an ounce of guilt. it never ceases to amaze me how someone always manages to surprise me with new lows of scrapping the bottom of the barrel of human selfishness and narcissism. i would like to be your friend too! and we are somewhat neighbors....virginia, here!

The claws come out over WLS.

So my crazy ex found out I was posting here and he used information I posted to send an email to my employer stating that I was using drugs and all this other BS. He told my employer about my surgery and put my user name here in the email.

He pretended to be a coworker of mine.

So long story short, after consulting lawyers...if she doesn't name you or specifically target you there isn't much you can do legally.

She hasn't said anything that is a lie either. Its a matter of her opinoin.

In my case libel isn't going to be pursued but I have other legal things I'm doing. He's probably reading this so I won't say what.

I think people just don't want to see other people be happy, especially people who are over weight, out of shape, addicted and don't take care of themselves mentally or physically. They want you to stay just like them to make themselves feel better.

It's a shame that people have nothing better to do with their lives. I've heard that abusers will only let go once they truly have their hooks in a new relationship and can get their narcissistic supply from the new person.

Eventually she will find a new target. I thought my ex had a new target but I guess she's just not giving him the hate rush he needs.

I say let it go. I wouldn't be surprised if years from now when her joints ache and she has high BP and her heart is tired, she gets surgery too.

Edited June 12, 201412 yr by greensleeve

I'm more than slightly amazed that you haven't disclosed your friends multiple mental illnesses and that you continue to try and make it appear that a perfectly normal person turned ariound and did this without warning. You knew what your friends rigid belief structure and mental state was. She's battling multiple serious mental illnesses and you know darn well this affects her behavior.

Perhaps your "friend" wouldn't still be going on about this if you hadn't directed hundreds of people to her blog weeks ago hoping they would back you up 8th grade style.

Just a thought. Perhaps your "friend" would eventually forget about this and move on if you didn't keep posting every word she says on various web sites.

You keep doing what you want, but poking someone who is mentally ill with a stick so you can get sympathy is pretty low. Shame on you.

When this thread finally runs out of steam and sympathy and another pops up on another board in a few weeks, I won't say anything. I'm done. I wish you the best.

greensleeves, your ex sounds pretty crazy too!

It's funny to me because she is such a hypocrite. She speaks of hating intolerance (homophobes, sexist etc). However, does she not realize that she is being intolerant by acting like this? In my opinion WLS is a lifestyle choice. You are doing it for your personal reasons. If she doesn't agree with it, then that is fine, but ending a friendship over it is intolerant. It's just as bad as ending a friendship because you decide to date outside of your race, or date someone of the same sex, or choose a religion she doesn't agree with.

You don't need hypocrisy or intolerance in your life right now. You need positive people. You are better off without her. My guess is that it's either due to jealousy, or it's a way to cause drama and gives her something to blog about.

It's funny to me because she is such a hypocrite. She speaks of hating intolerance (homophobes, sexist etc). However, does she not realize that she is being intolerant by acting like this? In my opinion WLS is a lifestyle choice.

thats how you know its a projection. thats why its all about her. thats how you can tell she's a very messed up person the OP should run, not walk, away from as fast as possible!

She is the self centered one....just back away.

greensleeves, your ex sounds pretty crazy too!

That's the truth.

I can't add anything more than what has already been mentioned, run away and run away fast. Stop reading her blogs, it's only hurting you and right now your main focus is your surgery and healing and weight loss.

She sounds like a psychopath wrapped in a bow. She's a really good writer and tries to sound convincing, but yet she spews venom. Good you blocked her on Facebook! You can make new and better, more supportive friends there now, like me!