Confession time...I'm ashamed

[donna12 742]

First off this is about the hardest thing for me to write and so embarrrassing and I'm so ashamed beyond belief, if you all only knew how I feel inside. I need help. I will be 11 months post op on May 13th and I've lost 65 lbs, yay for me, yes I'm excited about my loss, wish it was more but it is what it is. I'm proud of it. A little about my background, for the last 4 yrs I've gone thru a separation then divorce from my highschool sweetheart of a 25 yr marriage that nearly drove me to suicide, litterally. It broke my heart, still does on some days and after he left me I ate and ate and ate and gained 35 to 40 lbs that made my decision to have surgery because I could hardly walk at 294 lbs and 5'2". Oh God this is so hard to admit. I'm getting there folks. Anyway, I lived on my own for a couple of yrs till it came to the point to where I couldn't afford to make ends meet on alimony alone (haven't worked in 14 yrs and no one will hire me) so I had to move in with my 74 yr old mom, humbly I accepted, me and my little Dachshund moved right in storing all my household furniture and my life as I knew it in a storage unit. Then I had surgery June 13, 2012, all went well except for the first 6 months I was sick with vomiting and nausea due to gallstones and gallbladder, most of you already knew that tho, then on Dec 3rd I had my gallbladder removed, healed from that, now all is good. Here's the confession, here goes. I closet eat as if I'm getting away with something when I do it. When my mom takes her shower at night I go to the pantry and grab whatever, 1 or 2 Cookies, a Fiber One Bar, a couple of marshmellows, a skinny cow pack of chocolates candy and dispose of evidence so that she doesn't find out. I'm crying as I type this because I'm so ashamed and now I'm telling you all. The food tastes so good to me and I can't leave it alone and it seems to be sweets that trigger it. I only lose about 2 lbs a month when I see my surgeon each month for a fill but this past time which was last week I went in for a fill and wanted one but he didn't want to give me one, he thought I was in the green zone. Yes I stay full for approx 4 hrs but there are times and I told him this that I feel that I could eat more than a cup worth of food, I choose not to but could. I'm having a hard time getting Protein in or at least 60 to 70 grms of Protein in a day, no where near that for me. When I get up in the mornings I want something sweet like honey nut cheerios or oatmeal or Fiber one fruit bar. I just feel like I'm failing at this all of the sudden.

Thanks for listening

Donna

[SassyJones 17]

Hang in there. You can do this. You are beautiful inside and out. Life is tough but God will pull you through this. Just hang tough, have faith and all will be ok. Stay strong, focused and determined with your food choices and eating habits. Stick to Protein, protein, protein. Log your foods. Try MyFitnessPal.com . My user name is TwittlingAnn. You will see a lot of support there and no need to be ashamed of your eating habits. Life is tough. We all deal with stress in different ways. It's normal!! Just hang in there, make better choices and you will be ok!

[elcee 3,340]

Hey, just getting a band doesn't mean that all your food demons suddenly disappear. i still love chocolate as much today as I ever did. Give me a choice between chocolate and real food and I'll take the chocolate anyday. The problem with the band is that it doesn't stop you from eating the type of foods that you eat in secret. They are sliders and they go down really easily.

There are a couple of things I think you need to do:-

Be honest with your Dr, hopefully he will refer you to someone that can help you.

Allow yourself your forbidden foods but in small quantities. foods that are forbidden are far more attractive and have so much more power over us than foods that are allowed.

try not to have foods in the house that you know you cannot stay away from- if you have to go out to buy them it makes it a lot harder

And don't be so tough on yourself, none of us are perfect.

[donna12 742]

thank you guys for not judging me and for the encouraging words. Elcee I know you say not to have these foods in the house but I cannot deprive my mom of her favs when it is her house. Something I didn't tell you all is my brother is battling colon cancer right now and we are all stressed to the max and right now my mom has lost 30 lbs in the last 4 to 5 mos and hasn't really tried so now I'm worried about her health. Her dr told her to eat at least 1800 cals a day to maintain, well when I see her make a milkshake dang I want one but don't get one, or when she eats chips I'm thinking shoot I sure would like some. She just doesn't have the extra lbs to lose and being 74 she just doesn't need to get any smaller. So now I'm worried about her plus my brother. Guess its emotional eating then huh? I am trying to get in to a therapist that a friend recommended, maybe she can help me deal with my eating issues and why I turn to food.

Thanks Sassy, I'll look you up on MFP.

[Tawnya777 106]

Donna that's a lot to go through, and making these big changes isn't that easy since we are human and use to eating a certain way for so long. Don't put yourself down. I know I'm new to this since I was just banded on May 1st so I don't know if my advise is the best, I do know that I will have cravings and want things to. I decide that I would learn how to make my own deserts with Splenda and healthier ingredients so I can still enjoy something. pineapple cooked with a little sugar free vanilla ice cream is good, my sister gave me that idea. I will also allow myself to enjoy something I like one or two days out of the month, just smaller portions and I will workout. I think you just need to make some adjustments and allow yourself a day or two a month to enjoy something you like just in a smaller portion or modified. I know when I can finally eat again I will be cooking different things that I would eat out and get, but instead I will make them healthier. I'm sure I will have a whole cookbook in a few months...lol... You can do it and keep your head up!!!

[elcee 3,340]

Try buying things that your Mum likes but you don't?

[KAATNS 1,473]

((((HUGS))))

[Cazzy 725]

I know this feeling only too well, i had to stop having 'nice' food things in the house as temptation i was fighting all day long. I do get sugar cravings but tend to try and satify them with a sweetner coffee or greek yoghurt with my own fruiit compote on it as against the sugar laden flavoured yoghurts, some unsweetned orange juice or some fresh fruit is also a good substitute, and sugar free sucking sweets i have always a pack or 2 in the house i suck one when i get on the exercise bike.

There is nothing wrong in eating a small amount of something nice, just dont do it in secret and make your Portion Control the guiding factor, so u get your little treat, just a small portion of it. But i do agree with Elcee dont keep those foods in the house is the simplest solution.

[Draven 188]

Hello donna.

First of all let me start by telling you this- You are a brave and wonderful woman. I have absolutely nothing but the utmost respect for you. Your opening up like this takes courage and guts that most people on the planet do not possess. DO NOT EVER DOUBT THAT YOU ARE A BRAVE AND AMAZING PERSON!!!!!

Life is exactly that. Life. It has its ups, and its downs. And right now you are in a down. God I want to just go give you a big hug right now. What you are going through is so hard. And you have more courage than most people I know.

And for sake of honesty I will share my story. I used to be a very happy person. But much like you I had things happen that totally put me in a not so great place. My wife came to me asking for me to help her parents by taking them in. Financially they were having issues. I fought it and fought it until I finally wore down and caved. So now I take in her parents, and it just starts going bad. They complain about everything. They fight me about everything. Its a disaster. I tried to explain to my wife the problems that would come with it but she didnt want to see it. Her sister soon starts having problems in her marriage. We come to find out that she has been stepping out on her husband. Not having affairs mind you, but going on line and setting up meeting spots with strangers. Husband found out and ofcourse it didnt end well. ( I want it known that I in no way judge her for any choices she made. She is her own person and has to answer to no one other than herself). So now they seperate. And where does she go to? Her family of course. So now I have her move in. Its an ugly seperation. But unfortunately it didnt last long. Two months into it she called me and said he didnt go to work or show up for his visit with his daughter. And I knew instantly. I told her to stay home, and i went to his house. I found his body that afternoon.

So now I have my sister in law and her beautiful daughter living with me as well. ( not to mention her dog and three cats that did not yet take to my dog and two cats or my mother in laws dog. Yep, Its a zoo) One week to the day my father in law passed. I felt horrible for my son. At the age of 10 he lost his favorite uncle and his POP POP. The grandfather. I will never forget the words coming out of his mouth. " Dad, why is everyone I know dying?" it was heart breaking. And having to discuss and explain suicide to a 10 year old is truly one of the hardest moments of my life. Now top this off with my mother. She has been sick for a few years with a mental illness. Which ended with her being committed after a few failed suicide attempts. My life really is a soap opera.

So I started failing on my diet as well. Stopped going to the doctor. Stopped watching what i was eating. And started to gain back weight. I was a miserable person. My marriage was taking hits left and right. And i realized I wasnt even living anymore. Just existing. I didnt want to go home. There were nights I'd just sit in my car, numb. I felt lost. And really just, well lost is a good way to describe it. I was not suicidal. I just wasnt really living.

I decided one day that I really needed to get my life together. I heard something that really struck me. CHANGE THE WAY YOU LOOK AT THINGS AND THE THINGS YOU LOOK AT CHANGE. I'm not sure why it struck me so hard, but it did. And I realized that it was only me holding myself back. That only I was responsible for myself. And that if I didnt fix my life nobody else would. And it is at that moment I started to live. I went back on my diet. I started to see and find joy in things. I felt better and started smiling more.

Things at home havent really changed much. Some nights its good, and some nights its bad. The way I see it if the better nights out number the worse, you're doing ok. I started to feel happy again.

I made a few new friends. And one in particular really impacted me. This person opened my eyes to just how happy life could be. How special life is, and how to live again. How to be accountable. How not to judge. How there are people out there that care about others and not just themselves. I will always be indebted to that person for helping me in a time of need.

Donna, you are not alone in this. I know you feel lost. But you must remember that you are not alone. There is a strong support staff here. Wonderful people that will always be there and support you. You MUST talk to your doctor about all of this. About everything. They are only there to help you. I also can not stress this enough. You need to see a doctor about your stress issues. Your personal problems. I have had to deal with five suicides in the last 2 years, as well as some failed attempts. Depression is a very real and very dangerous thing. I implore you to seek some professional help. Your eating issues are purely a mental coping mechanism. Please seek some help. It is a dangerous area to go into without the help of true trained professionals. I am not one. I am a police officer who has just seen this one too many times. I plead with you. Talk to your doctor.

Donna, thank you for having the courage to post your message. You will not be judged by us. EVER. And you are not alone. You can do this!!!!!!

[GoingforGoal 1,734]

Hey there

I disagree with some of the comments posted..so here goes.

I don't comprehend the logic of 'banning' yourself from any food..even your temptations. What you actually need to do is learn how to subside those urges. I'll share how in a minute.

I wanted to first comment on your overall situation. I have been banded now for 3.5 yrs. Sure I'm super close to goal, however, I also had some setbacks. First I got pregnant and than I suffered a severe accident that took 8 months to recover from. I was fortunate that my band was very much in the green and I didnt gain during these timeframes, but boy did I eat like garbage. I think it's safe to say that diet and stress don't go together for many of us. The stress becomes the priority and we cope the best we can. Many friends from the site have had the same setbacks (family, financial, death, etc) and have either gained or stalled. But they are back, stronger than ever. Life is Fluid, there's ups and downs and we cannot allow our setbacks to be actual failures, rather just temporary. Sure it prolongs our progress, sure it's disappointing/frustrating..but it will never go away. So put a positive spin on it... just say..ok that's done..now I'm ready again. And get going

Now for the sweets. Oye! Sweets are my weakness too. Plus I have 3 kids at home and I can relate to the shopping for others not just yourself. However, I feel that a 100% clean diet is only going to sabotage your efforts and ultimately make you snack like crazy or worse-binge. I have a ton of q's for you..like how many cals do you eat (before snacks) and how many cals in 'snacking' do you consume. I ask this, because I typically eat 700 clean calories (my Proteins etc) but I always leave a reserve for a 100-200 cal snack and it can be whatever I want. OR if I know Im going to have a cheat meal for instance, I will deduct that throughout the day from my other meals to help compensate even if it still brings me over my normal daily caloric intake allowance.

One of my recommendations is to build in cheat meals or days. When you eat 'clean' it is imperative that you have days that you 'shock' your body. You do this by having a high fat/calorie &/or sugar meal. This is when you bang out all those cravings. Not only does it help subside those urges (because typically when we crave something and than eat alot of it it's not as rewarding as we thought it woudl be and thus the craving subsides) but it also shocks the body into thinking you are not in starvation mode and it's a great way to avoid or overcome plateaus and maximize wl. This is an old bodybuilders trick...and we all know how great they look.

Lastly, if you are snacking alot...one of the biggest things you need to do is get busy. I'm not implying this..but an example..if you are lounging about the house all day..you are restless, your mind thinks of things to pleasure itself. food is a great substitute. So instead of raiding the pantry..take that time for a daily activity/hobby that will preoccupy your mind. I find that on my slow days I eat more because I can actually sit and listen to my body more or I just simply get head hungar more frequently out of boredom. On those busy days, I have to force my meals because many times I can forget to eat.

I hope this helps >< a little. I know life is tough. We've all had our shares of obstacles and letdowns. But again, it's temporary. Don't let it define you, don't let it depress you. Simply..start again

[Terry Poperszky 2,784]

And you are ashamed why? One of the hardest truths that is shouted on this board is that the band doesn't cure our head hunger. So...

Stop being ashamed (useless emotion in dealing with eating issues).

Figure out what is triggering this.

Work on changing it.

Find someone that you can be truthful with (Not your mother), talk with them each morning about whether you did or didn't closet eat. Be truthful, or don't bother.

Sorry to approach this from a male point of view

[megamomnj 334]

Sorry to hear that you are struggling. Please don't take offense to this but I do think you might want to seek the help of a professional. A therapist might be able to give you some tips for coping with your emotions and how to deal with all the changes in your life.

Hugs and only wish the best for you!!!

Sent from my iPhone using LapBandTalk

[DetChatt 188]

There is definitely no shame in the truth. They don't call it emotional eating for nothing, and probably most of us have been there (and are still there). I think accountability is hard to come by. You've gotten some great advice above. If life situations are keeping you from reaching personal accountability, then find another resource from your doctor, another professional, or a friend (IRL or here). There's no shame in needing and asking for a little help and a shoulder to lean on.

[donna12 742]

Hello donna.

First of all let me start by telling you this- You are a brave and wonderful woman. I have absolutely nothing but the utmost respect for you. Your opening up like this takes courage and guts that most people on the planet do not possess. DO NOT EVER DOUBT THAT YOU ARE A BRAVE AND AMAZING PERSON!!!!!

Life is exactly that. Life. It has its ups, and its downs. And right now you are in a down. God I want to just go give you a big hug right now. What you are going through is so hard. And you have more courage than most people I know.

And for sake of honesty I will share my story. I used to be a very happy person. But much like you I had things happen that totally put me in a not so great place. My wife came to me asking for me to help her parents by taking them in. Financially they were having issues. I fought it and fought it until I finally wore down and caved. So now I take in her parents, and it just starts going bad. They complain about everything. They fight me about everything. Its a disaster. I tried to explain to my wife the problems that would come with it but she didnt want to see it. Her sister soon starts having problems in her marriage. We come to find out that she has been stepping out on her husband. Not having affairs mind you, but going on line and setting up meeting spots with strangers. Husband found out and ofcourse it didnt end well. ( I want it known that I in no way judge her for any choices she made. She is her own person and has to answer to no one other than herself). So now they seperate. And where does she go to? Her family of course. So now I have her move in. Its an ugly seperation. But unfortunately it didnt last long. Two months into it she called me and said he didnt go to work or show up for his visit with his daughter. And I knew instantly. I told her to stay home, and i went to his house. I found his body that afternoon.

So now I have my sister in law and her beautiful daughter living with me as well. ( not to mention her dog and three cats that did not yet take to my dog and two cats or my mother in laws dog. Yep, Its a zoo) One week to the day my father in law passed. I felt horrible for my son. At the age of 10 he lost his favorite uncle and his POP POP. The grandfather. I will never forget the words coming out of his mouth. " Dad, why is everyone I know dying?" it was heart breaking. And having to discuss and explain suicide to a 10 year old is truly one of the hardest moments of my life. Now top this off with my mother. She has been sick for a few years with a mental illness. Which ended with her being committed after a few failed suicide attempts. My life really is a soap opera.

So I started failing on my diet as well. Stopped going to the doctor. Stopped watching what i was eating. And started to gain back weight. I was a miserable person. My marriage was taking hits left and right. And i realized I wasnt even living anymore. Just existing. I didnt want to go home. There were nights I'd just sit in my car, numb. I felt lost. And really just, well lost is a good way to describe it. I was not suicidal. I just wasnt really living.

I decided one day that I really needed to get my life together. I heard something that really struck me. CHANGE THE WAY YOU LOOK AT THINGS AND THE THINGS YOU LOOK AT CHANGE. I'm not sure why it struck me so hard, but it did. And I realized that it was only me holding myself back. That only I was responsible for myself. And that if I didnt fix my life nobody else would. And it is at that moment I started to live. I went back on my diet. I started to see and find joy in things. I felt better and started smiling more.

Things at home havent really changed much. Some nights its good, and some nights its bad. The way I see it if the better nights out number the worse, you're doing ok. I started to feel happy again.

I made a few new friends. And one in particular really impacted me. This person opened my eyes to just how happy life could be. How special life is, and how to live again. How to be accountable. How not to judge. How there are people out there that care about others and not just themselves. I will always be indebted to that person for helping me in a time of need.

Donna, you are not alone in this. I know you feel lost. But you must remember that you are not alone. There is a strong support staff here. Wonderful people that will always be there and support you. You MUST talk to your doctor about all of this. About everything. They are only there to help you. I also can not stress this enough. You need to see a doctor about your stress issues. Your personal problems. I have had to deal with five suicides in the last 2 years, as well as some failed attempts. Depression is a very real and very dangerous thing. I implore you to seek some professional help. Your eating issues are purely a mental coping mechanism. Please seek some help. It is a dangerous area to go into without the help of true trained professionals. I am not one. I am a police officer who has just seen this one too many times. I plead with you. Talk to your doctor.

Donna, thank you for having the courage to post your message. You will not be judged by us. EVER. And you are not alone. You can do this!!!!!!

Draven, no fear, I'm far from suicidal, now I will tell you this I was in that state of mind when my now ex left me in '09 and we separated, I was in a state of shock to say the least and to find out he was having an affair well that didn't help either. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your heartfelt words. And I thought I was all alone, wow, you've been thru a lot too. I'm very sorry for your loss as well. Please note to everyone that my faith keeps me going, I'm a very strong Christian woman and without God who strengthens me I could not keep going. I have made an appt for Monday with a therapist, I think I may have answered someone Tues but I meant Monday to get to bottom of why I gravitate towards trigger foods and want to snack and closet eat. Thank you again for the cyber hug and words of wisdom and your story which I'm sure was hard to share.

Donna

[donna12 742]

And you are ashamed why? One of the hardest truths that is shouted on this board is that the band doesn't cure our head hunger. So...

Stop being ashamed (useless emotion in dealing with eating issues).

Figure out what is triggering this.

Work on changing it.

Find someone that you can be truthful with (Not your mother), talk with them each morning about whether you did or didn't closet eat. Be truthful, or don't bother.

Sorry to approach this from a male point of view

Now Terry, just who do you expect I tell every morning since I'm not married and I live with my mom? lol. Just poking fun at you not being sarcastic. I think telling my mom the truth and confessing to her what I've been doing when she showers is the best for me afterall she is my accountability partner and keeps me on track. She will be disappointed in me but will understand and most likely not buy trigger foods for herself that would tempt me. She doesn't have a weight problem, lucky her. I got it all from dad's side of the family, grrr. My dad, when he was alive weighed over 250 lbs and was told that if he didn't lose the weight before heart bypass he'd die so he set off on a strict diet and lost over 100 lbs on his own, God bless him for that cause Lord knows I couldn't do that. When he passed away he weighed 135 lbs. Thank you for weighing in with a male's point of view also. Thanks for the words of encouragement.

Donna