My husband refuses to drop me off or pick me up from the hospital. He disagrees with my decision to have surgery. I expected this but now need a plan. For those who have a spouse like mine or kept your surgery a secret, how did you arrange for hospital pick-up/ drop-off? Uber? Swear a friend to secrecy?

You can Uber there but talk to the social worker at the hospital they may be able to arrange something for you at discharge. You can also talk to your insurance they may have a contract for medical transport. Who is going to be your support after surgery? You're really going to need a support system.

Edited August 14, 20214 yr by LisaMarrie

15 hours ago, utaker1988 said:

This situation is why I am divorced. Your husband sounds like ex. He hated when I wanted to do something to improve my health. This may have been years ago and long before I actually started the process to gastric bypass but it is still true.

He says things like this to stop you from doing it and refusing to drive you in the hopes you won’t be able to have the surgery without a ride. I’m sorry to say it but he’s emotionally abusive. Manipulating your situation to keep you where he wants you. This relationship is toxic. After you get home and he proceeds to behave like this and not help you, divorce him. You may find yourself becoming mentally stronger and long term success without being beat down emotionally because you made a decision for you.

Yeah, from what you said they do sound the same.

--This relationship is toxic. After you get home and he proceeds to behave like this and not help you, divorce him.--

Whew, that's really direct and hard to hear. So, I should divorce him?

If my husband doesn't like something I do or say I get the silent treatment for days. He lacks empathy and never seems to feel guilt. He's charming and funny to the rest of the world but has a Jekyll and Hyde personality. Does that sound like your ex?

My husband agreed to go to a couples therapist with me. We went to 2 sessions together. On the third, he texted me 2 hours before the appointment to say he wouldn't go back because he felt like he was being attacked. I thought the therapist was great. They were just as tough on me for allowing this to go on as they were on him for his behavior. My point is, I've done everything to make this work despite the way he acts.

Still, I expected him to be there after major surgery.

Did you have a last straw? Did you have the support of family and friends when you decided to leave?

Thanks so much for sharing. It's helpful to hear from someone who has made it through it.

11 hours ago, ShoppGirl said:

You could also ask your clinic if they have support groups and if so go to one of those and ask if anyone can help you??

A buddy and support groups are both great ideas. ? They do offer support groups at my clinic. I've been trying to power through on my own but obviously I could use the support. I'll call to find out when they are. Thanks for the suggestions.

So I’ll ignore the subject of your husband because I think others have said enough, but depending on how strict the hospital is being about covid you might not have an issue regardless. I had surgery during the last surge (November) and I was dropped off at the front door and picked up with no questions asked of who he was. He wasn’t even allowed out of the car. They tried to call my husband while I was in the hospital twice and he never picked up because he just never hears his phone. Didn’t stop them from discharging me.

I know from working in health care that sometimes people’s rides home fall through. I wouldn’t be warning them about it before surgery, though. And once the surgery is done it’s not like they can take it back. If you insist on leaving they will generally release you whenever you want, it’s very hard for a hospital to hold someone against their will. People do take taxis home after surgery on occasion. Lots of emergency surgeries happen out there and sadly there are a lot of people who find themselves without a ride home- not like a hospital is going to let someone’s appendix burst because they don’t have family or friends waiting.

I think your best bet is to hire someone from care website, but just sharing my experience!

You ask if you should divorce him. Only you know that for certain. The relationship sounds toxic. The behaviors you describe are abusive, manipulative, and controlling. If you’re like me, dealing with those behaviors which fostered low self esteem for me, we’re partly why I needed WLS. I tried to hold my marriage together, but only one engaged partner can’t make that happen. My last straw was his refusal to participate in a marriage retreat weekend while attending. I realized the marriage was over! It was extremely hard at first. But, I’m now married to the best guy on earth. He has loved me fat, loved me fatter, supported my decision to have WLS, and is my biggest cheerleader. He calls me eye candy and considers me his “trophy wife!” If we weren’t in a pandemic, I’d drive to MN and be your home care pal.

6 hours ago, DoodlesMom said:

Yeah, from what you said they do sound the same.

--This relationship is toxic. After you get home and he proceeds to behave like this and not help you, divorce him.--

Whew, that's really direct and hard to hear. So, I should divorce him?

If my husband doesn't like something I do or say I get the silent treatment for days. He lacks empathy and never seems to feel guilt. He's charming and funny to the rest of the world but has a Jekyll and Hyde personality. Does that sound like your ex?

My husband agreed to go to a couples therapist with me. We went to 2 sessions together. On the third, he texted me 2 hours before the appointment to say he wouldn't go back because he felt like he was being attacked. I thought the therapist was great. They were just as tough on me for allowing this to go on as they were on him for his behavior. My point is, I've done everything to make this work despite the way he acts.

Still, I expected him to be there after major surgery.

Did you have a last straw? Did you have the support of family and friends when you decided to leave?

Thanks so much for sharing. It's helpful to hear from someone who has made it through it.

Yes, people loved my ex. Except my Dad, he saw through the mask he wore for everyone else. My family was very supportive because the last straw involved the kids. I went and had my haircut and he told my toddlers that this is what (very derogatory terms for females look like).
I didn’t want them to remember this and I didn’t want my daughter growing up thinking she was an object to be ruled by men.
I will admit that the loss of his income was hard. I felt lonely being single but I focused my mind into work and my kids. After awhile, I started to love who I was.

Whether you decide divorce or a separation is up to you. You know you better than I do. If you choose to stay, I would not belittle your choice. As I had tried to leave my ex four times before the last.

I wis you luck and will praying for you. I hope you get your surgery and my thoughts will be with you when do.

I suggest you talk the decision of whether to get a divorce over with a therapist. First because you can’t really judge an entire relationship by just one action without a whole lot of background. Second, If he is really abusive and manipulative they can tell you what to expect when you mention it and help you prepare (get your ducks in a row so he can’t sabotage you somehow). Maybe Just tell him it’s related to an eating disorder if you need an excuse or just ask him to go to another marriage counselor with you and when he says no, tell him you are gonna go anyways.

Edited August 14, 20214 yr by ShoppGirl

19 hours ago, blackcatsandbaddecisions said:

So I’ll ignore the subject of your husband because I think others have said enough, but depending on how strict the hospital is being about covid you might not have an issue regardless. I had surgery during the last surge (November) and I was dropped off at the front door and picked up with no questions asked of who he was. He wasn’t even allowed out of the car. They tried to call my husband while I was in the hospital twice and he never picked up because he just never hears his phone. Didn’t stop them from discharging me.

I know from working in health care that sometimes people’s rides home fall through. I wouldn’t be warning them about it before surgery, though. And once the surgery is done it’s not like they can take it back. If you insist on leaving they will generally release you whenever you want, it’s very hard for a hospital to hold someone against their will. People do take taxis home after surgery on occasion. Lots of emergency surgeries happen out there and sadly there are a lot of people who find themselves without a ride home- not like a hospital is going to let someone’s appendix burst because they don’t have family or friends waiting.

I think your best bet is to hire someone from care website, but just sharing my experience!

It's helpful to hear how you dealt with it. I created an account on Care.com and I'm going to contact my clinic on Monday and see if they have any ideas.

19 hours ago, Melody Andrews said:

You ask if you should divorce him. Only you know that for certain. The relationship sounds toxic. The behaviors you describe are abusive, manipulative, and controlling. If you’re like me, dealing with those behaviors which fostered low self esteem for me, we’re partly why I needed WLS. I tried to hold my marriage together, but only one engaged partner can’t make that happen. My last straw was his refusal to participate in a marriage retreat weekend while attending. I realized the marriage was over! It was extremely hard at first. But, I’m now married to the best guy on earth. He has loved me fat, loved me fatter, supported my decision to have WLS, and is my biggest cheerleader. He calls me eye candy and considers me his “trophy wife!” If we weren’t in a pandemic, I’d drive to MN and be your home care pal.

Its been really helpful to get feedback from everyone. It helps remind me that it's not irrational to feel hurt and upset. Melody, you are so right! A marriage can't work with only one engaged partner. Just like your ex-husband refused to participate in the retreat, mine refused therapy. Both were opportunities to improve our marriages and they chose not to. The message is clear. They've checked out, are done, or want to keep things just the way they are.
I do understand it but it's difficult to accept.
Your husband sounds like a funny, ("trophy wife!") supportive guy. You deserve to be happy.

"If we weren’t in a pandemic, I’d drive to MN and be your home care pal." --Thanks so much! This made me smile. ?

Sorry your husband is not being supportive. My ex-husband was even supportive with me! Although my loving brother informed me that I was "taking the easy way out and that he was disappointed in me." Like I care! He admitted he hates fat people. He's ignorant and fat himself! So, whose disappointed in whom?! Lol My question is, how are you going to get to the many other doctor visits that come along with this surgery? And how supportive is he going to be with your new eating plan? Is he going to eat healthy with you or are you going to have to cook all the things you can't eat and have that temptation on top of all this stress? Is it just you and your husband or do you have children to cook for as well? That's another challenge you may be facing. I feel for you. That's why I joined a support group. We're here when others aren't. I would ask a friend to help you if they would. A trusting, suppirtive one. Best of luck!

So sorry to hear this. But maybe try visiting nurse service and/or ask your doctors office for a recommendation.

On 8/13/2021 at 12:33 PM, Tony B - NJ said:

Good idea. I am sure there is some charitable organization that helps people with this

Well the bariatric center at my hospital offers support groups every month and nutrition classes. I haven’t gone cause they were virtual because of covid but may go now that they’ve started up again. But I bet if you asked there for someone to be a surgery support buddy you would have a nice group of people that all want to help.

On 8/14/2021 at 6:13 AM, ShoppGirl said:

I suggest you talk the decision of whether to get a divorce over with a therapist. First because you can’t really judge an entire relationship by just one action without a whole lot of background. Second, If he is really abusive and manipulative they can tell you what to expect when you mention it and help you prepare (get your ducks in a row so he can’t sabotage you somehow). Maybe Just tell him it’s related to an eating disorder if you need an excuse or just ask him to go to another marriage counselor with you and when he says no, tell him you are gonna go anyways.

Good suggestion.

My husband is disabled by severe heart disease and couldn’t take me for my DS or pick me up afterwards. A friend/coworker (who had the DS 6 years ago) took me to the hospital and dropped me off and my sister in law picked me up when I was discharged.

I am sorry that your husband is not supportive. I think you need to ask a friend or a close family member to drop you off and pick you up.