I had both an encouraging and frustrating day. I don't know where else to vent since my surgery is private. My husband of 27 years is encouraging and accepting of my surgery plans, which I started in earnest today. I'm a few months from surgery (damn dietician requirements) but I am well researched and prepared to make a lifelong change. After discussing the hoops and loops, my husband made one last comment.

(Paraphrasing) "I support you in this surgery but I am pointing out that I want you to think through the fact that you will probably have an affair or divorce me. Or your personality will change. Or you'll think less of me because I'm somewhat overweight. And I want you to balance choice along with the advantage of better health and being thinner."

Our marriage is good but has had a few rocky seasons. I am normally active. He is not. I'm extroverted. He is not. There is some unhealthy co-dependent and emotional abuse. He refuses any marriage counseling or movement towards change. I've been in therapy for years, by myself.

I know this is more emotional abuse but essentially, I am being asked to DECIDE to gamble my marriage if I dare to consider surgery. He'll support me but if I push back even a little bit, with any kind of independence, any joy, or lust for life, I'm proving him correct. And it will be lorded over my head. *I* made the problem. I made the choice.

Any advice or insight on how to let guilt slide off your back? Or how to make a selfish decision for your own happiness?

2 hours ago, BigSue said:

Sometimes it's because people put up with more than they should because they don't think anyone else will love them, and when they lose weight, they realize they don't need to put up with abuse to be loved.

+1

I was trying to find a way to say this but you did it for me.

Hello, marriage is sacred. I’m not sure if u are or aren’t a spiritual person but. If u are please take time to communicate his feelings, concerns, and insecurities. Find out where they are steaming from. Then allow him to be more involved in your journey although it’s your body. It is you alls journey especially if he has been they while you were at a certain size. Y’all can exercise together, cook meals together, etc. But with any marriage regardless of ups and downs. You 2 are 1 now. It will get better but ask God to show you what you need to help make seeing him better. Let’s face it this journey does change us, and it’s suppose to. So I’m just saying think about it.

7 minutes ago, PHAT Girl said:

Hello, marriage is sacred. I’m not sure if u are or aren’t a spiritual person but. If u are please take time to communicate his feelings, concerns, and insecurities. Find out where they are steaming from. Then allow him to be more involved in your journey although it’s your body. It is you alls journey especially if he has been they while you were at a certain size. Y’all can exercise together, cook meals together, etc. But with any marriage regardless of ups and downs. You 2 are 1 now. It will get better but ask God to show you what you need to help make seeing him better. Let’s face it this journey does change us, and it’s suppose to. So I’m just saying think about it.

Welcome.

Tek

On 9/17/2020 at 6:04 PM, Locken said:

I had both an encouraging and frustrating day. I don't know where else to vent since my surgery is private. My husband of 27 years is encouraging and accepting of my surgery plans, which I started in earnest today. I'm a few months from surgery (damn dietician requirements) but I am well researched and prepared to make a lifelong change. After discussing the hoops and loops, my husband made one last comment.

(Paraphrasing) "I support you in this surgery but I am pointing out that I want you to think through the fact that you will probably have an affair or divorce me. Or your personality will change. Or you'll think less of me because I'm somewhat overweight. And I want you to balance choice along with the advantage of better health and being thinner."

Our marriage is good but has had a few rocky seasons. I am normally active. He is not. I'm extroverted. He is not. There is some unhealthy co-dependent and emotional abuse. He refuses any marriage counseling or movement towards change. I've been in therapy for years, by myself.

I know this is more emotional abuse but essentially, I am being asked to DECIDE to gamble my marriage if I dare to consider surgery. He'll support me but if I push back even a little bit, with any kind of independence, any joy, or lust for life, I'm proving him correct. And it will be lorded over my head. *I* made the problem. I made the choice.

Any advice or insight on how to let guilt slide off your back? Or how to make a selfish decision for your own happiness?

I think any marriage that has lasted beyond ten years has to have had some forms of what we are now all calling abuse. Ive yet to meet a perfect person that hasnt said or did something fucked up in a decade and i am a global traveler lol. Anyways, hes being straight with you but to me it sounds more like the person changing will be you and not him and that you are choosing to change. Sometimes when youre married the other person goes off and makes a decision and then whines when the spouse dont want to go along. For instance say you want to start a walking routine lol. Did you know you probably will after surgery lol. Dont expect him to change. However, whats interesting is he might like the new way and join you eventually on walks and things like that. It does sound like you should join an in person support group for sure cause he doesnt give a damn about it (the topic) which isnt a bad thing most guys are into sport and other cool stuff instead of talking about how many lbs his wife lost. There are some guys here who are an exception because theyve had the surgery themselves. There is a divorce rate issue but thats mainly due to some chicks get to looking hot and then dont want their dumpy husband when they can have a boytoy that has lots of energy due to be thinner and healthier can keep up better. You can get the surgery and not get divorced its a choice you make just choose not to divorce. Congrats on such a long marriage they dont make em like that anymore lol which is why its something you should hold onto

2 hours ago, tarotcardreader said:

I think any marriage that has lasted beyond ten years has to have had some forms of what we are now all calling abuse. Ive yet to meet a perfect person that hasnt said or did something fucked up in a decade and i am a global traveler lol. Anyways, hes being straight with you but to me it sounds more like the person changing will be you and not him and that you are choosing to change. Sometimes when youre married the other person goes off and makes a decision and then whines when the spouse dont want to go along. For instance say you want to start a walking routine lol. Did you know you probably will after surgery lol. Dont expect him to change. However, whats interesting is he might like the new way and join you eventually on walks and things like that. It does sound like you should join an in person support group for sure cause he doesnt give a damn about it (the topic) which isnt a bad thing most guys are into sport and other cool stuff instead of talking about how many lbs his wife lost. There are some guys here who are an exception because theyve had the surgery themselves. There is a divorce rate issue but thats mainly due to some chicks get to looking hot and then dont want their dumpy husband when they can have a boytoy that has lots of energy due to be thinner and healthier can keep up better. You can get the surgery and not get divorced its a choice you make just choose not to divorce. Congrats on such a long marriage they dont make em like that anymore lol which is why its something you should hold onto

I disagree with the first 1/3 of your post. As humans we project our experiences and feelings on what we see of others. I asked my wife about this idea that all marriages have abuse and she (and I) totally disagree. We also were up close viewers of our parents marriages and saw nothing close to abuse. Arguments? Boy howdy! But no abuse.

The second 1/3 I don't disagree, but have a different take. In physics, every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Marriages are not physics, but in some respects like a balance scale. When one side changes the other side must compensate in some way or the scale goes unbalanced. if or when we throw things out of balance we don't know what will happen on either side of the balance. We are often surprised what actually changes and where.

The last 1/3. We are notoriously bad at predicting the future. All we can do now is express possibilities. Intentions are slightly better than predictions, but not by much. If we could predict the future accurately all those failed marriages would not have happened.

They never did make long marriages. They only ever made marriages. People in the new ones working at them make them long.

Edited September 19, 20205 yr by The Greater Fool

From a guys point of view I think your husband definitely is feeling insecure about your decision. I don’t see it as a control mechanism. He’s simply expressing his fears to you, that’s being honest. If there’s any strong feelings you need to reassure him you’re in this together and you’re looking forward to a long, healthy, happy life with him. Best of luck.

I wish I could find the actual numbers on this - but I've seen this in action.

Husband - had a heart attack and I forget what else. He needed WLS, was 400+ lbs. He got RnY. Became a member of a hiking club. Got healthy. Wife stayed by his side through it all.

2 years later - Wife - found out she had celiac. Foods needed to be changed - wheat had to get out of the house. Tiny amounts of wheat could make her very sick.

Husband left wife for a woman in the hiking club.

Men are more likely to leave wives than wives to leave husbands because of health challenges. https://www.fatherly.com/health-science/why-sick-wives-increase-divorce-risk-not-sick-husbands/

I am divorced because in short, I had a life altering change 8 years ago and left him 5 years ago because he could not seem to get it in his head that I grew and didn't want to go back to my old ways. (We were married 27 yrs) He did not want to grow. He bullied me because of it. My eyes opened. He wouldn't go to counseling until after I had already fallen out of love with him and it was too late. It takes 2 to make a marriage work. I was not willing to go back to the way I was and he was not willing to grow with me.

So I guess what I'm saying, is if he's willing to put in the work while you are going through your changes - to communicate with you and be the man who grows with you - you are going to have a great marriage that will make it. If he is going to stay stuck in his insecurity and not communicate or grow with you - you will both be miserable, or maybe just you will be - and eventually someone will leave. Or at least they should.

Best of luck to you and I hope for the best possible outcome for you, emotionally and physically! Good for you for taking care of your body, to be on this earth longer for you and your loved ones!

Remember change is scary and people of all genders aren’t always at their best when they are afraid.

In times of significant change, it’s usually worth giving the other person the benefit of the doubt.

Loving and caring for yourself doesn’t exclude loving and caring for him.

My heart goes out to you, because I have been in a handful of relationships like this one, and they never feel good in the moment. It must be double hard as you are about to make a major change in your life and really want that support from him. It sounds like he is afraid to say “I’m scared I’m going to lose you. I’m scared you will see that I am actually not worthy of your love. I’m scared that you will want someone better than me. I’m scared you are doing this so you can leave me.” Instead of saying those things to you, he wants you to take responsibility for his feelings, so it takes the pressure off of him and puts it on to you. Maybe you can confront this in a compassionate way, tell him what your own fears are for the relationship, and see if he will commit to 1session only with your therapist to talk through it, because you love him so much. He might go more often to therapy if you can get him in the door once. He seems like a sensitive soul who doesn’t have a good way of telling you that he feels unlovable. It is not on you to convince him, for sure, but we all have times (years sometimes) where we feel lost, or like we aren’t our best selves. Hope you have a wonderful experience with the surgery and that you have a good support system, whoever it may be ❤️

Edited September 20, 20205 yr by Lilfootie

On 9/17/2020 at 11:04 PM, Locken said:

I had both an encouraging and frustrating day. I don't know where else to vent since my surgery is private. My husband of 27 years is encouraging and accepting of my surgery plans, which I started in earnest today. I'm a few months from surgery (damn dietician requirements) but I am well researched and prepared to make a lifelong change. After discussing the hoops and loops, my husband made one last comment.

(Paraphrasing) "I support you in this surgery but I am pointing out that I want you to think through the fact that you will probably have an affair or divorce me. Or your personality will change. Or you'll think less of me because I'm somewhat overweight. And I want you to balance choice along with the advantage of better health and being thinner."

Our marriage is good but has had a few rocky seasons. I am normally active. He is not. I'm extroverted. He is not. There is some unhealthy co-dependent and emotional abuse. He refuses any marriage counseling or movement towards change. I've been in therapy for years, by myself.

I know this is more emotional abuse but essentially, I am being asked to DECIDE to gamble my marriage if I dare to consider surgery. He'll support me but if I push back even a little bit, with any kind of independence, any joy, or lust for life, I'm proving him correct. And it will be lorded over my head. *I* made the problem. I made the choice.

Any advice or insight on how to let guilt slide off your back? Or how to make a selfish decision for your own happiness?

Keep going to therapy! You can only change you. You are NOT responsible for his actions and insecurities. Ask your therapist for some responses for when he makes insecure/ugly/manipulative comments to you. Keep telling yourself that his insecurities are NOT your problem. God bless and good luck!

Your husband sounds like my husband but mine says it in a joking way. I'm also the extrovert in our relationship. The difference is that my husband is seeing how hard it is to go through the surgery and how restricting it is, which has actually motivated him. He is losing weight along with me, he has removed energy drinks, and sodas. He is trying to increase his protein intake and he has lost a good amount of weight.

My advice for you is to do you hun. Write out the pros and cons if making a decision is difficult for you. The point is your decision to look out for your health is not a selfish decision it's his insecurities are the actual problem here.

17 minutes ago, CakeyChanPlays said:

Your husband sounds like my husband but mine says it in a joking way. I'm also the extrovert in our relationship. The difference is that my husband is seeing how hard it is to go through the surgery and how restricting it is, which has actually motivated him. He is losing weight along with me, he has removed energy drinks, and sodas. He is trying to increase his Protein intake and he has lost a good amount of weight.

My advice for you is to do you hun. Write out the pros and cons if making a decision is difficult for you. The point is your decision to look out for your health is not a selfish decision it's his insecurities are the actual problem here.

"That many a true word hath been spoke in jest." (James Joyce)

Hi Locken,
Good afternoon. Wow!! I am sorry that you are going through this with a 27 year old marriage. Speaking from some experience in 2008 i started a romantic relationship with a gentleman that loved me unconditionally. Later next year I shared with him that I have thought of doing the WLS and he was physically supportive. He took care of me through recovery, he cooked separate meals for me being that i can only have mushy and crunchy. One thing I can say is that he began to feel very insecure as the weight started to shed off and my clothes were smaller and men outdoors were complimenting me. He became a stalker. We got engaged in 2010 and he began to emotionally abuse me and accussing me that i was cheating. He even had an image in his head that i did not work instead i spent my days in a hotel with men. I mean he got mentally sick. Long story short. I was loyal all my years with him but being that he felt i was not loyal, he decided to step out of the relationship and cheat in 2012. I was devastated and we parted.

Do what you believe will improve your health for yourself. If you both mean something to one another continue therapy, god willing he may join you one day.

If he loves you, he will trust that you would never commit infidelity.

Mine unfortunately was weak, insecure and selfish and im happier without him.
Miss cee

Girl RUN! I’m not married but I couldn’t imagine putting that on someone I love. Your risk isn’t going to be “cheating” on him or getting a divorce, it’s going to be him sabotaging your weight-loss while it’s intentional or unintentional. Do what’s best for you.

On 9/18/2020 at 12:04 AM, Locken said:

I had both an encouraging and frustrating day. I don't know where else to vent since my surgery is private. My husband of 27 years is encouraging and accepting of my surgery plans, which I started in earnest today. I'm a few months from surgery (damn dietician requirements) but I am well researched and prepared to make a lifelong change. After discussing the hoops and loops, my husband made one last comment.

(Paraphrasing) "I support you in this surgery but I am pointing out that I want you to think through the fact that you will probably have an affair or divorce me. Or your personality will change. Or you'll think less of me because I'm somewhat overweight. And I want you to balance choice along with the advantage of better health and being thinner."

Our marriage is good but has had a few rocky seasons. I am normally active. He is not. I'm extroverted. He is not. There is some unhealthy co-dependent and emotional abuse. He refuses any marriage counseling or movement towards change. I've been in therapy for years, by myself.

I know this is more emotional abuse but essentially, I am being asked to DECIDE to gamble my marriage if I dare to consider surgery. He'll support me but if I push back even a little bit, with any kind of independence, any joy, or lust for life, I'm proving him correct. And it will be lorded over my head. *I* made the problem. I made the choice.

Any advice or insight on how to let guilt slide off your back? Or how to make a selfish decision for your own happiness?

I think he is expressing fear, but not doing it in the best way for you to hear that. Note that I have no examples of him being abusive, only this statement, but this is my thought based on the statement above.

And he isn’t wrong in his fear - there are very high rates of divorce (and addictive behavior for that matter) following Bariatric surgery. Fact. He would not likely know those stats, although he could, but his fear may be based on more reality than you or he realizes. I often note this to my patients in helping them come to a decision about Bariatric surgery. He seems to be doing something similar. People should be clear minded and have all the facts (not just the ones they are happy to consider). It is your decision, but what you do (positive or negative for you) does in fact effect him and vice versa.

Edited October 6, 20205 yr by AlwaysCruising