It's kinda weird that my mother who has been at my Aunt's house in Knoxville Tennessee. (around 65 miles away from me) She arrived 2 days before Thanksgiving. I asked her if she wanted to come eat with us around 2 weeks before Thanksgiving. She tried everyway she could for me not to have RNY Bariatric surgery. Needless to say that's why she never showed up for Thanksgiving. She is still at my Aunt's house and sent me a text. I am informing you that I will no longer be communicating with you. I hate you and maybe I can come to terms that my son is already thinner than me. Your a bastard. Signed your no longer mother. Go f**k yourself.

I’m not good at this. But I can understand how hard this is to process.

Like the weight you have fought to lose, maybe it’s time to fight to let her go.

She sounds like my father if you could even call him that. My mom had to play both roles. He was an abusive drunk. physically and verbally abusive. He drank his paycheck and bought toys for himself. When she needed major spine surgery he said he hoped she’d die on the operating table.

I won’t go into detail about it but he was out of our lives a while, when I was little, wormed his way back. My sister always had an escape, she basically lived with her best friend and had her boyfriend. My mom and I fought like hell to get him out of our lives and for a while he stalked us. Thankfully he finally stopped trying. And eventually he died of lung cancer.

But mentally I still fought with everything that happened and my sister grew up hating me. And to this day she still does.

And like your mother, my sister has said cruel things in messages except she said them to our mother about me (about both of us) I’ll never understand how she can blame us for the hell we went through when she was mostly never there. The abuse happened to my mom and I not even her, yet she thinks only she has the truth. she has a home and a family. I used to go broke buying her kids presents ... even though they always had more than I ever could. but she turned her back on us, and we moved away. Nothing planned, it just happened. Every so often she sends a message and they never make sense. But never to me.

I’m sorry. I guess this is my way of trying to say I understand.

you have worked hard to build a healthy good life for yourself. Your body, your home. Now your mind can follow with a clean slate. Maybe it’s time to try to let her go. You don’t need to prove your worth to her. Let her wallow in her envy and probably self loathing. If she wanted what you have she could have worked to get there but chose not to. It’s not your fault that she didn’t, and you can’t fix her.

But one good thing did come from her, and that is you.

I am not a phyciatrist but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express one time, and my diagnosis is, mother or not, she's a nut job. Stay away from her so you don't catch whatever mental ailment she has.

people seem to forget that mental illness comes in many forms, and you can never really figure it out, because they think differently than you do. I have family in the medical field and there is one thing that they all know: you can't fix mental illness. You can treat some symptoms, but you can't fix it.

you should perhaps think of your mother from that perspective. She just seems to be different, and you don't know why, but you can't fix it. Otherwise you will get wound up trying to rationalize it by thinking she is normal, and there is something wrong with you.

You know this is probably true, by the story of her life you have posted. If you said that your mother made those comments from her office where she is a manager of some company, or a lawyer, or Doctor then you should worry about her commentary, but from where I'm sitting, you should just shrug it off as the babbling of a troubled person.

Luck!

This woman is very ill, and though she might have given birth to you, she is not a mother. Let her go. Her problems are too big for you to take on. You need to take care of yourself right now and get healthy. WLS creates a lot of emotional vulnerabilities. Get solid and stronger before trying to do anything with that relationship. (Like maybe 2 years from now.) IMHO.

I’m so sorry you’re being treated like this. I would agree with others that you don’t want someone like this in your life. I’d also suggest a therapist to help you with moving on. I wish you all the best.

This is tragic. I'm sorry that you've had to spend your whole life surrounded by this much toxicity. You are strong and you are building your own, beautiful, blessed life on your own terms. You are doing the right thing in giving yourself space. You can't fix this but we're here to support you when you need it.

New year New you...listen to your own positive words....your the white sheep, your thinner than other family members, you offered for her to come visit even with her life long attitude,you removed yourself States away to get out of the toxic relationship with her...Be proud of the you and all that you have built in spite of your up bringing. It's easy for everyone to say just cut her out of your life,but clearly that's not your feelings or you wouldn't have invited her. So moving forward realize all her faults and continue to do what makes you feel good. Communication if your blocked just send her a card if you feel like you need to reach out. Like on Christmas or Mothers Day. In Psych even the most abused/neglected child still has feelings for the abuser that an outside person can never under stand. Be proud of the person you have become as an adult. Even having this surgery to continue being the best you. Kudos to you that you have chosen to break this alcoholic, neglectful, destructive family pattern. New year New you

11 hours ago, Darktowerdream said:

you have worked hard to build a healthy good life for yourself. Your body, your home. Now your mind can follow with a clean slate. Maybe it’s time to try to let her go. You don’t need to prove your worth to her.

But one good thing did come from her, and that is you.

This was beautiful and brought tears to my eyes. The warmth and kindness of the posters on this forum never ceases to touch and amaze me.

Edited January 4, 20206 yr by JRT Mom

Let her go man.

Hugs. We can not choose our family It is tough when pathology is evident. So happy you are moving toward health emotionally and physically. I am cheering for you.

Thank you for the many helpful replys. It just blew me away coming in out of nowheres. The night before in the hospital she texted me saying that the family were all eating crab cakes and chicken wings. With me growing up in Maryland and missing real clump crab cakes she did that to try to hurt me as well. She didn't know that I had no appetite. My wife said when I get to eating semi normally then we will get some crab meat overnighted and make the crab cakes. My wife Betty is a good woman.

She sounds like a narcissist. They are toxic people. There’s a great channel on YouTube that has helped me a lot. I’ve found that if you know WHO you are dealing with it’s easier to have compassion and understanding for yourself and them. Though my narcissist still manages to shock me at times...

Anyway - check this channel out and see if this fits.


https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIELB1mz8wMKIhB6DCmTBlw

p.s. you might want to start with this one https://youtu.be/7dPAklBFyXs

21 minutes ago, Slimming Down Steve said:

My wife Betty is a good woman.

That's wonderful that you've broken away from family "tradition", in that sense. Did you have any good female role models growing up?

Brenda Bell, oh she might not of been the perfect role model but wow that body was put together nice. She was my neighbor and was around 7 yrs older than me. Brenda would invite me over for steamed crab every Saturday with her family. Those were the best days remembering back. She actually had a brand new Iroc with 350hp in 1984 and she couldn't get it to do donuts in the snow. So I showed her how at age 10. I ripped those donuts out in the snow. She said how do you know how to do donuts. Up there you do what you have to to survive like many other city's. You do things that you call yourself an idiot later in life for. I was a major idiot.

I will refrain from saying any of the not nice things that wanted to come out of my mouth, and just say that its nice to see someone else in East TN!!!!