A record of my experience... from start to finish... rants and all!


37 posts in this topic

Well, it's a start alright... the finish has yet to come. But I'll document my sleeve story here in the hopes that it'll help others.
Surgery to lose weight? Peh!! That's for weaklings... I would never mutilate my body.... why take the easy way out... in short, wls was a remote concept to me. Honestly, it just never was on my radar, that's all.
But like many here I struggled.. and it was a constant battle in the back of my head. I've been everywhere on the spectrum from "a real woman has curves, damn it" to " this is a social construct; it's todays world that makes me feel bad about who I am... I mean look at norms from 50-60 years ago" to "I don't have to be thin/normal/etc, I have brains to prove myself... I will never be one to rely on how I look to get ahead".... you name it, I've probably been there.
I'm going on 40... years of this... and dieting... and gaining... and dieting... and checking out the newest fad... and shopping based on what fits... not what I like.... years of focusing on the 'content' vs the 'packaging', coupled with a very low idea of self-worth rooted in childhood... well, for one reason or the other we all end up in the same spot.
Last summer my family and I were at the beach; There I am, sitting at the beach and I just can't stop judging people. Nevermind the fact that I lost 20 pounds and gained 19,5 back... So technically I have still lost weight compared to same time last year; I am just sitting here, in the shade and I can't stop myself from passing judgment on everybody... Bad posture, wrong choice of bathing suit... Omg!! What was she thinking?!?!? I would kill to have the body of most of the women who unknowingly are subject to my internal rantings but there you have it. And then I caught myself... sort of saw myself from a different perspective. Is this really who I want to be? This constantly bitter, unhappy person who blames everyone and everything but neglects to take responsibility? And it was there the first seeds of change had been sewn. Althought wls was still a long ways off from being even an idea.
I came to the US 20 years ago... It's not easy being the 'outsider', less so when you're a parent. At times it feels like everybody knows each other; even worse everybody likes each other... everybody but you. And this even though we all started being soccer moms and dads at the same time. Granted, sometimes you'll have your neighbors who know each other and naturally gravitate toward each other... or those parents whose kids are besties in school and who automatically click.
Some days a parent will say hi... good morning... how're ya doing? And those days are good days because for the next 60 minutes of a game you re-live that moment when you were part of the in-crowd. On other days your good morning will be ignored.. sometimes on purpose. And those days you put on a brave face for your kids because no kid likes their parents to be the outsider. Some days it gets so bad, so lonely, that I feel like exploding... i feel like asking "guys... what is it? Is it because i'm fat? Wear glasses? Have an accent? All of the above? I see these posts for parents with tips on how to deal with socially awkward teenagers... or how to boost their kids' confidence and I gulp them up looking for a glimpse on what it could be I'm doing wrong. It is a sad state of affairs when you're diving into teen advise columns but you're almost 40.
I have two amazing kids... and I know how easily effected kids are by how they view their parents. All parents are an embarassment to their kids in one way or another but what all of this led to, what I realized was that unless I accept myself, unless I am OK with myself and unless I respect and love myself I couldn't possibly expect others to show me the same. And this sense of personal responsibility was the second seed toward change. You see, as much as it seems from the above that I am doing this so that others will love me, I have come to realize that I am doing this for me... and only me.
Then, in January my husband's friend comes to visit.. and I don't recognize him... seriously, different human being. I felt like on candid camera where they do a switcheroo, you know? And he tells me about how he got sleeved... and he is patient with me and talks to me, explains, shows, guides me and before I know it I know that this is what I want. I just do, it makes sense, it all clicks, falls into place... damn in, I want it and I want it now!!!
I talk to 3 different surgeons even though I have to pay for consults... one can't even be bothered to look me in the eyes... he's Mr super busy and important... you know, like a factory assembly line, you're just a number, not a human being. The second is nice...patient, knowledgeable but his staff is not well organized. Then I went to see my friend's surgeon. Staff and surgeon... good call; I clicked and knew I had found my surgeon. Of course I did my research, I read reviews, reached out to people but first impressions are so important.
My insurance requires 6 months of documented visits. I was ready to have the surgery; I was excited; I didn't want to wait.. I even considered doing this out of pocket but thankfully cooler heads prevailed. I still think 6 months is too long but I'm halfway there.
I am hopeful to have a surgery date in september for my sleeve.
I still do my homework, I day-dream and I make lists, I fantasize about shopping sprees (which will be fun now, not torture... right guys?) but I'm not in laland in terms of expectation. I think I have a pretty solid grasp on the difficulties ahead. I'm going to therapy to prepare mentally.

I have an incredibly supportive husband who's been with me through thick (and will be with me through thin!!)

And with your support I know I can do this.

Updates will follow!

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Great post. I will likely be sleeved in October.

BTW - most soccer moms are as insecure as you are, just try talking more, offer more than 'how are you doing?' I was/am shy in person the first few times I meet anyone for the same fears insecurity brings. But the more often you keep making conversation each time you might be surprised at what transpires. Offer the coach to volunteer in some way.

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2 hours ago, Sosewsue61 said:

Great post. I will likely be sleeved in October.

BTW - most soccer moms are as insecure as you are, just try talking more, offer more than 'how are you doing?' I was/am shy in person the first few times I meet anyone for the same fears insecurity brings. But the more often you keep making conversation each time you might be surprised at what transpires. Offer the coach to volunteer in some way.

Thank you for your comment. I do hope that with a certain new found confidence post-surgery I will be able to initiate more.. and possibly have thicker skin as well. Right, I should put that on my "looking forward to" list.. to have thicker skin and not doubt myself as often! :)

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That was an amazing post. Truth and funny at the same time. 😊 Blessings to you on your journey hon!!!!

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Posted (edited)

Sooo... I have been doing a lot of thinking lately... how do I know my surgeon is a good choice.. how, if at all, do I tell anybody, what do I look forward to.... but mostly I've been examining my relationship with food.

Once I had made the decision to get this surgery done I felt an interesting sense of calm come over me in terms of food. Food has always been an issue for me; either I was eating too much or too little, or I was counting or I was worrying about it or this or that... either way it was always there, a constant in the back of my head. However, once I made the decision, food became just a tool.. just fuel, for the first time I'm not worried about whether I will gain or lose.

I mean, I gained... with a vengeance too, I eat a lot but;

1. it felt like it was just the regaining of the latest weight loss/maintenance I had accomplished over the last 2 years. I'm at my highest ever now.

2. I also gained some of it on purpose because ankle weights just weren't cutting it during weigh ins, you know?

I've also been thinking a lot about who to tell; when to tell and even though I'm not sure I think I'll tell my older son shortly before the surgery.. I'm still working on how and what to tell him... my husband already knows (wouldn't want to do it without him)... and as for everybody else; I'll tell them if I feel like they're seriously asking.. not to judge or blame but because they are genuinely interested. I mean I think it would be unfair to claim I'm doing this without external help when so many people (including myself) have tried doing just that for years and failed.

So, one other thing I've been thinking about is all the things I look forward to; there's of course the being healthier, being a good role model for my children; having my husband have a nice piece of arm candy but then there's also the promise of shopping... not wearing black ALL THE F*** TIME... not wrestling with my bra in the mornings... not having all these aches and pains related to being obese.. not feeling like I have to work twice as hard as others, not having to stretch before visiting the loo, not having to wear baggy clothes... though in all honesty I don't know that I'll ever feel comfortable in form fitting clothes, I'm just too used to the baggy type... og and being able to wear overalls... I'd like that.

Oh, and I am tentatively scheduled for September 19 so yay!!

Edited by njgal

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Damn I'm ready for this. Can we please just do this? I'm feeling very frustrated that my surgery date is still 3 months away. Once I had made my decision I was ready to go... then I saw the wisdom of waiting for a certain amount of time because some aspects of this journey take time to internalize. It's good that you can't just make up your mind and go do it the next day (if you go the insurance option, I mean) but I mean, 6 months? Come on!!! I'm getting restless here. I have to face a plane trip and family get-together (and yeah, those are always stress free!!) and beach season before I get anywhere near my surgery date. Meanwhile I read every new post, have subscribed and binge watched new vsg channels on youtube... and I know that tomorrow I will have calmed down and I will carry on doing the things I do, taking every step in its stride... but damn! Today is just frustrating.

H 5'6" HW 253, CW 245, TBS 9/19

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It drove me crazy also with all the Dr appointments. But trust me it prepares you for this life changing journey. It's hard as hell and takes a lot to make sure your getting the most out of what your eating. I think it was close to a year before I could eat anything besides Protein. This hot dog size pouch (as it's called) fills up fast so get ready to say goodbye to carbs. My 2 year old granddaughter eats more than I do. It's a year an a half since my surgery and I've lost 95# and that feels amazing to say. I'm smaller than I use to be and the fat that never would leave on my thighs has melted away. I finally don't depend on muscle milk and Protein Bars but it really help to ease my mind that I got 60 grams of protein in. My biggest issue is drinking before eating and after. Getting enough Water. It felt like an all day event. Take this time to plan out nutrition and ask as many questions as you like. I love this group because we all have a story to tell and we teach each other as we go through this journey. Before you know it your day will be here. Good luck and we'll be waiting to hear how your doing.

Sent from my SM-N910V using BariatricPal mobile app

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It drove me crazy also with all the Dr appointments. But trust me it prepares you for this life changing journey. It's hard as hell and takes a lot to make sure your getting the most out of what your eating. I think it was close to a year before I could eat anything besides Protein. This hot dog size pouch (as it's called) fills up fast so get ready to say goodbye to carbs. My 2 year old granddaughter eats more than I do. It's a year an a half since my surgery and I've lost 95# and that feels amazing to say. I'm smaller than I use to be and the fat that never would leave on my thighs has melted away. I finally don't depend on muscle milk and protein bars but it really help to ease my mind that I got 60 grams of protein in. My biggest issue is drinking before eating and after. Getting enough Water. It felt like an all day event. Take this time to plan out nutrition and ask as many questions as you like. I love this group because we all have a story to tell and we teach each other as we go through this journey. Before you know it your day will be here. Good luck and we'll be waiting to hear how your doing.

Sent from my SM-N910V using BariatricPal mobile app



Ah! You're the best for taking the time to respond, thank you. See, today is already better and I know I can use this time to work on a lot of things... I'm in therapy to work on my food addiction... I'm trying to prioritize protein over other things and I'm definitely trying to work on the whole not drinking with food challenge.

Having this tool within reach but not being able to just grab it just yet gets to me every now and then but I get it.... and I will patiently wait... and rant every now and then ;))


H 5'6" HW 253, CW 245, TBS 9/19

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2 wks post-op gastric sleeve & hiatal hernia repair (surgery: 05/24/17). TY for all your posts. How do you get the weightloss ticker, I want that! Lost almost 18 lbs. but who's counting! No need for any diabetic insulin & meds, high cholesterol or high blood pressure Rx's since surgery: Yay! Introduced the bariatric chewable multi Vitamins & calcium citrate w/D, yesterday. Have been dealing w introducing soft foods, starting w a scrambled egg & next up choc pudding. Problem: have had diarrhea off/on since just after the first week...not happy about it. Will call my Dr's nurse on Mon to see what I should do, but just took an OTC anti-diarrheal tiny pill to help. Had my gallbladder removed in 10/2012 & had this issue all the way up to surgery. Maybe I need a bariatric probiotic. Will check into that after calling the nurse. I have a Giant Schnauzer 15 yo/95 lbs) & a Cane Corso Italian Mastiff puppy (1yo/130 lbs), so been walking both multiple times daily since surgery. Will begin treadmill & recumbent bike tomorrow & I also teach H20 aerobics M-F, which begins tomorrow as well. My Drs' offices are gung ho on me giving them flyers to get patients moving: I only charge $1 per class & specialize w people who have disabilities/weight issues. If you live in Las Vegas, NV, come forth & exercise! TY.

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