just a lot of grief

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

So, I have been doing better in better in spite of some difficult things in life, but recently I have had some very sad events. It is not causing me to reach for food, but it makes me hyper aware that for DECADES food would have giving me solace during these times.I am running like hell to find healthy substitutes - my friends, my family, my dogs, my horses, keeping moving.

Okay, my little sister passed after a horrible horrible ending of breast cancer that spread to her bones 7 years ago - she was 39. It was traumatic and horrific for so many of us - but she and I had a special bond as we were raised "like twins". anyway, she left behind a devoted partner who returned to her old nemisis - booze - as she could never get over losing her. The partner she left behind alienated many family and friends with her drinking and irresponsible behavior and frankly also just didn't return calls etc too so many of us lost touch. I hadn't seen her in nearly a year when I got the call she has an inoperable brain tumor and was found lost in her own house. It is sad and tragic and intense and she just turned 50 - we are practically the same age. There are alot of dimensions to this - an extended base of family (hers and mine) and friends who feel guilt and just awful for her. She hasn't long to live so many things have to be figured out. Her family is out of state so of course I am in the middle of this sh*tstorm.

then, today, I got the message that my niece who would be early 40s passed last night in her sleep from "natural causes". She has been super morbidly obese her whole life. I don't know her weight, but I would guess at least 350-400# and she is maybe 5'4" or so. anyway, I don't know what is so "natural" about dying so young but I of course suspect obesity related heart failure or perhaps even undiagnosed sleep apnea.

I feel just awful. I am working hard to not let it bring me down, but so much tragedy so close to home. I know others have lost loved ones too - it is not unique to me - but I feel like I hardly know where to turn since so many turn to me.

On top of that, my state of mind basically caused me to not be as sensitive to someone close to me (he is high maintenance and I just could not deal with it) and so right when I need a friend I have chased one away.

I am dedicated to remaining clean eating through all this because I think we all know that over eating doesn't solve a damn thing and just makes you more miserable.

[swimbikerun 1,039]

CGJ how can we help give you consolation and support at this time? I had a couple of friends with family members who died of breast cancer, a few who've survived, and others who have had various cancer issues.

I've seen before that people don't take care of those who take care of everyone else. Let it not happen to you. What can we do to support you?

[RJ'S/beginning 5,357]

I am so, so sorry for all your losses. This is a multiple tragedy that you are right is almost too much to bear. if you need me, PM me and I will listen.

Jane

[lsereno 2,525]

CGJ,

I'm so sorry. Keep your mantra: self-soothing doesn't have to be self-sabotage. For me, exercise helps when my life sucks. Make time for yourself, even if you have to make an appointment.

Love and best wishes to you during these difficult days.

Lynda

[McButterpants 2,846]

Sending my thoughts and prayers your way - that's a lot to deal with!

[BigGirlPanties 957]

Thoughts and Prayers headed your way....stay STRONG! We are here for you!

[feedyoureye 3,087]

Jane, make sure to make time every day to take care of you. Eat well, and get out in nature. It really helps. I just lost my mom yesterday. We could see it coming for over a week, but still, it is hard work to take care. Im so glad I could be there for her. Sending (((Hugs)) your way.

[Katcloudshepherd 630]

CowgirlJane,

I pray that you have the strength you need to get through this time. Wish I could hug you. May God bless you and keep you in his care.

Kathleen

[Jersrose43 837]

Hugs and thoughts headed your virtual way!

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Good grief, Cowgirl! That's a lot on your plate right now.

Because I'm older than you, I'll share a few things I've learned in times of great familial stress, especially where others' healthcare is involved:

1. When healthcare decisions must be made, no decision or solution will be perfect. We can only do our best to choose or recommend the best option from among all the other imperfect solutions.

2. If the decision to be made is not ours, we should not try to take the decision out of the hands of those who are required to make it.

3. If those who are making decisions are not making the "right ones" (the decisions we would make), we should still let them make their own decisions.

4. I can't (and you can't) change anyone else or their opinions. I can only change myself and my opinions. And that's hard enough.

5. The burdens I have taken on (because I didn't like how others were handling things) are burdens I eventually bitched about having to carry all by myself.

6. Almost always, people are doing the very best they can do at the moment. In the future, they might be able to do better.

[gourmetone 394]

Love, hugs and prays sent your way!

[NewSetOfCurves 1,553]

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...praying that you find the strength and courage to put one foot in front of the other and trek on.

[Andrew0929 1,101]

I'm very sorry for your losses and especially how they're all happening at once. I've been in a similar situation and realize how draining this period must be for you.

You're going to get through this. Stay strong and stick to the program ...

[roundisashape 712]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this right now. It's a lot for anyone, and I admire the fact that you're still doing what you need to do to stay healthy. You're in my thoughts.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I was in a complete state of shock all day yesterday.... as it relates to my sister's partner and her brain tumor... it has been a week of bewildering events. It came to a head this weekend having to dig through her house to find critical things and saying goodbye to most of her family as they flew home. Saturday I managed to piss off a friend - I think for good this time. To be honest, I wasn't' really wrong in what I said but my mood perhaps made it come out wrong. It is a case of good riddance, but still part of the whole sh*tstorm. Monday I managed to tangle with my oldest son, but I had the composure to realize it was not going well so just told him I couldn't talk. He called my EX to talk to me...haha. Apparently I was in quite a state that I had intervention called on me.

Then, Monday getting word about my 40 year old niece. I think I just went from functioning to a zombie. I saw my counselor and told her I had not taken ANY drugs or drink, but I felt drugged. I felt like my mind and everything was shutting down.

So, I got a nice night of sleep last night, watched TV and just zoned out. I feel a little better today although still no appetite. I have been forcing myself to eat and one of the strange observations is "eating too fast" and then I don't feel good. It is surprising and I don't know where it is coming from but I am trying to be very deliberate about taking care of myself while going through all this.