So, I have been doing better in better in spite of some difficult things in life, but recently I have had some very sad events. It is not causing me to reach for food, but it makes me hyper aware that for DECADES food would have giving me solace during these times.I am running like hell to find healthy substitutes - my friends, my family, my dogs, my horses, keeping moving.

Okay, my little sister passed after a horrible horrible ending of breast cancer that spread to her bones 7 years ago - she was 39. It was traumatic and horrific for so many of us - but she and I had a special bond as we were raised "like twins". anyway, she left behind a devoted partner who returned to her old nemisis - booze - as she could never get over losing her. The partner she left behind alienated many family and friends with her drinking and irresponsible behavior and frankly also just didn't return calls etc too so many of us lost touch. I hadn't seen her in nearly a year when I got the call she has an inoperable brain tumor and was found lost in her own house. It is sad and tragic and intense and she just turned 50 - we are practically the same age. There are alot of dimensions to this - an extended base of family (hers and mine) and friends who feel guilt and just awful for her. She hasn't long to live so many things have to be figured out. Her family is out of state so of course I am in the middle of this sh*tstorm.

then, today, I got the message that my niece who would be early 40s passed last night in her sleep from "natural causes". She has been super morbidly obese her whole life. I don't know her weight, but I would guess at least 350-400# and she is maybe 5'4" or so. anyway, I don't know what is so "natural" about dying so young but I of course suspect obesity related heart failure or perhaps even undiagnosed sleep apnea.

I feel just awful. I am working hard to not let it bring me down, but so much tragedy so close to home. I know others have lost loved ones too - it is not unique to me - but I feel like I hardly know where to turn since so many turn to me.

On top of that, my state of mind basically caused me to not be as sensitive to someone close to me (he is high maintenance and I just could not deal with it) and so right when I need a friend I have chased one away.

I am dedicated to remaining clean eating through all this because I think we all know that over eating doesn't solve a damn thing and just makes you more miserable.

Cowgirl.. Thinking of you. Take one day at a time and take care of yourself!!

My moms memorial was last weekend. The food really wants to be my best friend right now. I am working to write everything I eat down, and keep up with my stress relief exercise and getting out into nature. I am bouncing around 1-4 pounds above my "official goal bounce range" and really don't want that to become the new me. Its not so out of control, but the stress and sadness do lead to less than optimal choices... eating out with relatives, eating on the run.... I know it can and will change with time... Im just trying to keep my eyes open to what I am doing, and not go into ostrich head in the sand mode which leads to weight gain every time.

CGJ,

Although I only know you online, your posts have been a friendly lamp in the dark for me for a long time.

Rather than mutter much more, I hope you know that your contributions to many people have earned you return support here through the digital ether. And I hope our support and regard for you can help light up some of dark where you are.

Ann

Funeral '#2 was today. The love and support from my imaginary Internet friends means so much to me. THANK YOU!

Hey, I am not an imaginary friend! I would love to meet you if you ever make it out of Seattle, down to Portland!

i have been online friends with a few women for 10 or more years. some of them i love dearly. i get real support from them that is very meaningful to me. ????

I call my online friends my imaginary friends too. But they are just as dear (and in some cases more dear!) than many of my IRL friends.

CGJ, I am so sorry for your many losses. It is so much to bear at once, just know my thoughts and prayers are with you, supporting you as you care for yourself during this difficult time. xo

Prayers today, for everyone going through suffering and loss. I have healed quite a lot from loss, but I know when it is happening to you it is a raw and horrible pain, causing much suffering. May God Bless and quiet your soul during this process.

Cowgirl,

I'm so sorry for your losses and am glad that you can share your grief here. My thoughts are with you as you struggle with the grief and maintaining your transformation. Take care.