One of my best friends recently found out that I'm in the process of getting bariatric surgery and is vehemently opposed to it. I have to do 6 months of medically supervised weight loss, and I'm hoping to get the surgery in October. She wrote about me on her blog AND emailed me a list of 10 reasons why I should not get the surgery. She calls it "cosmetic" surgery. She no longer wants to be friends with me, and I hate that I'm losing her friendship, but I'm doing this for my health, well-being, and quality of life, NOT to become thin. I have many health problems including obstructive sleep apnea, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, back pain, knee pain, hypothyroidism, prediabetes, fatty liver, etc that I want to get rid of. I also have a family history of stroke, heart disease, and diabetes, which I want to prevent. Those are my reasons for getting the surgery, NOT cosmetic. I know I'm much better off without her negativity, but it's still painful losing a close friend. I've been pretty depressed lately because of this loss.

Here is everything she wrote:

My heart is heavy today and has been since Saturday when my best friend dropped the bomb that she's getting weight loss surgery. The betrayal, hurt, and anger that I've felt since then is mind boggling. Since becoming involved with fat acceptance I've cut body negative people out of my life. I've surrounded myself with people who are positive and work hard for a wide variety of human and animal rights issues. In other words, good people. Positive people. People who make a difference in the world. So my world was rocked when my best friend, after hiding it from me for months, told me that she was getting cosmetic surgery to become thinner.

My friend is the captain of her own underpants and she can get cosmetic surgery if she wants to, of course, but I'm captain of my own underpants as well and I have the right to cut out people who compromise my mental or physical well being. Having gone through a decade long eating disorder where I was constantly praised for starving myself, over exercising, and abusing diet pills, I can't watch someone I care about put themselves through a medically induced eating disorder.

I look forward to the day when weight loss surgery is banned as medically unnecessary, dangerous, and bigoted. Weight loss cosmetic surgery represents the extremes that our society will go to to eradicate fat people. For all of the horror that a person feels when they see a very thin person with an ED, it doesn't seem to hold true for fat people with ED's. While I have a lot of personal experience with that, this experience seems to hit closer to home Perhaps because my friend was involved in the fat acceptance community. I thought better of her. Not brainwashed by society's standards.

Internalized fatphobia is a horrible thing.

The bottom line is that we applaud fat people for doing dangerous, irresponsible, unethical, things that put our lives on the line in the name of thinness. But how would the world react if the opposite were true? If thin people literally risked their lives to become fat because they thought it looked prettier? I have a feeling I know the answer.

So, I suppose I've finally experienced a personal casualty in the War On Fat. During my own struggles I came close to losing my life, but this somehow feels so much worse.

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ten reasons why you're perfect the way you are and you don't need cosmetic surgery.

1. you're beautiful the way you are: cosmetic surgery can change how you look,but it doesn't change who you are.

2. cosmetic surgery won't fix your self esteem: too many people have thought that it would, but losing weight and looking different won't automatically make you feel better about yourself. you need to do that from the inside and you can do that at any weight.

3. you can be healthy at any size- you have to change your behaviors, not your appearance. currently you don't eat well or exercise and if you lose weight but still don't change those behaviors then you're still going to have issues. Remember that studies show that health problems initially go away during weight loss but very often return because weight does not equal health.

4. this particular type of cosmetic surgery is dangerous. The sleeve is less dangerous than some other methods, but they're all dangerous. There's a laundry list of side effects that i'm sure you've seen, including death. is it really worth it just to look more socially acceptable?

5. you're making a statement: when a fat person decides that being thin is better than being fat and actively tries to change their bodies it makes a statement about all fat people and it makes a social statement. and that is that being thin is better than being fat.

6. people already love you just the way you are: this needs little explanation.. people already care about you, you have no problem finding dates or hook ups. your life isn't hindered by anything except your lack of confidence which won't be fixed by cosmetic surgery.

7. body hate poisons you: work on loving yourself instead of blaming your body

8. your body works hard for you- why abuse it? I apologized to my body a long time ago for the eating disorder I put it through, for the self injury I put it through, for the abuse I put it through. No body should be treated that way. you're willing to mutilate your lovely body and put it through a medically induced eating disorder. why do you feel it deserves that kind of hatred and abuse?

9. it's fatphobic: you know enough about fat acceptance and body politics for me not to need to go into too much detail here. It's related to number 5- you're becoming part of a society that favors thin people over fat people and giving it your seal of approval. that society is not only fatphobic but misogynistic and classist as well. You're choosing to stop fighting against that and to give into it instead.

10. You'll be losing a friend: Because I find WLS to be completely unethical and because I struggled with my own eating disorder for ten years, I can't watch someone purposefully do that to themselves. The body hate, the negativity, and the triggers are just too much for me. Maybe that's not even close to enough to keep you from doing this surgery, but at least I can say I tried. You know that body hate and intentional weight loss go against everything that I stand for. I can't just sit by and watch it happen to someone I care about. I can't do it and I won't. So, while it's your body and your choice, realize that that choice comes with consequences. I'm also allowed to make my own choices for my own mental well being. Literally every time I talked to your or hung out with you it would be heartbreaking and triggering. Friendships shouldn't be a negative experience which is why I would have to end this one.

Edited May 26, 201412 yr by Sharon C.

I was in shock when I read your SUPPOSE to be bff's blog. Your friendship should NOT be based on what lifestyle choices you make for your life. WL surgery is NOT cosmetic! Insurances do not cover cosmetic surgery except for some exceptions. Supportive friends is what you need and here you have found. I am 4 days post-op from getting the lap band. The only people I told where the ones I knew would support me in my decision. One of my bff's told me I have encouraged her to do something to improve her health. It hurts I am sure however, you are better off without that type of attitude and controlling issues. Best of luck to you as you proceed to better YOURSELF for YOU!!

Rose

I have read most of these posts and am in totaly agreement about the type of "friend" she is and that you need to take care of YOU...

that being said... I read this on this sight in articles recently: (summed up)

*************************************************************************************

Obesity was classified as a disease in June 2013 by the AMA (etc)

* multi-metabolic and hormonal disease state

1. It impairs normal body functioning

2. It has a set of characteristics, signs, and symptoms

3. It decreases life expectancy

4. It can lead to harmful conditions, such as type 2 diabetes, hypertension, etc

5. It CAN BE a genetic disorder!

It is the number ONE killer ... so take care of YOU how you feel is best and let her go... you don't need that kind of negativity in your life...EVER... and for her to POST that about you...it leaves me speechless...

Best of luck to you...we are ALL behind you... take care!

I think I feel sorry for the kind of person who would just cut someone out of their life for something they thinks is an idealgoical difference. I have friends of the opposite political spectrum, skinny friends who are not only physically fit but have positive healthy behaviors (at odds at times with my bad ones), happily overweight people, and unhappily overweight people. None of them has expressed anything but support for my choice.

I'm sorry she has reacted this way. It's funny how people preach acceptance, until you have a different opinion from them.

*hugs* You will survive, thrive. She... well she can be happy being unhealthy. And all that B.S about 'body image'... leads me to believe she doesn't even believe it her self. I think she is jealous because she can't have the surgery herself. IMHO.

Be strong.

See how great this surgery is already. You are already losing dead weight and you haven't gone into the surgery room. She was never a real friend, a friend is there with you no matter what you are going to do. Hopefully she will come to her senses if she wants that title of a friend. If not move on, get over it and focus on becoming a better, healthier, happier person.

We all have family and friends that support us... And unfortunately we all have family and friends that are 'toxic." No one needs to assure you which category this friend is in. I learned a long time ago that keeping toxic people in my life is certain to cause me pain. Soooooo, since I am captain of my big girl pants ( as your friend so eloquently describes it) I cut the toxic people out of my life. I have enough stress in my life just from the trials and tribulations of normal everyday activities. Why would I voluntarily decide to add to that stress? Basically, deep down this friend is jealous and not at all concerned about you and your health and well being. Yup, sounds toxic to me. Seek those around you that support you and leave the others behind in the dust, and never look back. Look forward to your new healthy life!

Yikes!!

Sounds like someone is a little jealous that you are taking control of your life.

Or, maybe, they are just a little shit house rat crazy.

I'm going to be blunt and honest: Your friend sounds ignorant. If I had someone who wrote about me like this, I'd drop them so fast, their head would spin.

Obviously, your friend doesn't want you to improve your physical health, mental health, or life.

You can find a better best friend.

TBH, I can't really say how I truly feel about this, because every other word would be a curse word...

I lost friends and some family shunned me before surgery. % After surgery some frien% O I lost because I was losing weight and they weren't. The family that shunned me initially wanted the zzz zthers after surgery tell me "i'm too thin now." I am still over weight not by much but I eat and drink like I am supposed to. I got my surgery for health reasons and afor my life and to not die prematurely as , , did ",41 wbeings over weight and there is a long standing of heart issues in my family.

,

She doesn't sound like a friend at all to me, I'm sorry. .

She seems very insecure and selfish. She can go on about how healthy she is but you can't magically take away the stress on your joints. She might be young and it doesn't bother her yet but some day it will. It sounds like she is still recovering from her eating disorder and isn't stable enough to be a good friend.

I'm sorry but maybe you are better off without her in your life.

Wow, it thrilled me to read all of the responses. I really don't have anything to add; just that I'm glad to see the support that goes on here. I had so much I was going to say, until I read all the great responses.

She made reddit:

http://www.reddit.com/r/fatlogic/comments/27tgeu/selfish_friend_got_weight_loss_help/

Wow. That individual clearly has issues. And she doesn't sound that bright, either. Obesity is a medical condition and complications from it can be life threatening and life limiting. Sorry you had to endure a self absorbed rant your expense. Hope she feels better about her own fat acceptance, now. This individual is missing the boat - your actions in no way are a judgement of her, yet she feels perfectly justified in judging you. I say good riddance. And I almost never say that.

She made reddit: http://www.reddit.com/r/fatlogic/comments/27tgeu/selfish_friend_got_weight_loss_help/

Her name is "infected scab" - enough said lol

Her name is "infected scab" - enough said lol

no, someone named "infected scab" submitted a screen shot of the blog post because its so ridiculous! did you read the comments?

Edited June 11, 201412 yr by moonlitestarbrite

The comments were great !!

Wow count your lucky stars that she decided to not be your friend, because with friends like that who needs enemies! I lost a couple of friends too when I decided to have surgery. I am 17 months post op and happier then ever! She is just jealous that you have the strength to change your life for the better and probably scared that you will get all the attention!