One of my best friends recently found out that I'm in the process of getting bariatric surgery and is vehemently opposed to it. I have to do 6 months of medically supervised weight loss, and I'm hoping to get the surgery in October. She wrote about me on her blog AND emailed me a list of 10 reasons why I should not get the surgery. She calls it "cosmetic" surgery. She no longer wants to be friends with me, and I hate that I'm losing her friendship, but I'm doing this for my health, well-being, and quality of life, NOT to become thin. I have many health problems including obstructive sleep apnea, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, back pain, knee pain, hypothyroidism, prediabetes, fatty liver, etc that I want to get rid of. I also have a family history of stroke, heart disease, and diabetes, which I want to prevent. Those are my reasons for getting the surgery, NOT cosmetic. I know I'm much better off without her negativity, but it's still painful losing a close friend. I've been pretty depressed lately because of this loss.

Here is everything she wrote:

My heart is heavy today and has been since Saturday when my best friend dropped the bomb that she's getting weight loss surgery. The betrayal, hurt, and anger that I've felt since then is mind boggling. Since becoming involved with fat acceptance I've cut body negative people out of my life. I've surrounded myself with people who are positive and work hard for a wide variety of human and animal rights issues. In other words, good people. Positive people. People who make a difference in the world. So my world was rocked when my best friend, after hiding it from me for months, told me that she was getting cosmetic surgery to become thinner.

My friend is the captain of her own underpants and she can get cosmetic surgery if she wants to, of course, but I'm captain of my own underpants as well and I have the right to cut out people who compromise my mental or physical well being. Having gone through a decade long eating disorder where I was constantly praised for starving myself, over exercising, and abusing diet pills, I can't watch someone I care about put themselves through a medically induced eating disorder.

I look forward to the day when weight loss surgery is banned as medically unnecessary, dangerous, and bigoted. Weight loss cosmetic surgery represents the extremes that our society will go to to eradicate fat people. For all of the horror that a person feels when they see a very thin person with an ED, it doesn't seem to hold true for fat people with ED's. While I have a lot of personal experience with that, this experience seems to hit closer to home Perhaps because my friend was involved in the fat acceptance community. I thought better of her. Not brainwashed by society's standards.

Internalized fatphobia is a horrible thing.

The bottom line is that we applaud fat people for doing dangerous, irresponsible, unethical, things that put our lives on the line in the name of thinness. But how would the world react if the opposite were true? If thin people literally risked their lives to become fat because they thought it looked prettier? I have a feeling I know the answer.

So, I suppose I've finally experienced a personal casualty in the War On Fat. During my own struggles I came close to losing my life, but this somehow feels so much worse.

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ten reasons why you're perfect the way you are and you don't need cosmetic surgery.

1. you're beautiful the way you are: cosmetic surgery can change how you look,but it doesn't change who you are.

2. cosmetic surgery won't fix your self esteem: too many people have thought that it would, but losing weight and looking different won't automatically make you feel better about yourself. you need to do that from the inside and you can do that at any weight.

3. you can be healthy at any size- you have to change your behaviors, not your appearance. currently you don't eat well or exercise and if you lose weight but still don't change those behaviors then you're still going to have issues. Remember that studies show that health problems initially go away during weight loss but very often return because weight does not equal health.

4. this particular type of cosmetic surgery is dangerous. The sleeve is less dangerous than some other methods, but they're all dangerous. There's a laundry list of side effects that i'm sure you've seen, including death. is it really worth it just to look more socially acceptable?

5. you're making a statement: when a fat person decides that being thin is better than being fat and actively tries to change their bodies it makes a statement about all fat people and it makes a social statement. and that is that being thin is better than being fat.

6. people already love you just the way you are: this needs little explanation.. people already care about you, you have no problem finding dates or hook ups. your life isn't hindered by anything except your lack of confidence which won't be fixed by cosmetic surgery.

7. body hate poisons you: work on loving yourself instead of blaming your body

8. your body works hard for you- why abuse it? I apologized to my body a long time ago for the eating disorder I put it through, for the self injury I put it through, for the abuse I put it through. No body should be treated that way. you're willing to mutilate your lovely body and put it through a medically induced eating disorder. why do you feel it deserves that kind of hatred and abuse?

9. it's fatphobic: you know enough about fat acceptance and body politics for me not to need to go into too much detail here. It's related to number 5- you're becoming part of a society that favors thin people over fat people and giving it your seal of approval. that society is not only fatphobic but misogynistic and classist as well. You're choosing to stop fighting against that and to give into it instead.

10. You'll be losing a friend: Because I find WLS to be completely unethical and because I struggled with my own eating disorder for ten years, I can't watch someone purposefully do that to themselves. The body hate, the negativity, and the triggers are just too much for me. Maybe that's not even close to enough to keep you from doing this surgery, but at least I can say I tried. You know that body hate and intentional weight loss go against everything that I stand for. I can't just sit by and watch it happen to someone I care about. I can't do it and I won't. So, while it's your body and your choice, realize that that choice comes with consequences. I'm also allowed to make my own choices for my own mental well being. Literally every time I talked to your or hung out with you it would be heartbreaking and triggering. Friendships shouldn't be a negative experience which is why I would have to end this one.

Edited May 26, 201412 yr by Sharon C.

"Fat acceptance" is not about being kind to people who are overweight. Its about perpetuating the idea that being unhealthy is ok and should be embraced. It's harmful. Just like fat shaming is harmful, but on the opposite side of the spectrum.

I'm sorry for your loss, but find a friend who accepts you, not just fat you.

I too USE to be healthy when I was heavy or so I told myself until I developed diabetes, hypertension, sleep apnea. It can come on you all at once. I don't hear about or no any heavy people who reach their later years in life and are still healthy. And by that time some of these diseases can be so bad you are now facing the side effects like heart disease, heart attacks, strokes, neuropathy, kidney disease/failure, blindness and on and on. Your EX friend is delusional if she thinks she will remain healthy as an obese person because none of us will!! Take it from me, I had my surgery for my health and the weight loss and looking better is a bonus.

Holy Sh*t balls!! That girl is off the hook jealous and in denial. I've been morbidly obese and I have been thin, there is NO comparison thin is better. I was happy as a fat person but every fat person wishes they were thin. It's a disease! I am so much happier being thinner.. I feel confidant and I know no one is judging me or laughing at me.. People actually are excited to meet me. Any fat person who thinks they are perfectly fine are lying.. They have just given up. I know. It's exhausting.. I was 300 pounds. I thought I was fine. I knew I wasn't. You need to surround yourself with positive people and babe she sure isn't one. Sorry you had to get such a nasty email I am sure that had to really hurt. Be proud of the choice you made! You will look back on that email and look at your new life and laugh at how ridiculous she is.. Good luck and pm me if you need any help! ❤️

You had me @ Holy shitballs

Haha........me too! Love it :-)

I too USE to be healthy when I was heavy or so I told myself until I developed diabetes, hypertension, sleep apnea. It can come on you all at once. I don't hear about or no any heavy people who reach their later years in life and are still healthy. And by that time some of these diseases can be so bad you are now facing the side effects like heart disease, heart attacks, strokes, neuropathy, kidney disease/failure, blindness and on and on. Your EX friend is delusional if she thinks she will remain healthy as an obese person because none of us will!! Take it from me, I had my surgery for my health and the weight loss and looking better is a bonus.

This is spot on. One of my friends waited too long to get her RNY and now has to have knee replacement. I've been on the fence and she made a big point in telling me not to follow in her footsteps - to get this handled now while I was still "healthy."

there was a recent study that confirms, that long term, you cannot be obese and healthy. you can be overweight and healthy, but not obese. i have a friend who recently discovered the idea of fat acceptance and keeps postings on facebook that ts much better to love yourself then desire to lose weight. i dont know how to tell her that the best way to get healthy *is* to love yourself! i dont know how to tell her that its possible to get healthy without hating yourself and having a horrible body image! she doesnt seem to understand that having this surgery is the first self loving thing i have done in many many years! she seems to be convinced that wanting to lose weight and be healthy means i have bought into society's impossible beauty standards (HA! i am 48, practically dead according to pop culture!). i dont know how to get her to understand that my desire to not die at age 56 like my dad has nothing to do with fat shaming. she has 4 kids. she is prob close to 300 pounds. her H weighs more. the chances of one or both of them dying young is pretty good. for her to remain fat has nothing to do with fat acceptance.......

I'm sure it has been stated over and over again, your friend is missing the point on why people do this surgery. Yes many people can and do lose weight the old fashioned way but many regain the weight and stay on a vicious cycle for the rest of their lives. I do not want to stay on that wheel any longer. I feel for your friend only in her having an eating disorder that pretty much destroyed her life, I have no idea how long you have been friends( I have not read through the whole 10 pages yet) but if you were at the time she was going through her eating disorder is it pretty sad she can not be there for you. My mom and sister and I are over weight in various stages, my mom has recently lost almost 100lbs to date (yay!). What made her though was a heart attack 99% blocked widow maker in 2 places of her heart, this was after having a stroke and diabetes. I am not going the route of my mother, she was also a serial dieter, this is my way of nearly ensuring prevention of all of those diseases. I hope your friend will eventually see the light and I hope you will in time forgive her wrong doings.

I am sorry you are losing a friend in your opinion but she seems to be more of a zealot; not a friend. Your loss is our gain, come be our friend here. We are much less judgmental and we see it your way-getting healthier! If it was plastic surgery it wouldn't be covered by health insurance. Her ignorance shows. I'd count whatever she weighs as part of your weight loss! With friends like her you don't need enemies.

shellief, I am 65, morbidly obese, but at the lower range, but I am an insulin dependent diabetic, have high blood pressure, and severe sleep apnea. PLUS the knee issues like you mentioned about your friend and back issues Why? All because of my weight. If I can encourage any younger people to do this early and avoid the extra burden of these health issues, I will.

There is great hope, I will eliminate all three things from my life and I came home 4 days ago from the hospital following my surgery on only 20 units of insulin as opposed to 106 before surgery. But don't put yourself through 4 shots a day, dozen of meds that only cause side effects, when you can walk in greater health. I am committed all the way to doing this right and extending my life for my husband, kids, and grandkids.

You can do it too Sharon C. and without your so-called friend. It is has made me so mad since I read your post that someone could be so ignorant and I also have compassion on her because she is lost in her own issues. She may still need a friend as others have mentioned as long as she doesn't pull you down, because if she continues to do so, it will only hurt you. Put yourself first in this situation. She is really in denial. Keep us posted. By the way, what has been your reaction? have you ignored her? Have you set her straight? Or are you just letting it set a while? You will know what to do when it is the right time for you.

Your friend is an ass. You do you girl. You're better off with out her. I have a feeling even if you did try to loose weight via diet and exercise she'd be pissed off about that.

I sent her a message saying that I wish she understood that my reasons for getting the surgery are to improve my health, well-being, and quality of life, not cosmetic and that I wish her all the best. She did not respond to my message. I guess it's over.

shellief, I am 65, morbidly obese, but at the lower range, but I am an insulin dependent diabetic, have high blood pressure, and severe sleep apnea. PLUS the knee issues like you mentioned about your friend and back issues Why? All because of my weight. If I can encourage any younger people to do this early and avoid the extra burden of these health issues, I will.
There is great hope, I will eliminate all three things from my life and I came home 4 days ago from the hospital following my surgery on only 20 units of insulin as opposed to 106 before surgery. But don't put yourself through 4 shots a day, dozen of meds that only cause side effects, when you can walk in greater health. I am committed all the way to doing this right and extending my life for my husband, kids, and grandkids.
You can do it too Sharon C. and without your so-called friend. It is has made me so mad since I read your post that someone could be so ignorant and I also have compassion on her because she is lost in her own issues. She may still need a friend as others have mentioned as long as she doesn't pull you down, because if she continues to do so, it will only hurt you. Put yourself first in this situation. She is really in denial. Keep us posted. By the way, what has been your reaction? have you ignored her? Have you set her straight? Or are you just letting it set a while? You will know what to do when it is the right time for you.

You did all you could and the right thing. Hope your journey ahead is only filled with wonderful, positive, loving friends.

You took the high road.....which speaks volumes about you.

Good riddance to bad rubbish......

I have been doing a ton of research, as we all have, on why WLS works when diets don't. I read everything I can find, including the scientific studies. I'm not a biochemist so I don't understand everything, but I do get the gist. From what I understand and what my surgeon told me, it really appears that WLS (especially rny and vgs) primarily work by resetting the metabolism...meaning obesity .really. is a faulty metabolism. Getting our metabolism reset to "normal" makes it possible to lose weight and keep it off. Of course, just like anyone with a normal metabolism we can gain weight back with poor food choices and amount. Point being....WLS corrects a broken metabolism

....that's not cosmetic. (If people are interested I can start a thread on the appropriate forum with links to the articles...they are very interesting...if a little dense)

This is really sad. It sounds like your friend honestly doesn't have an understanding of the health issues you have. It also sounds like she might be a little bit jealous. As plenty of people have already said, just move on. You don't need the negativity.

I think the pure number of responses to this post says it all!!!

Don't think you have till you're 60+ to die from obesity related illnesses. My mother passed at 54yrs old my grandfather and uncle both at 60 and my brother on his 31st birthday! All from heart. We cant afford to wait for other people to get their heads around this LIFE SAVING surgery. She might understand it all later on, but till then you really don't need her negativity and almost bullying attitude around you.