One of my best friends recently found out that I'm in the process of getting bariatric surgery and is vehemently opposed to it. I have to do 6 months of medically supervised weight loss, and I'm hoping to get the surgery in October. She wrote about me on her blog AND emailed me a list of 10 reasons why I should not get the surgery. She calls it "cosmetic" surgery. She no longer wants to be friends with me, and I hate that I'm losing her friendship, but I'm doing this for my health, well-being, and quality of life, NOT to become thin. I have many health problems including obstructive sleep apnea, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, back pain, knee pain, hypothyroidism, prediabetes, fatty liver, etc that I want to get rid of. I also have a family history of stroke, heart disease, and diabetes, which I want to prevent. Those are my reasons for getting the surgery, NOT cosmetic. I know I'm much better off without her negativity, but it's still painful losing a close friend. I've been pretty depressed lately because of this loss.

Here is everything she wrote:

My heart is heavy today and has been since Saturday when my best friend dropped the bomb that she's getting weight loss surgery. The betrayal, hurt, and anger that I've felt since then is mind boggling. Since becoming involved with fat acceptance I've cut body negative people out of my life. I've surrounded myself with people who are positive and work hard for a wide variety of human and animal rights issues. In other words, good people. Positive people. People who make a difference in the world. So my world was rocked when my best friend, after hiding it from me for months, told me that she was getting cosmetic surgery to become thinner.

My friend is the captain of her own underpants and she can get cosmetic surgery if she wants to, of course, but I'm captain of my own underpants as well and I have the right to cut out people who compromise my mental or physical well being. Having gone through a decade long eating disorder where I was constantly praised for starving myself, over exercising, and abusing diet pills, I can't watch someone I care about put themselves through a medically induced eating disorder.

I look forward to the day when weight loss surgery is banned as medically unnecessary, dangerous, and bigoted. Weight loss cosmetic surgery represents the extremes that our society will go to to eradicate fat people. For all of the horror that a person feels when they see a very thin person with an ED, it doesn't seem to hold true for fat people with ED's. While I have a lot of personal experience with that, this experience seems to hit closer to home Perhaps because my friend was involved in the fat acceptance community. I thought better of her. Not brainwashed by society's standards.

Internalized fatphobia is a horrible thing.

The bottom line is that we applaud fat people for doing dangerous, irresponsible, unethical, things that put our lives on the line in the name of thinness. But how would the world react if the opposite were true? If thin people literally risked their lives to become fat because they thought it looked prettier? I have a feeling I know the answer.

So, I suppose I've finally experienced a personal casualty in the War On Fat. During my own struggles I came close to losing my life, but this somehow feels so much worse.

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ten reasons why you're perfect the way you are and you don't need cosmetic surgery.

1. you're beautiful the way you are: cosmetic surgery can change how you look,but it doesn't change who you are.

2. cosmetic surgery won't fix your self esteem: too many people have thought that it would, but losing weight and looking different won't automatically make you feel better about yourself. you need to do that from the inside and you can do that at any weight.

3. you can be healthy at any size- you have to change your behaviors, not your appearance. currently you don't eat well or exercise and if you lose weight but still don't change those behaviors then you're still going to have issues. Remember that studies show that health problems initially go away during weight loss but very often return because weight does not equal health.

4. this particular type of cosmetic surgery is dangerous. The sleeve is less dangerous than some other methods, but they're all dangerous. There's a laundry list of side effects that i'm sure you've seen, including death. is it really worth it just to look more socially acceptable?

5. you're making a statement: when a fat person decides that being thin is better than being fat and actively tries to change their bodies it makes a statement about all fat people and it makes a social statement. and that is that being thin is better than being fat.

6. people already love you just the way you are: this needs little explanation.. people already care about you, you have no problem finding dates or hook ups. your life isn't hindered by anything except your lack of confidence which won't be fixed by cosmetic surgery.

7. body hate poisons you: work on loving yourself instead of blaming your body

8. your body works hard for you- why abuse it? I apologized to my body a long time ago for the eating disorder I put it through, for the self injury I put it through, for the abuse I put it through. No body should be treated that way. you're willing to mutilate your lovely body and put it through a medically induced eating disorder. why do you feel it deserves that kind of hatred and abuse?

9. it's fatphobic: you know enough about fat acceptance and body politics for me not to need to go into too much detail here. It's related to number 5- you're becoming part of a society that favors thin people over fat people and giving it your seal of approval. that society is not only fatphobic but misogynistic and classist as well. You're choosing to stop fighting against that and to give into it instead.

10. You'll be losing a friend: Because I find WLS to be completely unethical and because I struggled with my own eating disorder for ten years, I can't watch someone purposefully do that to themselves. The body hate, the negativity, and the triggers are just too much for me. Maybe that's not even close to enough to keep you from doing this surgery, but at least I can say I tried. You know that body hate and intentional weight loss go against everything that I stand for. I can't just sit by and watch it happen to someone I care about. I can't do it and I won't. So, while it's your body and your choice, realize that that choice comes with consequences. I'm also allowed to make my own choices for my own mental well being. Literally every time I talked to your or hung out with you it would be heartbreaking and triggering. Friendships shouldn't be a negative experience which is why I would have to end this one.

Edited May 26, 201412 yr by Sharon C.

As someone who has had both weight loss surgery...and lost over 160 # AND had reconstructive plastic surgery "for cosmetic" reasons.... Well,let's just say I would have no problems letting a toxic judgemental friend like this go. I love my new body and am grateful I had this help in turning my health, my looks and my whole life around. I have lots of friends who are thrilled for me. It has been my experience that self confident, attractive women are the most supportive, detractors seem to have their own "issues" and liked me better obese as they feel better about themselves if I stayed fatter then them.

I really cannot express the anger I got in reading your friends comments, which are so narrow-minded and proves she is uneducated about WLS. This isn't about her. It's about you! And I am so proud of you for standing up and doing what is right for YOU! No one knows better than you what goes on inside your body/mind and how difficult it is for you. WLS surgery is not about cosmetics, its about health first. The cosmetic part of it is just a bonus. We do not have eating disorders because of it. We learn to eat differently, we learn to eat HEALTHY and we eat smaller portions.

You will do great and you will gain new friends who will support you through this. Whatever you do, do NOT let your so-called friend change your mind or create doubt. Just keep coming here for support. We are all here for you.

Thank you all for your love and support! I appreciate each and every comment! <3

@@Sharon C. Looking at your picture, you are a beautiful girl. And I'm sure (I hope) that you know that. I just hope you can explain to your friend that it's really not about "acceptance" of yourself. It's about loving your beautiful self enough to know that being overweight is not healthy, and you want to change that. Believe me, as someone on the wrong side of 50, it doesn't get any easier being overweight. Why not be gorgeous AND healthy? I'm sorry about your friend not being supportive, but please surround yourself with people who will be and will help you get to your ultimate goal of a healthy weight.

One of my favorite quotes...

“Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

Good luck...you're in for one heck of a journey!

Wow...how judgemental. You can tell that she is coming from a place of pain, but there is nothing in her rant about your own health and happiness. A true friend has your back and would not be so hateful. Weight loss surgery is saving so many lives. Once she gets up into her forties, fifties, sixties, all of her accepted fat will take a toll on her health, too. Then she will be asking you for advice. Good for you that you are being proactive about your health. Please do not let anybody minimize your decision to have a better more healthy life.

You can't fix stupid and that is exactly what she is. Why on earth would you be grieving over a selfish person who is all about I. Nothing in her post is about we as in you and her. It's her feelings that were hurt. Apparently she has her own fight to feat. Tell her to hit the road and don't ever come back because people like that who are uppity have their own issues. Fat is not accepted anywhere in society. It is frowned on. I think she feels that if by any chance you were to get to be her size it would become a threat to her getting all the attention. Say good bye and don't look back ever again. If in the future you run in to her wave and keep moving. I would rather keep all my animals then give they all up for one pathetic human being. She is a pretend friend. We have all had them. Uppity bitch is what I think she is.

Wow. .............. speechless.......... well, almost . I agree 100 % with the previous posts, thank goodness we have alot of support here, even when we agree to disagree. That being said, I know you're sad about losing a friend , but you should be proud of yourself for moving forward to being healthy and strong. That will get you farther in life than being unhealthy and weak. Your friends warped ideas of "body acceptance " screams " its ALL about ME, and what I think !!! " HER own issues with HER body and life are what shes concerned with , not YOUR health. Both slim and heavy people can love or hate their body, its a state of mind. Im proud of you for going forward to a healthy, strong body, and if you look more attractive, hey thats a bonus !! I wish you well !

She has a right not to think WLS is a great idea. My friends do all sorts of things I never would and don't think are great ideas but it doesn't get in the way of me loving them.

She mentions being "triggered" several times. Her opposition to your decision doesn't seem to have anything to do with you, it has to do with her own feelings about herself.

This isn't an easy process and you need to seek support where you find it. It's hard to lose a friend but she she has too many issues to be supportive to you.

And ditto what Keish Lorraine said. Lol.

Dear Sharon -

It is very painful to be rejected by someone you thought was your best friend. It adds pain upon the pain you already feel about your health and what, as you said, prompted you to take this step for your health. That is unfair of her. A true friend, even if they disagreed, would support your decision anyway. They would support your right to make your own choices. I know you already know this, but it bears repeating. What I see here is that she projected all her anger about the "politics" of being overweight on to you. She made this a "cause" rather than seeing your heart, and the difficulty and struggle it no doubt took for you to make this decision, and one that is right for you!

None of this violates some political code of ethics about fat acceptance. Of course we are beautiful and wonderful. But the weight threatens that because it threatens our health. For me, I have written that the larger I get, the less of me there is - of my life, my future, and my ability to enjoy the wonderful life I have been given.

She also did not do the research to learn about weight loss surgery and why it is being done. She would have realized that insurance companies would love to paint surgery as only cosmetic and not have to pay for it if in fact it were only cosmetic. Rather, it is a serious surgery that is only undertaken when the weight of an individual is threatening their life and survival. Let's put it bluntly, because that is what it is. I know that this is the reason I am getting the surgery, because my health and life, physically, mentally, and emotionally is impacted.

I know you have expressed the same. It takes courage for anyone to choose the surgery and no one does it lightly. I had to work through feeling like a failure because I had to resort to surgery when all other repeated attempts to lose weight failed. (I no longer think that, of course). Some people, who are ignorant of this path and don't take the time to educate themselves, think that it is the "easy way out." I had friends say to me,"If you have to exercise and eat small portions anyway, why don't you do it without the surgery?" Or another friend said, "I am just naturally disciplined," in her response to me, implying I am not and that's why I am resorting to this. However, they all are supporting me whether they agree with it or not. I see that most people see us through their own lens of who they are, and what they think - whether negative or positive. When things work out with this (and they will) no one will remember their critique, they will only see how healthy and happy I am. The results will speak for themselves, I don't have to. I also look at it as a way of "educating" those who don't understand the surgery or the reasons for it.

And I won't post much in response to your friend's arguments about eating disorders, except to say that weight loss surgery can be a viable tool in the treatment arsenal (in alignment with other therapeutic options) to help control eating disorders and food addictions, as well. Is it right for everyone? Of course not. Is surgery itself "imposing an eating disorder" as she said? Well, she's entitled to her opinion, but as a binge eater and compulsive overeater, I need the restriction my new stomach will give me if I get off track. I am also in therapy and will remain. Your friend may have her ideas on how to treat her own eating disorder, but to assume that her way is the only way to treat that is arrogant and ignorant.

Someday, your friend will see the results. Perhaps she may learn from your experience and become a better person and friend (learn some compassion for one thing, and stop projecting her own negativity on others). Some day, if she is a true friend, she will apologize for what she said. But regardless of what she does or does not do, you will know you made the right decision for you and it will more than pay off. We overweight people get a thick skin (no pun intended, lol) because people say a lot of insensitive things to us. I think we all use that skill we've acquired to toughen up with the amazing courage, hope, and positivity it takes to have the surgery, to bet on our future, to know that we are worth doing this - more than worth it. It is actually a step we take because we value ourselves, and not, as your friend accused, because we are vain, shallow, or think we are worthless being fat.

I am sorry for this long response, but I really felt for you on what you are going through. One of the things I have seen through the forums and on You Tube videos is the impact that this decision will have on relationships. People have said they moved away from relationships that no longer served them, or those that did not treat them well. I am already doing that, and you are too. I think that your friend's true colors are coming out, and saved you the trouble of ending it yourself later. We are all changing, but the regard and love that true friends have for each other does not change. For those that do, as your friend painfully showed, I am glad you are choosing yourself instead. Now that is a sign of healthy self-acceptance!

All the best to you, and to meeting so many new friends! You deserve friends like that, because that's who you are.

Patrice

Edited May 26, 201412 yr by patrice1

@@Sharon C. Darling, you are gorgeous. I am wayyyy into Fat Acceptance and body positivity- but that doesn't mean that people can be healthy at any weight. I don't want to just tear into your "friend" here, but...I can hear the jealousy and the selfishness coming from your friend's post, although it doesn't seem like she's doing it knowingly. It seems like she is projecting a lot of internalized fear onto you. In addition to being completely unsupportive, she has taken your private information and used it as blog fodder. That is reprehensible.

My mom died at age 53 after a lifetime of being super-morbidly-obese. I'm not going out like that. I have made a commitment to total health, and that has included a food, exercise, and therapy program that I have been following for 5 months. Your friend sounds so angry and uneducated about this- that we need to adopt a radical change in our lifestyles for this "tool" to work.

One more kvetch- your friend knows that insurance doesn't cover cosmetic surgery right? And if it did? Who is she to judge?

The truth is, the system that churns out obese people is what needs systemic change. The fact that we're the first generation of Americans (millenials) that has a shorter life expectancy since we started keeping track- that is not our fault, but we're made to suffer the consequences. And so, we do what we need to do to get back to a place of health. I say "get back", but I've been overweight my entire life. I was the 4 yr old that didnt want to wear a bathing suit in front of my friends, because I already knew I was fat. And I have NO SHAME now, because I'm proud of my choice to get healthy.

I wish you peace & blessings, & complete healing of mind, body, and spirit. Please don't forget that it is ok to mourn a loss, no matter how crappy the circumstances of that loss are.

I'm so sorry... it must hurt so much to be snubbed by someone you regarded as a friend! It reminds me of the time I had gestational diabetes and had to give myself insulin shots. My aunt referred to this as "shooting up." As moxy says, just plain old IGNORANCE! I applaud your decision to get the surgery now, *before* you get diabetes. The time of the crossover from pre-diabetic to diabetic is when you lose a large percentage of pancreatic islet cells than make insulin. Doing it now will preserve them and you have a chance for complete cure. Maybe she'll come around, maybe she won't. I'm so glad you are making this decision for yourself!

An interesting, short read on cosmetic surgery (opinion piece):

http://jezebel.com/why-do-we-hate-cosmetic-surgery-so-freaking-much-1578798128

Sharon welcome to your journey to a new, healthier, and happy life.

That woman that put you on her blog is self centered and hateful in her thinking.

She is so unaware of what WLS is all about. If she did she wouldn't attack it.

You are doing the very best thing for yourself in doing this surgery.

I had sleep apnea, diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, fatty liver, Gerds and happy to say that these things have gone away because I had the gastric bypass.

I'm am personally proud of you for wanting to improve your well being. Congratulations on your decision.

Take care of yourself and be happy.

Good luck on your journey and upcoming surgery.

Friends can have different opinions. Friends don't abandon each other but seek to understand their differences. Your reasons for seeking surgery to save your life and your health are sound ones. Believe in yourself, your doctors and supporters who have your best interests to heart. If your friend was/is your friend she will support you in your endeavors and love you through it. It is your life to live so live it well !!!